Tuesday, November 13, 2012
"*The number of calories you should eat to manage your weight depends on many factors, including how many calories you burn through exercise. It may seem counterintuitive, but eating too little while burning too much can actually hurt your weight-management goals and the outcome of your fitness program. If you are consistently burning more calories than recommended here, please update your fitness settings as soon as possible. This may adjust your calorie ranges (if necessary) so you can reach your goals in a timely and healthy manner."
So, I figured on 5k - 3xs a week. I'm feeling kinda frumpy with what's goin' on, so, that's the maximum I'll commit to and toss into that little "Fitness Goals" thingy, let Spark calculate my caloric intake so that I can get my "Magic Portions" number (caloric intake range to reach my goal), and call it a day.
I found out my SparkFriend TROPICALFISH got hitched over the summer and I had my usually pathetic SparkAccount of 34 SparkPoints. She and her hubby got movie tickets from me. (She should be grateful, in the Non-SparkWorld I gave my little sister a book for their wedding present. I figure I'm feeding the 5 nieces/nephews that she gets to have moon all over her). She got a deal!
None-the-less, I neeeeeeed to get more SparkCa$hola and I got to logging my fitness.
Then that message above popped up.
I love you, SparkPeople.
I do. You have done me nothing but set me up for success from the get-go.
You've provided me with the opportunity to find comrades in this war for my health and you've given me scores of resources to educate, motivate and inspire dreams.
I LOVE YOU!
Like all true love, you annoy the h3ll outta me sometimes.
It all boils down to that nasty secret key to all relationships, 'Communication'.
I ignored you in the Spring when you went on your rant about calories in and out and how burning more than I need to may feel counterintuitive, blah, blah, blah.
I didn't believe you.
You've been excellent at spelling out the results of my efforts and helping get through the next steps in my journey, you've been sooo good to me .
Yet, I can't help to think that you MUST be wrong. Why do you have to be right ALL the time?
[again with the annoying]
I am not fit.
If I am it's YOUR FAULT!
When I first visited SparkWorld I was bedridden most days with a neurological issue and my maximum fitness was dragging myself from the bed to the desk to bed again.
I had to struggle to find fitness points. I even stooped to at least logging, 'shivering' .
[Hey, it was cold up here. Don't judge.]
Since the Spring you've been chanting the same thing (when I actually log my fitness) and I am still...I dunno...confused?
That message can't be for me.
Surely you jest.
I'm just getting used to the reality that maybe I'm not walking around in a borrowed body, that this is actually me...we are one.
Now, you're telling me in a year I've graduated from bedridden to active.
Here we go finding that balance and riding this rollercoaster called, "Life".
I know I can figure this one out ~ I've got you.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Just a VirtualVisit.
Sometimes it's nice just to watch chaos and not have to deal with it.
Okay, it's ALWAYS nice. I mean, take fireworks for example. I like watching them, not, setting them up.
Clear as mud?
At the end of the vid I mention a draw.
Yes there's a draw, if you want to be in it P.M. (private message) me your address.
Today I'm working on painting my son's room. I'm home alone.
Thursday, November 08, 2012
Which one of my SparkBuddies counselled me to take a sec and not think of my physical activities I love as rewards that I deprive myself of when I feel completely inferior? Cuz, you rock!
I did a little walking back home from school with the kids, but, I avoided my 5k like the plague.
I saw my hoops as I was cleaning up the Hoop Room for visitors and I reluctantly grabbed one.
I had cleaning music blasting and that was drowning the days high stress from my brain and I realized I was absentmindedly hooping.
It felt so relaxing...
I got to thinking about the 'stuff' I'm letting overwhelm me.
I hate inconsistency and I am the epitome of it.
I'm always changing!
I joke with Bobby that he's unchanging and I adore the security of that. I figured he picked me to give him a challenge. How can he know what I'm up to next when I even don't?
Ha - ha!
I will be working outside of the home. I've been a Domestic Diva for 15 years and the world has changed so much since college.
I'm at Square One.
So many possibilities. I kept thinking, "I have to make a HUGE splash when I return the workforce. Maybe I should return to college and grab an alphabet after my name. Then rub all those naysayers' faces in my success; all those ugly people that insisted I was wasting my life being my family's volunteer slave."
I realized today that THAT pursuit would make my work of the past 15 years void.
I am awesome as I am right now. I do not need to prove to myself what I know I can achieve or prove it to anybody else.
I want to help provide for my family and take my man places (and get my Hoopnotica Instructor Certificate and celebrate with an LED multi-hoop vlog....you know while I'm dreaming here...).
Thank you Sparklers for not leaving me 'alone', but, holding me up when I fell.
Wednesday, November 07, 2012
Yes, just so you know IT'S SWEEPS WEEK!
I have barely a clue about Sweeps Week being that I am the Queen of Netflix and watch my shows in marathon mode. I watch on those rare stolen moments when I'm lucky enough to find something that interests me (currently Miss. Marple and some criminal show). I do remember that term being used to describe my flare for emotional expression (aka-drama). It was midway through my journey last year and I had vlogged quite transparently about my struggles and a pompous Sparker scoffed at my tears of joy when love was poured on me from friends and spewed the derogatory comment, "Must be Sweeps Week". Apparently, I wasn't the only one being transparent with my personal demons and somehow the floodgates of vulnerability showing up in vlogs and blogs were a little too much for them to tolerate.
Too bad they're still back at the beginning and hugging their demons. Such a shame.
[Sometimes, I love karma. Only of course when it's pointing at someone else.]
So we commence, "Sweeps Week". It's where I yank the personal demons from their shadows to watch them curl up and die in the light of facts. No longer will they deceive me with my skewed inferiority complex.
I'm over achieving - daily. 1300-1600 is my range...2400 is where I'm dancing. Of late that happens to be my only form of dancing.
I'd blame it on the weather, or the mountains of Halloween loot, or exhaustion from beginning my day at 6 and not ending until past midnight.
Heartbreak. Funerals suck.
Commence the filling-of-the-void, with munchies until the pain of overeating distracts me.
I love walks. I reward myself with them.
Unfortunately when I feel like I am not deserving, I stop them and hide.
I stop dancing, hooping and walking.
I have to help out and I'm scared I won't be able to shoulder the responsibility.
I have been doing unpaid volunteer works for years. I do not want to deal with workplace drama on top of my home responsibilities. It's exhausting already keeping up with five children. Even the idea of throwing a job into the mix has me begging for mercy.
We're leaving our church.
From the first day being mistaken for the preacher's old schoolmate's wife and having the preacher's wife out to kill me because she misinterpretted the mistaken identity for her man having a horrid case of the wandering eye. It has been miserable. No matter how quiet, and unobtrusive I tried to be (and y'all know that about KILLED me!). Hate, fear and coldness I felt just permeated the last year and a half there. Satan is busy interfering in our church family, but, God is so much bigger. It's killing me though. I miss tangible friendships since we moved here.
I used to read my Bible daily.
Has the Bible's story of redemptive love changed? No.
I can't help to see it as only a sword to cut me to pieces and leave me broken.
It's when we're at the absolute bottom we look up and clue into the big picture.
I started this journey because He challenged me to trust Him.
I reached my goal because daily I struggled to hold onto Him when I left a church family that insisted on playing Holy Spirit instead of brothers and sisters. When I found this church and instantaneous it was not right, I lost hope and I began weaning Him out of my life.
It's been a constant struggle with Heartache, Inferiority complex and Fear.
"Man can not live by bread alone, but, by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord." Jesus Matt 4:4
If I didn't have that verse sewn on my heart from my husband's favourite song that I once sang in a Church Ladies Trio Special I wouldn't have it today wrapping it's comforting truth around my exhausted spirit.
I won't be disappearing from SparkWorld, but, I need to focus on He and I.
Tuesday, November 06, 2012
Pedestals are for competitive sports and floral arrangements. Period.
Tigers, elephants...or cute animals in general are also permitted...
Stop shoving me onto one.
Stop shoving me onto one to only push me off.
I am NOT your pet (or floral arrangement).
Why do people feel compelled to point out my flaws?!
Is it because I like to be so oblivious to others that they think that I'm in utter darkness of my own?
Don't get me wrong, if mine are being raked over with a fine-tooth comb I'm the first to pick up a weapon and engage in the battle of flaw finding. I fail in the battle of egos, but, battle I will.
"I love you...BUT...You know you're flawed right? I love you even though you're not perfect. I mean you are SO NOT perfect."
Hmm, gosh, thanks?
"Thank you Cpt. Obvious, fortunately (unfortunately) I am not oblivious to the obvious and in fact I know that I do things to irritate, offend, disappoint and annoy the general populace. Thanks for the pep talk?"
So, the combination of grieving AND an inferiority complex had plummeted me into the Comfort Food Abyss.
FYI, I didn't stand a chance when the surprise conversation of choice of my in-laws were: wills, executors, if-i-die-in-a-freak-accident-who-do-the-ch
ildren-go-to?, and the last things we said to loved ones that have passed on. Amongst a myriad of other 'fun' topics, my fav being,
It's like people are digging through my trash and are appalled that I use a ridiculous amount of paper towel in my household cleaning.
"GASP! She's single-handedly throwing us into climate change AT WARP SPEED! Kill her!"
Everyone has trash. Some more than others. I never advertised that I was a 'green girl'.
I know I am ridiculous and I was working on it.
I never have been Lil' Miss. Perfect, and I guarantee I never will.
Now, I don't even want to try. I feel like throwing out all of my cotton rags and subbing in a ridiculous amount MORE of paper towel.
Choke. On. That.
The conversations went pretty good. I was fine talking about all that stuff and in all actuality having a fantastic time with my mother-in-love. We rock together.
It just happened that today was a day where I've had my ego kicked so hard lately that what she really meant for affirmation I took to heart as the final straw of critical rejection.
I'm done spreading my sunshine (sarcasm - I'm venting).
I'm off to go lick my wounded ego and pick myself up off of the floor.
Where is that d@mn pedestal that people put me on just to keep pushing me off of?
I'd like to burn it.
Steps in Recovering from a Pedestal Fall:
Step One: affirm positive facts about yourself.
* I am cherished by HIM.
Step Two: To rejoice is a choice.
*No one can steal your joy. They usually just pester the hell out of you with their superiority (or inferiority) complex and you hand it over to them to get them outta your face. Don't give in. They're like strays, feed 'em and they'll torment you for life.
Step Three: Hang on to EVERYTHING positive.
* You may look like you need psychiatric intervention or some kinda mind-altering pharmaceutical when you dance to the music inside your head or experiment with lipstick on your eyelids, but, EMBRACE the love right out of life. You'll be so busy baffling haters that the joy they were bullying you for they'll kinda sorta run away from.
Goal met. Then the other life exuberant people are magnetized to your cray cray.
Step Four: Log your Love of Life.
Ew! I'll take pics of the projects I got going on that generally keep my hands busy from indulging in gluttony.
and many more knit/crochet projects...
Fifth and Final Step: Gratefulness.
* Thank you God for,
~My mother in law who does love me and99% of the time will pick my side when my hubby and I are at a decision impasse.
~My vent place that lets me dump out the crap so I can clean it up and put myself back together.
~My great health.
~My generally healthy eating habits and decreased self-abuse with food.
~My kids aren't embarrassed to be around me. I'm like a badge of honour.
~Happy People that make yip yips and hula hoop and streak.
~Friends that I make family. I love you 'mom', 'sisters', 'brothers' and 'uncles'.
~gratefulness breeds gratefulness...kinda like a bunny.
This Art Piece was made by Audrey. Yes, THE Audrey. Pour moi!
A Diva Bunny.
Her skirt is made from the tutu that Audrey wore during the 5K Color Me Rad Run.
The other day I was sooooo very bummed and when I caught a glimpse of her standing guard over my jewelry, it was like drinking liquid sunshine and cured the blues.
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