Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Okay, so I went on a 3-day eating bender last weekend after being a REAL good girl for 10 months now. It was a turning point where I just wanted to quit everything. And I blogged yesterday about what I learned from failure - including forgiving myself and letting it go. On Sunday, I met a friend I'd not seen for about a month and we were meeting to do a 5-mile walk around the lake. When she got out of her car, she exclaimed, "Look at you... wow! You're so thin!" Now, I'm not where I need/want to be, but her observation helped put everything into perspective as I realized that I needed to just let the days of pigging out go and concentrate how much better I'm feeling than 10 months ago. And that I really don't want to ever be fat again. Of course, I knew I was going to be paying the piper on the scale for this morning's weigh-in. But that's another story for another day - maybe tomorrow. (smiling) Thanks again to all of the great encouragement from my sparkfriends.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Okay, the pity party is over and I have learned as much from these past three days of "failure" as I have from my 9 months since starting a great, healthy eating program. As many of my sparkfriends who responded to my "I'm in trouble" blog reminded me, we're only human and there WILL be bumps in the road. I'd done so well for so long, that I thought I was somehow past the inevitable bumps. Not so. Throughout the 3 days, I also realized that I do not want to be fat again. Never was before this short period of time, and I don't want to be again. It's not healthy, comfortable, or fun. Yes, life WILL happen. It may happen in tidal waves as it's gone for awhile for me, but hey, I've weathered storms aplenty before and I can certainly do it again. I also learned that I really AM way too hard on myself. A very tough taskmaster and have to let up a bit. And not to make myself miserable over the past three days in the face of all the progress I've made. Tomorrow I'll be blogging about the lake walk I took on Sunday and how instrumental that was in turning things back in the right direction. When I got home from that walk, all of the great uplifting blog responses I read really sent me thinking about all of the things I've learned through this mini-storm of bad eating. Thanks to all who reached out - it is so very much appreciated. Oh, and another thing NOT to do during these times is to quit SP, blogging, or tracking. Before I get to the point again where I'm just so sick of it all, I'll just lighten up a bit. Have a fun day.
Sunday, August 09, 2009
After 9 months of dedicated hard work, I've spent the last three days totally rebelling. I don't know exactly what my problem is, but I do know this... I may or may not make it back on-track. I've not dealt effectively with my continuous stress level and things are piling up on me. Additionally, I've felt an urge to put this website on-hold for awhile as I'm tired of tracking food, tracking exercise and thinking constantly about healthier this and that. So, who knows? In the past 24 hours, for example, I've learned that my aunt is going blind, my brother is seriously ill, and I have had yet another slew of police cars down the street. No, I cannot move right now, so I'm feeling totally helpless as things fall apart all around me. Most of all, I'm tired of not being able to eat like a regular person. I feel like I've been punishing myself by putting all these healthier changes in my path and I sometimes just don't care in the face of so many more important things going on. I'm at the end of my rope with myself and I can tell you this - these three days of food have tasted soooo good, and I'm not sorry a bit. (NOTE: This was a tough blog to write and to admit to myself. Feel like I should be saying "my bad." )
Saturday, August 08, 2009
These past two days, I've fallen off the wagon and not cared. First time since I started last October. Just wild abandon. Everything just came to a head (including crime activity on my street with 4 police cars and a helicopter overhead), but I couldn't understand why I felt so out of control. Then I realized it's not only been a full moon, but also an eclipse which is said to be an even stronger pull. If this can affect the tides, and the human body is mostly water, stands to reason that we can be affected as well. I've always felt different during the full moon. Yikes, maybe I'm a werewolf and don't even know it! (smiling)
Friday, August 07, 2009
Okay, after non-stop bumps in the road for a longgggg time, and doing everything I can to get over it all, sometimes I just have to treat myself like a kid and use tough love. I've been in this last car (the one that is said to feel everything the worst) of life's roller coaster and have tried every which way to enjoy the ride and figure things out. Running out of steam, I reach points where I just want to give up. NOT in a destructive way, but just by quitting daily life and going to live in a cave. It's at times like these that I have to be stern with myself and stay seated until I'm thinking straighter. I can definitely say that I am headed toward a creative solution in life. Like, buying a little camper and visiting all 50 states, throwing "normal" life to the wind. After losing so many people and things over the past couple of years, I am less concerned with jobs, survival, etc. than I am with drinking life up in big gulps. (and there are no calories! smiling) Here's to all of my sparkfriends - wishing you a fun, healthy, and happy day.
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