Friday, February 04, 2011
So things in my life have been very interesting. Grad school started again this week. The bf has been doing some djing. We've been going out to the city a lot, which is new cuz i had never been to a club. He recently started talking to a friend from middle school again. Shes a stripper, but seems like a very nice girl. She doesnt act inappropriately around him and is very respectful of me, so thats great. Her club is looking for a dj, so bf went there last nite to meet with the manager (his friend wasnt working). When he came home said he doesnt want to work there cuz the girls are too pretty and he doesnt like being that tempted. He said 15/17 of the girls are pretty and they "arent like me". I said big like me? He said ya.... when we've been going out to clubs i feel like i stand out and once again like i'm trapped in a big body thats not mine, but my self esteem cant win against strippers. When he was there with the manager at the vip table two girls gave him free lap dances and all the girls came over and chatted before they danced on the little stage by their table. He said they were all pretty professional and the place is def nicer than most, but i still cant help feeling worthless. Like he was honest about everything and nice when he came home and said he isnt disappointed or anything when he sees me but i just feel so inadequate. He is a big guy (6'3, 300 lbs), but everyone is attracted to him and guy weight is different than girl weight. Plus hes muscular. People dont hit on me when we are out and compared to these other girls i dont see why he would be with me. Our 7 yr anniv is the end of march, but i just dont feel good about myself at all. I weighed myself this morn and am at 192. The good news is that a month and a half ago i was at the same weight. For not exercising or watching food im glad i didnt gain. My dad and other friend who i havent seen for a while said my face looks thinner, but i donno. I know what i need to do, but its so hard. I go thru this every year. I need to figure out something cuz eventually hes just gonna leave me. If i dont like myself y would he, u know?
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
So i need to complain. This school year has been close to terrible. the kids coming from the middle school know nothing because the school was in the process of being taken over by the state for not making ayp. They r so worried about us not passing that they r putting unbelieveable demands on us. I have coach class daily, i email/call parents daily, work with kids during lunch, call kids trying to get them to come to school, am in the building for 12+ hrs, etc. I havent been able to work out all year, cant get my papers graded, and am a grad student taking 2 classes a semester. It's terrible. My coteacher and I have both have days where we've said to ourselves if i dont wake up tom it wldnt be the worst thing. Y is it that teachers feel they deserve to be abused and if u dont give all of urself u shld feel guilty. Im close to back to where i was before and am not happy with myself. However, to make it worse.... my bf joined a gym with a friend. Hes worked out twice and is now pumped back up to where he was when he was playing football in hs. His arms, shoulders, and chest r noticibly muscular after two freaking gym trips! I cld kill myself for 2 yrs and not get the results i want. It's just not fair. What did i do wrong in life to deserve all this? I counted calories today and everything and bought myself a bike trainer for the basement but havent used it yet. Last weekend I tutored and babysat so it was like working full time 7 days a week and having no break. Sigh.... i just dont get it.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Bf wanted to get bikes since hes home during the day and wants to lose some weight (knees r startn to hurt him). We got bikes today. My last bike was the one i got when i was like 11. We went for a half hr ride. Of course bf picks a nearby back country rd.... 4.5 miles of serious hills. Lol. I cld throw up if i wanted and bf is still out laying in the front yard lol. Glad i did it thought. Havent been able to make the gym since school started. The gym is 45 mins away so now we can bike on the weekend and maybe after school once things settled. Now time to get some work done.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
So up at 4.30, out the door at 5:15, in school at 6, kids in the room at 7:40, kids gone at 2:20, left school at 4:20, at a different school for my first grad class at 5, done class at 7:40, home at 8:15 to find the bf gone so apparently im responsible for gdads dinner. Heated him up some fried chicken and slapped some coleslaw and potato salad on the plate... done deal. Its now about 8:40 and im eating some cereal because all i can see in the fridge is bad food. Im hoping to be sleeping by 10 so i can start over tomorrow (minus the class but hopefully ill do the gym). Thurs i have another class. Im very tired and have had a stuffy throat all day. I cant seem to clear whatever is in there and now its scratchy. Donno whats up. Butttt on the positive side ive met all my students (a day and b day). Everyone seems great but my last period on b days might drive me crazy. They are one of my younger classes (9th grade). Not a good sign when on the first day you have to ask them not to talk over you, but oh well. On an even more positive note, all of my lessons for my 4 classes (6 total sections) are planned and photocopied through friday except for friday's alg 1 lesson i still need to do with my coteacher. Im usually not this far ahead because i never had a room before so it feels good. Next week we have mon and thurs off so thatll be a nice little break. Plus the week after we get tues off. Im ready for some breather time (plus now i have hw to do). I guess like all previous stages in my life this will work itself out and it has been nice seeing my students from last year. They never see how good they have it until they are away from u:)
Get An Email Alert Each Time SNEVIL1 Posts