I have been struggling lately. I was doing really well and in the last two months I had two friendships end and I let myself go because I was depressed. I gained three pounds. I know most people do not think that that is much, but it is because it can quickly turn into 20 pounds. Today I have resolved to get back on track and I have even recruited an accountability buddy. Because of all the binging I have done in the past two weeks, I am starving now because my body got used to having extreme quantities of food. Now I must work toward getting back to healthy eating. It will be hard, but it will be worth it. I must plan out my meals and make a real effort to exercise. I have not exercised much this past month - maybe ten times. Whatever has happened to me in the past two months, I have to let go and move forward or I will find myself back to the way I used to be and will once again be grossly overweight. I just need a little help from my friends.
I must admit that I am rather disappointed with myself. For the last three months I was on an eating frenzy and not paying attention to how many calories I was consuming. I exercised, but not everyday. And, when I did exercise, I did not put any real effort into it and only did part of my exercises. I even gave up on strength training. Guess what happened! I gained 10 pounds and I am not happy about it. The last time I gained 10 pounds it was hardly noticeable since I was exercising diligently while consuming mass amounts of calories. This time.... well, my clothes do not fit quite so well. My pants are snug and I now have a Dunlap tire! (My belly done lapped over my waist band!) So, I have begun a new regimen. I am consuming about 1550 calories a day (except for yesterday when I binged) and I am exercising diligently. It is hard. My muscles are aching, but this lets me know how out of shape I have gotten. My tummy begs for food. After constant eating all day, my tummy thinks it needs a supply of food every hour. It sends me these "feed me" (think Little Shop of Horrors "feed me Seymour") signals that I have to ignore. It is very difficult to do. I am concentrating on three meals a day plus a snack. I hope that I am successful with my new plan.
I brought this weight gain on myself. I have nothing and no one to blame it on. It was just me not caring about what I was doing to myself. I was into instant gratification mode. Now I must pay the consequences of my lethargy and do something about this weight gain. I even have a personal trainer to help me. I weigh in again at the end of the month. Lets see how much weight I lose between now and then.
Well I am a little skeptical about posting. You never know what you will get. Anyways, I am currently not pleased with myself. I began this journey with the hopes of losing weight and getting into shape. The weight loss thing is not going as planned. Last year I lost about 50 pounds. I look better, I feel better. Then the weight loss stopped. This year I set out to lose another 50 pounds. Guess what? I still weigh the same! I did go see my personal trainer today and she has me down three pounds, but I wonder if that was because I had only been up for about an hour and did not eat or drink anything.
The point is that I am getting discouraged. I really want to lose weight, but the scale has not moved in nine months! I exercise regularly and watch what I eat. I do not know what the problem is, but I sure wish it would work itself out so that I can get back to losing. Today I added a new exercise to my routine. I am going to start using the rowing machine at the gym. I hope that will help.
On the bright side.... I am pleased that I have not gained any weight. I have gotten fitter. I still have a BMI of 33 (which categorizes me as obese) and a body fate percentage of 48.... but I don't look obese. Just kind of fat. I am also in good health. I will not give up on my goal, but I do need a little help getting there.
I am not hungry, yet I have a hunger. The emptiness inside me consumes me. I long to fill this emptiness. I over eat because I am trying to satisfy this hunger. It is not food for which I am hungry for. I hunger to fill the emptiness, the loneliness.