Thursday, April 10, 2014
It's my hair or my body, but, I have yet to channel that negative energy wisely. I just find that I'm on autopilot and I don't clue in until the bleach has made my hair a rainbow of banana peel yellow, melted white and jello orange. That's when I remember to pray.
I am cruel to my hair.
It's not like I have some nastiness that I feel compelled to hide. I really like my soft light brown hair. I have a wicked awesome streak of silver-grey in my bangs that Rogue would envy.
I like the illusion that I have some kind of control on my environment. Colouring my hair when I am thrown into turmoil is all a part of my coping mechanism. I wanted to bake a cake and eat it solo like I had been doing since surgery and lay-offs. Instead I hit the bottle. The water bottle and then the hair dye.
I'm not doing the radiant red ever again. I felt like a clown trying to match my makeup to balance that intensity. That did not make feel pretty. I gotta feel pretty so, I can remember to treat myself pretty.
Yup, I am that sissy.
I kept in my range for two days in a row. I snuck a hop on the scale and it looks like I met my goal for the week. I still have Tiger's 40th on Saturday to contend with calories .
OH! Asides from celebrating a milestone in my husband's life, I was asked to put my resume in at a Retirement Home. I'll be following up tomorrow.
That's what started my panic mode. I was planning to remain a Homemaker during the lay-offs, then the tightening of the pursestrings seemed to choke the fun out of being home. I can't maintain or improve things if we're never getting past, "Go".
Tuesday, April 08, 2014
I bought a Reward Dress!!!
I have been pondering on an inexpensive way to encourage (bribe) myself to remain motivated. I am so indecisive that it was a miraculous feat in more ways than one.
It was $12 @ Walmart and I am positively in love. It was one of those times where I was running around doing a bazillion errands and as I walked by it time went in ...s...l...o...w... motion. I stopped mid stride and oogled it. Stroked it. Convinced myself that if I was to die today I would be in Heaven pining for the fun, simple, feminine, cheeriness of it.
Yes. Clearly I "had-to-have-it". My drool provided entertainment for a few unsuspecting people as I tossed it in the cart and headed to the checkout.
Who does that?
Who grabs a dress, confidently checks the size and just tosses it in the cart?
I hate shopping. It's usually a painstaking process. There is commitment when you purchase things for yourself as a wife and mommy to five on one income. There's guilt to battle, motivation to question and a myriad of other psychological battles to joust with and that's even before leaving the blasted house!
I am almost terrified to spend any money lately. I killed a car. I am off-season with my resort housekeeper job and was physically ailing (as of today I am well on the mend from surgery).
I didn't try it on. That is brave. I eyeballed it. I have not been able to look at something in decades and tell if it's close to my size or one of the kids. I always have to check tags. Thankfully the tag did say 'Medium' which is a standard 9/10 in Canadianese.
I am not wearing it until I get to 155lbs (and it is warmer than 20C). I felt fabulous at that weight. I feel great now. However, the fabulous I felt prior to the storms and the fall into comfort eating was more energy and vitality.
I am excited.
Did not happen. The youngest had me play her personal puke slave all night.
I love coffee, but, it's beating my water intake and my skin is parched.
portions. I am at the tippy-top, but, I am IN THE ZONE!!!
Nope. I could count the errand jogging. Know what? I will. That's a big honkin' store. It wasn't my fun fitness, but, I'll do some hooping while jumping on my bed after I get the kids in their own beds.
Daily Diva I put on earrings and even though I'm toning down my egyptian/retro 60's look; I remembered fragrance and mascara.
I tried to be invisible because I held onto shame and not His promises of restoration.
I've been asked to be a Youth Leader. I'm pretty sure it's because they have a dunk tank position they want to fill and hopes that I'll share my hula hoops, but, it's going to be awesome. Currently, every Friday evening I get to chillax with 8-18 y.o. The majority is in the tweens.
Monday, April 07, 2014
I ate my fridge and my scale squealed on me. My jeans all shrunk, same with my shirt, bra and skivvies. I thought that my clothes shrinking would bother me, but, it's looking like Spring in Ontario (7 robins spotted on my 5k walk this morning ~ the first of 2014!!!) and I'm looking for a ynew wardrobe FILLED with pastels. So what if it's a size 12 instead of 10?
Hubby keeps feeding me. It's his love language. His way of saying, "thank you-dear-wife-for-not-killing-yourself-whe
n-you-killed-the-car", & "thankyou-for-not-croaking-after-your-surg
ery", and "thank you-for-dumping-that-job-that-stole-so-muc
h-energy-and -sanity", "We missed you being home".
So, I would eat and eat and eat and eat.
No need for me to be rude. Right?
So, I jumped up ten pounds... It very well could've been all of it. It was stressful losing a job, a car, and mobility for a couple of months this year. My b.f.f. says I look better with weight.
I feel like poo.
I'm tired. My stomach hurts all the time cuz I went back to hovering my food instead of chewing it. That lead to irregularity. Which lead to sugar up and water down. Finally, sleep deprivation triggering migraines.
It's a beautiful day filled with sunshine and birds singing. The negative voices in my head have been bound and gagged.
Weight increase is selfish and so is the size of my dessert serving. My loved ones have to deal with the aftermath of my negative, abusive choices. Not one more time is bonding and celebrating the everyday with my family going to be sabotaged by selfishness.
I was working Sundays for the last year and I never got myself or the kids to church for over a year. We were a home school family that spent many days a week with our brothers and sisters. Our faith is our foundation. It's ourmoral compass. Without our foundation we crumbled. Without the peace from trusting in purpose higher than self, we went cold.
Our home is filling with peace, love and hope.
The greatest of these is Love.
A day hemmed in prayer seldom comes unravelled.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Combo of "Fun" and "What works for me", because it's fun to make vlogs where I banter about stuff that works for me.
Vlogs are my logs in video form. Sometimes they're closer to a journal, but, that's also "What works for me." This is not edited. I am not adding music or cricket sound effects when I have a moment of distraction.
Cherish something about yourself and you're less likely to give up on the whole package. My hair and my eyes I give my attention to. Some people focus on waxing or manicures. Something that you can cherish so that you won't focus on the negatives or the other things you're trying to improve that take more time. Having something aesthetic to pay attention to helps with self respect and can be a way to preoccupy yourself instead of scorfing food like you're a trash compactor.
Today I am just happy my teenaged daughter is 'allowing' me to grab our computer for a little chillaxin'.
So, to update:
I have dropped some weight after the hubby's holiday heapin'. He was on vacation and I was working extra and he just HAD to cook - ALL the time. When I FINALLY found some courage I had to keep saying, "No, but thank you for the delicious temptations. I really, really want to chunk up on all the excess food and sweets you're soliciting, BUT, my knee is killing me."
I also threw in, "You don't want me to buy a whole new wardrobe for the added weight, right?"
I don't know if it was my health or his frugal wallet, the food is not being waved in my face.
In wake of my car accident, I'm finally coming out of shock. My bosses have bent over backwards to align my schedule to my b.f.f.'s and she is more than content to drive me in. We get an hour a day to vent, dream, and banter. We were on different shifts during the manic holidays and my son's health scare and I 'm pretty sure our next visit would be jail because neither of were coping without our "Therapy" chats.
Water is so amazing. I'm doing superstar when I'm getting 12 cups in. I feel full, hydrated and energized. If I had any wisdom from this journey, that is my Prime Nugget.
I hope to chat more. I'm contemplating a part-time job in town at a coffee shop. I love my job but, I'm pretty sure even my b.f.f. has a threshold for my randomness. It would do me some good to stop hiding from my neighbours. It has been six years and everybody know where I live and I had no idea they existed. Then again, they're not outside hooping and dancing in public like a Homemade Circus. They could do their share and make themselves easier to identify.
Before: It's not the best, but, I'll get the one off our phone/camera when I can have a turn on it TEXASFILLY
Sunday, January 05, 2014
Happy New Year, SparkWorld!
Iíve had a second car accident in a year. My car choked to death on the guardrails I fed it when I was trying to brake for those kind people that neglect their signals lights, on an ice covered road. God Bless, Dipsticks.
(Whomever loves winter driving, raise your hand Ė and smack yourself silly.)
This time we can not recover financially from the accident. It was my second car that I attempted to slaughter in a year.. However, this time I was successful. My in-luvís gave me that car so that I could travel to my housekeeping job at the resort. So, our options were for me to work to own a replacement vehicle OR come out of retirement and return to being a Housewife... in the middle of Godís country. This time thereís no homeschooling. The eldest two are enjoying highschool when the eldest isnít trying to die from his second lung collapse in a year. The younger two boys and daughter are tolerating school. I think thatíll change when they have a mommy home that is not exhausted from walking 15 Ė 20 kilometers a day.
Iím so happy that I had that car accident. I walked away from it and it woke me up. I loved that job and my employers loved me. Every day I was off-shift my co-workers would say how dull things were without me to Ďcheerleadí them through their day. I loved the work I did. I spent a decade plus at home teaching or birthing and to be at a place where I could clean uninterrupted was so very beautiful. I ended up becoming a matriarch figure to many of the young ladies I worked with even though I was trying to find a separate identity. I missed being there for my own children. This past year has been a run of chaos Ė a blur - in health, home, relationships and overall existence. That job was not meant for a mom of young ones. I was expected to run like a racehorse and was rewarded like the stable hand. I skipped my Grandfatherís Funeral last week when I was too exhausted to accept his passing.
Tomorrow I give my notice.
I am no longer working just to work outside of the home. I am looking forward to savouring my life. I blinked and everything went by. Itís as though that accident popped a bubble Iíd trapped myself in and I just came up for air. I was not ready to do that lifestyle change overnight like I did. It was not the right time or job for us. I went from a maximum of 20km a week to 17kn a day. I gained weight in an athletic lifestyle because I left myself so depleted that I didnít have any energy to face myself in the healthy direction. It was like a highschooler in the NFL . Again, I took too big of a leap; in everything I need to learn moderation.
Iím back to Rinsing & Repeating...and...enjoying the things I love.
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