Friday, November 18, 2011
Good afternoon and TGIF Sparkpeople!
Today has been an awesome day so far! Last night when I did my weigh in it wasn't the same time of the day that I normally do it. Weighed myself before going to bed...waited a few hours after eating dinner before checking. Normally I weigh myself in the morning after brekkie and a workout though. Surprise surprise, I gained weight last night, lost it all plus some this morning. It is craaazzyy how much the scale changes in a day! I am feeling awesome today though. I can see my weight trending down already and it's only been just over a week.
Scale victory aside, I've noticed that evening snack time is becoming less of a war with the cupboards. My body is already adjusting to eating less! And the "less" that I'm eating is substantial. My 'average' daily diet before vs. after has decreased by probably at least 500 calories a day. I'm sticking within all of my nutrition intake ranges and I am feeling satisfied with my diet. And I avoided snacks while watching Food Network's "Best Thing I Ever Ate". Patting myself on the back a bit, I must admit.
What I am finding tough is finding balance. I find it nearly impossible to get enough calcium, fiber, fruit and veggie servings and protein without going over in carbs, sodium, calories and fat. Of course the thing that is being sacrificed is fiber and and calcium. But how do you do it on so few calories?? Any advice?
On another note, today is picture challenge Day 7 - your most treasured item. When I thought about this one, It didn't take me long to think of the answer...
Henderson. I know, I know. How weird is that...but...this little walrus is sort of a good luck charm. He's comforting to have around, makes many people happy. My husband and I got him from a machine when we were first dating and he kind of stuck with us. This pic is from a roadtrip Paul and I took around O'ahu in Hawaii. As much as an adult woman can love a little stuffed animal, I love Henderson.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
First things first, a confession. For breakfast I ate two cookies (NOT low fat low cal low anything cookies) and a tiny tiny slice of pie. Could've had fruit and yogurt, could've had oatmeal, could've had anyyy of the nice foods I bought at the store yesterday! But I didn't...and then worked out afterwards and felt badly about myself and hungry.
Now that the confession is out of the way, it's definitely worth noting the crazy, up and down, withdrawl like behaviour I've been having in the past 24 hours! My relationship with food is more than love/hate...its neeed it NOWW/despise it never wanna eat again. I wanted 3 bowls of the healthy tofu stir fry with brown rice for dinner. I wanted every snack food around. I literally felt hungry after every single meal I ate yesterday! Unsatisfied. To the point of crying. Saying I want to quit. Lying to Paul (and myself) saying that this whole thing doesn't matter. And then 5 minutes later I'm laughing and watching Dancing with the Stars. WHAT gives??
Yesterday I said to Paul, "I really don't remember this being this hard back in January!" (which was my first attempt at weight loss). His eyes got wide, he didn't say anything for a minute or so. And then he told me that he could remember everything about one night back in the winter when I had a breakdown about salt and vinegar chips. He said to me, "Remember how much you cried? And how I held you all evening? And how you said ALL you needed were those chips to be happy?". Huh...yeah...I guess that did happen.
Food withdrawl. Hunger, both emotional and physical. Fear of failure. Deprivation. These are all very real and very very extremely difficult battles I (and many others) are facing right in this moment. As I write this I want a second Amy's burrito for lunch...but I won't have it.
Energy. Happiness. Restful sleep. Warm muscles. Better blood pressure, blood sugar and cholesterol. Stronger mind. Satisfaction in knowing that your willpower is tougher than your need to eat junk and be lazy. Learning and practicing the habits that I will one day want to teach my children. These are all benefits that I had a taste of this past winter that FAR outweighed any one night with a bag of chips.
As I go through "food withdrawl" I will no doubt hear that voice longing for anything I want...and it will tell me that I NEED it. You know what I need to change that voice into? The voices of my future children who will learn that food is not the thing that makes them happy.
On another note, today is picture challenge Day 6 - A person you'd love to trade places with for a day...
Rachael Ray! Now there is a woman who loves food, exercises, and gets what she wants through lots of hard work. I would love to trade places with her for a day!
Monday, November 14, 2011
Good Morning Sparkpeople!
I woke up this morning feeling heavy. Heavy in weight (didn't have a great weekend food-wise), heavy in mind. Lately I have been going through a lot personally that has been weighing that mind down. I am trained as a Registered Nurse and spent three years working in the field. In the past year though, I haven't worked as a nurse, or at any formal job. As sad as it is for me to admit, health care burned me out. I loved it until I couldn't anymore and had to get out. I poured all the strength I had into my job. I've spent the past year struggling with creating a new identity for myself and trying to find that "thing" that I could tell people I do instead of saying "I'm a nurse".
Last night I had an unexpected talk, cry, vent with my husband about this topic. It's something that we've talked about a lot in the past before, but last night I felt for the first time in a year I was able to say what I felt on the inside that I haven't been able to express. Instead of working in the past year at a job, I have been working on myself. I have "gone to work" everyday looking for answers. What is my identity? What makes my life meaningful? What is my passion? Is there anything I could possibly think of doing that would have me excited to wake up happy more than I wake up tired? And most importantly, what could I do that would allow me to be proud of myself?
Not having that "thing" to identify with has been a major struggle. I sometimes still tell people that I'm a nurse, because it's easy to say. Sometimes I wish I could just "give in" and find a nursing job. I wish there wasn't shame (brought on by my personal beliefs) in admitting that I don't work. Last night though I decided with the help of my husband that this is the time that I am fortunate enough to have to repair myself. I've been working at putting the pieces back together that have been slowly breaking over the years. I've been finding out what get's me excited and happy in a way that isn't filtered by what I should be expected to enjoy. Recently I have been looking at Counselling as a profession. Had I not been able to take this year of discovery, I can guarantee I wouldn't have ever thought of this as something I could love. But I think it is.
I'm afraid, sparkpeople. Just like many of us are afraid of whether or not we are strong enough to lose weight, eat right, exercise (and that definitely includes me) I am afraid of failure in this too. And fear is one of those four letter words we all like to avoid. By writing all of this down, though, I am hoping beyond hope that I can finally start to put the work I've done this past year toward making myself happy again. I don't want fear to be my barrier anymore and now is my time to start breaking down that wall.
On another note, today is Day 5 of the picture challenge: your favorite animal. So here it is...
A dog! Dogs are amazing animals. All of us need a little extra love and comfort from a friend every now and then.
Wednesday, November 09, 2011
Yesterday after I came back onto Spark and started exercising and tracking my intake again, my love, Paul, was so proud of me! He has always been so healthy and was raised to love exercise and healthy food. I definitely wasn't. When it comes to exercise and healthy meals he has SO MUCH excitement and energy. If I ever wanted somebody to go to the gym with me ever, 5 am, 9 pm, middle of the night, he would do it. One, because he is so supportive of anything I do. Two, because he just loves exercise.
This kind of energy around me all the time is amazing. It also sometimes makes me almost feel like I don't have enough energy to keep up. Paul wants me to be happy and he wants to help and right now he keeps telling me that he will push me if he feels it's what I need and he'll just be there when it's what I need.
Often, since I maaayyy be known to be a bit strong willed, I make decisions (such as, I want cupcakes for dinner and no exercising!) that he doesn't think are reflecting my actual desires. Ahem...I will begrudgingly announce, that he is always right about this. Do I tell him, "you're right, I don't want cupcakes"? Uh...no. His attempts at positive reinforcement, coming from the best possible place, said in the nicest possible way, from the person I trust more than almost anyone...nope, cupcakes seem more important!
Point is, we are working together on finding ways that we can inspire each other to be the best we can be. He said something to me this morning that is the perfect example of him helping me to succeed. Quickly as he was leaving the house for school this morning, he said to me "Remember when you used to have SO MUCH ENERGY that you used to wake up before me, exercise and have a healthy breakfast before I was even awake? And you were so happy about it? I could barely keep up with you!".
He was saying it just to reminisce about how I was at the height of my health kick, but it really really got me thinking. I WAS so happy. I DID love waking up early. I DID love exercise. I made AWESOME healthy breakfasts! Now? I love sleeping...can't seem to get enough of it sometimes. It takes a big burst of excitement to encourage me to exercise. I would love to eat fruit loops for breakfast instead of egg whites and real (not loop form) fruit.
He wasn't trying to inspire me. He was actually just showing how excited he was for me. Him saying those words though reminded me about an important fact. My goal on paper is weight loss and inch loss. BUT the thing that is going to make this whole thing worth it is the fringe benefits. The happiness. The energy. The effect my mood has on others. Those are the things that reminded me that what I am doing is right and got me off the couch to exercise this morning. Turns out, I've lost a pound already. Water weight? Maybe. But am I happy about it? YES!
On another note, today is picture challenge Day 4 - the cast of your favorite TV show. I've had many favorite TV shows in the past, but currently it is...
I thought today's challenge was quite fitting with my thoughts of the day...spooky actually.
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Okay Sparkpeople...time to confess. I was a health nut (keyword was) for a period of 5 months this past winter and gave up. I successfully lost 20 pounds over a period of about 3 months and was strong. Then I had an indulgent and lazy summer and gained all the weight (plus a pound or two) back.
HOW does a person gain 22 pounds in 5 months, you ask? By putting every drop of stress into one thing (food tracking and exercising) for months and months...as a crutch for happiness...then stopping when times get better!
My husband (who I married this past summer!) is in second year of med school and this past winter we moved to an unfamiliar town far away from our friends and family so he could be at this school. I am SO SO happy for him and proud of all he is doing, but it must be said that the move was extremely tough for me. To fight off loneliness and sad feelings, at first I ate. Then I turned to exercise and sparkpeople. Which was AMAZING. Before my habits really really changed though we had the opportunity to have a summer off with just the two of us. Traveling, eating, seeing family, eating, getting married, eating...you get the pattern. I was nourishing my soul in a way that was so far from health. It seems I am having a difficult time to find that middle!
Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling so tired. Tired of my life feeling like I failed myself. Tired of sitting on the couch and feeling lazy, tired of eating bad foods and feeling guilty afterward. It inspired me to hop out of bed and jump on Wii fit. I danced and danced and danced on Wii Just Dance 2 and it felt AWESOME. I also did my Wii Fit Body Test...which admittedly was super depressing. But the point is, I did it. I also ate a healthy breakfast, tracked every calorie of it, and am currently on my way out the door for a nice walk. It has been SO long since I've just gone for a walk!
I'm ready for this. I'm going to need a lot of inspiration. That's why I've chosen to continue my photo challenge.
Today is Day 3 - your inspiration for weight loss". When I thought about what photo I could use for this day, I immediately thought of this:
This is me as a little girl. I was happy, energetic and willing to try anything. I wasn't afraid of people seeing my tummy or my round face. I didn't limit my running and playing because I was worried people were going to laugh if I was out of shape. I just did it. It's time to do it again, little Sam!
With love, excitement, and the hope for inspiration,
ps. As a reminder, here are the challenge days I have left:
Day 4 - the cast of your favorite TV show
Day 5 - your favorite animal
Day 6 - a person you'd love to trade places with for a day
Day 7 - your most treasured item
Day 8 - your favorite memory
Day 9 - something that motivates you to do more
Day 10 - your closest friend
Day 11 - your iPod or other music playing device on shuffle (then list the first 10 songs that play)
Day 12 - a picture that defines you
Day 13 - your favorite band or artist
Day 14 - something you could never imagine your life without
Day 15 - something you want to do before you die
Day 16 - someone who inspires you
Day 17 - something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
Day 18 - your biggest insecurity, and the reason why it is the biggest
Day 19 - you when you were little
Day 20 - somewhere you'd love to travel
Day 21 - your day
Day 22 - something you wish you were better at
Day 23 - your favorite book (why is it your favorite?)
Day 24 - what can be found in your bag
Day 25 - your favorite super hero and why
Day 26 - something that means a lot to you
Day 27 - yourself and a family member
Day 28 - something you're afraid of
Day 29 - a picture that can always make you smile
Day 30 - you last year and now (how have you changed since then?)
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