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Looking anyway & beyond blue

Sunday, December 20, 2009

I went shopping for new clothes. emoticon
I have gained even more fat. emoticon
I did not cry. emoticon
I looked in the mirror and I really hated my body. emoticon
I have been working out 6 days a week this month.
I have been tracking my calories.
I ate muesli & low fat yogurt every day.
I switched to low fat milk.
Is it possible to gain fat so easily?
I wonder if my body just stacks fat on at the mere hint of weight loss?
Or it somehow knows it is summer and summer = cold swims in the ocean = turn into a seal with protective layer of blubber?

I got new bras, I have gone up a size. emoticon
I feel enormous and unacceptable.
I did have a big cry this morning. emoticon
Feel like I put so much effort in but my best is not good enough. emoticon
I am about to go "home" interstate with my family for Christmas.
I want so much to look beautiful and slim.
I missed my weigh & measurement this morning.

The cure for self loathing might be gratitude, so here goes:

I have finished my Christmas shopping. emoticon
My family is healthy. emoticon
My body is healthy, I have great vision, hearing, arms, legs, everything works fine, I am blessed with clear skin and shiny eyes. emoticon
I am making mostly healthy choices. emoticon

Seals are amazing animals, but I would prefer to look like a mermaid.
I am going to the gym now, & will post measurements and goals next blog...Thanks for reading my attempt to self-coach. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ETHEL_MERMAID 12/23/2009 9:25PM

    I've found that it takes a while to adjust to healthy eating and exercise. It's not something that comes naturally to me at all. I like your self-coaching, although I think you were too harsh on yourself. Remember that we're not doing a diet/exercise program, but rather implementing real lifestyle changes...and from my experience?!!

Here's to a great year ahead as we march into the millennium's second decade... emoticon

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LOOSEIT57 12/21/2009 1:48AM

    You are eating enough calories for the exercise you are doing ?

I have the same hassles and hadn't bought clothes for ages but I have had to give in and get them in a bigger size as I just had nothing to wear.

I do hope you get there and dent be so hard on yourself as if you feel down and self loathing you will gain.

Take car thinking of you.


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XHASTEDMOMOF2 12/20/2009 11:04PM

    I totally get your self-loathing because I go thru it quite frequently. The weight seemed to pile on so much faster than my working out and eating right is getting rid of it!! But I'm getting there slowly but surely ..... as will you as you seem to have figured it out as well!!! Best of luck getting to goal!!! It won't be on our mind's timeframe but we'll get there when our bodies are good and ready!!


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The woman watching me today

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

I promised myself a reward for doing 7 days of my goal to exercise 30 mins every day. emoticon
I often make promises to myself and then entirely forget to reward my self.

So there I was passing by a hairdressers today on my way to squeeze in half hour Christmas shopping whilst 5 yr old was attending circus training.
I haven't cut or styled hair in over 6 months and thought, no harm in asking if I could fit in, thinking, no chance...but yes, they could and yes I did!
As I sat in front of mirror I laugh a lot. I kind of do this thing so I don't actually have to look at myself.
Hmm, I think I am so ugly and my face is so fat and my body is so fat. There are so many gorgeous girls getting cool haircuts here too. emoticon

But wait! I got measured and weighed yesterday at the gym and I know for sure I have lost a few cm's pretty much all over except my arms and even my fat % has diminished. emoticon
I laugh a lot to hide my embarrassment at being fat. But at heart I am a serious person, at least, not this squirmy laughing, I -apologise- for-taking-up-too-much- space or as if you won't look past the smile to see the fat girl underneath and you will accept me, love me for the spirit I am. You will see that I am just as arty and slim as you, maybe you will even want to hang around with me. emoticon

The entire time I am there I chat on- all bubbly, happy personality - but another me is watching and she is as cool as a cucumber, saying "pull it in sister! You don't need to try so hard, you do not even know this woman!" emoticon

So I got a glimpse of her in the mirror watching this cartoon me avoiding herself in the mirror.
This is a woman I really like, adore in fact.
She is strong, powerful, physically attractive, serious, intuitive, natural and not hiding her talents, skills and experience under the label of "mother" . Mother is one important role she plays and there are so many more.

I want to get to know her again. Spend some time with her and her messy art world.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FRACTALMYTH 12/10/2009 1:04AM

    :D I think I'd like both 'you's but YAY for releasing the woman in the mirror - I have one of them too... and then there's the skinny woman who lives in my muscles underneath all the fat. I can feel her, but I can't see her yet...

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ETHEL_MERMAID 12/9/2009 11:32PM

    I love these new waves of self-acceptance that are washing over you! And I'll bet your hair looks adorable; you're so cute! It's a shame that we've been taught that no matter what talents we have, they're all somehow eclipsed by some extra pounds, isn't it? I think that's a downright lie! And you are a multifaceted, warm, energetic artist and mom with a lot to give...and who is generous in the giving! Keep up the wonderful work...and keep those rewards a-comin'! - Susan

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MDICROCE 12/9/2009 9:16PM

  It is such fun to see the people we are becoming! It sounds like you deserved the new 'do and I'm so glad they were able to fit you in. Enjoy the new you! (The old you will come out to "play" occasionally, I'm sure!)

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LJCANNON 12/9/2009 1:16PM

    Congratulations on your losses so far and I bet you look AMAZING with a new 'Do'.
I am so glad that you are getting to know 'the woman in the mirror' I imagine she is wonderful! emoticon

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Healthy & fit is fun but here is my emo backlash

Sunday, December 06, 2009

I set and kept my first goals on Spark and I am ridiculously proud of myself sort of.
Well I proved to myself I could stick to a goal over time.
It feels good to be looking after myself.
It gets me out of bed.
I am not setting the goal too high, it was surprisingly easy to do.

This was the goal: exercise for 20- 30 minutes every day.
What I did:
Tues: Curves 30mins, Swim laps 30 minutes
Wed: Curves 30 mins,
Thurs Curves 30mins, push pram with 5yr old & flat tires around suburb to see Chrissy lights, 1 hour.
Friday: curves 30 mins,
Sat: run around with kite & 5 year old 20 mins, rambling walk 30 mins
Sun: swim laps 20 mins & water play with 5 yr old 20 mins
Mon: Curves 30 mins

I now I notice I am having a backlash of negative self-talk about it.
SO, I see this as an opportunity to blog to all and to nut this out.
Like hey, this all looks good on paper, right?
I feel bad though, likea hard ball of yuk (dread) in the centre of my stomach.
Have I lost weight? Don't know, too scared to look.
Did I eat too many calories? Yes AND I know how: alchohol. I have developed a daily habit of 1 or 2 alchoholic ciders. If I have a snack on top of that it is like an entire meal - in liquid form, with few nutrients. I am going back to red wine = less calories.
YIKES! Plus since a few weeks after beginning to track I notice I am making consistently healthy, nutritious meal choices (yay me) but my calories are WAY over what is recommended for me to lose weight.

Now I am going to set a new goal this week as well as last weeks goal: measure single portions for myself every day (instead of "guestimating").
I notice a set of never-before-used measuring spoons hiding in the kitchen drawer.

I feel a little better having written this, but I also feel guilty about being so self-focused. Where does this come from? Am I vain to want to improve my health and body shape? to aim for peak fitness so I can avoid depression, participate in my growing boy's life?

Have you ever reached a goal and found that instead of calm affirmations you were feeling anxious, sad or just generally bad about it?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SM-ARTGIRL 12/9/2009 1:52AM

    That little cutey is a friend's but with her red hair she looks like me as a little girl.
For me the photo is about the security and joy of a moment in family.
It is part of an art series I did at a time when I thought I had missed my chance at love, my own family and all that. A time of broken hearted misery and self abuse.
Of meaningless existence.

I lost my sense of gratitude that year.

But, I guess that is why I am asking if you ever reached a goal and found that instead of feeling good about its you were felt anxious, sad or bad about it?
What do you do to overcome that, to feel good as you achieve your goals?

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LOOSEIT57 12/7/2009 12:02AM

    What a little cutey.

Well all have those bad streaks, I too have eaten too many calories but not exercising so you are so you are burning them up.

Hang in there you will get there.

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Making the resolve to just keep moving

Monday, November 30, 2009

Hi, it's Sm-artgirl here,

I am intrigued that my mind loves to imagine worlds, scenarios, possibilities.
My mind can create an entire day, including workouts and conversations.
I could be sitting in front of my computer reading or at my table drawing and be totally elsewhere in my mind for hours without be aware of time, responsibilities or goals.
A day sometimes passes and I have achieved zilch in terms of my study, housework, physical goals, or friendships...
I may have seen no one or talked to no one at all.

Being conscious is difficult for me so here is a list of things that keep me in the present:
15 minute retro timer
Being in nature, walking, climbing, hiking, camping
Keeping a list and actually reading it
Being employed by another with a time in and out plus tasks to do.

I'd love to know from other sparkies: What do you do that keeps you mindfully working towards your goals?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WILSLM70 12/6/2009 10:43PM

    I am also a list person... and a diary person...

When I write it down I remember to do it, so I have lists at work, lists in my handbag, lists on the fridge at home...

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ETHEL_MERMAID 11/30/2009 11:21PM

    You hit on one of my favorite tools when you mentioned your retro 15-min. timer :) I'm always amazed at what I can accomplish in a scant 15 minutes, or maybe about *four* 15-min. increments of time! I have to work that way due to some medical problems, so it's become a way of life. The list idea's great, too, only I have a habit of losing my lists...hmmmm emoticon

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FRACTALMYTH 11/30/2009 11:01PM

    I think for me, it's just like your heading says - making the resolve to just keep moving. Time can disappear so quickly, especially if I sit down at the computer lol, but once I take that first baby step I suddenly find myself hurtling in the right direction faster than I thought possible. Just putting one foot in front of the other. I use lists to plan (on paper or in my head) and I journal to sort out emotional and intellectual tangles - and just to share - because my flow of consciousness tends to manifest itself as a composition lol, but for keeping on track it all comes down to making the decision (resolve) and then acting on it (just keep moving) one small step at a time.

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LOOSEIT57 11/30/2009 10:08PM

    I take advantage of the team activities and I blog and get support from other spark members.

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Doubt & Hope in equal measure

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I am Sm-artgirl and this is my first blog entry.
Thanks for dropping by.
I have been lurking on Spark for a couple of weeks.

Read an article today about the stages and cycles of creating lasting behaviour change.
Planning, dreaming, doing and maintaining.
The more time you are in the last 2 stages, the more successful or permanent a change will be ...

Anyhow I have been dreaming of blogging for a long time now.
Why blog?
To keep me accountable to my health and weight goals.
To explore some of the basket of baggage that keeps the extra baggage on!
If I jump in and be part of this community I could maybe contribute to another readers' day.
Maybe, just maybe I do have something of worth and value to share here?

I have a family history that is dark and full and rich.
It feeds my artistic soul.
I spent a lot of years numbing myself- feeling bad and not even wanting to feel. Starving myself, then getting healthy, then discovering the party world in my 20's and beyond and kind of ignoring the body.
As long as my career was pumped, the social group hip and the boyfriend talented, I could ignore the building anxiety that was manifest in my eating, sleeping, and all else habits.

Several life events in last few years: my son arrives, my dad dies, I throw away my secure dream job of 7 years!
I learned to cook for the first time.
I quit smoking.
I resumed study in a new field.
I began to conciously move my body for fitness!

I seek balance now.
I seek natural rhythm and foods to fill my day.

Here is to my journey of healthful seasons that cycle and to hope and doubt!

I am the messy art girl and that is who I am.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIGHTHEART09 12/9/2009 11:54PM too...I am the messy art girl too...always been that...
poet, dancer, swimmer, artist...we have much in common...
Do you watch So You Think You Can Dance? My fav in the US...
tell me more about you...

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FRACTALMYTH 11/30/2009 11:59AM

    I hope you keep writing :D It's very nice to meet you!

"I spent a lot of years numbing myself- feeling bad and not even wanting to feel. Starving myself, then getting healthy, then discovering the party world in my 20's and beyond and kind of ignoring the body." Uhhum yes. I've done all of that too. Isn't it nice to be on the other side now, consciously choosing to live in our bodies instead of drifting on the emotional flow?

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ETHEL_MERMAID 11/29/2009 11:13AM

    Nothing woeful about THIS entry! Count me among your regulars - you've got some lively, rich, and wise thoughts and experiences to share! Your fan, Susan

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MDICROCE 11/25/2009 2:13PM

  Like you, I am new to SparkPeople, and just so delighted in the community! I had tried Weight Watchers online & Curves Complete and nothing comes close to the friends and information on SP. I am so glad to have you hear and look forward to your next blog! Good Luck and thanks for joining us!

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LJCANNON 11/25/2009 1:56PM

    Welcome to SparkPeople emoticonYou have only just begun to discover what a wonderful world it is here.

We are looking forward to getting to know you better asyou become addicted to this place emoticon

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SEPPIESUSAN 11/25/2009 11:34AM

    I LOVE blogging on this site, and I LOVE getting feedback from others...keep it up - I'm sure you will find it rewarding!

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SM-ARTGIRL 11/24/2009 9:13PM

    I just came back to re-read my blog thinking how woeful it might be and saw all your replies! WOW I just burst into tears! Like there really is a community here who are going to support me and me to them!
Thank you, all, please know that your words mean a lot to me.

Oh, gosh I feel all teary. Must be pre-menstrual - ha!

emoticon kisses

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LOOSEIT57 11/24/2009 8:41PM

    Thank you for sharing your blog with us. I will look forward to hearing more from you. Hope you have a great day.

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LOTSAKATZ25 11/24/2009 4:47PM

    Ok, I SO can't wait to hear more! You grabbed me. emoticon

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VEEJAY3 11/24/2009 3:03PM

    Can't wait to keep hearing from you! I LOVE the way you described your past: dark, full, rich, and feeding your artistic soul. Amazing! Sounds to me an optimist, a healing woman ... and a REALLY Smart Girl!!!

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YOOVIE 11/24/2009 1:45PM

    ooooooooooooooooh I'm so excited to see what you write!!! I'm subscribing now~

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