Sunday, December 20, 2009
I went shopping for new clothes.
I have gained even more fat.
I did not cry.
I looked in the mirror and I really hated my body.
I have been working out 6 days a week this month.
I have been tracking my calories.
I ate muesli & low fat yogurt every day.
I switched to low fat milk.
Is it possible to gain fat so easily?
I wonder if my body just stacks fat on at the mere hint of weight loss?
Or it somehow knows it is summer and summer = cold swims in the ocean = turn into a seal with protective layer of blubber?
I got new bras, I have gone up a size.
I feel enormous and unacceptable.
I did have a big cry this morning.
Feel like I put so much effort in but my best is not good enough.
I am about to go "home" interstate with my family for Christmas.
I want so much to look beautiful and slim.
I missed my weigh & measurement this morning.
The cure for self loathing might be gratitude, so here goes:
I have finished my Christmas shopping.
My family is healthy.
My body is healthy, I have great vision, hearing, arms, legs, everything works fine, I am blessed with clear skin and shiny eyes.
I am making mostly healthy choices.
Seals are amazing animals, but I would prefer to look like a mermaid.
I am going to the gym now, & will post measurements and goals next blog...Thanks for reading my attempt to self-coach.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
I promised myself a reward for doing 7 days of my goal to exercise 30 mins every day.
I often make promises to myself and then entirely forget to reward my self.
So there I was passing by a hairdressers today on my way to squeeze in half hour Christmas shopping whilst 5 yr old was attending circus training.
I haven't cut or styled hair in over 6 months and thought, no harm in asking if I could fit in, thinking, no chance...but yes, they could and yes I did!
As I sat in front of mirror I laugh a lot. I kind of do this thing so I don't actually have to look at myself.
Hmm, I think I am so ugly and my face is so fat and my body is so fat. There are so many gorgeous girls getting cool haircuts here too.
But wait! I got measured and weighed yesterday at the gym and I know for sure I have lost a few cm's pretty much all over except my arms and even my fat % has diminished.
I laugh a lot to hide my embarrassment at being fat. But at heart I am a serious person, at least, not this squirmy laughing, I -apologise- for-taking-up-too-much- space or as if you won't look past the smile to see the fat girl underneath and you will accept me, love me for the spirit I am. You will see that I am just as arty and slim as you, maybe you will even want to hang around with me.
The entire time I am there I chat on- all bubbly, happy personality - but another me is watching and she is as cool as a cucumber, saying "pull it in sister! You don't need to try so hard, you do not even know this woman!"
So I got a glimpse of her in the mirror watching this cartoon me avoiding herself in the mirror.
This is a woman I really like, adore in fact.
She is strong, powerful, physically attractive, serious, intuitive, natural and not hiding her talents, skills and experience under the label of "mother" . Mother is one important role she plays and there are so many more.
I want to get to know her again. Spend some time with her and her messy art world.
Sunday, December 06, 2009
I set and kept my first goals on Spark and I am ridiculously proud of myself sort of.
Well I proved to myself I could stick to a goal over time.
It feels good to be looking after myself.
It gets me out of bed.
I am not setting the goal too high, it was surprisingly easy to do.
This was the goal: exercise for 20- 30 minutes every day.
What I did:
Tues: Curves 30mins, Swim laps 30 minutes
Wed: Curves 30 mins,
Thurs Curves 30mins, push pram with 5yr old & flat tires around suburb to see Chrissy lights, 1 hour.
Friday: curves 30 mins,
Sat: run around with kite & 5 year old 20 mins, rambling walk 30 mins
Sun: swim laps 20 mins & water play with 5 yr old 20 mins
Mon: Curves 30 mins
I now I notice I am having a backlash of negative self-talk about it.
SO, I see this as an opportunity to blog to all and to nut this out.
Like hey, this all looks good on paper, right?
I feel bad though, likea hard ball of yuk (dread) in the centre of my stomach.
Have I lost weight? Don't know, too scared to look.
Did I eat too many calories? Yes AND I know how: alchohol. I have developed a daily habit of 1 or 2 alchoholic ciders. If I have a snack on top of that it is like an entire meal - in liquid form, with few nutrients. I am going back to red wine = less calories.
YIKES! Plus since a few weeks after beginning to track I notice I am making consistently healthy, nutritious meal choices (yay me) but my calories are WAY over what is recommended for me to lose weight.
Now I am going to set a new goal this week as well as last weeks goal: measure single portions for myself every day (instead of "guestimating").
I notice a set of never-before-used measuring spoons hiding in the kitchen drawer.
I feel a little better having written this, but I also feel guilty about being so self-focused. Where does this come from? Am I vain to want to improve my health and body shape? to aim for peak fitness so I can avoid depression, participate in my growing boy's life?
Have you ever reached a goal and found that instead of calm affirmations you were feeling anxious, sad or just generally bad about it?
Monday, November 30, 2009
Hi, it's Sm-artgirl here,
I am intrigued that my mind loves to imagine worlds, scenarios, possibilities.
My mind can create an entire day, including workouts and conversations.
I could be sitting in front of my computer reading or at my table drawing and be totally elsewhere in my mind for hours without be aware of time, responsibilities or goals.
A day sometimes passes and I have achieved zilch in terms of my study, housework, physical goals, or friendships...
I may have seen no one or talked to no one at all.
Being conscious is difficult for me so here is a list of things that keep me in the present:
15 minute retro timer
Being in nature, walking, climbing, hiking, camping
Keeping a list and actually reading it
Being employed by another with a time in and out plus tasks to do.
I'd love to know from other sparkies: What do you do that keeps you mindfully working towards your goals?
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I am Sm-artgirl and this is my first blog entry.
Thanks for dropping by.
I have been lurking on Spark for a couple of weeks.
Read an article today about the stages and cycles of creating lasting behaviour change.
Planning, dreaming, doing and maintaining.
The more time you are in the last 2 stages, the more successful or permanent a change will be ...
Anyhow I have been dreaming of blogging for a long time now.
To keep me accountable to my health and weight goals.
To explore some of the basket of baggage that keeps the extra baggage on!
If I jump in and be part of this community I could maybe contribute to another readers' day.
Maybe, just maybe I do have something of worth and value to share here?
I have a family history that is dark and full and rich.
It feeds my artistic soul.
I spent a lot of years numbing myself- feeling bad and not even wanting to feel. Starving myself, then getting healthy, then discovering the party world in my 20's and beyond and kind of ignoring the body.
As long as my career was pumped, the social group hip and the boyfriend talented, I could ignore the building anxiety that was manifest in my eating, sleeping, and all else habits.
Several life events in last few years: my son arrives, my dad dies, I throw away my secure dream job of 7 years!
I learned to cook for the first time.
I quit smoking.
I resumed study in a new field.
I began to conciously move my body for fitness!
I seek balance now.
I seek natural rhythm and foods to fill my day.
Here is to my journey of healthful seasons that cycle and to hope and doubt!
I am the messy art girl and that is who I am.
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