Monday, January 28, 2013
My local Walmart is the WORST!!! Not only do they never have any of my foods or other items in stock, well, not never but close.
But, they had not even one handicapped scooter available tonight.
Normally there are 8 or 10 sitting by the shopping carts.
Tonight, there were zero, well, except for the 4 broken down ones!!!!
So, it was shopping with the boot on and hobbling around the store trying to gather my items.
Sticking only to the grocery section tonight, since I didnt have the stamina to hobble over to the other parts of the store.
I had so wanted to look for some eye cream!!!!!
Maybe next time.
I will be going to the next walmart over!!!!
It is a rainy rainy foggy day and night here....but tomorrow the man says, nice and sunshiney!
In fact may reach 70....oh under normal circumstances I would be on the walking track, at least twice!!!
Maybe I can at least get outside and sit on the porch and enjoy the nice day.
With some nice cold water. I had to take a painpill after my trip, due to being on my foot for so long and in alot of pain, which, as I had blogged before tends to make me soooooo hungry.
It is an appetite stimulant to me if nothing else.
I had a nice dinner with my son, but I am hungry, I had a ww ice cream, but I am still hungry.
Guess I will have some water and maybe a yogurt.
Cant wait til the scale starts back downhill and I really hope it is soon.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Time to fess up as they say. This whole (almost) week has been a lost cause for me.
And I honestly do not know why.
I do not know what brought it on...but it ends today!!!
Tuesday---my friend A calls and says her hubby is working, come down and sit around and drink a beer, so I do. One leads to three...that was all.
Wednesday--my friend P calls and says, her boyfriend is gone, come down and sit around and drink a few beers---and I do...and that was five 7 oz bottles of bud light.
Thursday night---the computer tech guy comes to work on my computer and my friend P stops by to drop off some foot tape and we end up drinking a few beers...the three of us.
I think i drank 3...
the computer is fixed at least!!!!!
Friday night, I was good, I stayed home...probably only because it was icy and cold and snowing and freezing rain.
Honey was working, so I stayed on the couch under a blanket and read.
Last night...I went to a bar and grill with my friend and her boyfriend and his son and we all drank some beers, wait....did I say SOME beers....I think I drank 8...
no, I am sure I did...and ate 3 potato skins and 2 jalepeno poppers with ranch dressing,
And came home and ate a little debbie brownie at 1 am....
and I am just sick over it.
Not sick....surprisingly, not hungover or sick at all.
Was still pretty tipsy when I got up at 5 am and ate a banana, some oj and water.
Good thing I didnt have to drive.
I have to stop this out of control behavior.
And figure out why all of the sudden, after probably 10 years of no real heavy drinking, I suddenly find myself hanging out with people and putting myself into the situation where alcohol is involved.
And going willingly and wantingly to these places.
I know I am making it sound as if all my friends are drunks, which really isnt the case at all.
Maybe I am just really more aware now of how much I do drink, in social sitations, cause like i said, when I was home alone Friday night, there was beer, vodka, rum, and early times all in the house and I had no desire whatsover for a drink.
I have never ever been a problem drinker and dont even really desire alcohol.
I walk down the beer aisles in the stores and never once look to see or add any to my cart.
It is an entirely social drinking situation.
And no, I do not plan to change friends.
I just have to practice more self control. I do believe the broken foot has alot to do with it and possibly depression and lonlieness.
I do get lonely here alone alot.
Honey works so many hours and its usually just me here, and I got the puppy thinking that might help, but it didnt, maybe I didnt give her time to grow up and become attached to her and maybe that in itself is one reason I did give her away.
The desire NOT to grow attached to her.
Or to anyone or anything really.
I grew attached to walking and broke my foot and now I cannot walk, for at least another 4 weeks and havnet walked in 20 days!!!
I know my weight is going to slowly creep back on if I continue bad habits and bad eating and drinking and no exericise.
So, today is the beginning of the new week for me and the beginning of new thought processes.
And it really is time to detoxify my body.
Not only to rid myself of the alcohol and sugar and carbs and etc and etc from the food and beer.......
but to rid my mind and my heart from inner demons and lies that still linger in my mind.
To allow myself to continue thru the grieveing process of losing a friend and not just LOSING a friend but of having a friend turn on me and leave me hanging in the dark....
Like I am holding onto a ledge sometimes and can feel my fingers slipping off....
And the constant reminder of what happened, but the inability and inconsiderateness of others to inform me of why.....
but, that is all going to be brought out once and for all
I may never ever get the closure from their words that I feel is owed to me.
But I will find it within myself to let it go...
to just let it go....
and take with it, the bad habits and the bad thoughts and the hurt.
and to stop stuffing the feelings down inside but to bring them out.
I really need to work it out and work out. And even though I cant walk which always helped me to work things out and to feel everything even the bad....I can exercise and I hope maybe that those feelings and that pain will finally leave my body.
Along with everything else bad floating around in there before it attaches itself to tightly to get rid of.
But on a good note, I did get to see my friend Dusty perform last night and he is awesome as always!!!! And he sang my favorite song, Wagon Wheel and we had the whole bar singing along haha, so it was good times, it wasnt a desperate night of drinking, it was a great time with great music.....
So, today is a new day and a new outlook and a new time for me.
or maybe I am just still buzzed....I will let you know how it turns out.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
So, tonight I am having the guy come to FINALLY, HOPEFULLY, FINALLY, finish working on my desktop.
I hope to get this job finished, it has taken forever.
I have wasted the last three days.
No exercise of any way, shape, or form.
I had planned on doing weights last night, but, I got sidetracked cleaning my house.
But that was a good distraction. It got me really busy and away from the tv, computer, and couch and even with a sore and painful broken foot, which has pretty much kept me from really doing the hardcore cleaning, like cabinets, etc....I did pretty good, got my bathroom, and living room clean and tonight will be bedroom and kitchen, which the kitchen is pretty well clean, cause I never ever cook.
When honey is on nightshift, this week, I just dont cook.
I pretty much eat lean cuisine and cereal. Protein shake or fruit.
It is nice, in my opinion, not to cook and to have a clean kitchen!!!!
So, that is about it for me.
I have grown tired of stressing out over bullshat I cannot control or change.
I am just going to read my books, and keep my house clean, do what workout I can here at home and just hope and pray for warmer days ahead and a healed foot and more pounds dropping off.
Have a nice day to everyone and stay warm and healthy!!!!
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
today was a messed up kind of day. my fault, no I didnt overeat, but, it was just a day that I didnt do much of anything...
thats it....i feel tired, for whatever reason...for the last 25 days, the same scene plays over and over in my head when i lay down each night
when i wake up
its on my mind, i recite it word for word
i hear myself talking about it
the same thing
i sleep ok, but, its still there, deep and on the surface as well.....
how do you move on
how do you let go....how do you when you havent been given the chance
to just say why and then say goodbye
oh well, its a journey like all others
i had a few beers
i must spark those beers
i hate wasting my spark points on beers and my calories and my day and my life and my tears
i hate this broken foot
and i hate that i cant go walking
and i hate hate hate the cold
its so so cold here
my heat never stops.....tomorrow is a year since my dog sparky died, and i still miss him and sometimes the pain i feel from his death cuts to the core and it reminds me of the loss of my friend and when i go to bed at night the loss of all comes rushing back and my mind whirls and before, i could to go the walking track and put on my music and walk and get out those emotions and spill them down my cheeks and onto the walking track and leave them there and sleep at night....but now, the foot is broke and the doctors said dont you dare get on the walking track......i wish it was september again and i wish my friend was here and i wish it was warm and i wish the same scene wasnt going to play over in my head tonight and i wish i could walk and lose weight and eat right and not waste my points and my life and my time and my tears and my laughter and my space in my life on someone who doesnt care enough to say goodbye....
and i wish i could get back on the right track and be healthy, mentally, emotionally, physically and all....
Monday, January 21, 2013
Monday, a new week...well, mine starts tomorrow. The work schedule around here isnt monday to friday, it might be tuesday to sat or friday to tues....it varies week to week and one week is nights, and one week is days.....
my foot is about the same i guess.
i was so so sick saturday night i honestly thought i was dying!!
my stomach was sooooo bloated and just hurting so much. i had to wonder if it wasnt the high dose of vitamin d.
that was the only thing different i had taken
but then, i had been taking alot of motrin this week.
so yesterday i didnt eat or drink anything but water until around noon...then had some dry toast and greek yogurt.
by dinner time i was feeling better, so i had a good healthy dinner, chicken breast and green beans.
my weight is pretty much the same...not up and that is a good thing.
so honey goes back on night shift this week and i plan to change things around here a little.
i have made it my mission, or resolution if you will, to paint my kitchen, myself.
and dedicate one hour daily to work out, one hour daily to house cleaning and one hour to reading.
i just started the game of thrones series...i have the first four books. am about 4 chapters into the first.
i am going to tackle the back bedroom, or junk closet
and my son came last night and moved out most of his things from his room....he cannot make up his mind, if any of you recall it was only october i was blogging about him moving back and how i felt about the privacy issue.
but he has decided we live too far from his job, his na program and most of his friends...about 25 miles, so he is right.
and has found a place with some friends closer to his job.
so, now that i pretty much have the place to myself once again, i find that i am very bored and maybe just a little lonley.
i gave the puppy away because it was just too much to take on right now...but i wouldnt mind having a dog maybe a little older and already housebroken
but i honestly dont think i will get one right now.
if not for this broken foot, i would be spending as much time as possible walking, but that isnt going to happen for at least 6 weeks, or longer.
but i am staying off of it as much as possible, today i have to go grocery shopping, no choice in the matter, so i guess i will use the ridealong...
but, i have the one thing to give me hope, I HAVENT GAINED since i broke my foot, exactly 2 weeks ago...so, that is a good thing i guess...or at least a positive.
so everyone have a great and healthy day and find something to make your resolution
i learned that resolutions do not have to be huge goals, or even long term ones, for me, just going to lowes today for a couple cans of paint and painting my kitchen in my own time.... in my own way....i will feel accomplished!!!!
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