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strippers

Friday, February 04, 2011

So things in my life have been very interesting. Grad school started again this week. The bf has been doing some djing. We've been going out to the city a lot, which is new cuz i had never been to a club. He recently started talking to a friend from middle school again. Shes a stripper, but seems like a very nice girl. She doesnt act inappropriately around him and is very respectful of me, so thats great. Her club is looking for a dj, so bf went there last nite to meet with the manager (his friend wasnt working). When he came home said he doesnt want to work there cuz the girls are too pretty and he doesnt like being that tempted. He said 15/17 of the girls are pretty and they "arent like me". I said big like me? He said ya.... when we've been going out to clubs i feel like i stand out and once again like i'm trapped in a big body thats not mine, but my self esteem cant win against strippers. When he was there with the manager at the vip table two girls gave him free lap dances and all the girls came over and chatted before they danced on the little stage by their table. He said they were all pretty professional and the place is def nicer than most, but i still cant help feeling worthless. Like he was honest about everything and nice when he came home and said he isnt disappointed or anything when he sees me but i just feel so inadequate. He is a big guy (6'3, 300 lbs), but everyone is attracted to him and guy weight is different than girl weight. Plus hes muscular. People dont hit on me when we are out and compared to these other girls i dont see why he would be with me. Our 7 yr anniv is the end of march, but i just dont feel good about myself at all. I weighed myself this morn and am at 192. The good news is that a month and a half ago i was at the same weight. For not exercising or watching food im glad i didnt gain. My dad and other friend who i havent seen for a while said my face looks thinner, but i donno. I know what i need to do, but its so hard. I go thru this every year. I need to figure out something cuz eventually hes just gonna leave me. If i dont like myself y would he, u know?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EDUCGRAD 2/9/2011 6:32AM

    You have to know he loves you,he's been with you 7 years.You are a great person.everyone goes through some rough times.He is still with you through these rough times ,right? Keep up the great work. emoticon

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SNEVIL1 2/9/2011 5:21AM

    Update: so our friend who works at the club said they r going to need a bartender in june. Ill finish the bartending classes in 4 weeks. She put in a good word for me, so maybe i can do that instead of teaching summer school. I wouldnt be a stripper but would dress sexy. The other thicker girls who are shooter girls/cocktail waitresses/bartenders wear corsets and skirts. I wouldnt be the biggest girl there. However, that would give me 4 months to lose weight so i could feel my best if i did get hired. I also stepped on the scale today and found out that i'm 190, which means i am now no longer "obese". Woohoo! A few people i havent seen for a while have said my face looks thinner so i guess i have been losing a little. But now i have something to work towards and am motivated to kick it back into gear!

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HDHAWK 2/6/2011 6:40PM

    Comparing myself to other women is my biggest issue. I think a lot of it comes from being cheated on by my first husband and subsequent bf. I am working hard to remember he married me for a reason and he didn't have to choose to be with me. I also need to remember I've survived a lot and made it through, so if I have to again, I will. Confidence is sexy and unfortunately, we can't remove all the temptations out there. Your bf is very honest with you which is a big plus. I'm glad you went out and felt confident this weekend. He's been with you when you lost weight before and is with you now. Sounds like he's a keeper!

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SNEVIL1 2/6/2011 4:21PM

    Thanks for the advice. Last night i took a leap and we went to the club. His friend was working and invited both of us to come. I have to say it was the most fun ive ever had!! I had the BEST night! She is so nice and the club is very classy. It was laid back and all the girls were nice. I didnt feel inadequate and actually felt kinda sexy in my thigh high boots that i rocked pretty well. Afterwards we went to a night club and i was still in such a great mood i danced some (very rare for me). I wld go back every weekend and am really glad i went with an open mind. Plus afterwards my bf was really turned on by me... he said it was cuz of my confidence. I also started bartending classes and mite do that on saturdays. Who knows. I just feel great and am ready to start my weight loss journey again!

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RACINGSLUG 2/4/2011 6:52AM

    If he didn't love you, he wouldn't have turned down that job, and he wouldn't have married you in the first place. I think any woman at any weight would feel insecure compared to women who are paid to look sexy - i know I would! But at the end of the day, he chose to be with you, and you have to have faith in that. Try to see yourself through his eyes. And take little steps to be healthier, because it's impossible to feel ugly after a good workout!

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what did i do wrong????

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

So i need to complain. This school year has been close to terrible. the kids coming from the middle school know nothing because the school was in the process of being taken over by the state for not making ayp. They r so worried about us not passing that they r putting unbelieveable demands on us. I have coach class daily, i email/call parents daily, work with kids during lunch, call kids trying to get them to come to school, am in the building for 12+ hrs, etc. I havent been able to work out all year, cant get my papers graded, and am a grad student taking 2 classes a semester. It's terrible. My coteacher and I have both have days where we've said to ourselves if i dont wake up tom it wldnt be the worst thing. Y is it that teachers feel they deserve to be abused and if u dont give all of urself u shld feel guilty. Im close to back to where i was before and am not happy with myself. However, to make it worse.... my bf joined a gym with a friend. Hes worked out twice and is now pumped back up to where he was when he was playing football in hs. His arms, shoulders, and chest r noticibly muscular after two freaking gym trips! I cld kill myself for 2 yrs and not get the results i want. It's just not fair. What did i do wrong in life to deserve all this? I counted calories today and everything and bought myself a bike trainer for the basement but havent used it yet. Last weekend I tutored and babysat so it was like working full time 7 days a week and having no break. Sigh.... i just dont get it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EDUCGRAD 1/1/2011 8:48AM

    You are under such demands with your job,hugs. take some time each day to take a walk or work out some.I do this to handle my stressful days with the students I work with.I agree with .Start with 10 min . every day even if it is just taking a walk.you will do it.Don't give up.

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HDHAWK 12/7/2010 9:23PM

    First of all, don't compare yourself to your bf. Those darn men get results way faster than we do. No matter what, give yourself a few min. a day, even if it's only 10 to take a walk or ride the bike. There will always be more to do when you're a teacher and it sounds like you're having an extra rotten year. This too shall pass. It just doesn't seem like it right now. emoticon

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new bike

Sunday, September 26, 2010



Bf wanted to get bikes since hes home during the day and wants to lose some weight (knees r startn to hurt him). We got bikes today. My last bike was the one i got when i was like 11. We went for a half hr ride. Of course bf picks a nearby back country rd.... 4.5 miles of serious hills. Lol. I cld throw up if i wanted and bf is still out laying in the front yard lol. Glad i did it thought. Havent been able to make the gym since school started. The gym is 45 mins away so now we can bike on the weekend and maybe after school once things settled. Now time to get some work done.

  
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SNEVIL1 10/10/2010 6:08PM

    The bwi bike trail took me 90 mins last week and almost killed me. The 10.8 mile trail took me 57 mins this week and i feel great! I love my new bike computer so i can see exactly how long i ride for and the distance

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KRIBBY101 9/29/2010 4:46AM

    Very cool.

I haven't been to the gym since the school year started either. :( I keep waiting for things to calm but it just hasn't happened.

sigh.

Best wishes!

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Taking a deep breath...

Saturday, September 04, 2010

So I survived my first week of school with the kids and my first week as a grad student. I like my kids and it's been very nice having some of the same students from last year. It's like we picked up right where we left off and we already have a strong relationship so they are respectful, not afraid to ask questions, etc. The grad classes are going to be very challenging and i wish i didn't have to have a master's (thanks No Child Left Behind). I was starting to enjoy being able to relax a little, but oh well. I'm not sure how they are going to go but one step at a time I guess. And on a possible note, after these 2 are done I'll only have 10 more classes to go and I like the people in my classes. It's a cohort so we'll be together for all of our classes for the next 3 years. I noticed that at dinner I was much more hungry than I was before school started. i need to get better things for lunch. Right now i've been doing oatmeal or leftovers. Since i usually eat it late i'm really hungry at dinner. I also wasn't able to do the gym during the week but did keep tracking my food and when i went out with my coworkers and classmates I decided not to drink and to get food instead so something is better than nothing. overall this week I gained 0.4 lbs, but the last 2 weeks i lost 3 lbs so I was expecting close to no change this week. It's going to be an interesting year but i'm going to keep with it and things always seem to work themselves out. Now back to grading papers and maybe attempting some of this HW that i'm kinda clueless about lol.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HDHAWK 9/24/2010 8:03PM

    You'll get it all together Sara! You always do. Have a great weekend!

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FLUFFBUSTER 9/4/2010 1:21PM

    With change comes adjustment. You're reaching for your dreams and making them happen!
emoticon emoticon

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FITAT50 9/4/2010 1:02PM

    I like your attitude! You'll get through it, one day at a time, just stay focused.

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RACINGSLUG 9/4/2010 12:08PM

    Sounds like a long, full week. Even though starting a Masters program is a hassle now I think you'll be glad in the long run you have it. Grad school is a lot of work though... I'm in my final year of a Masters in Macro Social Work. I am going to be soooo relieved when it's over!

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maxed out

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

So up at 4.30, out the door at 5:15, in school at 6, kids in the room at 7:40, kids gone at 2:20, left school at 4:20, at a different school for my first grad class at 5, done class at 7:40, home at 8:15 to find the bf gone so apparently im responsible for gdads dinner. Heated him up some fried chicken and slapped some coleslaw and potato salad on the plate... done deal. Its now about 8:40 and im eating some cereal because all i can see in the fridge is bad food. Im hoping to be sleeping by 10 so i can start over tomorrow (minus the class but hopefully ill do the gym). Thurs i have another class. Im very tired and have had a stuffy throat all day. I cant seem to clear whatever is in there and now its scratchy. Donno whats up. Butttt on the positive side ive met all my students (a day and b day). Everyone seems great but my last period on b days might drive me crazy. They are one of my younger classes (9th grade). Not a good sign when on the first day you have to ask them not to talk over you, but oh well. On an even more positive note, all of my lessons for my 4 classes (6 total sections) are planned and photocopied through friday except for friday's alg 1 lesson i still need to do with my coteacher. Im usually not this far ahead because i never had a room before so it feels good. Next week we have mon and thurs off so thatll be a nice little break. Plus the week after we get tues off. Im ready for some breather time (plus now i have hw to do). I guess like all previous stages in my life this will work itself out and it has been nice seeing my students from last year. They never see how good they have it until they are away from u:)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUDI_CUTIE 8/31/2010 10:37PM

    Wow, you are very busy, but it sounds like you have some exciting things going on. You're managing very well, I would say!!!

I'm pretty busy too (or I would say, busy for me, but it is not anything like your schedule - but you're young!)

Keep up the good work and I hope things continue to go along well.
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