Tuesday, March 20, 2012
I didn’t do this to be a better wife. I’m sure Spock likes that his wife is in her healthy B.M.I. She has her sass back and she’s feeling fine and flirty, but, I did not do this for him.
I didn’t do this to be a better mother. I’m sure the children appreciate that my health has improved and that I can care for them and their needs. I’m sure my ability to chase them down and if need be I can scale Gigantor is an asset. I’d like to think my energy increase has been a bonus, but, really they’re kinda cursing that because now I check their chores more.
I didn’t do this for my parents. My father who has passed on would’ve wanted me to take care of myself to be able to take care of his grandbabies. My mother I’m sure feels the same. However, I didn’t do this for them.
I didn’t do this for my community to keep my health from being an impediment to the system and my fellow man.
Doing this for me because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired coming SECONDARY to...
I did this for HIM.
Since Day One.
I'm not someone special that I get some "Get Outta Obese Range Quick Card" and leave everyone behind. I don't have a special diet. For lunch I had portion controlled Chocolate Chip Pancakes. In the beginning of this journey I was not the wife, mother, daughter, friend, neighbour, secretary, Sunday School Teacher, Trustee, Artist, Desk-Top Publisher woman that “I” wanted to be. I was just a 35 year old woman that was miserable.
The migraines were relentless.
I would get up from one only to be pummelled back into submission.
I asked Him, “How can I be all I can be if you keep allowing this to happen to me?”
“How can you be all you can be without relying on me?”
“I rely on you”, I lied.
“No, you don’t. You don’t trust me. This is why I’m allowing you to experience weakness. Hopefully, you’ll allow me to show you that I am strong.”
“I don’t think so. Know what? You’re right. I don’t trust you. I’m afraid you’ll get busy with all there is to do and forget about me, find something more interesting and realize how utterly lame I am and what a huge mistake you made even wasting your precious time on pathetic me. So, before you reject me. I Sir, will reject you. Go away.”
So, the migraines worsened. People prayed on my behalf, but, I refused to talk to Him. I was not going to allow myself to be vulnerable to rejection. The storms in my life were the most turbulent I had ever experienced and I wanted to take my own life to end the agony. I was sitting on my bed with the door locked and everyone was miserable and all I could think was their worlds would be so much better if I was absent from them.
Then I prayed.
“I hate me and you know what?...for being the Creator of the Universe, Dude, you needed to rethink the whole Liz concept. Just sayin’. This family, the air that I breathe; I’m not worth this.”
“I love you enough to die for you. I don’t make mistakes.”
“I’m ugly inside and out.”
“You’ve been neglecting yourself. You’re actually really cute.”
“You’re overcommitted and exhausted. You need to get back to basics.”
“I’m a crappy wife.”
“No one is perfect and it’s not too late to improve.”
“I’m out of control.”
“You’ve been in control the whole time. You just didn’t choose responsibly.”
“It’s too late.”
“Let me decide that.”
“I’m not man to break promises, neglect, harm, and forget you. I will never be happy to see you hurt when you try to follow me. Will you at least try to let me help you reach one goal instead of taking your life? Will you try me this time? We’ll just take it One Day at a Time.”
I mulled over His proposition before replying with, “This doesn’t mean we’re B.F.F.s. I’m really ticked about being an invalid because of the neurological thing, overwhelming feelings of being an utter failure and this all consuming loneliness with my husband gone with work. I don’t like you. I’ll try only because I have this weight on my heart...this nag-like feeling to at least try. You get one shot mister. One.”
I did this for Him.
Look what He has done for me. He was there for me any time I turned to Him and when I didn’t He gave me friends that would turn to Him on my behalf or stand by me until I remembered to do so.
One Day at a Time.
We have victory. It's already ours.
It's your turn to trust Him.
You are worth it. He doesn't make mistakes.
[This blog distracted me from the blog I promised yesterday..hee hee]