SOFT_VAL67   82,720
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i have no bucket list, i dont even have a bucket

Sunday, September 14, 2014

I guess I have taken a short break from SP, without even really intending to.
I didnt realize it had been 4 days since I last blogged. Actually have taken a short break from most social media. I went thru my FB list and unfriended about 20 more people the other day.

I hardly speak to these people, I never see them post anything. If I were to run into them in the flesh, they wouldnt speak to me, some of them probably wouldnt even nod hello.
I had done the same thing here on SP about a year ago. But SP is different to me. Most everyone here is here for some kind of support, diet, exercise, depression, whatever the issue, we are all mostly here to find other like minded people who we can get support from, or give support to.
To social network ideas about living better.
Facebook is more about spying, lying, embellishing ones self importance and wonderful life.

So, I am to go back to the ortho tomorrow over my foot and I am going to keep the appointment, although I dont really think there is anything he can do in his capacity as a doctor.
The issue is more nerve---neuropathy, but I still have no idea where it is coming from and if there is even anyway to find out.
I am learning to conform to the issue, and I am walking alot more the last two weeks.
Walking is the one thing that keeps me sane.

I have to admit friends that the last week or two I have fallen deeper into depression, the thoughts of winter coming has really been weighing heavily on my mind.
I am just dreading it more this year than I ever have before. Probably because of my current location and how it is so much farther to drive to get to the main highway and I know the roadways are going to be harder.
The fact that it has rained here I cannot even count the number of days, it would probably be easier to remember the one day in the last 7 to 10 days when we actually had sunshine.
I have been inside most of the time, walking in between bouts of rain showers and sitting inside mostly watching rain pouring.
This dampness, darkness and dreariness really describes my mood and my heart.

I was prescribed a stronger dose of my Wellbutrin, but I hate drugs and I hate the way it makes me feel.
I keep telling myself this is just something I have to accept and I wont be able to move before next spring or summer. But that is what I WILL do, move back out of this back country which I hate with a passion and back to what I call society.
I dont think I will be able to stay in the other location due to the mold issue.
But I am looking, looking every day that I go out to town, looking for a place for sale.
I have to move as much for my physical health as my mental health.

I have never been as depressed or down hearted about anything in my life as I am about where I currently live.
I havent even put any pictures on the walls, I have nothing here in this place that make it feel like a home.
The walls are bare, beige and boring and depressing. But the thoughs of hanging family photos, or putting my own personal touches into it, makes it seem to real for me.
Too permanent, all my personal belongings are in the other place, which is where I want to be.
Honey wont agree to renovate that place because he says its too old and will cost too much.
But what is it costing me???

But for the time being I am trying to make the most of it.
Working out and really trying to stay at the walking track as much as I can before the really bad weather does arrive.
Reading more. Trying to keep busy and occupied.
My one friend suggests I do crafts, one friend suggests I get a job and one friend suggest I have an affair, lol.
Maybe I can find a way to do all three, lol, just kidding.
But it would be nice to have a job, it would be nice to find something that helps me stay socialized, I am so far removed from everyone.

A lady I know recently obtained her motorcycle license at the age of 60 and plans to buy herself a trike style motorcylce.
She said this is one thing off her bucket list.
That got me to thinking, what would I put on a bucket list.
I sat here about 20 minutes last night thinking and I could not come up with even one thing.
Not ONE thing I would put on a bucket list. MOVING!!!

I had to ask myself, isnt there anything that you really want out of life? a goal?

Maybe lose another 80 lbs.
Maybe get a breast reduction surgery.
Maybe stop having foot issues.
But those arent really bucket list things.
I guess there is only one that occurred to me, to see the Rolling Stones in concert.
Well thats one. MOVING!!!!

Well come to think of it, I guess moving is my bucket list.
and right now that is the only thing on there but it is the only thing I really want and need.
Maybe once I get that scratched off my list, It will clear my mind up to new possibilities.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GORDON66 9/14/2014 7:23PM

  I've seen Metallica and Ozzy Osbourn in concert. I'm sure the Stones would kick butt.

Feel better!!!


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CAPECODBABE 9/14/2014 5:25PM

    I've been thinking about starting my bucket list lately. Someone at work was talking about crossing things off, and I haven't even written mine down. No time like today.

I'm sorry you are feeling down. Depression and medication are nothing to fool around with (RIP Robin Williams) Bring some nature into your home, like flowers, candles and music, all can help with your mood.

I hope you get some good news at your ortho tomorrow.

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FATSOO51 9/14/2014 10:11AM

    emoticon emoticon I have some idea how you feel. I also take meds for depression. The meds by themselves won't put you where you want to be...I mean the frame of mind....although they do help alot.
I would move! This is Your life so take things into your own hands and do something about it. Imagine how you will feel :)
Life is to short to be doing what other people want/think you should do.

All the best to you!


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on this day

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

It is this time of year. This month. September. Almost every day holds some memory, someones birth, or death, anniversary.
The 10th thru the 14th especially hold special memories for me.
I am not sure what date it was, probably around the 2nd of 2012 that my car window got busted out by a stray rock thrown off the weedeater of one of the city work crew.
He was out there today cutting weeds while I walked.
Took me back to all the days I have walked, things I have seen, people I have met.
I spoke to one of the regulars this morning, who has been there almost every day I have been.
It was two years ago, when I really got serious about this.
I changed my mind about having WLS and decided to try once again for myself.
I do not regret that decision.
However, sometimes I think about going back and doing it.
As I am now struggling. But I have been for sometime.
Today is a good day.
I walked and so far I am sticking to my food plan and feeling good. I know there will be good days and bad days, but I have to get over this damn hurdle I have been trying to get over for too long.

No more accepting that I am a certain weight and am merely maintaining.
I want to lose!!
I need to lose, my weight I carry is solid weight. I do not even have much loose skin or sagging from the weight I have lost so far.
My doctor told me that my weight is solid weight, and mostly it is centered in my stomach.
Which is the hardest weight to lose.
I think about having the surgery, merely to lose as much as I can off my stomach and continue working hard at exercise to maintain what muscle I can.
I will just have to decide soon, but for now, I am going to start back focusing on my weight lifting.
I need to get toned again.

I am feeling a little tired already today but my house is a pig sty and therefore I have to clean.
But as I look out my front door on this lovely fall day, I just want to go out there and be in the sun with the wind blowing and I want so badly to visit the park where I used to go hang out with a lost friend.
But now, not only is the friend gone, but the park is as well, at least that section where we used to hang out and talk and walk and so many happy memories of mine are there.
New road and bridge work have pushed dirt and rock over top of it.
Which is perhaps a fitting send off to those memories, of September days gone past.
Time to make new memories of new Sept days.
and hopefully look back on these in a few years as when I USED to be overweight.
I just want to lose weight, is that too much to ask???

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GORDON66 9/10/2014 2:24PM

  Increasing muscle mass will help you reach your goals, so go for it!!!

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early morning mind ramble

Tuesday, September 09, 2014

I am feeling kinda bad this morning. I have been up since 4, and here at nearly 630, I am really wishing I had laid back down.
Have an early morning appointment, so I just decided to stay up and get the day started.
Have had my coffee and getting ready to run the sweeper thru the house, then jump in the shower.
I have had the beginnings of a sore throat the last two days, but luckily I woke up this morning not feeling it.
Really I think I should have slept.

But too late now to worry about that.
Dont have alot to report today. I walked yesterday and was hoping to get in a quick 30 minute walk this morning Maybe I will feel more energized later.
I have bags under my eyes, dark circles, but that is an everday thing.
Any ideas how to lessen their appearance???
So, today I hope to stay on my food plan, I have not been over indulging, but not making the best choices concerning eating bread.
But I opted for fruit this morning instead of toast.
Have to do some grocery shopping today too.
Have a nice day to everyone.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GORDON66 9/9/2014 9:23AM

  As long as your toast is whole wheat, you should be OK. Just don't eat it at every meal. As for your eyes, a friend's friend would keep two empty mustard jars in the refrigerator. First thing in the morning, she would place them over her eyes to reduce the swelling. Occasionally I've used a cold wash cloth, and it helps. Good luck!



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mold mildew and malaise

Saturday, September 06, 2014

I know I am probably going to sound like a hypochondriac and maybe I am becoming one, but I have been doing some reading and I believe I have developed this neurological problem, what is causing the numbness in my foot, from exposure to black mold. Very high exposure.
Here is my reason why I feel this way.
I own an older mobile home and no one has lived there for some time. In June, I was staying there and stayed there for about 2 weeks, well, after I came home, the very first night home, was the first time I noticed my foot feeling like it was asleep.
The only problem was, it never woke up and it has been this way ever since.
Tests, including NCV tests have shown a mild to moderate neuropathy in my foot and leg.
But no real cause.
So, recently I went back there for a visit, and ended up spending three nights there.
By the second morning, my eyes were dry and itchy, skin itchy and there was a nasty smell on all my clothes and even my laptop bag had a funky odor.
By the second night, I was coughing and had to turn on the air filter, I had to get up at 4 am and go outside and sit on the porch to get some fresh breath.
Now, I have been home several days and my hands and my other foot are feeling tingly and numb.
Not as bad or the same feeling as the left foot, but similar.
My throat is itchy and sore and that funky smell is still on my clothes, I threw some of my dogs toys away because I could not get that smell out.
I laundered everything I had with me, twice and wiped my other belongings, such as my laptop and purse off with disinfectant cleaners.

I read that there are several different blood and urine and tissue tests that can determine exposure to mold, but that they arent covered by insurance???
Why is that, because so many people would be diagnosed with mold exposure that the doctors would have to stop prescribing medicine for all these other trumped up disorders???
I have read that mold exposure can not only cause neurological disorders, but tooth decay, eye disorders, lung disorders, cancers, infertility, muscle pain and even depression.

I really think this is an under-diagnosed problem and people should demand that their insurance companies cover testing for this.
Imagine the people who would be spared years of taking medicines for the wrong thing.
Taking medications and not getting well, because of the wrong diagnosis.
I do not return to my doctor again until November, but I am going to ask her if it would be possible for me to get this blood or urine test.
and when I go back to my orthopeadist this week over my foot, I am going to ask him.
If this numbness continues for the next few days I am going to make an appointment with a neurologist.
Doctors visits!!!
Something I would love to be able to do once a year for a routine checkup and not because I am having so many health issues.
Mold exposure, yes, I do believe that has to be a contributing factor.
And as for now, hopefully I can get this funky smell off my belongings and get that old trailer removed and not go back there anymore.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GORDON66 9/6/2014 6:44PM

  I think you can buy a mold testing kit at the drug store. That would be a good place to start.

Good luck!

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GHOSTFLAMES 9/6/2014 7:24AM

    emoticon emoticon

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wake me up when september ends!!

Monday, September 01, 2014

Here it is, September.
This month holds many dates for me. Some good. Some not so good and some I just as soon forget.
Well, not really. I think even the bad things that happen to us, happen for a reason and mold us and shape us.
I have often said I am going to get a tattoo of just the word September. Then I wont ever be able to forget the things that pain me so deeply. And the good things too.
It is a mixed bag.
I havent walked in a few days. It has either rained, or it has been steamy humid hot.
I have been getting quite a bit of work done, cleaning.
I am supposed to go spend some time later today with a friend, one I havent spent too much time with recently. I actually havent spent too much time with anyone lately.
I dont know what we will do, probably nothing. I visited her at home yesterday and all we did was sit and talk.
But sometimes I guess that is all ya need.
I got on the scale this morning, to prepare myself for this month. I will measure and record everything and be more diligent about exercise and what I eat.
I have had a few issues with food lately.
I had a piece of angel food cake with strawberry gooey sauce and whipped cream. I am sure that in no way, shape or form was a part of my food plan.
And I didnt even walk it off.
I try not to share too much about goals, I really dont want to have to own up to the failure in the end. But I have set a goal for September, being such a rough month for me, I have set a goal to lose 12 pounds.
I may or I may not, but I am sure going to work at it.
This I state here so that on my birthday, the last day of this month, I will have no choice but to own up to either the success or the failure.
But I guess its not really a failure if you really try and stick to the work.
Have a safe and nice, fun holiday.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GORDON66 9/2/2014 9:40AM

  A friend stopped by on Labor Day, and we had a nice long, pleasant conversation. Have a wonderful September and keep sight of your goals!

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STAR1973 9/1/2014 11:05AM

    I agree some days are better than others. sometimes we can find motivation from jst one person, one friend in our corner can mean so much. I hope this September can be the one that gives you the motivation to smile and to get moving when ever the opportunity presents itself. emoticon emoticon

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