Sunday, May 25, 2014
I'm sure everyone has that person in their life that their words of critism crippled their ego.
I've been insecure about my legs since 17.
Puberty hit and I got curves.
I went from thin to this random mass of odd lumps and bumps.
I felt gross and ashamed when my body morphed from girl to woman. It was validated by an ex's comment when I first sat in his passenger seat and the disgust in his voice when he exlaimed, "Good God your thighs are fat!"
I lived in a home full of girls with a step-dad that never spoke unless it was important. I didn't know there were ignorant males. I innocently took this boy's comment as gospel.
I was a freak.
I met SNOWANGELSPOCK within the year and he worshipped my curves. By this time my self-image had been damaged and even though he said he thought I was attractive and he wasn't a guy to pamper egos, I didn't trust him. I thought he was hiding his repulsion to protect me.
A couple of babies later, I had a generational photo done ith my daughter, mother and maternal grandmother. Upon receiving a copy of the photo my grandmother said in reference to me, "Having children is no excuse to let yourself go. Her knees are huge!"
She had 9 kids. I waived her total disregard for my feelings and that her pregnancies were healthy and her postpartum diet wine and accepted her words as gospel.
It has taken me 21 years and I feel I am beautifully and wonderfully made.
For 38, and five kids later, I did not expect to feel comfortable in my skin. In 2010 I just hoped to feel less miserable and not wear the thigh area on my pants to dust from friction.
I know they're lookin' good at the top of my b.m.i. I thought that little gap between my thighs and knees was a deformity or sign of anorexia in my teens. I am 157 and 5'9". I'm comfortable in my skin. I thought it was because appearance compared to my obese form. My legs are how I remember them from before I battled obesity.
They're older and have more mileage; yet, I have pride and thankfulness. It's not the shallow feeling I expected when a certain vanity was achieved.
I was thankful for what God gave me. I have pride that I'm taking care of th egift of healthy, and strong legs. I can take care of my family because of them.
I am sorry for the poorly written blog. I'm having trouble typing on my teeny phone. Although the Good Lord is allowing me to enjoy healthy legs I have yet to figure out why I got Shrek sized fingers... ;)
Thursday, April 10, 2014
It's my hair or my body, but, I have yet to channel that negative energy wisely. I just find that I'm on autopilot and I don't clue in until the bleach has made my hair a rainbow of banana peel yellow, melted white and jello orange. That's when I remember to pray.
I am cruel to my hair.
It's not like I have some nastiness that I feel compelled to hide. I really like my soft light brown hair. I have a wicked awesome streak of silver-grey in my bangs that Rogue would envy.
I like the illusion that I have some kind of control on my environment. Colouring my hair when I am thrown into turmoil is all a part of my coping mechanism. I wanted to bake a cake and eat it solo like I had been doing since surgery and lay-offs. Instead I hit the bottle. The water bottle and then the hair dye.
I'm not doing the radiant red ever again. I felt like a clown trying to match my makeup to balance that intensity. That did not make feel pretty. I gotta feel pretty so, I can remember to treat myself pretty.
Yup, I am that sissy.
I kept in my range for two days in a row. I snuck a hop on the scale and it looks like I met my goal for the week. I still have Tiger's 40th on Saturday to contend with calories .
OH! Asides from celebrating a milestone in my husband's life, I was asked to put my resume in at a Retirement Home. I'll be following up tomorrow.
That's what started my panic mode. I was planning to remain a Homemaker during the lay-offs, then the tightening of the pursestrings seemed to choke the fun out of being home. I can't maintain or improve things if we're never getting past, "Go".
Tuesday, April 08, 2014
I bought a Reward Dress!!!
I have been pondering on an inexpensive way to encourage (bribe) myself to remain motivated. I am so indecisive that it was a miraculous feat in more ways than one.
It was $12 @ Walmart and I am positively in love. It was one of those times where I was running around doing a bazillion errands and as I walked by it time went in ...s...l...o...w... motion. I stopped mid stride and oogled it. Stroked it. Convinced myself that if I was to die today I would be in Heaven pining for the fun, simple, feminine, cheeriness of it.
Yes. Clearly I "had-to-have-it". My drool provided entertainment for a few unsuspecting people as I tossed it in the cart and headed to the checkout.
Who does that?
Who grabs a dress, confidently checks the size and just tosses it in the cart?
I hate shopping. It's usually a painstaking process. There is commitment when you purchase things for yourself as a wife and mommy to five on one income. There's guilt to battle, motivation to question and a myriad of other psychological battles to joust with and that's even before leaving the blasted house!
I am almost terrified to spend any money lately. I killed a car. I am off-season with my resort housekeeper job and was physically ailing (as of today I am well on the mend from surgery).
I didn't try it on. That is brave. I eyeballed it. I have not been able to look at something in decades and tell if it's close to my size or one of the kids. I always have to check tags. Thankfully the tag did say 'Medium' which is a standard 9/10 in Canadianese.
I am not wearing it until I get to 155lbs (and it is warmer than 20C). I felt fabulous at that weight. I feel great now. However, the fabulous I felt prior to the storms and the fall into comfort eating was more energy and vitality.
I am excited.
Did not happen. The youngest had me play her personal puke slave all night.
I love coffee, but, it's beating my water intake and my skin is parched.
portions. I am at the tippy-top, but, I am IN THE ZONE!!!
Nope. I could count the errand jogging. Know what? I will. That's a big honkin' store. It wasn't my fun fitness, but, I'll do some hooping while jumping on my bed after I get the kids in their own beds.
Daily Diva I put on earrings and even though I'm toning down my egyptian/retro 60's look; I remembered fragrance and mascara.
I tried to be invisible because I held onto shame and not His promises of restoration.
I've been asked to be a Youth Leader. I'm pretty sure it's because they have a dunk tank position they want to fill and hopes that I'll share my hula hoops, but, it's going to be awesome. Currently, every Friday evening I get to chillax with 8-18 y.o. The majority is in the tweens.
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