Friday, July 25, 2014
Today I had intended to make cabbage rolls, but instead I ended up just throwing everything into the crcok pot and I ended up with a delicious soup.
Cabbage, ground beef, tomatoes, carrots, mini bell peppers, of all colors, and rice.
Garlic, oregano and ground red pepper.
I dont know what its called, but it is tasty!
In other news. I got my appointment for August 4th to have my nerve conduction study.
Hopefully this will give me some idea of what is going on with my foot.
I know the ortho asked me to wait til Sept, his reasoning being that my foot hasnt been in this condition long enough for them to determine what is going on.
But he isnt the one who has to walk on a numb foot and not be able to walk for exercise, to just walk from the living room to the bedroom, etc, is annoying.
Not so much painful, just the constant feeling of a foot asleep, dead, numb.
I cant wait.
I dread it some too, I have been told these tests can be somewhat painful.
But the thoughts of walking around like this for another two months is more painful.
And in even more news, I have made a personal decision to delete some facebook friends and also, to cut some ties to some so called real friends.
I dont have girlfriends anymore.
Everyone wanted me around when they were single, when they wanted someone to have lunch with, go shopping with, hang out in the bar with.
I always thought, wow, I have such amazing friends, but what I discovered was that I was nothing more to any of them but filling, a wing-man!!
Well, it hurts to finally let that sink in that I wasnt really ever their friend, but just someone to fill a void while they were single, while their husbands were at work, or kids in school.
Now, when Honey is at work, if I go anywhere, I go alone.
I have stopped asking any of them to lunch or dinner, I have stopped asking any of them to go shopping, or to even just ride around with me while I run errands or vice versa.
No, I do not have one single friend out there who I can spend time with.
I dont know what it would feel like to have one of them call me up just to talk and laugh.
Or even Facebook message me,
I always make the move to begin a conversation.
And I know that for a long time, I probably wasnt every much fun to be around.
I went thru a very hard time during the first part of 2013, well, thru most of that year really, up til the fall at least. And another thing I figured out was, once the drama was gone, so were they.
Told me that they were probably just being my friend to hear how bad my life was so they felt good about themselves,
My so called best friend since grade school, who used to ask me to do stuff all the time, even if it was just to come to her house and sit on the porch and chat. she doesnt even speak to me anymore.
On occasion she will comment on something I might post on FB,
But our friendship as it was is gone.
I have no one.
But myself and right now, just staying at home and looking for something to do to kill the boredom of my life since i cant walk, I watch Netflix or read or clean house or SP.
Sometimes I just get out of the house looking for something to do, today I stopped at a few yard sales, but I didnt buy anything. I checked the mail and I came home.
Last week this mood hit me, and I decided to get out of the house and go look for something to do, but all that crossed my mind was places to eat, I went to the store intending to buy a bunch of junk food and get on a bender, but I didnt.
I know I need a job, or a hobby or to volunteer, but with the situation with my foot, I really dont think I can work right now. and besides, theres no jobs around here for me.
We dont have stores or fast food or shopping centers, close by, we are at least 20 to 30 miles from anything of that nature, or offices.
I have over 300 FB friends, and not sure how many SP friends.
But not ONE single real friend.
and believe me people, there is a huge difference between friends and FB friends.
A good many of them only want to be friends with you because they dont really like you, or they want to see your page so they can spy on someone you are friends with, or they want to see what about your life makes them feel better about theirs.
I get that,
I have been guilty of doing the same thing.
But, the way I feel right now, I dont really care and I know we are all just looking for one real friend.
I dont need 300. I need one. Who is real, who is genuine, who is flesh and blood and I dont have them.
I have had to come to terms with the fact that it must be me.
I must be needy or there must be something about my personality or maybe they dont want to be seen with me, or maybe I smell bad.
Whatever it is, I have had to accept it.
I am not depressed over it, I am not really sad, I dont hate them or really even care about them at all anymore.
It has sunk in that this is the way it is and so why hang on to those who dont want to hang onto me.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
I came to a conclusion this morning. I am a very very indecisive person.
Making something as simple as a doctors appointment, or a hair appointment, for most people, takes as long as picking up the phone and making the call.
But for me, it takes weeks of research, asking questions, and then picking up the phone and laying it back down at least half a dozen times.
I sit here, one month into this problem with my foot and still havent made an appointment with a Neurologist.
There are people out there reading this right now, thinking whats the big deal.
Well in a nutshell, I live in a very rural area, we are served by one hospital in the area.
There are 2 neurologists who see patients here and I have seen them, and do not care for them, both.
So, I cant decide, do I go ahead and take my chance with the lesser of the two evils, or do I branch out and go outside of my comfort zone and drive another 50 or 80 miles to the next area where there might be someone with hopefully more knowledge???
My problem is this.....I know this isnt going to just be a one time visit, I know they are going to want me to come back, twice, three times, four times, more?
If I have to end up having surgery, this is a burden on my partner who cannot take off work at will.
On my family who would probably have to drive me there and back, as I do not like to drive outside of my comfort zone either.
The lesser of the two evils is looking more desirable as I type.
The problem isnt so much the doctor, I went to this neurologist for quite awhile. It is the wait time to see her, hours and I mean that sincerely.
I have sat in her office up to 3 hours at times.
And the hospital she is affliated with, I do not care for.
But the numbness in my foot is not at all better and doesnt appear to be improving and the orthotics havent come thru yet, still waiting for that call.
So, the decision is becoming easier for me.
Second opinions are always an option.
I just really want to walk and I know if I am ever going to be able to get back to the track I have to take care of this problem.
I guess sometimes talking it thru is a good decision.
Am I going to regret this!!!!
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
From the garden of my neighbor, who is 87 years old and still works his garden every year.
So, today I am going to visit the local farmers market, hopefully to find some green beans and local honey.
Also hoping they will have some fresh local berries. We picked blackberries in our yard til we got all the good ones, now they are just dried out.
I woke up in an optimistic mood, despite that my shorts are tight.
I am going to eat healthy today!!!
I will stay on track today.
I am going shopping today, going to try on some shoes, make sure I am buying the right size.
It has been a week today since I went to get fitted for my orthotics, still havent heard from them, but hoping they call soon.
In the meantime, I am wearing the old ones and trying to make an appointment with a neurologist, waiting on that call back as well.
Modern medicine!!! pfft!!! I hate the way things are now. Where I live, if the doctor is affliated with the local hospital, you cannot even call their office to make an appointment.
you must call a scheduling service, there is no personal one on one anymore.
Doctors do not know their patient.
And it seems lately all the ones I go to spend more time looking at a computer screen than looking at me.
This is what technology has gotten us.
Even if the doctor isnt the most friendly or has bad bedside manner, at least acknowledge me and speak directly to me and listen to me!!!
So far, its been 2 days waiting on the doctor to call me back about an appointment.
I will give them til Thursday, then I move on to the next one on the list.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Today I wanted to walk so bad, so I laced up my shoes and went to the track.
For the first time in a month.
After only 20 minutes, sadly I had to give up.
My foot is so numb that all I could feel was my the numbness of my toes to go as a guide.
Fearful of misstepping with my numb foot, but then I began to have some pains up in my bend of my knee.
My leg is beginning to get numb as well up from my ankle.
I am very worried now.
It has been a month since this started, but it isnt getting any better.
My ortho told me the broken bone healed ok, but I havent seen the xray myself, so tomorrow I am going to get a copy of the disc.
He thinks the problem is lack of support and so I am waiting for new custom orthotics.
He says it might also be Tarsal Tunnel Syndrome.
No, I am not a diabetic, but this is a form of Neuropathy caused by what??? possible nerve damage from the long long time it took the bone to heal???
But, whatever it is, he wants me to wait til Sept to have tests conducted to find out.
Hoping new support shoes and inserts might help, but I am not wholly convinced.
I am bitter and angry and sad and upset that I cannot enjoy walking.
Why did these things, broken foot, numb foot, why did they happen to me after I started loving to walk????
Before when I was sedentary, I was fine.
I understand I put alot of work on my feet, but I was doing so good, now I am sidelined, yet again and I am just beginning to worry about this lack of feeling.
I really am.
Friday, July 18, 2014
I am just so beyond ready to get back to healthy eating and eliminating the junk from my life and the toxins from my body.
And I will not be tricked by my mind into believing I am hungry when I know I am full and I wont give in to cravings for that junk.
It is a detox, they call it that for a reason, junk food is just as addictive as cigs and alcohol.
I have been listening to this singer named Jason Isbell, and he sings alot about drug addiction and recovery from that and alcohol abuse.
and while listening to those songs, I find the words inspiring to me in my struggle to overcome food abuse and self abuse.
Because ultimately, no matter what the vice is, addiction is real and why is it we give pity and understanding and offer help to someone who is a drug addict who is struggling, but a food addict, who back slides, is just a pig, or a glutton, we laugh at pics of overweight people in bathing suits, but not at the pic of the wino homeless on the streets.
The young kids who get addicted to their parents prescription pills in the medicine cabinet, we try to get them help, but the overweight children being picked on, who helps them??
I bet there is no answer to those questions that I havent told myself a million times.
well we just have to deal with our own demons. whatever the reason is that we eat, or gamble or cheat, or steal or get high for. Well, onto healthier thoughts------(we just try to ignore the elephant somehow)!
Last night, realizing I had red, yellow and orange bell peppers in the refridge, that had been there a week at least, I decided to make a nice sauce.
So, I added some oregano and some mushrooms and onions, and olive oil. I added some ground beef, and ground pepper, both black and red.
I put it all in the crock pot and let it cook.
Honey had a bowl of the sauce alone when he came in from work at 4am, but my plan had been to cook some whole wheat pasta and have it for dinner.
I think I like cooking sauces and other foods in the crock pot.
Next I am going to make some non-rolled cabbage rolls, adding basically the same ingredients as before, only with brown rice and cabbage, if you like added flavor, you can add spicy rice, and myself, I always add a can of some kind of beans, usually just Lucks pinto beans, but red beans or black works too.
After that, I am going to make some chicken breasts, I add the mushroom onion pepper mix, but leave out the sauce, although some people enjoy marinara on chicken.
I usually add veggies and chicken broth and make more of a soup.
And I add carrots to everything, sometimes celery, but always carrots!!
So, planning out all these veggie laden meals, I have to get my veggies in and sometimes I just add a big bag of frozen mixed veggies, although to me they taste too waxy, so I prefer fresh.
I plan on getting more than my 5 servings of veggies, I plan on focusing my meals around the veggies.
And today I plan to stick to my calories, I will eliminate alot of processed foods, such as the frozen dinners I have been having.
Not that I dont love them.
Pecan chicken is a favorite of mine.
Water, veggies and fresh fruit is a must for me. but I cant forget my protein right now either.
I guess I enjoy reading blogs and articles and researching foods.
Any helpful hints from friends are welcome.
Hope everyone enjoys the weekend.
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