Friday, March 05, 2010
SHM (Sporadic Hemeplegic Migraine) has progressed to a more intense level of pain today. I'm having difficulty coping with the pain and the very aggravating, facial and limb numbness. I'm struggling to exercise any semblance of self-control. I just want to do what everybody does when they get hit with a cruel bout of aches and pains; just curl up in a ball and have an ice cream feast to reward myself for not going stark, raving loony!
I'm a little bitter today. It's easier being on the outside of others lives and seeing them in their storms and having a bit of a clue where their ship is taking them. It's a whole different mess when one is in it. I hate it. I'm having real difficulty allowing someone else to steer this boat. I don't care at his point....No, not true. I care a lot. Even though I 'feel' abandoned and rejected by my God, it's good to know 'feelings' do not equate 'facts'. There's a big picture out there and I'm not part of random chaos, but perfect purpose. He's still driving.
So, I'll quicken this here solo Pity Party and remind myself that God's not cruel, God is love. He doesn't waste suffering. He knows what tomorrow holds. He cares for me. As my cousin reminds me, "When the Lord brings me to it, he'll bring me through it." So as much as I want to stand here (sit here) and vehemently thrash my fists to the Creator of the Universe and tell him to crawl under a rock and take this SHM attack with Him, I'll instead grab hold of this anchor called, Hope and ride this one out (I'm learning to have a healthy respect for the One that allows me to breathe).