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Grief, Cheesecake, and No Remorse

Friday, January 08, 2010

This is the kind of confession you dread writing. In fact, you either put it off as long as possible, or refuse to write it at all.

Yesterday, after a couple of days of handling my most recent loss of a dearly departed family member very well, I decided ____ it. I bought a couple of very small pieces of cheesecake and savored every bite. I have this theory that, if I'm going to do this type of thing, I might as well enjoy it.

Sure, I know better. Sure, it's not the healthiest way to deal with sadness. But I also know that I don't make this a habit. I also know that at least it wasn't the entire cheesecake. (smiling)

Today's a new day, and back to healthy coping. Fighting a cold, so will keep exercise reasonable.

I have three more people who are very dear to me who are in stage 4. So, I'd better just buck up and learn how to effectively deal with grief, loss and sadness.

Have a wonderful day, sparkfriends.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ZUZUBEE 1/9/2010 10:09AM

    Hang in there! In comparison to what you're dealing with, the cheesecake indulgence is no big deal. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and any momentary comfort it may have given you! I'm so sorry for your sadness. emoticon

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AMYMLE 1/8/2010 10:58PM

    Jesse, I'm so sorry you've had so much loss and grief to deal with. I think the problem with emotional eating is when you're not aware of it. I don't think knowing what you're doing and why you're doing it is so much a problem. Hang in there! We're here for you!

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KO1215 1/8/2010 4:14PM

    I really can't add anymore than what has already been written except that I am sorry you are going through so much and we are here for you! Take care,



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JLITT62 1/8/2010 2:42PM

    Well, cheesecake won't make the pain go away, of course, but if you're going to indulge, that's the way to do it -- decide what you truly want, and savor every bite. Actually sounds pretty sane to me.

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RASCALSMOMMA 1/8/2010 2:14PM

    Jesse, there are teams that you can join for (im assuming) cancer survivors and grief/loss . You shoulld probably arm yourself with that defense. They will show you how to deal with your grief besides food. Or, for a more "person"al approach, do you have a church or counselling organization that you can participate in. THere are alternatives...
I do like the idea that you bought SLICES instead of a whole cake. Good for you. Gentle, long hugs from Laurie

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    Indulging occasionally is not a crime. Sadly it will not help you deal with your loss.

In our society, even mourning is accompanied by food. We can hardly turn around that food isn't involved.

I am sorry for the loss of your family member and grieve with you. It can't be easy knowing 3 more people in stage 4.

Try blogging before the cheesecake? Maybe it will help?

Nothing can stop mourning and grieving and really, we don't want to anyway. It is good to be able to mourn those we lose.

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JERSEYGIRL1950 1/8/2010 1:28PM

    Hey there, Sounds like your battling some storms right now..first off no beating yourself up or get down on yourself. Sometimes life just keeps throwing you curves and all you can do is breath thru them even if that means cheesecake. I'm sorry your dealing with all these losses for me when I get overwhelmed you just have to let it go with the knowing this too shall pass.Thoughts and prayers your way. hugs

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So Much to Say, Yet So Little

Thursday, January 07, 2010

In times like these, when there is so much loss in my life, it's tough to blog. If I have nothing good to write, I tend to not want to say anything at all. At times, I list topics I want to blog about, and other times, there's not one single thought in my head. (smiling)

So, I thought I'd just start typing and let my mind roam to miscellaneous thoughts. One of them is my ongoing battle with coffee.

In October, I detoxed completely from caffeine and it wasn't a pretty process. Even though I drink only 1/3 to 2/3 of a small mug daily, it is very strong coffee and I am very sensitive to caffeine and don't like the way it makes me feel. However, like any good little addict, I return for more each morning.

My detox period lasted about 8 days and it goes from migraines that are indescribable, to pains in the adrenals (above the kidneys) until my body releases the last bit of caffeine. In October, I was off of caffeine for three weeks (in the past, I've made it to a year). It was sad to see that I had absolutely no energy at all. I mean, I tried all kinds of healthy ways to jumpstart the engine, but no luck.

Thus, I started back on coffee in November and here I am with it again. Hate to be a slave to a substance or behavior, I really want to kick it for good. But I also don't want to be a limp ragdoll without it. What to do? Yikes, a real dilemma.

Wishing all a wonderful day.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SKYEFYR 1/9/2010 7:48PM

  What do your b vitamins look like? When hubby had to cut back because of his high blood pressure, he started taking b complex vitamins and he says they really helped him. Just an idea! (And I like the 5 hour energy drinks for an occasional pick me up. Expensive for daily, but....)

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JLITT62 1/7/2010 3:29PM

    Wish I had some words of wisdom, but thankfully I'm not much into caffeine. I'm the same way about blogging, tho -- sometimes I have so much to say, and obviously other days nothing at all!

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RASCALSMOMMA 1/7/2010 12:09PM

    actually Debbie has a good point Jesse. When you track your food do you have extras that you also track; like any vitamin or protien or other nutrients. try that for a while. If your body it really sensitive to it I wouldnt do it. Try it..Hugs Laurie

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    I know you have been battling this problem with caffine for quite some time. Have you thought about talking to your doctor. If you are feeling run down due to lack of caffine there could be some other under lying problem. Maybe he/she might have some suggestions for you. I have been where you are I quit smoking 17 years ago. I stopped drinking sodas, and coffee since I joined Spark People in March of last year. It wasn't an easy task. I also found my body craving the caffine that kept it going most ot the time. I am now taking vitamins. Though my energy level is getting better I am still working at it. Wishing you well.


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New Year, New Loss

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

A beloved family member passed away today. I am distraught and griefstricken. (But not eating junk as a result) Handling my sadness with a lot of exercise, among other things.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HICALGAL 1/7/2010 6:38AM

    i'm so sorry to hear of your loss. my heart and prayers go out to you. emoticon

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JLITT62 1/6/2010 5:33AM

    I am so sorry for your loss. Exercise is a wonderful stress buster. Just let all that griet out thru sweat.

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FREELADY 1/6/2010 1:00AM

    Jesse, I am sorry for your loss. Good for you, not eating junk. That is really an accomplishment.

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RASCALSMOMMA 1/6/2010 12:23AM

    I'm so sorry Jesse. People do cope with loss in many diffferent ways. You are making a wise decision. I am proud of you. Hugs to you my friend..Laurie

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Divorcing My Scale

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

I never even owned a scale before starting this lifestyle change in October '08. Guess I was one of the lucky ones who was able to eat anything, in any quantity, and not gain a pound. That changed a few years ago with hormonal tidal waves along with a workaholic schedule. But I still resisted getting a scale.

Once I did get one, I became fixated on the number each week (and then sometimes daily). After losing 34 lbs, I've stayed at what I call a forever plateau. Getting on the scale was getting to be a source of discouragement that I just don't need to sabotage my success.

Reading "The Spark," I see that I'm on the right track in weighing monthly. That'll be enough for me as I continue to eat right, exercise, and pay attention to measurements rather than that @#&$ scale! (smiling) I've got 17 lbs to go, which I intend to get done this year.

Wishing all a wonderful 2010.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1NICUBABE 1/5/2010 9:36PM

    Way to go! I too decided today that the scale is just making me feel bad about myself even though I've been working hard. I will just concentrate on the other positive aspects of healthy eating and exercise and not so much the scale.

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DDHEART 1/5/2010 4:42PM

    Good for you! I must be in a goofy mood today....all I can think is.....will your scale need to pay support? Sorry, I think all the fresh air from my walk has gone to my head. emoticon

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SKYEFYR 1/5/2010 3:53PM

  Funny how a little piece of plastic and metal can effect our day to day lives so completely.

Congratulations on getting on a once a month schedule and sticking with it. I find my problem is once I think about it I obsess on it. And every time I put it away, someone else takes it out and I obsess again. Oh well, at least one of us is making progress. :-)

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JERSEYGIRL1950 1/5/2010 3:01PM

    Hey Girl, I was just thinking of you and go she hasn't been blogging so I come on over and Geez you are..don't know why I stopped getting email notice...anywho I see your doing the work..I use to be so obsessed don't know if it's the age creeping up but it finally stopped and didn't get on the whole month of December maybe a little to long but only a little under 3 pounds that's major for me and the holiday season. Keep at it we will make this work in 2010. emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 1/5/2010 3:02:47 PM

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JLITT62 1/5/2010 2:16PM

    Haven't owned a scale in many years, but weekly WIs help keep my motivated -- whether they're good or bad. Even tho I've been on a plateau for a while, too. But it's whatever works for you!

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RASCALSMOMMA 1/5/2010 12:40PM

    Dont "divorce" it. Instead get "visitation rights" ! Hugs

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KO1215 1/5/2010 11:01AM


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JOGALLMAN 1/5/2010 10:57AM

    The scale and I haven't gotten along in years. It taunts me and teases me until I give up. I have even resorted to having my hubby hide it from me as I was so obsessed with what it had to say about my weight.

It's still in my bathroom, but I find that I only get on it a couple of times a week now as opposed to several times a day. I won't divorce the scale, but a long separation would be nice.

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PATRICIAANN46 1/5/2010 10:52AM

  Weighing in monthly sounds like a great idea!!! You have done a fantastic job......keep up the good work.

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LOVEPAINTING 1/5/2010 10:46AM

    I hate the scale - it can be your best friend on one day and your worst enemy the next.

That's why if I do it weekly, I don't get as upset and maybe should do it just monthly and see if that helps.

Thanks - Linda

PS - Love the kitties - are they Himalayans or Rag Dolls???

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Armed, Optimistic and Ready for 2010

Monday, January 04, 2010

Things in motion tend to stay in motion. Wasn't that a Physics principle I learned in high school? Well, my momentum from 2009 has carried over and I am armed with the tools I need to continue this healthy living adventure.

Exercise and healthy eating are aspects that have improved my ability to deal with life's challenges. Specifically, I've lost 6 dear ones in the last two years, and I now have 4 more who are just about ready to depart as well. Seeing them deteriorate before my eyes is a process that is not easily understood unless you've been through it yourself. Suffice it to say, it has knocked me for a loop in many ways.

However, due to keeping myself healthy and happy (there's a core of happiness in my heart that is a flame that does not go out), I am able to deal with things so much better than when I was out of sync with healthy habits. I'm on much more solid ground and armed with tools to cope, as well as physical health and stability to aid in the process.

My continued gratitude to SP and all of my friends here. Let's make this a year to remember.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WOLFSPIRITS 1/5/2010 5:36PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ZUZUBEE 1/5/2010 7:47AM

    You are a strong person! It's inspiring to hear that you are able to stay focused on your program with all that you have going on. Congratulations to you and yes, let's make this an awesome year for fitness! We all can do it!

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WINNINGSPARK 1/5/2010 3:06AM

    I love your attitude and your gratitude. Grief, in my experience is one of the hardest things we ever have to deal with and sometimes that anticipatory grief is even harder. Good for you for focusing on the coping tools you have and being willing to keep that core flame lit. My wish for you is that you be given whatever tools and strength you need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.

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SKYEFYR 1/4/2010 6:54PM

  Way to go Jesse!!!

Sounds like you're all geared up for success! Take me with you!!!

Seriously, here's to a fantastic year for both of us. This is the year we're going to lose it!

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KO1215 1/4/2010 3:36PM

    You have a great attitude! Keep it up!!

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