Monday, December 29, 2008
Okay mine doesn't quite look like that. Same kinda look just smaller I think or that is kinda like a close up. Mine is about the size of a nickel and twice the size it was when we found it about 2 years ago.
I found out in Sept of '06 that I had the tumor thru an mri which I had cuz I had bell's palsy (completely unrelated) along w/other unrelated symptoms. They said it was benign and slow growing and the "best" kind of brain tumor to have if ya gotta have one. Said it would take 25 to 30 years before I would be affected by it. So set out w/6 month mri and then yearly. I hate them hate the mri's like you would not believe. Never thought I was claustrophobic until I had to get in one of those things. Not to mention my size doesn't help. I did the open one and still just horrible to have this cage over your head and the loud pounding in your ears for almost an hour. Thank God for the Lord's prayer or I would not make it thru.
Anywho one of the doctors i saw a couple years ago said i could go prolly every couple years to 5 and be fine. So this year I decided I was not going to have one. Then I saw the eye doctor and she was a new doctor so I told her about some migraine symptoms I was having and givin the fact that I had this tumor she thought it was a good idea to have it checked out.
I had the mri the monday before thanksgiving and got a phone call the day before from my regular doctor -well a nurse-who said it had grown in size and that I needed to go back to the neuro doc. I saw him 2 weeks later and he said it has double in size, still not to a size where it is causing any problems but due to the fact that it is rapidly increasing in size he wants to remove it. Sooner than later but not before the holidays he said.
I can't help but laugh everytime I say I'm gonna have brain surgery. I think people think I'm weird or cracking up or something but come on who gets to say that? How often do you get to say "hey I'm gonna be out of commission for almost a month, O why you ask, Brain surgery!"
The doctor said my biggest dilemma w/the surgery would be the anathesia. I have to be under for about 2.5 hours. I'm fat, have sleep apnea, and asthma. Not a great combination and even thou I've had about 7, yes SEVEN surgeries in the last 6 years they all have been short in time.
2009 was supposed to be the year of NO surgeries. I'm really thinking it's no big deal, right. Just brain surgery I've never thought it would kill me or disable me or anything. But for some reason I can't stop eating! My Mom wants me to lose 30 pounds or 50! before the surgery, I have to have the surgery before the busy season at work which starts in March. I've only lost 21 pounds in like a year and most of that was in the last 3 months. Actually all but 4 pounds.
I'm a single mom of a beautiful 13ish daughter and pretty self sufficient w/enough BS between me and her father that I know she cant go there if something were to happen. I think about all this stuff and think why? Why are you even worrying about it?
Your not really gonna die, your gonna have a pretty easy surgery that this doctor does all the time that people survive and move on and live a great life. But I gotta really be worrying about it cuz I'm putting everything in my mouth and the only thing coming out my mouth is "I'm fine, no big deal".
So I turn to SP and know I just need to express myself somewhere, some where where my family won't worry, my kid won't see, my friends won't think I'm not that strong. Thank you for letting me get it out there. And I know I will be okay. Just gotta take it one day at a time and get real serious about dropping some pounds so i'll feel better about going under.