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SMILINIRISHEYES's Recent Blog Entries
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Thursday, September 06, 2007
No, not the kind that's good for the backside...
For the first time in a while, I saw my counselor last night. I can say she's always been a little intuitive where I'm concerned, but confidentiality won't let her tell me if she possesses this same ability with others. (I hesitate to call myself a patient... seems scary that way).
Oh, before you keep going, please don't worry about me. I know some of you will anyway, but I am going to make it through this. I've never been in this particular part of town, but I will survive.
"Lily," she says. "My put-on-a-happy-face, everything-is-fine-on-the-outside-but-noth
ing-is-right-on-the-inside girl." It's like she could see my depression on the outside, like it was the shirt I wore. I balk at labels. I always have. But when she labeled me depressed, I cried. I know she's right. Everything is a mess. Which way is up?
Work sucks. I hate working 60+ hours a week. I hate not seeing friends and family, I hate not having time for me. But I do love the paychecks.
At the same time, every single person in my family is on one of my nerves. I don't want to be anywhere near most of them most of the time. I want to be by myself. I mostly want to sleep. Naturally when I act on this, I end up feeling sorry for myself because it's not like I'm cancelling plans to stay in. And no one seems to be worried about where I am. At least if they are, they aren't calling.
My mind and my body are completely upside down right now. That's the way she described it. My body is trying to find healthy again, hence the vegetarianism. I guess I haven't been getting enough fruits and veggies.
Life is just not where I expected it to be when I turned 30.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
I'm having some psychological issues. I'll spare you the details, but I will say that these issues are turning me away from the meat department. I've had this happen once or twice in the past and it makes it difficult to shop for dinner when your brain slips into some weird place like mine does.
So I with the exception of about an ounce of chicken on a frozen pizza the other day, and a little seafood Tuesday night, I haven't eaten any meat in the last 4 days. No chicken, no steak or beef products, no pork.
Funny... Saturday I had every intention of bringing home steak to grill for dinner. Now I can't even look at the stuff. I guess I can't complain though. I lost almost 2 pounds this week. Maybe this psychological thing is my body's way of telling me something.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
It's funny how you can really delude yourself into believing almost anything. My personal favorite is that I'm not really as big as my weight would indicate. Um... today the mirror gave me a harsh reality check.
It still surprises me that I have these days where I feel really light and really small despite my weight, despite my size. But on the opposite end of that spectrum are the days where I feel as big as a house.
I get nervous when I wear skirts. You've seen one blooper show, you've seen them all. The last thing I need is to walk out of the ladies room with my skirt tucked into my underwear. It's become habit that I check several times before I leave the room to be SURE my skirt is in place (OCD anyone? How many times do you really need to check if nothing changes?) Today, I actually managed to twist far enough to see the sad reality that I have been lying to myself yet again. In profile, my backside is shaping up nicely compared to what it once was. It's this profile image that furthers the deception. Sadly, the full view is not as small as Lily once led herself to believe. This is terrible. I don't even want to SIT DOWN anymore!
To the gym after work, and to yoga after the gym. That mirror cannot win.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Want to know why???
Cause I use regular table sugar.
Yes, I heard the collective gasp.
Here's the way I see it. First of all, I like things waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too sweet anyway. It takes a ton of whatever I'm using (sugar or equal... never the pink stuff or splenda) to make coffee or tea palatable to me. I don't use Splenda, partially because I don't like it. I don't use Sweet & Low because I've been a label reader for a long time and I never liked the label: "This product has been shown to cause cancer in lab rats." I typically avoid products that are tested on animals, and who knows what could happen in humans if it causes cancer in rats??
So I've decided that I'm using regular sugar. It's all natural, it's not tested on anything, and sure, it's famous for causing health problems in humans, but only when we eat pounds and pounds of it. If I'm only using a little here and there in my morning tea (green, thank you) I don't think it can hurt. It's definitely better than filling my good for me green tea with a bunch of chemicals.
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