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The Lake Walk & What I Learned from My 3 Days of Crash & Burn

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Okay, so I went on a 3-day eating bender last weekend after being a REAL good girl for 10 months now. It was a turning point where I just wanted to quit everything. And I blogged yesterday about what I learned from failure - including forgiving myself and letting it go. On Sunday, I met a friend I'd not seen for about a month and we were meeting to do a 5-mile walk around the lake. When she got out of her car, she exclaimed, "Look at you... wow! You're so thin!" Now, I'm not where I need/want to be, but her observation helped put everything into perspective as I realized that I needed to just let the days of pigging out go and concentrate how much better I'm feeling than 10 months ago. And that I really don't want to ever be fat again. Of course, I knew I was going to be paying the piper on the scale for this morning's weigh-in. But that's another story for another day - maybe tomorrow. (smiling) Thanks again to all of the great encouragement from my sparkfriends.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAZZYJUDE 8/11/2009 5:26PM

    GREAT blog my dear! Doesn't it just gives you the 'motor' to keep going when someone comments on you? YEAH!! It's ok to 'let down your hair' after 10 months of learning how to eat healthier. This may also be a good 'kick start' in moving forward too!

One day, I will take your offer in walking around that Lake. I haven't done a 5-mile walk all at once. I can do 3.5 miles though!

Keep the focus - you are doing fantastic!
emoticon Jazzy!!

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DDHEART 8/11/2009 10:55AM

    Perspective...........hard to maintain but so important.....that's partly what can lead us into those days of eating. Just went through a few of my own and yes, it's hard to shake it off and move on. Thanks for a good blog.

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HICALGAL 8/11/2009 10:34AM

    what's a few lbs compared to 10 months of taking care of yourself. glad you've got a new perspective...sometimes looking outside the box you see the whole picture. keep up the good work and rock on!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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What I Learned from the Past 3 Days of Crash and Burn

Monday, August 10, 2009

Okay, the pity party is over and I have learned as much from these past three days of "failure" as I have from my 9 months since starting a great, healthy eating program. As many of my sparkfriends who responded to my "I'm in trouble" blog reminded me, we're only human and there WILL be bumps in the road. I'd done so well for so long, that I thought I was somehow past the inevitable bumps. Not so. Throughout the 3 days, I also realized that I do not want to be fat again. Never was before this short period of time, and I don't want to be again. It's not healthy, comfortable, or fun. Yes, life WILL happen. It may happen in tidal waves as it's gone for awhile for me, but hey, I've weathered storms aplenty before and I can certainly do it again. I also learned that I really AM way too hard on myself. A very tough taskmaster and have to let up a bit. And not to make myself miserable over the past three days in the face of all the progress I've made. Tomorrow I'll be blogging about the lake walk I took on Sunday and how instrumental that was in turning things back in the right direction. When I got home from that walk, all of the great uplifting blog responses I read really sent me thinking about all of the things I've learned through this mini-storm of bad eating. Thanks to all who reached out - it is so very much appreciated. Oh, and another thing NOT to do during these times is to quit SP, blogging, or tracking. Before I get to the point again where I'm just so sick of it all, I'll just lighten up a bit. Have a fun day.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMYMLE 8/11/2009 11:58PM

I know there are other people in our cohort who hit the wall like you did, got sick and tired of the tedium of weighing/tracking/making good choices/planning meals, etc. They maybe got tired of getting the exercise they need, or life just overwhelmed them in other ways. The thing that sets you apart is that you didn't give up totally, you kept up with Sparking through the community and blogging. You worked your way through the doldrums and it sounds like you're sails are filling again. And I'm so glad you're learning to lighten up on yourself. Flylady ( as a friend that says, "If it's not fun, it won't get done." That applies in many areas of life, but certainly if we beat ourselves up for every infraction of a plan or program, and we ignore the progress we've made, what joy will we have? None. Just think of how far you've come! Way to go! Keep sparking!

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HICALGAL 8/11/2009 10:31AM

    it's a learning process for all of us. find your groove! emoticon

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I-8-2-MUCH 8/10/2009 2:16PM

    We have no choice - we have to eat. The fact that we know how to eat better doesn't make it any easier when we crave something we want. We all trip & fall on this road to health, but we get back up & dust ourselves off & keep going. You weathered the storm, be proud you came through it more determined to succeed. So dont worry if you trip up again because you know how to get back on your feet & thats all that really matters.

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SKYEFYR 8/10/2009 1:14PM

  Yay! So glad to hear you're pulling yourself out of the dumps. Keep coming back here for motivation and you'll be fine!

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S_HANSEN 8/10/2009 7:24AM

    Oh Jesse, I am so happy to read this blog.. I just responded to your other one, and am so happy that you have made the decision to stay on the path of being healthy. We all have our moments of insecurities and doubts that we can make this journey, but you took those doubts and turned them around in your favor! Great job! I am happy that you have come to some sort of peace. Hang in there. I wish you a happy, successful week.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticonSondra

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    I look forward to hearing about the lake. I'm glad you've learned so much about yourself, I'm even prouder that you are turning things around into positive. I hope this Monday morning brings around a realization that today is your day for a fresh start. Forget yesterday, today is the day you can do something about. Good luck!

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Sliding Down the Slippery Slope Pretty Fast & Rebelling Against Who Knows What?

Sunday, August 09, 2009

After 9 months of dedicated hard work, I've spent the last three days totally rebelling. I don't know exactly what my problem is, but I do know this... I may or may not make it back on-track. I've not dealt effectively with my continuous stress level and things are piling up on me. Additionally, I've felt an urge to put this website on-hold for awhile as I'm tired of tracking food, tracking exercise and thinking constantly about healthier this and that. So, who knows? In the past 24 hours, for example, I've learned that my aunt is going blind, my brother is seriously ill, and I have had yet another slew of police cars down the street. No, I cannot move right now, so I'm feeling totally helpless as things fall apart all around me. Most of all, I'm tired of not being able to eat like a regular person. I feel like I've been punishing myself by putting all these healthier changes in my path and I sometimes just don't care in the face of so many more important things going on. I'm at the end of my rope with myself and I can tell you this - these three days of food have tasted soooo good, and I'm not sorry a bit. (NOTE: This was a tough blog to write and to admit to myself. Feel like I should be saying "my bad." )

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HICALGAL 8/11/2009 10:29AM

    you're not alone. this happens to all of us. maybe you will or maybe you won't but i'll bet my last will get back on track becauser that's how your roll! emoticon

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S_HANSEN 8/10/2009 7:21AM

    Jesse, you are under so much stress. that I can feel it in your words. I hope that you sit back, take a deep breath and rest your mind before you make any rash decisions. What I know is that being healthy by exercising and eating right really helps with your stress levels. Having more energy helps with stress and your family issues. I know it seems overwhelming to track this and that all of the time, but soon enough it will become habit and you won't even think about it. As far as eating like a normal person, you are! the healthy way is normal, the other way is not. Our society has gotten Fat due to fast food and oversized portions coupled with no exercise. That is not normal. Hang in there and know that what you are doing to become healthier is important to you and your ability to deal with the stresses thrown at you at any given time. I am thinking of you and wishing you some peace this week. You do what you think is best for you, but I really want you to think about i.

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SMARTCHICK1 8/9/2009 6:10PM

    Life always happens, I usually think I am being punished for something I did wrong when all kinds of bad things happen. Just try to be gentle with yourself. You are allowed to be angry, its a natural emotion. No one is perfect all the time. Thank you for encouraging me when I needed it. I hope something that someone said helps, even just a little bit!

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TERIE93 8/9/2009 4:47PM

    Please take care of yourself during all you are going through and do what you can to releive your stressors. But, don't self destruct! : ) teri

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SKYEFYR 8/9/2009 2:53PM

  If you really feel you need a break you should take one. But I wouldn't recommend a complete break. Don't totally forget the healthy lessons you're learning here, because in the end it really is what's best for you.

If you feel all the logging of stuff and keeping track is too much to handle with all the other stress right now, let it go. Try and be mindful of what you eat and conscious of your feelings when you eat. But don't just fall headfirst into comfort foods and old habits. That will only make things harder on you in the long run.

We all have times when we feel we need a break. If you really need one, give yourself permission to take it. Just don't be gone too long. Remember, you have friends and supporters here, and we're here for more than just the "diet" stuff. And we'll worry about you if you disappear for too long! Let us know how we can help you and lean on us! We're here for you!

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SHOOTIN4STARS 8/9/2009 11:14AM

    I can so relate to all those feelings you expressed in this blog. Sometimes I take a step backward or two or three and that's okay. However, I never want to go back to where I started. Weighing as much as I did and being as unhealthy as I was is much more painful that any weighing and measuring, exercising or anything else I may have to do to maintain a somewhat healthy lifestyle. I know you'll turn this thing around because you care about yourself just like I do. Best wishes.


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WATERMELLEN 8/9/2009 9:02AM

    Sorry you are having a tough time with lots and lots going on. For me, weight gain tends to happen at times of extreme stress and anxiety when I turn to food to anaesthetize myself. Short term it's effective I suppose but mid to longer term it just contributes to my sense of helplessness, chaos, frustration and unhappiness. Had a recent health crisis February and put on almost 20 pounds -- and took them off (see my blogs if you like); so is life perfect now? Not so much, other problems with family members' health issues, work issues, generally life goes on but: my own health and wellbeing are better such that I'm better able to cope.

So long story short: abandoning SP now may not be the best strategy. It may help you more to reframe and recharacterize your efforts not as deprivation but as self-care which you need now more than ever BECAUSE life is so tough for you.

All the best; hang in.

Comment edited on: 8/9/2009 9:03:57 AM

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CELLEBRUCE 8/9/2009 8:53AM

    I'm so sorry that so many difficult things have been thrown in your path, all at once. I understand how you feel about just wanting to give up right now, because it just feels like added stress. I've been there.

Maybe it would be easier to stop tracking your food on sp but continue being aware of what and how much you eat. You don't need to deprive yourself just keep portions down. Try to continue exercising because that will help with your stress level. And try to get some good rest; not just sleep but actual rest also.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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EARLYBIRDM 8/9/2009 8:36AM

    Jesse - you certainly do have an awful lot of things crashing down on you at once. Some of them are things you can do nothing about. You need to separate those from the ones you have some control over and focus on one of those things at a time. You will work your way out of this.

I sometimes get overwhelmed with logging in my food every day, so on some days I do the "quick track" where you concentrate on eating 8 fruits and veggies, and just log that in on your nutrition page. Just be mindful of what you are eating and don't worry about logging in every bite. Come back to that when you are ready.

Please don't lose hope - and please stay on the site.


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RERE0814 8/9/2009 8:07AM

    Wow! It really sounds like you are going through a very difficult time. I know that it can get annoying tracking food everyday, but please don't give up. The key to success (as best as I can figure since I haven't succeeded, yet) is not to deny yourself the foods that you crave. Find ways to fit it in to your healthier lifestyle. Ask yourself, "Do I really want this?" and if you do, eat it. Try to eat less of it than you would have in the past, but have some. If you slip for a day, or two, or three...It happens, take a breath and try to refocus. Maybe you have been too strict on yourself for the past 9 months. It is not easy to stick with something when you are denying yourself what you really want. Don't give up, keep tracking and telling us all about your troubles so that we can help you stay focused!

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RUBYSNANA 8/9/2009 7:39AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
I'm sorry you are going through such a tough spot right now, but try not to be so hard on yourself. We all fall off our program sometimes, one of the great things about the program, because you can always get back on. Maybe not today, but soon. We are all hoping you will feel be less stressful and feeling better about yourself and your situation soon. Wendy

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RICH530 8/9/2009 7:39AM

    Wow, you have alot on your plate right now!! But don't give up! I agree that it sounds like you are being very hard on yourself. This is a journey but not a punishment. You, nor anyone else for that matter, can go forever not enjoying things that they love. All things in moderation. Work those treats into your day. You may have to be a bit creative but you can do it!!! As for exercise, nothing is better to try to control the stress than a bit of exercise. Think of it as relaxation! You can do this!! Take one day at a time, one step at a time!! We are all here for you what ever you need!! What better way to help you and your family than to be the healthiest you that you can be!! I will be sending you positive thoughts!! Please keep me updated on how you are doing!!
emoticon Lee

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GONNABESIZE12 8/9/2009 4:21AM

    You really sound like you have been too hard on yourself. we are not robots, not automatons! we are feeling, living, breathing, emtoional human beings.

Give in your yourself, and your needs. Things will level out. Being kind to your sdelf is a good start, and in that regard, eating healthy foods and getting a bit of exercise will keep you healthy and well.

Your body will thank yoi, as will your family for wishing to be healthy and happy you. You will get there. It is hard.

But I cheat too. I sneak a fewe treats and why not? We are living, and it is all part of life. Keep active, eat sensibly, but don't restrict yourself to the point of punishment, that is no good for you or anyone :0)

Cheer up my friend........... you cannot take the burdens from others and make them yours. Be gentle, be supportive, and be there, but leave something for YOU too. You deserve good things as much as anyone else.

I send reiki healing rainbows, love and blessings to you :0)

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I'll Blame It on the Full Moon

Saturday, August 08, 2009

These past two days, I've fallen off the wagon and not cared. First time since I started last October. Just wild abandon. Everything just came to a head (including crime activity on my street with 4 police cars and a helicopter overhead), but I couldn't understand why I felt so out of control. Then I realized it's not only been a full moon, but also an eclipse which is said to be an even stronger pull. If this can affect the tides, and the human body is mostly water, stands to reason that we can be affected as well. I've always felt different during the full moon. Yikes, maybe I'm a werewolf and don't even know it! (smiling)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HICALGAL 8/11/2009 10:26AM

    emoticonat the werewolf in you. emoticon

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JAZZYJUDE 8/8/2009 10:20PM

    Hey Jesse - it's cool to be 'off' schedule for the past couple of days. In fact, it's good for you to 'let go' and do things/eat differently. Then when you are ready to get back on the 'wagon', you will have a good 'jump start'.

Relax babe, as I've said before, you gotta live too! We can't be perfect at all times and it's not necessary to do so. So, here's to a great jump start when you are ready!
emoticon Jazzy!!

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RICH530 8/8/2009 10:00PM

    I like your way of thinking!!! :-) I am sure you will be back on track in no time!!!!
emoticon Lee

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ALEXSGIRL1 8/8/2009 11:13AM

    two bad days out of the year wont hurt you to much. brush yourself off and start again. emoticon

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Tough Love in the Last Car of the Roller Coaster

Friday, August 07, 2009

Okay, after non-stop bumps in the road for a longgggg time, and doing everything I can to get over it all, sometimes I just have to treat myself like a kid and use tough love. I've been in this last car (the one that is said to feel everything the worst) of life's roller coaster and have tried every which way to enjoy the ride and figure things out. Running out of steam, I reach points where I just want to give up. NOT in a destructive way, but just by quitting daily life and going to live in a cave. It's at times like these that I have to be stern with myself and stay seated until I'm thinking straighter. I can definitely say that I am headed toward a creative solution in life. Like, buying a little camper and visiting all 50 states, throwing "normal" life to the wind. After losing so many people and things over the past couple of years, I am less concerned with jobs, survival, etc. than I am with drinking life up in big gulps. (and there are no calories! smiling) Here's to all of my sparkfriends - wishing you a fun, healthy, and happy day.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CELLEBRUCE 8/8/2009 9:08AM

    I feel for your pain so strongly, but let me tell you from experience. Don't give up and live YOUR life as you want it. I failed to do so and it led me down a rough road for over 10 yrs. Now, I'm starting over and it's tough, but exciting to see who the new me is now!! Good luck!

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NOCALORIES 8/7/2009 5:55PM

    Hello! Thank you for being upfront and speaking your thoughts. We do not always like our thoughts;however if we type them and look at them we can look at ourselves and recognize the good that is ours. You are a magnificent lady who is most generous in her giving. Look around you and see the good that is available to you. You are essential to life. Life is being. Live today in the now of time.

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S_HANSEN 8/7/2009 3:23PM

    Have you ever read The Secret? I would suggest you do. I understand your feelings of giving up, but when you have feelings like that you are putting them out to the universe and they will come back to you. So, instead think of what you want in a positive light. You will get it back in the positive. I know that it sounds hokey, but it really works! Of course you can't just sit on the couch and wait for it, but the positive vibes help you to make the right decisions and move you forward in your life. I wish you all the best the world has to offer. You deserve it! Hang on tight, I see a huge drop coming up ahead and then it will level off... enjoy your weekend.

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RICH530 8/7/2009 3:05PM

    I can understand that feeling of wanting to give up. My life has not been going smoothly for a while and I feel exactly like that sometimes. But, hey, we know that what we really need to do is just look at things in a different light and find a new route to get to where we want to be!!! I love your creative solution to life!!!! I may try it myself!! Good luck to you!!!
emoticon Lee

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NEWBONNY 8/7/2009 2:07PM

I know just what you mean about wanting to just escape it all. I've often said I wish I could live live proactively instead of reactively. I guess it's just about our mindset. We are in charge of how we react to life and what it deals us. Sounds like your getting yourself into the right spot. Good for you.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend. I'll be camping with DH and three sons, so, not really escaping but good quality time with my most important people.

Take care,

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