Wednesday, August 04, 2010
So I feel that to keep myself positive I need to make a list evaluating the current situation and what factors are causing me to feel down. This will probably be long and I'm not really expecting you to read all of it. This is more for me to verbalize and see where things are right now.
Positive habits that I am proud of...
I have been drinking water- even at restaurants, with dinner, and at bars; packing my gym bag the night before so I can go on my way home from work; tracking my food and thinking about the calories before I make the decision to put the item in my mouth; cooking healthier; packing lunch/snacks to last me until I get home; tracking my exercises; posting when I get down and seeking out my spark family:) ; telling my boyfriend no when we are out and he tries to push unhealthy food; and I have been trying to feel confident in my gym clothes and push positive associations on my brain during and after working out)
Things that are still kind of bothering me… wish I was losing more weight and seeing results, but I guess that will come eventually. However, I noticed yesterday that tracking my food and calorie awareness might be too much right now. Around dinner time I wasn't really hungry and was at a loss as to what I should eat. I was almost scared to pick something because we didn't really have much in terms of food and I didn't know what direction I should go in. Eventually I settled on a lite progresso soup, but I don't want to get to the point that I am afraid to eat. I think my calories were too low yesterday, so I'm going to try to boost it up. I also make a point last night to set some chicken out to dethaw so that I have more options for tonight.
Next, money is really stressing me out. I’m trying to keep buying good food and ingredients for healthy meals but it is so tight and my credit card debit keeps escalating. I'm not really sure what to do about that. I am getting a great deal of student loan money in the next month or two, so i was going to pay off my worst credit card bill with that since the interest rate is less and student loans seem less "bad" than credit card debt, but I don't know. I don't really shop much and I don't go out much anymore. It is just difficult buying my own healthy food, buying some food for my bf and his gdad, and paying all of my bills by myself (i.e. rent, health/car/renters insurance, cell phone, cable, internet, yearly vet bills, birth control, utilities, car payment and maintenance, etc). Even when I got my tax refund check it came just at the right time to pay another 6 months of car insurance. Whenever I get a little bit of money it seems like I magically get another one of those once or twice a year big amounts that I have to pay for something. What is more frustrating is that I don't even really live at my apartment. I might sleep there once or twice a month and my cat stays there. I visit every other day to give the cat more wet food and check my mail, but I can't completely live at gdads because tehre isn't room for my stuff and I like having the option of going there in case there are more disagreements with my bf's father. But again, I guess the money situation will improve when my bf is able to get a job and we have two incomes.
The home situation is also slightly getting to me. My boyfriend is trying to figure out what direction he is going to go in, so he’s been out a lot running errands and working things out with other people. This has left me home alone taking care of granddad, cooking, doing all of the dishes (no dishwasher), doing all of the laundry, taking out the trash, etc. It is too much for one person. I can physically feel my shoulders slumping when granddad comes in and says “make me a sandwich” or “what’s for dinner”. It’s also deflating that every time I go into the one bathroom in gdad's house there is urine on the floor or feces smeared on the outside of the toilet/floor/and sometimes walls because he had an accident and tried to clean it up. To add to that, when my boyfriend is out late I get lonely. The other day he got home at 4:45 from doing some work with a friend and I had to get up at 5:15. Even if he gets home at 10 I’m usually in bed. I love being around him and spending time with him. He's my best friend, so just being in his presence makes me feel whole and balanced. Dealing with the stresses of an elderly grandparent (who’s not even my grandparent) is a little easier with the companionship of someone else to kind of distract you from what’s going on. When I’m by myself it gets very exhausting very quickly. I can’t even get ready in the morning or take a shower at night without fear that granddad is going to come barreling through the door pissing everywhere trying to get to the toilet. However, in spite of all this, it seems like whenever I am at my breaking point my boyfriend makes an effort to tell me how much he appreciates me. This usually keeps me going for a little bit more. He told me last night as I was making them pizza on biscuits (because Bisquick was really all we had in the house besides my English muffins that I wanted to save for myself) that “their life wouldn’t be the same without me.” This meant a lot to me. He also said it would probably be better if he started giving me money and eating my food with me. He’s around 315 lbs and around 6’2”. He played football in high school and has always been a big, muscular guy. He has been the same size since forever and never really fluctuates. He used to lift weights and work out for football, but steers away from that because once he starts working out he blows up and his muscles get big… to the point that he can’t find clothes that fit. He’s in a 3X now and can still shop at most stores, so he doesn’t want to get away from that. I told him about how training yourself to eat smaller portions has worked for me and that he needs to pack things before he goes out. He’s always on the run and spends a lot of money eating out. He will go hours without eating and then sit down and eat 12 biscuits at once. I think it would be nice being supported and having someone else eat with me. He’s been staying away from fries and getting more side salads at restaurants, but just being aware of how many calories things really have would be good. So we’ll see. But I guess every experience makes you stronger and it'll be that much more gratifying when we are able to get our own house and get married. After dating for over 6 years I gotta say that I would like to officially be a wife, but I guess all good things take time. It can just be depressing when all these people around us are getting married and have only been dating for a year or two. I've been there and have put in the time. I do more than most people do and have been through much more than most people are expected to go through. I would like to be rewarded one day, you know??
I’m just trying to get everything situated now. My bf always supports me when I want to go to the gym, but I know when school starts up again in a few weeks and I start taking two graduate classes at night I am going to be spread pretty thin. If someone asked me right now "what do you need?" I'm not really sure that I could answer that question. Millions of dollars would be great lol, but realistically I'm not sure what I need. I think the first step is to keep identifying what I feel that I'm doing well and what obstacles are standing in my way. If I talk about them maybe I can give them less power/emphasis and be able to look at them in a positive way.
As always, thanks everyone for your support during this difficult journey. You are inspirational and I am glad to have you all in my life.
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
So again this morning the scale is exactly the same as it has been. I took a day off from the gym yesterday, but ate good the whole day. At dinner time I wasn't even really hungry, but I had soup just because I knew I should eat. However, nothing is happening. I read a message board discussion yesterday about how to kick "Stink'n Think'n" so I said to myself, "It's not all about the number. It's about inches too." So I took my measurements..... they are EXACTLY the same! It's been 20 days since I started SparkPeople again. I am down 5.4 lbs and no inches. I thought, maybe I'm just being too hard on myself, so I looked at the top of my spreadsheet to see my weights when I started SP two years ago. In the 1st 20 days of the first time I did SP in July 2008 I had lost 12 lbs!!!!!!!!! And at that time, I wasn't even exercising!!!!!! How depressing. What am I doing wrong? Yesterday, I felt like maybe I didn't get enough calories based on the numbers. I felt fine, but it seemed like maybe my calories were low. I put chicken out to thaw, so I tonight I know I'll get more protein and my calories will be higher. But still.... what is the deal? I feel better and feel like I should notice a difference in inches or my clothes, but I'm not. It's like inside I'm getting smaller, but my body isn't changing at all (if that makes sense. lol). I'm a little person who got eatten by a big person.
Monday, August 02, 2010
So I've gone to the gym 4 days in a row now (including days that I taught and weekend days). Tomorrow I am going to take a break. I have an appointment to get my oil changed anyways, so I'll be spending some driving time to take care of that. I compared my times when I did the 60 minute elliptical on intervals followed by walking on the treadmill for 30 minutes last Saturday versus today. I did almost the exact same distance and calories burned when I was on the elliptical, but today I was able to walk further and burn more calories afterward on the treadmill. I was tired, but didn't feel ready to pass out or anything. It seems like it is getting easier. We'll see if the scale goes down some more. It's too early to tell a difference physically or in my clothes so that's all I'm going on right now. I just need to keep it up so when two grad classes and teaching starts up again at the end of august I can stick with it.
Friday, July 30, 2010
So this morning i made sure my exercise bag was packed with clothes and such and went to the gym on my way home from work. I tried to push myself harder this time, but didnt feel as though i was struggling as much as previous days. I tried to get those calories burned up there and even jogged for 5 mins on the treadmill! I dont feel like death right now, so thats good. Im just hoping that foodwise im not hurting myself so hopefully i can start seeing some good things. Thanks to all of my spark friends for pushing me through!
Get An Email Alert Each Time SNEVIL1 Posts