SNEVIL1   25,542
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Evaluation List

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

So I feel that to keep myself positive I need to make a list evaluating the current situation and what factors are causing me to feel down. This will probably be long and I'm not really expecting you to read all of it. This is more for me to verbalize and see where things are right now.

Positive habits that I am proud of...
I have been drinking water- even at restaurants, with dinner, and at bars; packing my gym bag the night before so I can go on my way home from work; tracking my food and thinking about the calories before I make the decision to put the item in my mouth; cooking healthier; packing lunch/snacks to last me until I get home; tracking my exercises; posting when I get down and seeking out my spark family:) ; telling my boyfriend no when we are out and he tries to push unhealthy food; and I have been trying to feel confident in my gym clothes and push positive associations on my brain during and after working out)

Things that are still kind of bothering me… wish I was losing more weight and seeing results, but I guess that will come eventually. However, I noticed yesterday that tracking my food and calorie awareness might be too much right now. Around dinner time I wasn't really hungry and was at a loss as to what I should eat. I was almost scared to pick something because we didn't really have much in terms of food and I didn't know what direction I should go in. Eventually I settled on a lite progresso soup, but I don't want to get to the point that I am afraid to eat. I think my calories were too low yesterday, so I'm going to try to boost it up. I also make a point last night to set some chicken out to dethaw so that I have more options for tonight.

Next, money is really stressing me out. I’m trying to keep buying good food and ingredients for healthy meals but it is so tight and my credit card debit keeps escalating. I'm not really sure what to do about that. I am getting a great deal of student loan money in the next month or two, so i was going to pay off my worst credit card bill with that since the interest rate is less and student loans seem less "bad" than credit card debt, but I don't know. I don't really shop much and I don't go out much anymore. It is just difficult buying my own healthy food, buying some food for my bf and his gdad, and paying all of my bills by myself (i.e. rent, health/car/renters insurance, cell phone, cable, internet, yearly vet bills, birth control, utilities, car payment and maintenance, etc). Even when I got my tax refund check it came just at the right time to pay another 6 months of car insurance. Whenever I get a little bit of money it seems like I magically get another one of those once or twice a year big amounts that I have to pay for something. What is more frustrating is that I don't even really live at my apartment. I might sleep there once or twice a month and my cat stays there. I visit every other day to give the cat more wet food and check my mail, but I can't completely live at gdads because tehre isn't room for my stuff and I like having the option of going there in case there are more disagreements with my bf's father. But again, I guess the money situation will improve when my bf is able to get a job and we have two incomes.

The home situation is also slightly getting to me. My boyfriend is trying to figure out what direction he is going to go in, so he’s been out a lot running errands and working things out with other people. This has left me home alone taking care of granddad, cooking, doing all of the dishes (no dishwasher), doing all of the laundry, taking out the trash, etc. It is too much for one person. I can physically feel my shoulders slumping when granddad comes in and says “make me a sandwich” or “what’s for dinner”. It’s also deflating that every time I go into the one bathroom in gdad's house there is urine on the floor or feces smeared on the outside of the toilet/floor/and sometimes walls because he had an accident and tried to clean it up. To add to that, when my boyfriend is out late I get lonely. The other day he got home at 4:45 from doing some work with a friend and I had to get up at 5:15. Even if he gets home at 10 I’m usually in bed. I love being around him and spending time with him. He's my best friend, so just being in his presence makes me feel whole and balanced. Dealing with the stresses of an elderly grandparent (who’s not even my grandparent) is a little easier with the companionship of someone else to kind of distract you from what’s going on. When I’m by myself it gets very exhausting very quickly. I can’t even get ready in the morning or take a shower at night without fear that granddad is going to come barreling through the door pissing everywhere trying to get to the toilet. However, in spite of all this, it seems like whenever I am at my breaking point my boyfriend makes an effort to tell me how much he appreciates me. This usually keeps me going for a little bit more. He told me last night as I was making them pizza on biscuits (because Bisquick was really all we had in the house besides my English muffins that I wanted to save for myself) that “their life wouldn’t be the same without me.” This meant a lot to me. He also said it would probably be better if he started giving me money and eating my food with me. He’s around 315 lbs and around 6’2”. He played football in high school and has always been a big, muscular guy. He has been the same size since forever and never really fluctuates. He used to lift weights and work out for football, but steers away from that because once he starts working out he blows up and his muscles get big… to the point that he can’t find clothes that fit. He’s in a 3X now and can still shop at most stores, so he doesn’t want to get away from that. I told him about how training yourself to eat smaller portions has worked for me and that he needs to pack things before he goes out. He’s always on the run and spends a lot of money eating out. He will go hours without eating and then sit down and eat 12 biscuits at once. I think it would be nice being supported and having someone else eat with me. He’s been staying away from fries and getting more side salads at restaurants, but just being aware of how many calories things really have would be good. So we’ll see. But I guess every experience makes you stronger and it'll be that much more gratifying when we are able to get our own house and get married. After dating for over 6 years I gotta say that I would like to officially be a wife, but I guess all good things take time. It can just be depressing when all these people around us are getting married and have only been dating for a year or two. I've been there and have put in the time. I do more than most people do and have been through much more than most people are expected to go through. I would like to be rewarded one day, you know??

I’m just trying to get everything situated now. My bf always supports me when I want to go to the gym, but I know when school starts up again in a few weeks and I start taking two graduate classes at night I am going to be spread pretty thin. If someone asked me right now "what do you need?" I'm not really sure that I could answer that question. Millions of dollars would be great lol, but realistically I'm not sure what I need. I think the first step is to keep identifying what I feel that I'm doing well and what obstacles are standing in my way. If I talk about them maybe I can give them less power/emphasis and be able to look at them in a positive way.

As always, thanks everyone for your support during this difficult journey. You are inspirational and I am glad to have you all in my life.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BELLALUCIA 8/5/2010 6:39PM

    Hey hon! Wow, you are an angel. All things come to those who wait and your reward is coming!

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PATTYKLAVER 8/4/2010 8:39AM

    You have a LOT on your plate! Take some time for you - you not only need it, you deserve it! Keep blogging. It helped me sort out my feelings. I do make sure to go back and re-read them; sometimes something will jump out and make sense to me. Good luck and best wishes.

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Discouraged...

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

So again this morning the scale is exactly the same as it has been. I took a day off from the gym yesterday, but ate good the whole day. At dinner time I wasn't even really hungry, but I had soup just because I knew I should eat. However, nothing is happening. I read a message board discussion yesterday about how to kick "Stink'n Think'n" so I said to myself, "It's not all about the number. It's about inches too." So I took my measurements..... they are EXACTLY the same! It's been 20 days since I started SparkPeople again. I am down 5.4 lbs and no inches. I thought, maybe I'm just being too hard on myself, so I looked at the top of my spreadsheet to see my weights when I started SP two years ago. In the 1st 20 days of the first time I did SP in July 2008 I had lost 12 lbs!!!!!!!!! And at that time, I wasn't even exercising!!!!!! How depressing. What am I doing wrong? Yesterday, I felt like maybe I didn't get enough calories based on the numbers. I felt fine, but it seemed like maybe my calories were low. I put chicken out to thaw, so I tonight I know I'll get more protein and my calories will be higher. But still.... what is the deal? I feel better and feel like I should notice a difference in inches or my clothes, but I'm not. It's like inside I'm getting smaller, but my body isn't changing at all (if that makes sense. lol). I'm a little person who got eatten by a big person. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CTOLBERT2 8/13/2010 5:23PM

    Hang in there, Sara. Everything will be fine, have patience.
emoticon emoticon

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JUDI_CUTIE 8/5/2010 1:47PM

    Sara, you already have some good ideas for changing things, like adding protein and calories. Whenever you try something different, you need to give it a couple of weeks before you can tell if it is going to work or not. All of this is a very slow process.

And really what is the alternative? Giving up? Eating everything in sight? So you know you are going to continue to choose to do your best, and eventually it is going to give you the results you want. I know it will!

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EDUCGRAD 8/4/2010 12:37PM

    hang in there.you are doing awesome and the weight is coming off.Often it is slower than we want it too.Just keep up the hard work,it will pay off.

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SNEVIL1 8/4/2010 8:36AM

    Thanks. I am going to try to eat more calories today and see how that goes.

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DKHEISER 8/4/2010 7:29AM

  Hang in there!! Two suggestions that I recently received that helped me...EAT ALL YOUR CALORIES...when you don't eat enough your body starts to store food thinking you are going into a famine stage. Then look at your reports to see the make up of the food you are eating - so for instance, I found although I was eating the calories and eating healthy I was consuming too much fat grams...this made a huge difference.

Keep plugging away - it's a lifelong change not a quick fix. We are all routing for you!

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NANN66 8/4/2010 7:25AM

    Just keep in mind that your body is taking time to adjust. The numbers will change. But I am in there with you. So you are not alone!!!!

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MROSE721 8/4/2010 7:23AM

  we all hear ya, we all go through periods like that, but it will change, just hang in there. just when u feel like giving up, a break through will come and will encourage you to keep going. keep us posted, and be blessed!!!

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On the right track

Monday, August 02, 2010

So I've gone to the gym 4 days in a row now (including days that I taught and weekend days). Tomorrow I am going to take a break. I have an appointment to get my oil changed anyways, so I'll be spending some driving time to take care of that. I compared my times when I did the 60 minute elliptical on intervals followed by walking on the treadmill for 30 minutes last Saturday versus today. I did almost the exact same distance and calories burned when I was on the elliptical, but today I was able to walk further and burn more calories afterward on the treadmill. I was tired, but didn't feel ready to pass out or anything. It seems like it is getting easier. We'll see if the scale goes down some more. It's too early to tell a difference physically or in my clothes so that's all I'm going on right now. I just need to keep it up so when two grad classes and teaching starts up again at the end of august I can stick with it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUNNER_TIFF_07 8/2/2010 10:17PM

    Sounds great!! You deserve a rest day after the last four days of working out! Keep up the momentum!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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YESIWILLDOIT 8/2/2010 8:30PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Lost some weight!

Saturday, July 31, 2010

So this morning I was 199.6! I'm glad I'm off the 201.4 rut and am now under 200 lbs. Last night my boyfriend wanted to eat out somewhere so I wouldn't have to cook dinner. We decided on Ruby Tuesday. I went on their website and researched their food options. They have a nice list of smarter choice foods. I got the Chicken Bella. It was FANTASTIC! It was a large chicken breast with mushrooms in an artichoke cream sauce (417 cal). I got it with steamed broccoli (84 cal) and sauteed mushrooms (98 cal). I drank water (for the first time at a restaurant in a very long time) and did one trip to the salad bar. I loaded up on veggies at the salad bar, skipped the pasta salads, and got one serving of lite ranch. I was afraid that it wouldn't have enough dressing to get on the lettuce at the bottom of the pile, but it was enough. Then we went to a bar we go to frequently and I had water. I'm just glad after how hard I worked yesterday at the gym and then really trying to eat well and make good decisions I saw some results.

Oh... and I forgot to mention that when it was dinner time I wasn't crazy starving. I staggered my snacks throughout the day that I felt good and sustained. I was able to stop, think, and make good decisions versus being so unbelievably hungry that I stuff everything down that I can. A fiber one bar when I'm feeling hungry before dinner works pretty well for me (but I could do without the gas. LOL!)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EDUCGRAD 7/31/2010 3:44PM

    Way to go ,great job checking out healthy choices before you went emoticon

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MUDOWE1 7/31/2010 2:53PM

  emoticon

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GREENIE-GREEN 7/31/2010 1:32PM

    Wow, that 200 hump is a big one, one I'm hoping I'll see the end of in a few weeks. Go you for reaching such a great milestone, and YAY on making healthy choices. emoticon

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FRENCHYFEVER 7/31/2010 1:02PM

    Congratulations! You are doing great and making really good choices. Keep up the awesome work!



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JESTICJADE 7/31/2010 12:53PM

    Good for you. Getting over the 200 lbs make is huge. It was for me too.

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RUNNER_TIFF_07 7/31/2010 12:53PM

    Great job!!! I'm so excited for you! Results are definitely nice to see. You're making smart choices, both in your eating and your fitness. You can do this! :)

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i actually feel good after working out!

Friday, July 30, 2010

So this morning i made sure my exercise bag was packed with clothes and such and went to the gym on my way home from work. I tried to push myself harder this time, but didnt feel as though i was struggling as much as previous days. I tried to get those calories burned up there and even jogged for 5 mins on the treadmill! I dont feel like death right now, so thats good. Im just hoping that foodwise im not hurting myself so hopefully i can start seeing some good things. Thanks to all of my spark friends for pushing me through!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FITWITHIN 7/30/2010 6:57PM

    Wonderful! This is why I have to exercise daily, because it's energizing.

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ROWERANDY 7/30/2010 4:32PM

    I too am amazed at the euphoria that I feel after a workout. It is like the energizer bunny it just keep going and going and etc. emoticon

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KRIBBY101 7/30/2010 4:11PM

    Awesome! I think you've turned the corner and are on the right mental track!!!! Congrats!

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