Friday, April 20, 2012
Which happens to be the garage/dump pile.
Let's begin at the beginning?
The morning was off to a lethargic start as I knew it would be with it being the tail end of the most momentous week of my kids and my life. We've placed the three middle children in public school. We have survived the Migraine Mayhem but the attacks have left my brain bruised and my resolve weak. I'm simply not strong enough to manage 4 grades, a preschooler and a home. The past few weeks it has been a roller coaster of emotions and adjustments and you guys have been a wonderful support. I am so happy to have you.
I'm very insecure in in person contact. I'm hearing impaired and I rely heavily on body language for my communication signals and I have a tendency to use that as my main form as communication as well.
This probably explains why I am so particularly attached to dance. If you didn't know me you'd label me as "Shy". I'm careful with smiles, laughs, and eye contact. In public, I feel as though my insides are a panicking mess begging to be a wallflower. I love watching people. I do not have to be the center of attention. I appreciate it, but, I love watching others be the best they can be. I love being the cheerleader, I do not have to be the quarterback. Know what I'm saying? Sure, I like having some shining moments, but, I get as much joy out of my friends (if not more, because I don't have performance pressure) reaching their goals and shining.
My heart sinks when I walk in a room or when I walk onto the playground now to drop off my kids. I dress for me and my security (my security blanket...if people don't like what they see, I can blame it on Max Factor). My peers leer or geer. I may have found a fellow cheerleader. Tank's 'great with child' 3rd Grade teacher that is leaving next week. She will always return smiles and greetings, I suspect she is like I was when I was expecting and seeing women that had many children that looked like they could keep it together gave me hope, "I can do this and not fall a part like I fear." She is very sweet, much unlike Jojo's teacher that enjoys turning her back to me when I am near. I just quietly accept her rejection...their rejection...their whispers, sneers, rolling their eyes at my skinny jeans, my bubble-gum pink coat, my french manicured nails...at my *D*I*V*A*.
I could de-*D*I*V*A*, but, I like me and I want friends that do too. Maybe it's part of the *D*I*V*A* but, I'm not going to settle for mediocrity. I want friends like you. That will love me through; thick, thin, high, low, weak, strong, dumpy and *D*I*V*A*. Ones that are faithful, supportive, caring, respectful, thoughtful, and FUN!! There is a peer pressure to change or dim my *D*I*V*A* with my in person peers.
REALLY?! Where is the fun of going for a walk and having to wear runners ALL THE TIME? Sheesh. Mom #1 and Mom#2 leave the school yard ahead of me after dropping off the kids. Just before they had been leaning against the fence taking turns tossing invisible darts at me because the Single Daddy eye candy was distracted by some tall blond this week. The tall blond has him on ignore which is apparently code for, "Nice to meet you", in Idiot Language. It ticked Mom#1 and #2 off anyway. When I was following (as it was time to exit the school yard, I limit my stalking to Spark) they tossed sneers over their shoulders and giggled at my heeled boots.
It just reminded me of a line the movie MEGAMIND, "Come on now. Girls, girls we're all pretty." Sheesh. There is more than one flower to a garden. Let's make this place beautiful!!
Okay then. I'm not playing with you. Your attitude stinks. Oh, and your sneakers. One word.
I'd like to tear you apart because it took two of you to make the rejection sting and that my presence makes you insecure enough to belittle me shows me that you have insecurity that I can manipulate and harm you with.
But, I won't retaliate and will no longer hold onto your poisonous hate.
I'll be quiet and teach my kids that bullying hurts.
Proudly wearing my bubblegum PINK jacket.
After I'm done hiding out in the Man Cave with my PINK ipod that my SparkFriend gave me and dancing my *D*I*V*A* moves that would make you DIE of jealousy.
(PINK is the anti-bullying colour that our school is asking children to wear next week to show support for an anti-bullying environment...Feb 29th is the day, but, it's going on again here. Surprise.)