Monday, October 04, 2010
I heard this analogy a long time ago, but now am experiencing it first-hand. The past three years' myriad losses of loved ones and friends (8) have chipped away at me in ways that are sometimes undetectable. The proverbial straw that broke me (in a manner of speaking) was in July, with the departure of my dear cousin (like a sister). She also took with her an entire lifetime of shared experiences, including shared experiences of a large family in which rich cultural, loving memories (grandparents) were better than gold. Unconditional love, a detailed knowledge of childhood fun we both held dear, priceless sense of humor, etc. all seem to have gone with her. So the loss is symbolic as well as just missing her.
Be that as it may, over the past three months (as well as the past three years that cancer spread throughout her body and I tried to help despite really being helpless), I have changed. Not in ways that I'm too fond of. I keep trying to get back to the person I was,but it feels like I'm moving in a room filled with jello with just flailing arms and legs. The person I was was totally different than what I seem to be now, and the harder I try to reclaim my positive attributes, the more they seem to elude me.
The other day I cried for the loss of who I was. The loss of self who has seemed to slip away with my cousin. I also came to the realization that this stranger who is now inhabiting my body may be the one I have to get to know, accept and love. Like playing the hand I've been dealt.
Broken and trying to crazy glue pieces of myself back together (like Humpty Dumpty who has fallen off that wall once too many times), I am a patched piece of work. And I realized yesterday that I will keep trying to heal in ways that I can, will try to accept the things I can't, and will try to muster the wisdom to know the difference. (yes, the serenity prayer)
Meanwhile, I have to learn to skate with just one leg. This site, and sparkfriends, have been a tremendous help.
Wishing all a good day.
Sunday, October 03, 2010
And I might as well do sugar detox at the same time since it'll be a miserable 3-4 weeks anyway with caffeine withdrawals. I've done this before. About five months ago, I got it all out of my system for about three months. I've recently tried to wean myself gradually, but that doesn't work for me. (Longest success was two years. Man, I keep trying to get these out of my life again and again!)
Even though I drink a very small amount of coffee daily, I go through intense withdrawals. Not just amazing headaches, akin to migraines, but adrenal pain and other body aches. It goes on for several weeks.
So, if I'm going to put myself through this again, I really have to make it stick. The downside is that, once my body is rid of sugar and caffeine, my energy level is noticeably lower despite trying healthier aids.
But in the long run, I feel better overall when I've gotten these two demons banished. Since it's a tough time in other ways, why not get all the tough stuff out of the way all at once?
Wishing all a good day.
(UPDATE: I DECIDED TO JUST TACKLE SUGAR FOR NOW. CAFFEINE IS TOO PAINFUL.)
Saturday, October 02, 2010
My dear cousin (like a sister to me) passed away on July 3 after a three year struggle with cancer that spread everywhere. I did everything I could to help her from a distance - phone, skype, finding resources to help her, sending stuff, praying, etc. I was mentally and emotionally there for her 24/7. Since her departure, I've really been working hard at crazy-glueing my heart and life back together. Like Humpty Dumpty who has fallen off that wall one too many times, there are just too many tiny shards that I don't even know how to piece together anymore.
The harder I work at feeling/doing better, the more I feel that I'm chasing my tail. Maybe time does heal. If it does, great. Meanwhile, I have changed in many ways through all this - not all of them good ways. Be that as it may, I will just have to learn how to do life as this new me.
I've been trying to think of unique ideas for memorials. So far, I have named a tree in her honor, as well as doing a couple of other things. However, I am always trying to find new ways to honor her. Yes, I know. Getting back a quality of life will be the best way I'll honor her, but until then...who knows?
She was given a gift that she loved - a Build A Bear. But that was stolen by someone a mere few hours after she passed. Funny how people just ravage your possessions and take whatever they want. The person who took it was one of the family members who spit in her eye (in a number of ways) the entire three years she was sick. And was rotten to her right till the end. And that is the person who gets to have her beloved bear! Oh, the ironies of life.
Yes, of course, they also took her "valuables." Stole them. But I have to let that battle go as it only harms me in thinking of how terrible her family members were to her.
Long story short, I have ordered my own BuildABear that will be arriving next week. No, I'm not 5 years old (smiling), but I'm a person who has always felt that age is irrelevant and that I'll do whatever I want at any age. With that said, this bear is a symbolic bridge to her as a shared experience. Now I have to name it. And I want something unique and androgynous. Maybe "Tree" since she and I love/d the outdoors?
Any ideas for memorials or names would be welcomed and appreciated. (smiling)
Okay, this has nothing to do with weight. Yet, it has everything to do with it because I've had a three-month long grief-eating rebellion going on that has got to stop. And these little things I can do - memorials and bears - provide a bit of comfort. And a little bit of comfort goes a long way these days.
Wishing all a wonderful day.
Friday, October 01, 2010
The other night, I was listening to a radio show on which a doctor was talking about nutritional importance.
He said that he was recently asked by someone who wanted to know, that if he was going to change just one thing in his life, in his diet, what would the doc advise for a healthier life?
His response - SUGAR! Get rid of it as it feeds all of the things that make us ill. He said it's cancer's best friend.
What a coincidence that I've made today the first day (again, but I'll try as many times as I have to) on my sugar detox.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Oh, how even smart people (those who know better and have learned healthy tools) go astray! (smiling)
The saga goes like this... Slim all my life and able to eat anything in any quantity without any weight gain, that changed about four or five years (I lose track of time) ago. Hormonal changes, loooooooong work hours (I've since changed that), less exercise (I've since changed this as well), lots of death of loved ones (8 in 2.5 years) and the accompanying grief, my own life's bumps in the road, etc., tidal-waved me and WHAMO! Before I knew what hit me, I went from slimbo to chubbo.
Then, I started the healthier lifestyle change about two years ago and lost 30 lbs. But I lost that weight within the first 6-8 months, so the rest of the time I've been what I term as a "forever plateau." Somehow, my psyche started to interpret that statis as a green light to mean that I'd returned to my former metabolic self. That I could eat like a piglet and not gain.
Well, with the loss of my cousin (like a sister) in July and the sadness that has ensued, I found comfort in treats. Lots of them. And guess what? My plateau is no more! And I cannot eat anything in any quantity. The party is over and, honestly? It wasn't all that much fun. Fortunately, I did not gain back the entire amount, but 10 is still a lot.
I have put myself on a corrective path, and will stick to it. My cousin would mildly scold me in that loving way of hers if she were with me at the moment for abandoning my highest good.
Wishing all a wonderful day.
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