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Tournament, and my third stripe

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I haven't posted in a while. Been really busy at work and with TKD. I won't bore you with the details, other than to tell you what happened this weekend and today.

This weekend was a tournament, and I decided to compete, even though I'm still a white belt. It was so much fun! Lots of standing around watching though. Adult color belts go really late in the day. All of my friends did really well, and it was so much fun seeing all the different things people can do.

So when it was my turn, I was competing against 2 orange belt guys and a yellow belt girl. One of the orange belt guys was out of his depth, and was really struggling. The other one was pretty much on my level, and the yellow belt girl was good, at least to my untrained eye. So we did forms first, and I tied for second with one of the orange belts. I forgot to do any of my ki-aps!!! But that meant the orange belt and I had to do our forms again. The second time I didn't forget, and I wasn't so nervous. I won the tie! And so I got second place, behind the yellow belt.

So then we did weapons. I'm not really happy with how I did. I was so nervous I missed the neck wrap. Really I should have just taken it out, it was too iffy anyways. But I didn't. So I missed it, and then retried it 2 more times and missed it both times!! Argh!!!

So I got 3rd in weapons. Still not last though. And one of the judges came up afterwards and told me that next time if I miss it I should just move on. He said that every time I missed it he had to take off another point! But he said if I had just missed it the one time, and then moved on I would have gotten 1st place, even with the miss! That's how good and difficult my weapons form was. How cool is that???

Then we did one steps, and I got third in those too. I'm not too happy with that either, I think I can do better. I'm going to ask Master Walker to critique it for me.

Speaking of Master Walker!!! She took the time out of the tournament to come watch ME compete!!! ME!!! A nobody white belt! She had like 2-3 other students to choose from, but she came and watched me. How cool is that??!! So did Mr B, and a couple of my friends from class. And my whole family came, even my brother. I thought they'd think it was weird, but they said they had fun and they were proud of me.

I have NEVER done anything like that. I think I've only ever competed in high school band, and for a few weeks I was on a swim team. But that's it. This is soooo much better than that! And sooo much scarier. I actually work at this, because I love it and I want to do really well. Band and swim team were just passing time, you know? This is much more than that.

So I now have 3 medals, and I have no idea what to do with them... I have never won any before. Currently they're hanging on my wall, but I need a better place or arrangement or something for them.

So then tonight I went to Leadership class and it was great. I love it because everyone there really WANTS to be there. And I love it because everyone is a MUCH higher belt than I am. Which means I get to learn all kinds of cool stuff I wouldn't know otherwise.

And tonight Master Walker gave me my 3rd stripe! Which means I have gone as far as I can as a white belt. So testing is coming in the next couple weeks, and it means I'm ready. So really really soon I will be an orange belt!!!

I really can't believe it. I've stuck with it for a couple months, they've just flown by!

So my goal now? Well, get my orange belt of course. But also get my weight down further, and start working on building up my cardio and endurance. Because around christmas time I will be testing for camo belt, and THEN dear friends I get to SPAR!!! I can't wait!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DENISEHIDALGO 8/12/2010 10:36AM

    Congrats!! What a great post. I have attended tournaments to support others but never competed myself; very inspiring to read about your experience. So glad we're Sparkfriends now!

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JIBBIE49 8/10/2010 12:10AM

    emoticonMy 19 yod, Maggie has been in JUDO for the past 10 years, so keep at it.

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I finally hit the windmill!!! (or...a Perfect Day)

Sunday, July 18, 2010

So why was today a perfect day? One of those rare days where everything is right with the world and it feels good just to be breathing?

I'm not sure...I can't explain it. I can only say what happened today.

This morning (actually Saturday morning, as I'm writing this at 3 a.m. on Sunday morning), I slept late and then got up and went and weighed myself. I have officially broken 200!!! I weighed 199 at 10 a.m.!!! I was so excited!!!

I feel like this whole time I've been tilting at windmills thinking they were giants. What's the name of that book? The one with the crazy guy who thinks he's a knight and so he goes and attacks windmills with a javelin because he thinks they're giants? I can't remember...anyways, all this time I've been aiming myself at 200 lbs like it's a giant, but I keep missing, because I freak myself out and shy away from it. But...it's not a giant, it's just a windmill. So...I feel a bit dumb, but more than that I feel relieved.

So THEN I leave and go to my taekwondo gym. I had slept through my normal class, but they were having 2 special seminars today. One on sparring and one on ground fighting. The sparring one was really fun. As a white belt I can't spar yet, won't be able to for at least 6 months, but I could work on the fundamentals. So there were 10 of us in the class and Master Walker had us warm up in a VERY unusual way. She put all 5 of the adults (2 teenagers) in one sparring ring, no gear though. And put the 5 kids in the other. THEN she had us play a game called Monkey in the Middle. It's like tag, only you can't leave a defined space, in this case the square sparring ring. It was actually VERY fun, and a VERY good warm up. AND it taught us things like - don't let yourself get backed into a corner, moving sideways is better than straight back, keep moving all the time, don't stand still, dodge the "monkey's" hand, don't just run because there's no where to go...that sort of thing. Lol I think the adults enjoyed it more than the kids.

Then the people who were high enough belts to spar got into their gear, and the rest of us practiced sparring combinations against each other using a body shield. We practiced moving sideways instead of backwards, which is not as easy as I thought it would be.

It was a good class, but very tiring.

THEN 4 of us stuck around for the ground fighting seminar. It was Lena and I (Lena's this girl I'm getting to be very good friends with from the school) and two boys in their early teens. Mr B (not gonna put his last name) taught tha class. I should say here that Mr B is my friend from Church who introduced me to taekwondo. I usually don't take classes with him though, at first because my schedule wouldn't allow me to, but now...well I'll tell you that part in a second. It's nothing bad, in fact i'm pretty happy about it.

Anyways, ground fighting is SOOOOO much fun!!!! At first it was really awkward. Basically it's where you're wrestling around on the ground with your opponent, trying to straddle them in some way and pin them under you and either immobilize them or tire them out. We were just learning the basics today, but it was fun! Needless to say, at first Lena and I were partnered up. I got to know Lena a lot better than I had planned...what with the straddling and pinning and laying across each other. The first time was really weird. But after we got over the weirdness of being pretty much all over each other, we got really into the learning something new and different thing. It was GREAT!!!

Mr B would demonstrate the technique with one of the class members, but he never chose me for the demos. I wondered why, because he chose everyone else a few times (there were only 4 of us). I *think* it was because he wasn't sure how
I'd react, he said later that many women DO NOT like ground fighting, that they feel too vulnerable or they've had a bad experience in their past that ground fighting is too similar too. Lena had done ground fighting before, so I think he already knew she was fine with it. But he wasn't sure how I'd feel about it.

So I had a BLAST with ground fighting. I didn't really like having to
learn how to fall, that was not fun. At one point I forgot to tuck my head in and i bonked it on the mat. No permanent damage, but I had to lay there for a second to make sure my brain wasn't sloshing around. Why is it that the second you hurt yourself people feel like they need to hold a long drawn out conversation? I don't mind telling them I'll be fine. But if I just hit my head on something (or banged my toe or hit my thumb with a hammer) then I am dealing with the hurting part right then, and I don't really have the brain power to spare to have a discussion to analyze exactly what is happening, and what I'm feeling etc.... This is not just a taekwondo thing, it happens all the time, and to everyone. It's just weird.

Anyways, even that didn't ruin my perfect day. After class Lena took my TKD pants and said she'd hem them for me! They were very dirty from rolling around on the floor. But she didn't care!!! She had noticed I kept stepping on them all the time. She's a good friend (and a better one now that we've bonded while trying to smush each other into the mat).

OH!!! I forgot! So then after we finished learning the basics Mr B had us freestyle, slowly. One of the boys had to leave, so Mr B stepped in. THAT was really fun. Improvising was 100% better than just learning the basics, and I thought the basics were pretty fun. Out of the two "matches" Lena and I had, I won one and she won one. Then I paired with Mr B. Of course he won, but I'd like to think I put up a good fight.

Then I paired with the boy that was left. He had been smarting off the entire class, mainly because Mr B would then be "hard" on him and he'd get to be the smart alek kid brother who everyone teases. So we're barely into our match, and he says "I give up" and does a backwards summersault away from me. Now the way you "officially" give up is you tap the other person. I told him he couldn't just say "I give up", that he had to tap out. I the proceeded to chase him halfway across the gym may, him giggling the whole time. I finally hooked him by the back of his belt, and he immediately dropped into a fetal position. He thought he was pretty smart, and he was laughing the whole time. But he wasn't in a very good position, cause I pulled him apart an pinned him in like a second.

Meanwhile his mom's sitting over in the chairs at the side of the gym just laughing like crazy. After it was through I felt a little bad for chasing him down like that, but that's what he wanted me to do!!

Anyways, class was pretty much over by then, so being silly was ok. It sometimes gets that way. Nothing too crazy, but that kind of silliness is ok.

So tonight I was going with Ben to have dinner at a sushi restaurant for a friend's birthday. I should clarify. Ben has a dual personality. He is Mr B when we're in the school, and Ben all the other times. Since we were going on a date, I am probably going to limit the time I spend in his classes. He is very professional, but I think it would be best. So anyways, we were going out tonight, and I had things to do! I needed a pedicure, and some new shoes and something new to wear. All my stuff is like 2 sizes too big now. I know, I know. Mr B sees me almost every day with no makeup, frodo feet, hair pulled back and all sweaty, but BEN should see something different on a date.

So I went to this place my roommate reccomended for a pedicure. Oh my goodness! It was wonderful!! For like $20 they spent like an hour on my feet. Maybe more. They're really pretty!!! They even used hot stones and all that jazz. I was very impressed!

Then I went and got a new shirt and shoes, BOTH on clearance!! AND I didn't have to buy new jeans because I can fit my "skinny" jeans! Well...my largest pair of skinny jeans, a size 16. But that's down from a size 22 a few months ago!!

So then, I go home and my roommate and her fiancÚ help me get ready. I.e. Picking out earrings, figuring out hair and makeup. Her fiancÚ was actually pretty helpful. Lol well except for when he told me not to wear makeup because guys don't like it. I asked him if he had ever seen my roommate without makeup. He said yes, she didn't have any on right then. Lol we both told him that yes, she was wearing makeup right then. Just subtle makep. He was shocked!! Guys...I swear...

So then sushi was good. Like 25 people showed up at the restaurant, it was a blast. All my girl friends kept asking me questions about Ben with their eyes, you know how girls do? Where we have whole conversations with our eyes? But this time I really wanted them to NOT do that. Ben is the type of person who is very quiet in a group, because he sits back and watches everyone and just enjoys being there. But he also analyzes things, he's really good at reading people and body language. Any other guy and I wouldn't have worried about him picking up on girl semaphore, but him I wasn't so sure. And I wasn't sure how he'd feel about it, so I nixed it. I'm SURE there will be PLENTY of questions tomorrow at Church. Hoping none of those questions are where he can hear them. This was our first time out together, a trial run. So it's still in the feeling it out stage. Girls like to analyze everything about that stage, but guys probably would get freaked out. For girls it's kindof a sport, analyzing everything about their friend's first dates, etc...but I think guys probably would take it as a girl is too serious. So...I'm hoping they'll tone it down a bit.

So then we went dancing, to this dance my Church was having. No idea why we went there but we did, and I'm glad!! Ben said he wasn't a good dancer but he had the basics down really well, and we danced and talked the whole time. It was very nice. :-)

We left at midnight and went home. There wasn't that awkward front door thing. We just hugged and said goodnight. It's NOT unusual in my Churh for a guy to NOT try for a kiss on the first date. Our guys are VERY traditional (he opened my car doors, both when I was getting in and when I was getting out, ushered me onto the dance floor and off of it, opened all doors, let me walk in front of him). So first kisses don't happen on first dates usually. It's a respect thing.

So now I'm home, and wide awake. Despite the bruises (from ground fighting), and the sore feet (from very cute shoes that are also a little higher than I'm used to), I had a perfect day. And I wouldn't have changed a thing.

:-)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANFACEMIRE1 7/18/2010 6:14AM

    emoticon job

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DALLASUK 7/18/2010 5:56AM

    Well, your probably in bed at the moment reliving your perfect day.
Congratulations on breaking that 200lb mark. Its a huge milestone. I went through it a while back. The next is 195. To be below 14stone is HUGE! (It's always a biggie when your weigh starts on a lower stoneage)
Good luck and enjoy your Sunday
emoticon

(By the way it was Don Quijote - the windmill guy)

Comment edited on: 7/18/2010 5:58:09 AM

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I finally hit the windmill!!! (or...a Perfect Day)

Sunday, July 18, 2010

So why was today a perfect day? One of those rare days where everything is right with the world and it feels good just to be breathing?

I'm not sure...I can't explain it. I can only say what happened today.

This morning (actually Saturday morning, as I'm writing this at 3 a.m. on Sunday morning), I slept late and then got up and went and weighed myself. I have officially broken 200!!! I weighed 199 at 10 a.m.!!! I was so excited!!!

I feel like this whole time I've been tilting at windmills thinking they were giants. What's the name of that book? The one with the crazy guy who thinks he's a knight and so he goes and attacks windmills with a javelin because he thinks they're giants? I can't remember...anyways, all this time I've been aiming myself at 200 lbs like it's a giant, but I keep missing, because I freak myself out and shy away from it. But...it's not a giant, it's just a windmill. So...I feel a bit dumb, but more than that I feel relieved.

So THEN I leave and go to my taekwondo gym. I had slept through my normal class, but they were having 2 special seminars today. One on sparring and one on ground fighting. The sparring one was really fun. As a white belt I can't spar yet, won't be able to for at least 6 months, but I could work on the fundamentals. So there were 10 of us in the class and Master Walker had us warm up in a VERY unusual way. She put all 5 of the adults (2 teenagers) in one sparring ring, no gear though. And put the 5 kids in the other. THEN she had us play a game called Monkey in the Middle. It's like tag, only you can't leave a defined space, in this case the square sparring ring. It was actually VERY fun, and a VERY good warm up. AND it taught us things like - don't let yourself get backed into a corner, moving sideways is better than straight back, keep moving all the time, don't stand still, dodge the "monkey's" hand, don't just run because there's no where to go...that sort of thing. Lol I think the adults enjoyed it more than the kids.

Then the people who were high enough belts to spar got into their gear, and the rest of us practiced sparring combinations against each other using a body shield. We practiced moving sideways instead of backwards, which is not as easy as I thought it would be.

It was a good class, but very tiring.

THEN 4 of us stuck around for the ground fighting seminar. It was Lena and I (Lena's this girl I'm getting to be very good friends with from the school) and two boys in their early teens. Mr Booth taught tha class. I should say here that Mr Booth is my friend from Church who introduced me to taekwondo. I usually don't take classes with him though, at first because my schedule wouldn't allow me to, but now...well I'll tell you that part in a second. It's nothing bad, in fact i'm pretty happy about it.

Anyways, ground fighting is SOOOOO much fun!!!! At first it was really awkward. Basically it's where you're wrestling around on the ground with your opponent, trying to straddle them in some way and pin them under you and either immobilize them or tire them out. We were just learning the basics today, but it was fun! Needless to say, at first Lena and I were partnered up. I got to know Lena a lot better than I had planned...what with the straddling and pinning and laying across each other. The first time was really weird. But after we got over the weirdness of being pretty much all over each other, we got really into the learning something new and different thing. It was GREAT!!!

Mr Booth would demonstrate the technique with one of the class members, but he never chose me for the demos. I wondered why, because he chose everyone else a few times (there were only 4 of us). I *think* it was because he wasn't sure how
I'd react, he said later that many women DO NOT like ground fighting, that they feel too vulnerable or they've had a bad experience in their past that ground fighting is too similar too. Lena had done ground fighting before, so I think he already knew she was fine with it. But he wasn't sure how I'd feel about it. That and...well... He and I kindof have been flirting a lot, and I'll tell you more about that in a second.

So I had a BLAST with ground fighting. I didn't really like having to
learn how to fall, that was not fun. At one point I forgot to tuck my head in and i bonked it on the mat. No permanent damage, but I had to lay there for a second to make sure my brain wasn't sloshing around. Why is it that the second you hurt yourself people feel like they need to hold a long drawn out conversation? I don't mind telling them I'll be fine. But if I just hit my head on something (or banged my toe or hit my thumb with a hammer) then I am dealing with the hurting part right then, and I don't really have the brain power to spare to have a discussion to analyze exactly what is happening, and what I'm feeling etc.... This is not just a taekwondo thing, it happens all te time, and to everyone. It's just weird.

Anyways, even that didn't ruin my perfect day. After class Lena took my TKD pants and said she'd hem them for me! They were very dirty from rolling around on the floor. But she didn't care!!! She had noticed I kept stepping on them all the time. She's a good friend (and a better one now that we've bonded while trying to smush each other into the mat).

OH!!! I forgot! So then after we finished learning the basics Mr Booth had us freestyle, slowly. One of the boys had to leave, so Mr Booth stepped in. THAT was really fun. Improvising was 100% better than just learning the basics, and I thought the basics were pretty fun. Out of the two "matches" Lena and I had, I won one and she won one. Then I paired with Mr Booth. Of course he won, but I'd like to think I put up a good fight.

Then I paired with the boy that was left. He had been smarting off the entire class, mainly because Mr Booth would then be "hard" on him and he'd get to be the smart alek kid brother who everyone teases. So we're barely into our match, and he says "I give up" and does a backwards summersault away from me. Now the way you "officially" give up is you tap the other person. I told him he couldn't just say "I give up", that he had to tap out. I the proceeded to chase him halfway across the gym may, him giggling the whole time. I finally hooked him by the back of his belt, and he immediately dropped into a fetal position. He thought he was pretty smart, and he was laughing the whole time. But he wasn't
in a very good position, cause I pulled him apart an pinned him in like a second.

Meanwhile his mom's sitting over in the chairs at the side of the gym just laughing like crazy. After it was through I felt a little bad for chasing him down like that, but that's what he wanted me to do!!

Anyways, class was pretty much over by then, so being silly was ok. It sometimes gets that way. Nothing too crazy, but that kind of silliness is ok.

So tonight I was going with Ben to have dinner at a sushi restaurant for a friend's birthday. I should clarify. Ben has a dual personality. He is Mr B when we're in the school, and Ben all the other times. Since we were going on a date, I am probably going to limit the time I spend in his classes. He is very professional, but I think it would be best. So anyways, we were going out tonight, and I had things to do! I needed a pedicure, and some new shoes and something new to wear. All my stuff is like 2 sizes too big now. I know, I know. Mr Booth sees me almost every day with no makeup, frodo feet, hair pulled back and all sweaty, but BEN should see something different on a date.

So I went to this place my roommate reccomended for a pedicure. Oh my goodness! It was wonderful!! For like $20 they spent like an hour on my feet. Maybe more. They're really pretty!!! They even used hot stones and all that jazz. I was very impressed!

Then I went and got a new shirt and shoes, BOTH on clearance!! AND I didn't have to buy new jeans because I can fit my "skinny" jeans! Well...my largest pair of skinny jeans, a size 16. But that's down from a size 22 a few months ago!!

So then, I go home and my roommate and her fiancÚ help me get ready. I.e. Picking out earrings, figuring out hair and makeup. Her fiancÚ was actually pretty helpful. Lol well
except for when he told me not to wear makeup because guys don't like it. I asked him if he had ever seen my roommate without makeup. He said yes, she didn't have any on right then. Lol we both told him tha yes, she was wearing makeup right then. Just subtle makep. He was shocked!! Guys...I swear...

So then sushi was good. Like 25 people showed up at the restaurant, it was a blast. All my girl friends kept asking me questions about Ben with their eyes, you know how girls do? Where we have whole conversations with our eyes? But this time I really wanted them to NOT do that. Ben is the type of person who is very quiet in a group, because he sits back and watches everyone and just enjoys being there. But he also analyzes things, he's really good at reading people and body language. Any other guy and I wouldn't have worried about him picking up on girl semaphore, but him I wasn't so sure. And I wasn't sure how he'd feel about it, so I nixed it. I'm SURE there will be PLENTY of questions tomorrow at Church. Hoping none of those questions are where he can hear them. This was our first time out together, a trial run. So it's still in the feeling it out stage. Girls like to analyze everything about that stage, but guys probably would get freaked out. For girls it's kindof a sport, analyzing everything about their friend's first dates, etc...but I think guys probably would take it as a girl is too serious. So...I'm hoping they'll tone it down a bit.

So then we went dancing, to this dance my Church was having. No idea why we went there but we did, and I'm glad!! Ben said he wasn't a good dancer but he had the basics down really well, and we danced and talked the whole time. It was very nice. :-)

We left at midnight and went home. There wasn't that awkward front door thing. We just hugged and said goodnight. It's NOT unusual in my Churh for a guy to NOT try for a kiss on the first date. Our guys are VERY traditional (he opened my car doors, both when I was getting in and when I was getting out, ushered me onto the dance floor and off of it, opened all doors, let me walk in front of him). So first kisses don't happen on first dates usually. It's a respect thing.

So now I'm home, and wide awake. Despite the bruises (from ground fighting), and the sore feet (from very cute shoes that are also a little higher than I'm used to), I had a perfect day. And I wouldn't have changed a thing.

:-)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WENCHMAID 7/18/2010 5:47AM

    Don Quixote is the book. ;-)

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Up and down...and apparently a therapy session...

Thursday, July 08, 2010

So last week I got down to 205.5, and then our official "cheat day" came along. I think the 205.5 kindof freaked me out, because I ate more than I should have on our cheat day. Curly fries anyone?

Ugh...

So if anyone wants a testimony about how quickly you can gain weight on this diet if you cheat, you only have to look at my weight loss tracker. I went from 205.5 to 213.5 in 24 hours!!!

Now, I know that some of that is salt. I don't eat very much salt when I'm on protocol, but I'm guessing there was a ton of it in the french fries, chicken tenders and diet coke I drank. And then we had sushi that night (who knew I would like sushi?? But not the raw stuff. I like the stuff that's cooked, and then in a roll. It's good!). And then ice cream...

So yeah... Cheating = gaining weight REALLY fast.

BUT I've lost it again, as of today. So between Sunday and today I've gone from 213.5 to 204.5 (one lb lighter than I was before I cheated).

I'm also working to adjust my mental stuff. I have this thing about weighing under 200 lbs. I don't EVER remember weighing that little. EVER. So it kindof freaks me out, not sure why. Maybe the "unknown?".

I know in the past I've associated being under 200 with being "normal" and I don't feel normal. I feel...kindof defective, you know? So not being "normal" is...well...normal for me. Because I'm broken or something...

Anyways, I did the math and even when I'm below 200 lbs I'll still be considered Obese. That's not normal, so I don't have to freak out because nothing is changing. My status as an obese person is still the same. In fact, to get down to even just "Overweight" I have to weigh less than 168.7 lbs.

So the 200 number doesn't make sense, because the "real" number is 168.7.

I know, I know...all of this is nuts. In my head I know I'm not defective or broken, but my heart doesn't seem to want to listen. My heart insists that I'm defective, and I don't deserve to be thin and healthy etc... that I won't be able to handle life as a "normal" person. That being normal=dating, right? And that kindof freaks me out too. I have no idea how to deal with that. No real experience.

Don't get me wrong, there have been boys before. Heck I was even sortof engaged at one point. But...those were not normal, healthy relationships. I know now that I was desparate for any kind of acceptance, so I accepted people and behavior that I should never have been ok with. I was the one who did most of the "courting" or whatever, I was the only one to compromise, and I compromised a LOT.

Lol, I can laugh about it now, but the "engagement" was to some guy I met online. We talked online and on the phone for months and months, but never ACTUALLY met!!! But we were planning a life and trying to figure out if I should immigrate to Canada or if he should move to Texas!! At the time, I felt like that was normal. That it was normal to spend hours every day playing an online video game with a "fiance" I had never met in person, and planning on MOVING TO ANOTHER COUNTRY for him!!

I was NOT in a good mental place. And I think he was kindof a predator. He was NOT who he made himself out to be (surprise surprise, right??), and I ended up getting hurt VERY badly. I am very very grateful to Heavenly Father that that man was NOT in Texas, and that I NEVER met him, because it would have been SO MUCH worse. I don't know if he would have been physically abusive, but he was DEFINATELY mentally abusing me. And I took it, because I thought I had to. I thought I had to take anything he wanted to dish out, and re-make myself into whoever he wanted me to be, because I didn't DESERVE to be loved, and he was doing me a FAVOR by loving me. Well, whatever it was he was doing. I don't think it was love. Not sure he really and truly knows what that is. Figured out too late that he was REALLY broken inside. Abused and neglected as a child, etc... Not that people who are abused and neglected as children are all broken. But he was, and he didn't care!! He didn't see anything wrong with treating EVERYONE like crap, and abusing people right back. He didn't see any need to change, or that there was anything that might be wrong.

So what happens if I am at a normal weight? What happens when guys who are...well the word I want to use here is "worthy" so I'm going for it. What happens when guys who are worthy of being dated are interested in me?

*whispers* what happens when they find out I'm broken?

I think a part of me feels like it's better to be fat, and to keep all the "worthy" guys at a distance because they're not attracted to me. To be rejected because of my outward appearance, rather than risk being completely rejected when they realize that I'm defective inside. Because then I can blame their rejection on them, that they're not "evolved" enough or whatever to not care that I'm fat. But if they reject me because of WHO I AM, then I guess I feel like there's no one to blame but myself. I think that's why I keep sabotaging myself, over and over.

Like I said, in my head I know I'm not defective. That nothing in my past has happened to damage me emotionally, or physically. That I should be loved, and I should love someone who loves me as much (or more!!) than I love him. In my head I know that I am capable of great things, that I'm smart, clever, funny, caring, hard working, etc etc... Lol but in my heart it FEELS completely wrong to "say" those things outloud. Lol, I NEVER say those things out loud. It feels like bragging at the best, and outright lying at the worst.

I think I am afraid I'll prove my head right. That I'll prove that I am all those amazing things, and that I deserve an amazing life. I think I'm also afraid I'll prove my heart right, that I am defective and I will never amount to anything, never accomplish anything.

How do I fix it so my heart and my head agree? LOL, and agree that I AM normal, etc... Cause in the past they agreed that I was defective. And it's not an option to go back to feeling that way, thinking that way. That just leads to death, you know?

I don't know what to do...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SMLINGRL 7/9/2010 4:56PM

    Thank you all so much for your comments!! Lol, I didn't think anyone would get all the way through that novel!

It really helps to know that I'm not alone in this, and that other people have felt what I feel, and that other people are on the same journey I am.

Cheat days are NO good! I'm going to really work to keep from doing that to myself anymore.

Yes, I'm on the HCG Protocol. But I'm NOT a good example of someone on it. I yoyo a lot, because of cheating. But I've decided to stay on it and keep going, keep my head down and eventually I'll get there.

I'm going to check out those books, they look really interesting. And I'm going to just have to keep going, and tell myself I DO deserve this, etc... It's just hard sometimes.

Thank you all so much for being there with me, it means a lot, and it helps!

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JO-ANIMATION 7/9/2010 2:26PM

    HI! I caught your blog because 2 of my buddies, Jibbie and Betty posted here and I read your spark page too. I would have emailed you, but didn't see a place for that, but I'm new at spark anyway...lol. I would reccommend a couple of books to you as well, although more on self image. There are soooo many people that feel the same as you, and i really believe it has a lot to do with our society. I'm a graphic artist...I have "doctored" millions of models pictures, if people would only realize that just about everyone is not "picture perfect, this world would be a much better place. Well, I don't do that kind of work anymore! Even very thin people (the people we think are thin) think they are FAT! It really is a terrible state of affairs. But while we are "GETTING HEALTHY" (we shouldn't look at it any other way, otherwise WE WILL have those cheat days!!) we should treat ourselves for doing a good job. I would be interested in the book Jibbie is referring too, thinking like a thin person, sounds like an interesting read. But we need to know that we are ALL SPECIAL and RAISE YOUR HEAD HIGH and KNOW THAT YOU ARE DOING THIS and be PROUD of YOU for that!!! This is not an easy feat...I was thin most of my life, I ate WHATEVER I wanted and never gained a ounce, and then I got sick...and my demise was thinking i could eat WHATEVER i wanted. OH NO!!! not anymore. I am 5'8" and went from 130 to 200lbs. I am down to 180, but have been fighting for over 4 years...scale doesn't budge! But you can't give your self confidence up!!I just started the HCG and after 14 days the scale just moved 1 pound! So we are all in this together!! And we all NEED TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT OURSELVES...no matter how small a loss, as long as we stick together...come blog with me. I started a motivational thread. Maybe it will help us both! joanne

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JIBBIE49 7/9/2010 9:32AM

    emoticonCHEAT DAYS are a total waste!!! One gallon of water is 8.34# so it is really easy to regain on the scale.

That said, I'm glad you are back on track! emoticon

You certainly would help yourself to read two books:

"The BECK Diet Solution" by Dr. Beck (got a copy at the library) as she teaches how to THINK like a THIN person.

and "SHRINK YOURSELF" by Roger Gould, M.D. who has helped obese patients for twenty years, to deal with stress. Not being below 200# is part of your "protection" so he addresses that and WHY. Both of them have web sites, and we have SparkTeams here for support.

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BETTYBOW 7/9/2010 1:04AM

    Wow, that was an amazing and..raw blog. Thanks for that. I feel the same way sometimes. I use my weight as a shield for going out and doing things, meeting new people..especially guys. Seems like I choose guys I know won't reject me.
Anyways, are you doing the hcg protocol?
Take care.

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PERSISTENTTIM 7/8/2010 7:19PM

    This blog really touched me. What you said about being "defective" and staying overweight to keep yourself from being rejected hit home. I know in my heart I have not put more effort into my health for fear that I will fail as a normal size person, in both my professional and personal life. Like you I have to tell myself I am going to be fine and that I can have the life I want. Good luck to you and take care of yourself!

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Ultimate Frizbee Rocks!! That is all...

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Ok maybe not ALL!

Last night a bunch of people from my Church got together and played Ultimate Frizbee. I have never played before. It was SOOO much fun!!

We had these little glow sticks you wear around your wrist, and then the frizbee itself was light up. So we played in the dark on a soccer field. One team has blue and purple glow sticks, and one team has orange and yellow.

Basically, it's kindof like football only with a frizbee. Your goal is to get it in between the goal posts (glow sticks sticking up out of the ground on either end of the field) at the other end of the field. You "Kick off" by throwing the frizbee down the field, and then the other team has possession first. If you have the frizbee, you can't run or take more than 2 steps. So once the frizbee has been "kicked" down the field, someone on the other team picks it up and throws it to their teammate further down the field. If the frizbee is dropped by their teammate, then possesion of the frizbee changes to the opposing team. There's no tackling or anything, but you can block the frizbee and you can stand in front of someone trying to throw it and block them. You have to stand an arms length away though.

So yeah, there's a lot of running up and down and up and down and up and down the field. It was SOOO much fun!!!!!

Last night was supposed to be my night off, to get some rest before TKD the rest of this week, and also to get some laundry done etc... instead we played ultimate until 10:30. Totally worth it. They play every Tuesday night, so I am going to start going all the time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT good. I'm not terrible either (there were only 4 girls there, and a couple of them weren't really good at all, but they had fun anyways). But when you're on a team with a bunch of very competitive guys you don't get the frizbee thrown to you very often. But when it was thrown to me I caught it most of the time. Not all of the time, but most of the time. And no one was upset if someone didn't catch it. It's not THAT competitive, just a little competitive.

Funny thing? I'm apparently competitive too!! I know guys don't like girls who compete or whatever it is they say, but I just can't be that girl who isn't really into whatever it is she's doing. Frankly, I don't want a guy who is only attracted to girls who let him win. If that means I won't get a boyfriend anytime soon I guess I'll just have to have fun in the mean time by doing my best to win!!!

Wow...that went off on a tangent didn't it??

  


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