Wednesday, November 07, 2012
Yes, just so you know IT'S SWEEPS WEEK!
I have barely a clue about Sweeps Week being that I am the Queen of Netflix and watch my shows in marathon mode. I watch on those rare stolen moments when I'm lucky enough to find something that interests me (currently Miss. Marple and some criminal show). I do remember that term being used to describe my flare for emotional expression (aka-drama). It was midway through my journey last year and I had vlogged quite transparently about my struggles and a pompous Sparker scoffed at my tears of joy when love was poured on me from friends and spewed the derogatory comment, "Must be Sweeps Week". Apparently, I wasn't the only one being transparent with my personal demons and somehow the floodgates of vulnerability showing up in vlogs and blogs were a little too much for them to tolerate.
Too bad they're still back at the beginning and hugging their demons. Such a shame.
[Sometimes, I love karma. Only of course when it's pointing at someone else.]
So we commence, "Sweeps Week". It's where I yank the personal demons from their shadows to watch them curl up and die in the light of facts. No longer will they deceive me with my skewed inferiority complex.
I'm over achieving - daily. 1300-1600 is my range...2400 is where I'm dancing. Of late that happens to be my only form of dancing.
I'd blame it on the weather, or the mountains of Halloween loot, or exhaustion from beginning my day at 6 and not ending until past midnight.
Heartbreak. Funerals suck.
Commence the filling-of-the-void, with munchies until the pain of overeating distracts me.
I love walks. I reward myself with them.
Unfortunately when I feel like I am not deserving, I stop them and hide.
I stop dancing, hooping and walking.
I have to help out and I'm scared I won't be able to shoulder the responsibility.
I have been doing unpaid volunteer works for years. I do not want to deal with workplace drama on top of my home responsibilities. It's exhausting already keeping up with five children. Even the idea of throwing a job into the mix has me begging for mercy.
We're leaving our church.
From the first day being mistaken for the preacher's old schoolmate's wife and having the preacher's wife out to kill me because she misinterpretted the mistaken identity for her man having a horrid case of the wandering eye. It has been miserable. No matter how quiet, and unobtrusive I tried to be (and y'all know that about KILLED me!). Hate, fear and coldness I felt just permeated the last year and a half there. Satan is busy interfering in our church family, but, God is so much bigger. It's killing me though. I miss tangible friendships since we moved here.
I used to read my Bible daily.
Has the Bible's story of redemptive love changed? No.
I can't help to see it as only a sword to cut me to pieces and leave me broken.
It's when we're at the absolute bottom we look up and clue into the big picture.
I started this journey because He challenged me to trust Him.
I reached my goal because daily I struggled to hold onto Him when I left a church family that insisted on playing Holy Spirit instead of brothers and sisters. When I found this church and instantaneous it was not right, I lost hope and I began weaning Him out of my life.
It's been a constant struggle with Heartache, Inferiority complex and Fear.
"Man can not live by bread alone, but, by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord." Jesus Matt 4:4
If I didn't have that verse sewn on my heart from my husband's favourite song that I once sang in a Church Ladies Trio Special I wouldn't have it today wrapping it's comforting truth around my exhausted spirit.
I won't be disappearing from SparkWorld, but, I need to focus on He and I.
Tuesday, November 06, 2012
Pedestals are for competitive sports and floral arrangements. Period.
Tigers, elephants...or cute animals in general are also permitted...
Stop shoving me onto one.
Stop shoving me onto one to only push me off.
I am NOT your pet (or floral arrangement).
Why do people feel compelled to point out my flaws?!
Is it because I like to be so oblivious to others that they think that I'm in utter darkness of my own?
Don't get me wrong, if mine are being raked over with a fine-tooth comb I'm the first to pick up a weapon and engage in the battle of flaw finding. I fail in the battle of egos, but, battle I will.
"I love you...BUT...You know you're flawed right? I love you even though you're not perfect. I mean you are SO NOT perfect."
Hmm, gosh, thanks?
"Thank you Cpt. Obvious, fortunately (unfortunately) I am not oblivious to the obvious and in fact I know that I do things to irritate, offend, disappoint and annoy the general populace. Thanks for the pep talk?"
So, the combination of grieving AND an inferiority complex had plummeted me into the Comfort Food Abyss.
FYI, I didn't stand a chance when the surprise conversation of choice of my in-laws were: wills, executors, if-i-die-in-a-freak-accident-who-do-the-ch
ildren-go-to?, and the last things we said to loved ones that have passed on. Amongst a myriad of other 'fun' topics, my fav being,
It's like people are digging through my trash and are appalled that I use a ridiculous amount of paper towel in my household cleaning.
"GASP! She's single-handedly throwing us into climate change AT WARP SPEED! Kill her!"
Everyone has trash. Some more than others. I never advertised that I was a 'green girl'.
I know I am ridiculous and I was working on it.
I never have been Lil' Miss. Perfect, and I guarantee I never will.
Now, I don't even want to try. I feel like throwing out all of my cotton rags and subbing in a ridiculous amount MORE of paper towel.
Choke. On. That.
The conversations went pretty good. I was fine talking about all that stuff and in all actuality having a fantastic time with my mother-in-love. We rock together.
It just happened that today was a day where I've had my ego kicked so hard lately that what she really meant for affirmation I took to heart as the final straw of critical rejection.
I'm done spreading my sunshine (sarcasm - I'm venting).
I'm off to go lick my wounded ego and pick myself up off of the floor.
Where is that d@mn pedestal that people put me on just to keep pushing me off of?
I'd like to burn it.
Steps in Recovering from a Pedestal Fall:
Step One: affirm positive facts about yourself.
* I am cherished by HIM.
Step Two: To rejoice is a choice.
*No one can steal your joy. They usually just pester the hell out of you with their superiority (or inferiority) complex and you hand it over to them to get them outta your face. Don't give in. They're like strays, feed 'em and they'll torment you for life.
Step Three: Hang on to EVERYTHING positive.
* You may look like you need psychiatric intervention or some kinda mind-altering pharmaceutical when you dance to the music inside your head or experiment with lipstick on your eyelids, but, EMBRACE the love right out of life. You'll be so busy baffling haters that the joy they were bullying you for they'll kinda sorta run away from.
Goal met. Then the other life exuberant people are magnetized to your cray cray.
Step Four: Log your Love of Life.
Ew! I'll take pics of the projects I got going on that generally keep my hands busy from indulging in gluttony.
and many more knit/crochet projects...
Fifth and Final Step: Gratefulness.
* Thank you God for,
~My mother in law who does love me and99% of the time will pick my side when my hubby and I are at a decision impasse.
~My vent place that lets me dump out the crap so I can clean it up and put myself back together.
~My great health.
~My generally healthy eating habits and decreased self-abuse with food.
~My kids aren't embarrassed to be around me. I'm like a badge of honour.
~Happy People that make yip yips and hula hoop and streak.
~Friends that I make family. I love you 'mom', 'sisters', 'brothers' and 'uncles'.
~gratefulness breeds gratefulness...kinda like a bunny.
This Art Piece was made by Audrey. Yes, THE Audrey. Pour moi!
A Diva Bunny.
Her skirt is made from the tutu that Audrey wore during the 5K Color Me Rad Run.
The other day I was sooooo very bummed and when I caught a glimpse of her standing guard over my jewelry, it was like drinking liquid sunshine and cured the blues.
Tuesday, November 06, 2012
Life is full of hard situations, which are like getting thrown into a pot of boiling hot water. With this, we can choose to react in one of three different ways. We can either be like a carrot, an egg, or a teabag.
The carrot seems strong and unchangeable at first, but when thrown in hot water, it becomes soft and weak. With adversity, it loses its strength and can be easily bent in any direction.
The egg starts out soft on the inside, but that soft heart hardens and cannot be changed afterward. The shell will look the same either way, but when broken the hardness will still be there.
The teabag is different than the carrot and the egg. Once it gets placed in hot water, it reveals flavor and fragrance to everything else in the pot. As situations get worse, the teabag continuously gets better and it changes the situation.
How do you handle adversity? Do you get soft like a carrot, hard like an egg, or strong like a teabag?
Adversity is smothering our home with the loss of our Dear One.
That tea cup is a perfect match to the one that my Uncle gave me during the years we went to church together. It was from a set he had given his mother that returned to him upon her passing. He was a bachelor due to years of health uncertainty. He could have given this set to any number of people in his life. He chose me. He saw past my iniquities to that diamond in the rough. He saw something in me that reminded him fondly of his mother.
All I see is the rough lately. I see poor mothering. I see insufficiency laden in every aspect of my existence.
All I see is my ugly.
I'm taking tea today, out of that precious cup.
Just as in this time of adversity I will drink from the well that never runs dry.
I chose to be a Tea Bag.
Friday, November 02, 2012
I was sorting through mountains of memories and hunting down any glimpse of my favourite uncle in our family photos and came across a long lost before photo.
You know how I LOVE those photos, but, what I truly love is introducing them to each other.
I've come a long way, Baby.
My Uncle (he is 'technically' my Uncle-in-law, but, he graduated from that by being the only man that knew how to treat a niece), he was available, supportive, fun, friendly and so very kind.
He wasn't mine by blood, but, choice and frankly that wins.
I miss him madly.
I'm trying be considerate of my husband SNOWANGELSSPOCK and be his support in this time of grieving. He was my husband's lifelong friend, cohort, and uncle.
He is still in denial.
We named our middle son after our Uncle. In our home that's a huge honour.
From the day I heard of his passing I've had three mac and cheese meals in his memory and 20 chocolate bars. We LOVED our chocolate bars.
When I realized I was scorfing memory foods I reminded myself of how the last time I saw my Uncle he told me I was looking so much healthier and happy.
He even said 'stunning'.
I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want me to back track on his memory's behalf.
I'm stopping this train of grief gluttony and hopping on healing.
Inside and out.
Monday, October 29, 2012
[Camped out on the love seat is my youngest. She's been keeping me up at night with her cough & cold...she finally crashed for some much needed rest. I have my music really loud and she slept right through it...I even dropped my hoop LOUDLY - by accident quite often and she still didn't wake up.]
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