Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Sorry if this post is long but I need to write this in order to get past my eating disorder so be patient with me
As i am writing this post on my blog I have a foot propped up on another chair since it is swollen as usual. I have been a Christian for most of my life but few people who really know me know the story of why I am as big as I am. A lot of the reason stems from sexual molestation and abuse of all kinds from my dad who is now deceased and been forgiven by me for I loved him too much both in life and death to hold a grudge. My sexual molester was someone the family knew and trusted but didn't know that he was one to begin with. Last year he got charged with 16 counts of both rape and molestation I was one of the molestation victims but unlike those who held a grudge I went to see him at the jail and told him I forgave him for it wasn't his fault that he did it. He was only a product of bad circumstances which caused him to do what he did. I also witnessed to him. He is now a believer and he and I keep in contact via email. He is serving his time in prison for what he did. In school I was treated differently because I was heavy so I ate to hide how i felt. But I know now I have to write how I feel out because I am a writer and journalizing or some form of release is needed. People always have chose to gawk at me. I am tired of their stares and leery looks. I am tired of people thinking they know what's best for me. Have they ever been in my shoes no! Yes I am fat and there is no excuse for it but people don't seem to understand I have underlying issues that make it harder for me to lose weight than other people. I am prediabetic aka insulin resistant and also have Polycystic ovary syndrome which actually causes weight gain as does insomnia. I am on a journey with God by my side helping write out my emotions so far my eating at night is almost down to nothing which is good. I am hoping to completely eliminate night time noshing by next month or even sooner. Just like it takes time to get back in tune with God it takes time to lose what you put on. The song by dc talk supernatural reminds me that God is everywhere and as I write this I can feel his arms around me holding me and encouraging me to write everything out. My mom buys me clothes out of catalogs because I am so large right now I wear anywhere from 3x to as big as a 6x I want to get to be at least a 3x instead of 4x. besides I have a wedding to plan and a dress to look forward to and that is enough of a motivator as is. I was taking a pill for insomnia but currently I am off of it because it caused more problems than anything else. the one thing I still need to change eating wise is not eat by the pc which I am constantly working on. I have realized this when you use food to comfort you. You are not actually letting your emotions out you are just burying them deep inside. You are also making yourself bigger and hiding the person underneath the extra baggage. I have a virtual model of myself at 146 lbs that is what I want to look like. I want to wear a medium or large not a 3x. I know with small changes I can succeed. My dad wanted me healthy. I disappointed him because of the fact I ate at night. Now though that is finally changing. Nobody's perfect and that includes me but I know that I can do what I seek if I ask God to help me through this Nothing is impossible with God. Well I am going to sign off officially since I am yawning and it already going on 4 am in the morning here. I will write another blog later on or continue on this one if I must.
is my goal can i do it I know I can if I quit eating at night I see that virtual model as what I can be with time of writing instead of chowing down because that is what must be done in order to continue on my journey of weight loss. I am going to succeed at this because I have God helping me and He alone can help me do what needs to be done. I know for a fact that I am succeeding because last night for the first time no extra food went in me except something at 6 pm the rest of the time I was too busy or preoccupied to eat anything I feel good about myself. today was the first time i didn't eat by the computer i only brought water by it today so that must mean i have officially stopped eating by it now to learn to continue keeping a journal current and writing how I feel from now on that will take lots of time Here's to new beginnings and a brighter tomorrow for I know with each step I take I will succeed at doing this I may get impatient for it to come off but in time it will fall off. I procrastinated long enough about dealing with my wait I need to learn how to voice how I feel or write about it no more hiding behind food. Emotional eating got me to where I am Nixing it will get me to where I want to be which 146 lbs healthy mother and wife not a fat unhealthy woman like I am now. The more I lose the better off I will be. No matter what they say about me they don't know my whole story the only one who does is me. I know how I got to this point and why I refused to change but I know I can change. I have to take small steps each step I take is one less road block to get around. I have decided to do puzzles or write at night because it's the easier than trying to avoid eating when i am doing something online. I am concentrating on God's love through watching and listening to Christian contemporary and gospel music videos and songs. I am realizing that God loves me enough to help me through this journey that is why I changed my intro to Jenny's Journey with God by her side. He is turning this ugly duckling into a phoenix than to a swan with a time because He knows what I need right now which is time with Him alone and lots of it. Since I am hurting so much. He knows I love Him and sometimes don't get the time I need to concentrate on Him enough so I finds other ways to do it. That is why the background on my page is of a phoenix because I am being brought out of ashes into beauty and He will help me through it. I had a dream and in it I was getting a tattoo and He spoke to me in it That was well over a year ago by the way. He said I have redeemed you from the ashes and restored you to beauty. I have made you new. So you can start over again. Just last night he reaffirmed what He said to me back then but quoting Isaiah 61:1-3 in my dream. The spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;
2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;
3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. And then He said to me in my dream and I can remember it so clearly as well. You will no longer be chained to your past and to the food that you use to hide behind anymore, Child. You will soar like an eagle and you will succeed at what you want so badly I will guide you each step of the way so you never fail or falter. For I have given you beauty for ashes and oil of joy for mourning. And above anything else you now have a garment of praise. Your weight will no longer be a burden to you for I have seen your pain and heard your cries and I will comfort you and hold you when you are hurting you no longer need the food. Just call out my name and I will be there waiting with open arms for you so I can hold and comfort my beloved daughter. You are not ugly to me but beautiful. Don't let what anyone says influence you to think differently. Because you are beautiful in my eyes. Your true beauty shines through. No one can ever change that because I created you to be who you are now. I have called you by name and You are mine. And then He said Isaiah 43:1-2 to me in my dream But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.
2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. I felt as if then He was telling me that no matter what I am His and my weight will not hinder me from serving Him because He knows my heart and how much I long to serve Him and worship Him. I no longer care now what people think of me It is not what they think of me that matters but God thinks of me and how much He loves me. For He loves me too much to let me stay the way I am anymore. For I am His beloved daughter and I am precious in His sight. Thank you Lord for helping me see my true worth in your eyes and helping me realize that I can succeed at this weight loss thing for once. I have been insecure most of my life always felt I wasn't good enough or something else I know I said that I would continue this blog or write another one well this one may take a few days or just hours to complete. I know I can succeed because God is leading me through this and I am following his lead. Supernatural is the song that describes my walk with God right now. For I am battling Satan for souls in vast array who He has imprisoned and I am doing the Lord's work about it. I was to go to Green Bay today but it didn't work out since I woke up after 12 pm. He is supernatural He can't be explained for He is my God and I long to serve Him because I love Him. Okay I am going to get off my box and get back to my feelings and such now. Today I am feeling I am actually making the progress I never would make before because I kept stumbling and making the same mistakes over and over. Now I have finally succeeded at what I intended to do in the first place because I care about my body and my future and not about what people think about me. I know however that sometime soon I need to get back to editing a book I was working on the problem is how in the world do I do that when I am always busy with one thing or another. I found the answer to it like anything else you gotta make time for it hello. I made time before I can make time again can't I? I have no clue how long the book will be since I am only at chapter 7 pathetic huh? Not really when you consider it took me almost a year to get there. It took me almost 5 weeks to edit 3 or 4 chapters I think. I am now at 6 for editing. After that what I have 7 which may take awhile. Here is the full description of a phoenix The phoenix is a mythical sacred firebird in ancient Phoenician mythology, and in myths derived from it. Said to live for 500 or 1461 years (depending on the source), the phoenix is a bird with beautiful gold and red plumage. At the end of its life-cycle the phoenix builds itself a nest of cinnamon twigs that it then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix arises. The new phoenix is destined to live, usually, as long as the old one. In some stories, the new phoenix embalms the ashes of the old phoenix in an egg made of myrrh and deposits it in the Egyptian city of Heliopolis (the city of the sun in Greek). The bird was also said to regenerate when hurt or wounded by a foe, thus being almost immortal and invincible — a symbol of fire and divinity.
Although descriptions (and life-span) vary, the phoenix (Bennu bird) became popular in early Christian art, literature and Christian symbolism, as a symbol of Christ representing his resurrection, immortality, and life-after-death (1 Clement 25). Michael W. Holmes points out that early Christian writers justified their use of this myth because the word appears in Psalm 92:12 [LXX Psalm 91:13], but in that passage it actually refers to a palm tree, not a mythological bird,  however, it was the "flourishing of Christian Hebraist interpretations of Job 29:18 that brought the Joban phoenix to life for Christian readers of the seventeenth century. At the heart of these interpretations is the proliferation of richly complementary meanings that turn upon three translations of the word chol -- as phoenix, palm tree, or sand -- in Job 29:18." 
Originally, the phoenix was identified by the Egyptians as a stork or heron-like bird called a benu, known from the Book of the Dead and other Egyptian texts as one of the sacred symbols of worship at Heliopolis, closely associated with the rising sun and the Egyptian sun-god Ra.
It came from the sun when a feather flew into the sun (16th century illuminated heraldic glass panel), depicting two Bennu birds or phoenix (early Christian symbol) and The Arms of Sir Robert BellThe Greeks adapted the word bennu (and also took over its further Egyptian meaning of date palm tree), and identified it with their own word phoenix φοίνιξ, meaning the color purple-red or crimson (cf. Phoenicia). They and the Romans subsequently pictured the bird more like a peacock or an eagle. According to the Greeks the phoenix lived in Arabia next to a well. At dawn, it bathed in the water of the well, and the Greek sun-god Apollo stopped his chariot (the sun) in order to listen to its song.
One inspiration that has been suggested for the Egyptian phoenix is the flamingo of East Africa. This bird nests on salt flats that are too hot for its eggs or chicks to survive; it builds a mound several inches tall and large enough to support its egg, which it lays in that marginally cooler location. The convection currents around these mounds resembles the turbulence of a flame.
Some medieval Jewish commentators comment upon the Hebrew word Hol (חול) in the biblical book of Job ("...Then I said, I shall die in my nest, and I shall multiply my days as the sand (Hol)...", Job 29:18, the King James translation) as referring to phoenix. My explanation now of the dream I dreamt of a phoenix one night. But this was of me getting a tattoo of it. As the dream progressed I heard God say through it. I am a believe in prophecy. I have the gift of prophecy. The Lord speaks to me in dreams. He said this to me in the dream. I have redeemed you from the ashes and restored you to beauty. I have made you new. So you can start over again." I believe that the words meant I would eventually go on with life after grief. And that time has come folks. I am finally over my father's death. I fully grieved and now can move on to better things.