Tuesday, April 06, 2010
It has been a month since I have begun with sparkpeople. It has been an emotional endeavor as I could not have imagined. I knew of the challenge to be responsible with my portions (and dreaded the boredom hunger-pangs), but, I did not fathom the emotional baggage that I was going to have to purge.
I was really going at this challenge as a race. I fell a couple of times (hard) and because of encouraging, patient folks here at sparkpeople, I learned to shake off the disappointment and began to take it slow. Fortunately, the slower pace geared me to pay attention to emotional patterns and I've been slowly sorting through them.
So, I've rewarded myself with a long desired haircut in celebration for not giving up. The hubby likes the long hair (as do the vast majority of hubbies) and is still in a snit :( , but, is happy to hear the migraines have pretty much disappeared.
This is a picture from Christmas. This is its length before I attacked it Friday:
Friday, I hacked off a half of a foot just to see if I could cope with the dramatic change.
My little sister encouraged me to take some pictures of the before...
Saturday morning after working a few minutes and fighting with the mangled wavy tats and still feeling like a hag, I was sold on getting myself a new do. I did a walk-in to the First Choice hair place and requested a chin-length Bob. The stylist was the manager (yay, me!..that felt secure after all the horror stories I've heard). She said my mop was the thickest she'd ever worked with, and asked me if I happened to experience many headaches because of it's weight and length. Man! I wish I had one of those super-duper scales...I should have weighed my hair before and after! ;)
It feels F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S!
Monday, March 15, 2010
Did you hear that?
It was me kicking my dog. I wonder how many calories that burns. Cuz it feels good and I have a talent for it.........
My dog is in reality very fine. I never kick him. Even when I know that he's taken his big furry butt and pinned the toddler to the wall on purpose. I think it, I don't actually do it. I asked for him for my birthday last year because I thought the guilt trip to do daily walks would be an excellent incentive (also, my 3rd-born, 'Tank', likes to perpetually run, jump, defeat death and he needed a cohort). The guilt-trip was easily disregarded when my brain threatened to explode with last autumn's migraine mayhem. I'm jealous of my dog. He's all trim and has this huge mane of golden blond hair that he never brushes. It's disgusting. He has his food out all day and he's not fat. The toddler that he torments is his personal cookie-dispenser. I think I may try his food...... I think it would be easier to handle the starve moments if only dog food was available.
Follow me along as I continue my tangent in a whole other direction. My hubby; is 6ft.5' and 240lbs. He fills doorways. He's a big ol' teddy bear or grizzly depending on the fuel level of his stomach. He is my rock. Sometimes the rock that holds me up, sometimes I drop him on my own foot. I've noticed that lately when we go on his 'couch potato mode', that I am out eating him. Just this month I realized that I have paced my eating to his and surpassed! Wait. I'm not supposed to proud of that... No wonder I'm a big girl! He's been gently reminding me that I'm trying to be healthy by being an example and not taking extra portions. I am finding that bitter-sweet. Instead of taking that as a gentle reminder I take it as a challenge. Suddenly, "You want to be healthy" has morphed into, "see, how far you can torment/hate yourself before you really do kick the dog."
Which, brings me to my 5ft9'ish' preteen son. He is a master saboteur.
"Mom, lets stay up and watch the entire 'Murder, she wrote' 5th season on DVD. I know you wanna...."
"Hey, Mom, I'm hungry. Lets have chips! They're the Sour Cream and Onion - your favourite....."
"Mom, is on a diet!....Nah, na, na, na, na...."
I succumb to HIS peer-pressure?! I think the migraines have done some brain-damage.
Why do I think that I have to sabotage myself? Do I really think I am selfish, superior, self-absorbed, snotty and vain when I take time to take care of myself? Do I feel guilty that the migraines steal time and that I don't deserve to have anymore to take care of myself? Am I afraid of becoming the callous woman that dumps her family and finances to be gorgeous? Do I really believe that there is only those two choices available, 'self-seeking' or 'martyrdom'? Do I really have NO SELF-ESTEEM?! Why do I equate beauty with evil? God loves beautiful things....and why is that Northern Pike's song, "She ain't pretty, she just looks that way." playing in my head?
So, this weigh-in I managed to keep 1/5 of the lbs I lost off. Not as traumatic as it could be. I have my boobs back, which is a love-hate thing cuz I also gained back my calves and that pinching back-fat. Looks like I have some psychological issues to work on this week. I think some time to reflect that gluttony is evil and beauty is wonderful is in order.
Week Three Goal: Don't kick the dog and drink more evil water.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Upped the water and made my breakfast bigger and voila! Full, and content Lizzy. Thank God for miracles. I live all day long within reach of food. Today I was busy some rare chores and it helped me be distracted. Yippee!
Weigh-In is tomorrow and I just managed to fumble back onto the 'wagon'.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
My sparknutrition reports:
Day 1: Protein under, important, pay attention.
Day 2: Protein under, important, pay attention.
Day 3: and on and on and on!
Today I feel like eating not just everything in the fridge, but, the fridge itself. I may have mentioned to my daughter she was next on the list. Her response is what woke me to reality. "Mom, I am so hungry I could eat you and Dad!" Now, her Dad is massive so this warranted some time of reflection. Why is my daughter so hungry? She has eaten well. The same things as me today and I feel.....starved. Hmmmm...let's take a moment to investigate that protein blurb from my nutrition report. So, it looks like protein has my attention, "Fine! Happy now?!"
Hopefully it'll curb potential cannibalism.
Monday, March 08, 2010
It's gone! Spring sure helped this week, I actually find reasons to get out. Being a S.A.H.M. kinda gives me the incentive on a normal day but add sunshine and melting mountains of white gunk and we got us a HaPpY mama! I'm so ecstatic with the weigh-in today! 5lbs?! Yippee!!
That was WORK!
I don't remember there being that much work slapping that weight on.
I pulled the bricks of butter out of my fridge and lined them up on the table...5 bricks. Two of them jumped out of my bra...the other three I think came off of my calves....the third must of came off of someplace I can't see...but, hey, I don't miss it so I'm glad it's gone.
What am I going to reward myself with? I hit my goal early....ya, I know, poor me - not. Well, I think I'll get that tire fixed on my bike...I should check into those trailers I see and then I can stuff my babies in there.
5lbs?! Wow, that is deserving of a HapPy DaNcE.
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