Friday, October 08, 2010
Just before I awoke this morning, I had a dream that I was standing in front of the mirror marveling at the wgt I'd lost. I never dream of mirrors, wgt, etc. so I took this as a sign that it was safe to get on the scale. I did.
Now, one thing I did recently that I would advise against is rounding up. I gained 8 lbs after my three-month rebellion, but had rounded up to 10 lbs. I figured, after all, I was probably going to continue to rebel and eat mightily. However, in my psyche, there is a difference between 8 and 10. Eight feels more manageable than 10. Guess it's just me.
Okay, I get on the scale and realize that I'm 4 lbs down - so only 4 to go until I am back at the good goal I'd previously achieved. For the past week, I have gotten back on track and done all the right things for myself.
I don't have to tell you, but I will anyway, how this SP site reinforces such great healthy behavior that, even when you fall into an abyss of despair and bad eating, you have the tools to get back to business. And each time I do, I'm stronger for it.
Wishing all a happy day and great weekend.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
Disclaimer - None of these topics tie into each other. Just random thoughts.
Wow, did I ever get a refresher course in basics during my last three months of total rebellion! For the past two years on this healthy lifestyle change, I made myself follow the rules. You know, the same ones good ole mom tried to reinforce early on when I blew off breakfast? What an amazing difference breakfast has made.
And this important meal (the foundation to the rest of the day really) was one I started to skip during my rebellious last few months of wild food abandon. Just wasn't hungry and that was that. Have a nice day. Well, you know the end of this story? By mid-morning or lunch time, I was ravenous. And the rest of the day went down in Ripley's Believe It or Not, or that disgusting show called, "Man vs. Food."
Yes, I am back, Jack. Now I don't miss breakfast, no matter what. It makes all the difference in the world and I think I've truly gotten the lesson now. EAT BREAKFAST!
Okay, Pinocchio. How did the author of that book know? Over the past few years, I have occasionally wondered why I don't have the same nose I used to have. Not being a liar (as his nose grew when he told little fibs), and not that my nose is necessarily getting longer (just changing), how could it have left town? The writer of Pinocchio must have known something that I just recently discovered - that our ears and nose continue to grow until our last day on earth! Wow! Am I going to turn into a Beagle, I wonder. Now, none of this makes any sense except that I just thought it an interesting fact.
And last, but never least, gratitude. I have never failed to be amazed, since joining this site, by the kindness and importance of sparkfriends. I'm usually a very private person, but the other day, I opened the curtain to reveal a peak at what has been a tidal wave of grief for the past few years. The kind words and thoughts were very much appreciated. Last month, when I was ready to quit SP (as I occasionally want to quit everything), EJ (leader of Supplements team) reached out and pulled me back to reality without saying a word to harnass my determination to leave. She just kindly gave me her email address and said she'd be there for me. And that she would really miss me on the team. Iwas touched because I sometimes think this is just a virtual, non-existent world. But due to her subtle reminder of the importance of healthy connection, including people who care, I did not quit. It has made a big difference in my staying on this healthy course. Thanks to all, and big hugs.
Wishing everyone a happy, healthy day.
Monday, October 04, 2010
I heard this analogy a long time ago, but now am experiencing it first-hand. The past three years' myriad losses of loved ones and friends (8) have chipped away at me in ways that are sometimes undetectable. The proverbial straw that broke me (in a manner of speaking) was in July, with the departure of my dear cousin (like a sister). She also took with her an entire lifetime of shared experiences, including shared experiences of a large family in which rich cultural, loving memories (grandparents) were better than gold. Unconditional love, a detailed knowledge of childhood fun we both held dear, priceless sense of humor, etc. all seem to have gone with her. So the loss is symbolic as well as just missing her.
Be that as it may, over the past three months (as well as the past three years that cancer spread throughout her body and I tried to help despite really being helpless), I have changed. Not in ways that I'm too fond of. I keep trying to get back to the person I was,but it feels like I'm moving in a room filled with jello with just flailing arms and legs. The person I was was totally different than what I seem to be now, and the harder I try to reclaim my positive attributes, the more they seem to elude me.
The other day I cried for the loss of who I was. The loss of self who has seemed to slip away with my cousin. I also came to the realization that this stranger who is now inhabiting my body may be the one I have to get to know, accept and love. Like playing the hand I've been dealt.
Broken and trying to crazy glue pieces of myself back together (like Humpty Dumpty who has fallen off that wall once too many times), I am a patched piece of work. And I realized yesterday that I will keep trying to heal in ways that I can, will try to accept the things I can't, and will try to muster the wisdom to know the difference. (yes, the serenity prayer)
Meanwhile, I have to learn to skate with just one leg. This site, and sparkfriends, have been a tremendous help.
Wishing all a good day.
Sunday, October 03, 2010
And I might as well do sugar detox at the same time since it'll be a miserable 3-4 weeks anyway with caffeine withdrawals. I've done this before. About five months ago, I got it all out of my system for about three months. I've recently tried to wean myself gradually, but that doesn't work for me. (Longest success was two years. Man, I keep trying to get these out of my life again and again!)
Even though I drink a very small amount of coffee daily, I go through intense withdrawals. Not just amazing headaches, akin to migraines, but adrenal pain and other body aches. It goes on for several weeks.
So, if I'm going to put myself through this again, I really have to make it stick. The downside is that, once my body is rid of sugar and caffeine, my energy level is noticeably lower despite trying healthier aids.
But in the long run, I feel better overall when I've gotten these two demons banished. Since it's a tough time in other ways, why not get all the tough stuff out of the way all at once?
Wishing all a good day.
(UPDATE: I DECIDED TO JUST TACKLE SUGAR FOR NOW. CAFFEINE IS TOO PAINFUL.)
Saturday, October 02, 2010
My dear cousin (like a sister to me) passed away on July 3 after a three year struggle with cancer that spread everywhere. I did everything I could to help her from a distance - phone, skype, finding resources to help her, sending stuff, praying, etc. I was mentally and emotionally there for her 24/7. Since her departure, I've really been working hard at crazy-glueing my heart and life back together. Like Humpty Dumpty who has fallen off that wall one too many times, there are just too many tiny shards that I don't even know how to piece together anymore.
The harder I work at feeling/doing better, the more I feel that I'm chasing my tail. Maybe time does heal. If it does, great. Meanwhile, I have changed in many ways through all this - not all of them good ways. Be that as it may, I will just have to learn how to do life as this new me.
I've been trying to think of unique ideas for memorials. So far, I have named a tree in her honor, as well as doing a couple of other things. However, I am always trying to find new ways to honor her. Yes, I know. Getting back a quality of life will be the best way I'll honor her, but until then...who knows?
She was given a gift that she loved - a Build A Bear. But that was stolen by someone a mere few hours after she passed. Funny how people just ravage your possessions and take whatever they want. The person who took it was one of the family members who spit in her eye (in a number of ways) the entire three years she was sick. And was rotten to her right till the end. And that is the person who gets to have her beloved bear! Oh, the ironies of life.
Yes, of course, they also took her "valuables." Stole them. But I have to let that battle go as it only harms me in thinking of how terrible her family members were to her.
Long story short, I have ordered my own BuildABear that will be arriving next week. No, I'm not 5 years old (smiling), but I'm a person who has always felt that age is irrelevant and that I'll do whatever I want at any age. With that said, this bear is a symbolic bridge to her as a shared experience. Now I have to name it. And I want something unique and androgynous. Maybe "Tree" since she and I love/d the outdoors?
Any ideas for memorials or names would be welcomed and appreciated. (smiling)
Okay, this has nothing to do with weight. Yet, it has everything to do with it because I've had a three-month long grief-eating rebellion going on that has got to stop. And these little things I can do - memorials and bears - provide a bit of comfort. And a little bit of comfort goes a long way these days.
Wishing all a wonderful day.
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