SNOOKIMZ   12,551
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Thursday, October 20, 2011

not really sure why i have to feel these things.. i recognize today that i'm trying REALLY hard not to feel at all. I don't like feeling anything especially lonely, sad, uncomfortable feelings. i keep trying to get back to eating the crap that would stop these feelings from coming to the surface. the way i would before oa.. it seemed to work so well i certainly don't remember crying like i have been so stupid crying all the damn time over nothing over everything. so life is hard so i have money issues health issues work stress home stress single mother blah blah blah BIG DEAL so does my sisters my brother my friends i don't see them all crying over it all the time! i hate crying at inopportune times like at work or when something isn't even sad or related to me. Snook woman don't cry my mom has always said that. we aren't week woman we have to suck it up keep it together for the family for those who cant we can and we do.. so

WHAT THE HELL IS MY F'N PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LARRSJ 10/21/2011 10:07AM

    Marie, I know what you mean with the tiredness...when I started on them, I was the same way, felt like I could sleep 24 hours a day...but I eventually got over that, suppose it takes the body time to get use to the drug...I am hoping weight loss and less stress can eventually get me off of the drugs...hate taking something to make me feel "normal" ugghh..

have a great weekend...and like i said, always here if you need to talk!!

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SNOOKIMZ 10/20/2011 12:09PM

    Thanks lady! Funny its been so long since I've done a blog I forgot there not private! heehe. I just realized this morning I needed to write out something get it out of my head get back to doing things that make me feel better i guees. Thanks so much for your words I appreciate them very much!

Lori! So great to hear from you. I've been on a few different ones in the last couple months I don't like them make me more tired or hung over feeling.. So stopped taking them all together a week ago hoping that explains the mood swings! Whatever it is I think tyme is right I gotta feel it!

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TYME2BME 10/20/2011 11:38AM

    You said today you was really trying hard not to feel at all and getting back to eating in order not to feel. But there comes a time when it doesn't work any more, your feelings are stronger than food and need to be released. That is what you are doing now. As each comes up, deal with it, acknowledge it and eventually you will find the balance. Don't be so hard on yourself, you started this journey and this journey even though it isn't what you expected is going to lead you to the place where you belong. Don't stuff the feelings down, you are stronger by acknowledging them and dealing with them, than sucking it up and being strong because your mom says you have to be.
I learned if you don't than it just gets worse until I ended out out of commission because that is what it took to get me to deal with the things.

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LARRSJ 10/20/2011 11:36AM

    Hey hun...I so know where you are coming from....I was the same way, I talked to my Dr about it and have been on depression med's for a few years...I was so bad I would start crying in the middle of a sentence....."hugs" to you...and hope you can get things figured out !!

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Another 15 gone!

Monday, April 27, 2009

I realized reading my last blog that I have another 15 pounds gone since I last wrote. I'm so excited and proud of myself!

I'm really learning this new healthy way of living w/weight watchers. No matter what I've done I couldn't get the momentum to get the weight off. I finally have found my groove!

Everyone in my meetings, on Sparks, in my family, and my wonderful friends have been soo crucial to my continued weight loss! I am so lucky to have the encouragement of so many around me. Even my daughter actually thinks and sees I'm doing it this time! She is getting excited for me too. (she's seen alot of times of not following thru)

I still need to lose another 25 pounds to have the surgery but I can see now that I can do that and beyond!

Sparks has helped so much w/the recipes, my wonderful team mates, the exercise ideas, and the E-MAILS! Goodness those emails are such a part of my daily life. I've learned so much from them and I love the inspirational ones really helps me keep my life in perspective!!

When I first found SP I met a woman named Jenna she was so encouraging to me and had great information to pass along. Unfortunately she passed away just over a year ago. I'm so happy to know that she would be looking down on me and be proud. I made the choice Jenna, the choice to be healthy!!

Thanks! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LARRSJ 4/27/2009 8:12PM

    Awesome job girl!!! YOu are doing so great. I so much miss Jenna too...we sure found a great friend when we found her!! I do not even remember where I met her, but I am so glad I did, and got her encouragement!!! I look back at old blog comments and messages she sent...and they still encourage me to keep up this healthy lifestyle.

Keep it up are an inspiration!!!


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ADHARVEY 4/27/2009 6:24PM

    Congratulations on the weight loss! That's fantastic.

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RUSSELLORAMA 4/27/2009 6:19PM

    emoticon That is so awesome! You should be proud of your hard work!

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Required to lose the weight!

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Okay so it has been quite a long time since I have blogged on here. I'm still here, still readin the emails, checkin the site and seeing how people are doing. I'm extra busy but still on Weight Watchers and actually losing weight! Amazin I know.

I blogged a while back about having to have brain surgery on a benign tumor in my frontal lobe. Well shortly after I scheduled and stressed about it for over a month my doctor's assistant called and said I had to lose atleast 54 pounds before I could have the surgery. I have to have an mri using a "stealth mri" machine right before the surgery and the weight limit is 300 pounds. WOW that sucked more than I can tell you. To be told your too fat to have a surgery you need to have. Apparently the surgery wasn't urgent so I have time to take the weight off.

Soooo that's what I set out to do. It is quite a different feeling knowing that something is growing rapidly inside you-in your BRAIN- and could cause serious problems and due to your lazy gluttonous ways your unable to have the thing cut out. I proud of myself for not sitting in my sh*t so to speak and actually getting up and doing what I needed to.

I've lost about 15 pounds in the month of February since I found out! I've stuck to my WW plan and I'm moving more and I am very proud of my progress so is my doctor. I still need to lose another 40 pounds and I really need to incorporate some serious planned exercise. So where better to get that kinda support you ask??? I know! Here w/all my sparks friends-the KC Team has always been so supportive and active in my journey I know I can turn to them!

Thanks guys! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LARRSJ 3/20/2009 2:42PM

    Hey there!! I have not been online in a home computer puked on us, and we just got our new lap top today (yaaaah!!) Was shocked to read this blog!! Hope you are doing ok with the growth!! But, ya for you...deciding to lose the weight so you CAN have the surgery!! So how has March been...February sure was awesome for you!! Great job on the 15lbs!!!! Hope to hear from you soon!! Lori : )

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RUSSELLORAMA 3/5/2009 11:06PM

    So glad that you're sticking with it and doing so well! You know we're always here when you need us and I appreciate your support too.


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TABBYC 3/5/2009 6:34PM

    Great job losing 15lbs!!! emoticon I am sorry about your current circumstances though. Good Luck!!


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PANDORA1002 3/5/2009 9:53AM

    Sounds like you are on a serious journey to get your life back in balance, and it looks like you're doing a great job! I will say some prayers for you as you travel along. You should feel really good about what you are doing for yourself!! Please keep us updated. emoticon

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Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I finally got off my butt and worked out! I did 5 mintues on the bike amazing cuz my arthritis is really bothing me in my knee. Then I put in the new DVD my sister gave me for x-mas. It is a dance work out DVD with 5 10 minute work outs. I got the first one done. So excited.

Feels so good to finally move. I can't believe how out of shape I really am after only 5 minutes on the bike I was huffing and puffin and really worked up a sweat during the 10 minutes. I feel great thou. I know it will get easier as I stick w/it. Soon I'll be able to do the whole 50 minutes I know it! emoticon emoticon

OH ANDDDDD! I stayed on plan tonight! Yea ME!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUSSELLORAMA 1/1/2009 12:29AM

    Awesome! You are on your way!


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GRALLEN 12/30/2008 11:00PM

    I'm so proud of you! You are doing the right thing. Start out small and allow yourself time to work up to longer spurts of exercise. Remember too to just take it one day at a time.

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Brain Surgery

Monday, December 29, 2008

Okay mine doesn't quite look like that. Same kinda look just smaller I think or that is kinda like a close up. Mine is about the size of a nickel and twice the size it was when we found it about 2 years ago.

I found out in Sept of '06 that I had the tumor thru an mri which I had cuz I had bell's palsy (completely unrelated) along w/other unrelated symptoms. They said it was benign and slow growing and the "best" kind of brain tumor to have if ya gotta have one. Said it would take 25 to 30 years before I would be affected by it. So set out w/6 month mri and then yearly. I hate them hate the mri's like you would not believe. Never thought I was claustrophobic until I had to get in one of those things. Not to mention my size doesn't help. I did the open one and still just horrible to have this cage over your head and the loud pounding in your ears for almost an hour. Thank God for the Lord's prayer or I would not make it thru.

Anywho one of the doctors i saw a couple years ago said i could go prolly every couple years to 5 and be fine. So this year I decided I was not going to have one. Then I saw the eye doctor and she was a new doctor so I told her about some migraine symptoms I was having and givin the fact that I had this tumor she thought it was a good idea to have it checked out.

I had the mri the monday before thanksgiving and got a phone call the day before from my regular doctor -well a nurse-who said it had grown in size and that I needed to go back to the neuro doc. I saw him 2 weeks later and he said it has double in size, still not to a size where it is causing any problems but due to the fact that it is rapidly increasing in size he wants to remove it. Sooner than later but not before the holidays he said.

I can't help but laugh everytime I say I'm gonna have brain surgery. I think people think I'm weird or cracking up or something but come on who gets to say that? How often do you get to say "hey I'm gonna be out of commission for almost a month, O why you ask, Brain surgery!"

The doctor said my biggest dilemma w/the surgery would be the anathesia. I have to be under for about 2.5 hours. I'm fat, have sleep apnea, and asthma. Not a great combination and even thou I've had about 7, yes SEVEN surgeries in the last 6 years they all have been short in time.

2009 was supposed to be the year of NO surgeries. I'm really thinking it's no big deal, right. Just brain surgery I've never thought it would kill me or disable me or anything. But for some reason I can't stop eating! My Mom wants me to lose 30 pounds or 50! before the surgery, I have to have the surgery before the busy season at work which starts in March. I've only lost 21 pounds in like a year and most of that was in the last 3 months. Actually all but 4 pounds.

I'm a single mom of a beautiful 13ish daughter and pretty self sufficient w/enough BS between me and her father that I know she cant go there if something were to happen. I think about all this stuff and think why? Why are you even worrying about it?

Your not really gonna die, your gonna have a pretty easy surgery that this doctor does all the time that people survive and move on and live a great life. But I gotta really be worrying about it cuz I'm putting everything in my mouth and the only thing coming out my mouth is "I'm fine, no big deal".

So I turn to SP and know I just need to express myself somewhere, some where where my family won't worry, my kid won't see, my friends won't think I'm not that strong. Thank you for letting me get it out there. And I know I will be okay. Just gotta take it one day at a time and get real serious about dropping some pounds so i'll feel better about going under.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRALLEN 1/1/2009 12:04AM

    It's good to get it out and talk about it. Have faith my dear. Put your concerns and worry in His hands. He will guide you.

When my mother was ill (this was about 9 years ago) they did a scan on her head too. I made the silly comment "did they find anything in there". hahahaha I didn't mean it like that but we both laughed. I'm notorious for putting my foot in my mouth. hehehe Anyway it lightened the mood and she did relax a bit about it.

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SINISTRAL 12/30/2008 6:13PM

    Ah, now I understand! This is a hard thing to do, and it can be scary at times. We are here for you - I can send you my # if you want.

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RUSSELLORAMA 12/29/2008 5:40PM

    It's okay to let it all out here, you don't have to be strong for everyone all the time. It's comforting to know that you will be under the care of well-trained, qualified and compassionate professionals. Hopefully, your recovery will be swift.


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BIKERBABE2BE 12/29/2008 4:46PM

    Any support you need, let us know. Feel free to rant/complain/cry/curse/laugh...tha
t is what we are here for.

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SINISTRAL 12/29/2008 4:13PM

    Confusion is rampant... interesting pic though!

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