Saturday, May 17, 2014
I don't even know if I can call it subconscious anymore. I'm all too conscious of the fact that staying fat has given me an excuse not to live my life. I get to hide away and not participate because if I'm honest, the depression makes me not want to do anything. So is the depression the cause and eating the action? I'm too depressed to go out, have friends, travel, so I'll use being fat as an excuse? And it's an excuse that has served me well. I'm excused from things because my family only wants me present when I look good and they can be proud of me. They are NOT proud of my 200+ frame.
So what am I going to do? I'm going to stop hiding behind food and pounds for one thing. I went to a weight loss doctor who put me on a strict 1000 calorie max diet. She also handed me appetite suppressants...
I've been on sparkpeople long enough to know that isn't a long term fix but I'm also going to make lifestyle changes that I can stick with. I'm only to take the appetite suppressant, phendimetrazine, for a few months anyway as a quick start.
By the time I come off them I'll be in Peru at this ayahuasca healing center for four months and you only eat a bland vegan diet. And you only eat at meal times so I don't see myself gaining weight. Will I be crazy if I pack my scale in my backpack? Maybe. But I'm going to do it.
So, no more hiding behind the fat. Mindful eating time.