Thursday, July 05, 2012
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Thursday, June 07, 2012
First vacation ever where I actually lost weight on the All Inclusive plan.......eating tons of Meat (chicken, shrimp, lobster, steak), tons of Veggies and tons of fresh, fresh, FRESH fruit!!!
.....and the Alcohol "straight only, no mixer"!!!
As for the rest of the food, the breads, the rice, the pasta and the potatoes............it looked good but........well, you know! Ha!
Monday, May 14, 2012
I’m usually not a Sound Snob at the gym, usually my music is so loud I could care less if anyone else is “making noise”….who can hear over Kayne West – Stronger on volume 10 in your headphones anyway. As a matter of fact, the last time I was so rudely shushed for “singing too loud”, I feigned that “What?!?! What you say?!?! I can’t hear you, what?!?!”, pointing to my headphones………the nerve of some people!
But okay today, not having charged my phone fully last night, my phone battery died, leaving me sans music for the last 15min of my morning workout………….thankfully, I ended up being privy to the ongoing gab fest by my neighbor, Cindy to my immediate right……..
Cindy: So yeah I don’t know whats going on these days but im sick of it………
Cindy’s friend: What????
Cindy: I said I don’t know whats going on these days but im frigging sick of it………
Cindy’s friend: You should talk to him about it!
Cindy: I’m gonna start getting some of those little blue pills and start crushing it up in his food!
Cindy’s friend (wearing headphones): What????
Cindy: I think he needs those little blue pills!
Cindy’s friend: Oh! Ha!
(long pause, and now I’m officially thinking Lady, WTF?!?! I looked at the guy to my left but he feigned not being able to hear anything because of his headphones)
Cindy: Well I could swear I found cobwebs down there the other day, I’m gonna have to do like Julie and find me a part time chimney sweeper…
Cindy’s friend: What????
Cindy: Ha! Forget it!
Cindy’s friend: No, I just didn’t hear what you said?!?!
Cindy: It was a joke!
(I looked at Cindy and she looked at me like, dude, mind your own frigging business…another pause)
Cindy (changing the subject): Hey have you ever heard of something called Speed Dating?
Cindy’s friend: What????
Cindy: Have you heard of Speed Dating?!?!?
Cindy’s friend (taking off the headphones): What did you say???? Can’t hear you!!
Cindy: Have you heard of Speed Dating? I’m trying to find Andrew a girl to date……
Cindy’s friend: (mumbles something I couldn’t hear)
(......so I took off my headphones)
Cindy: Well Andrew is such a jack ass he will never find a girl, I tell him all the time, Andrew you need to find a girlfriend and get out the house.
Cindy: I got this number for Speed Dating. Somehow it’s setup where you go on like 20 dates but they are like 5 min each.
Cindy’s friend: I saw those ads on tv…
(After a long pause, Cindy brings up her cell phone and dials)
Phone: ring……ring…….ring……..(click) Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof……woof, woof!
(From the SOUND of the Dog, I could only imagine a gargantuan Great Dane something like Marmaduke)
Cindy (looking at the phone): …………….Hello?!?!
Phone: Woof, Woof, Woof, Woof!! Woof, Woof, Woof!
Cindy’s friend: What is that?
Cindy: I don’t know?!?
Phone: Woof, Woof, Woof! (dog fades out) Rex! Rex! Stop it, quiet, quiet! Err, Hello?
Cindy: Hi my name is Cindy (name withheld to protect the stupid), I was calling about Speed Dating for my son Andrew.
(I guess everyone is wearing headphones at this point)
Cindy: I was calling about Speed Dating for my son.
Phone: (long pause)……..Ma’am, this is an animal rescue shelter?!?
Cindy’s friend: What did she say???
Cindy: Something about rescuing animals…..(to the person on the phone) This isn’t Speed Dating?!?
Phone: No ma’am …. Woof,woof, woof …. Rex! Stop it! Lady I gotta go…
Cindy: Well do you have the number for Speed Dating, I want to find a date for my son?!?
Some random guy from across the Gym: Hey Lady!!! Ask her if one of the dogs wants to date your friggin’ son!!!
Cindy (in a low voice to her friend): People are so rude!!!
Hey Lady, Too Much Information!
......but at least the last 15 min of my cardio flew by!
Monday, August 01, 2011
It was a true, "What the %$%^ was I thinking?!?!" Moment --- sitting there absolutely ROASTING at the UniverSoul Circus, oh my goodness!!!
Yeah, Sunday afternoon at 3pm, 102F degrees under a circus tent with 2500 other hot and sweaty humans from this planet --- if it had NOT been my oldest daughter's 13th birthday AND "the last second trip to the circus (instead of the pool)" being what she wanted as her birthday gift from me --- yeah, you get the picture!
I joked my youngest daughter that actually, we had passed the Devil himself on our way into the tent, he was yelling and complaining to management, and wanting his money back, even HE was leaving because it was TOO DAMN HOT!!!!
So......the cotton candy guy came by, my kids passed. The popcorn guy came by, my kids passed. The nachos guy came by, my kids passed. The hot dogs guy came by, again my kids passed. Asking what was the deal, my youngest daughter informed me, "Dad, seriously?!?!? It's too friggin' hot to chew!!!!". Yes, I agreed in my own mind, as the stifling heat was making even ME sick to my stomach. I then wondered how everyone ELSE in the crowd was chowing down having a good ole time?!?!?
Of course, NEXT came the snow cones guy --- "Yeah man, we'll take THREE of those, extra, extra, EXTRA ice!!!!"
Rumor Control in the crowd was reporting that it was actually cooler outside the tent because there was actually "air circulation" (it being sunny and 102F, not withstanding) --- the three of us being on the verge of quitting the circus midway through, we decided to go outside to cool off
Getting outside, we were thrilled because yes it was cooler, amazingly --- we made a bee line to the concession stand for some ice cold bottle water. In front of us in line, however, there was even more entertainment.
The young lady in front of us, after waiting patiently in line, ordered herself a double funnel cake --- that's two funnel cakes on one plate, for those of you that didn't know (like me). I was thinking, "Hey, maybe it's HER birthday too, whatever". You go Girl, live it up!!!
She wondered aloud to the attendant, if she could get powered sugar AND strawberry sauce with that funnel cake? Hey, it's America, OF COURSE you can, no charge!!!
After the attendant dumped the double portion of powdered sugar on top of the funnel cakes stack, the young lady had another thought, "Hold up! Hold up!", she said. "I wanted cotton candy too, let me get one of the pink ones!!!".
The attendant got the cotton candy and tried to hand the plastic bag to the young lady, "No...", she said,"...just put it on top", she replied (pointing to the funnel cake).
The attendant, me and my kids all had the same look on our faces.
The attendant took the cotton candy out of the plastic bag --- placed the cotton candy on top of the funnel cakes, yes on top of the powdered sugar. "Yeah...", the young lady continued, "....now pour the strawberry sauce on top". She glanced at me and my kids waiting behind her and said to us, ".....that way, the cotton candy and everything else will melt all they way down into the funnel cake!!!"
As the young lady was finishing up paying for her treat, my kid whispered in my ear, "Dad, I think I just threw up in my throat!!"
"Yeah, can we get three bottled waters to wash this down?!?!?"
Monday, November 08, 2010
Now I really no longer want to live on this planet, sheez!!!
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