Monday, April 25, 2011
My mom and sister saw and noticed my weight loss. Should be a joyous thing. It was...for like 2 minutes! I've been keeping it to myself because I know my sister. If she feels insecure in an area she'll attack in another. So, my goal in life is really to escape her radar. My sister wasn't supposed to be there this weekend, and Mom has been bragging about me. So Sister showed up. She noticed the weight loss right away and she tried her best to smile through her sneer when she congratulated me and I was deceived for a brief second to thinking that she was sincere in my personal triumph. Shame on me.
I've had 18 (that I remembered to record) migraines attacks in 11 weeks (it's gotta be damaging nerves). My spirit is raw to say the least. I've been bedridden a total of 3 weeks in the last 2 and half months. I can't care for myself or my family. It's like having the flu with being so weak and tired. In between attacks it's Hyper Heaven (for a day or half). My husband and older children rally around and support through the high and lows. You know, like real family does. Constantly reassuring me that they know I have no control over the disease, that the dust bunnies will not take over the house and cause them to move into the insane asylum. Generally, they step in my work areas until I can take them over. It's what is known as survival.
Every conversation this weekend my sister and I had, my sister had to point out my flaws. I know it's just because I lost some weight and it made her self-examine. I did not advertise, or flaunt, or announce my mission. I really tried to be invisible. She was relentless in her criticisms. I've grown a bit of a thick skin over the years, but, when I'm worn like I am, it broke my heart. It really did. My own sister that works with handicapped people daily has no mercy for me or care to support the mother of her nieces and nephews. What topped it off was this phone call on my answering machine when I got home. My mother and sister had sat and discussed my children's hygiene and they collectively agreed that my one son's toe nails had been neglected too long and they were calling because I clearly had not taken care of him. I should've laughed at the audacity of the call. Really, in the grand scheme of things THAT is the best you can come up with?! I didn't laugh. I cried and allowed their words to burrow holes through my failing spirit.
Unfortunately, it seemed to spread. My gifted niece was vicious to my handicapped son and I pulled her aside and warned her that no level of intelligence without loving kindness is worth my family's time and if she expected to have cousins to enjoy she will treat them lovingly as of now. She shaped up instantly. I should've done the same with my sister. Instead I let those bitter words eat like acid through my shattered spirit.
I woke this morning on my favourite holiday of the year. I didn't have the Resurrection Eggs done, I didn't have the eggs bought, there were no gifts for my children, not a bunny, a peep or an egg. I still hadn't decorated, and there were no baskets. It was a Divine slap in the face this morning and a migraine was the cherry on top. This disease disables me as a parent and today it tore me apart. I've done poor Christmases. We have a big family and it doesn't feel poor. I've never done a disabled holiday. Yet, He allowed it.
Today was a ferocious battle from dark to light. I woke with a migraine and then realized that my disease had steadily sabotaged all attempts for a wonderful family holiday. I wasn't even going to make it to church because I was in the worst pain I've been in in over a year. Hubby went ahead with the kiddies and I was home alone. I don't think people in pain should ever be alone, they get morbid ideas. I concocted Suicide Shakes in my imagination and entertained drinking them to shortcut my way into Gloryland.
The only thing that kept me in line was biblical promises. Romans 8:28 where God promises his children that it all works out to good for those that Love Him was the first one. Then I was reminded in the Book of John He says that we love him when we obey him. Well, I can't go taking my life now can I? That would be disobeying. We are bought with a price, the price of His life, so, we are not our own. So, I prayed that He would give me His peace like He promised His children and apologized for hating Him and this wretched plan he has goin' on with the pain.
I love my hubby and my children. I'm feeling pretty useless to them right now. He has made it so that hubby can take care of all of us and has not left me alone with this disease. He is very understanding and logical about it all. I am blessed. So, I didn't get to give my kids a dream Easter and star in the magazines as, "Mom of the Year!". It's not in my control. My Saviour was there for me on Easter just like he was the First; and again he rescued me from the grave (well, morbid thoughts). He had to go through pain and suffering that He didn't want. Yet He did for me. He is my Hope and anchor.
There is concern for my mental health (clearly), ahem, I am experiencing a pain induced depression. I have an appointment May 10th with a pain specialist that will not be able to cure my disease, but, help me maintain the pain so as I don't get here again at the next migraine-triggering season change (Late August-Late November). As soon as I am an affirmed patient with the cooky nurse practitioners I will be making an appointment for help with the depression and a referral to a new neurologist.
It Is Well With My Soul.
Hubby is aware of all this and is very supportive. We're going to do an Easter Mulligan. We have birthdays late or early and sometimes Christmas celebrations, so, we're going to do that with Easter. Yay, for DO-OVERS!!!