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For My Departed Baby's B'day-Prologue to my Book

Thursday, November 15, 2012

I heard his first little cries from across the hallway, but when they saw my unexpected wakefulness from anesthesia, they quickly shut the doors. The glimpse I caught was of medical people surrounding my baby. I knew by his cries that he was of my flesh and blood. A mother knows these things.

I didn’t know why they didn’t want me to see him, but when my OB/GYN turned around to see me awake and inquisitive, his surprised look soon turned to a troubled one.
“Oh, I heard my baby’s first cries,” I said excitedly. I was already treasuring him after nine months of loving him in my womb. “What did I have?”

He looked somber. “You had a boy, but there’s a little problem.”

Undeterred and unconcerned, I was young, undaunted by difficulty. And as those with their lives ahead of them often feel, nothing was unfixable.

“Okay, well, we’ll help him, right?” I brightly offered, despite a bit of haziness remaining from the drug that mitigated the pain of childbirth.

Two days later, my son – Kevin James – died. Without having been allowed to see him, hold him, or say goodbye, my sorrow was unfathomable. Little did I know at that moment of his death just how absurd my life would be over my lifetime. I did not have the luxury of a crystal ball to look ahead, as I now have to look back.

A long, bumpy, crazy ride over decades of agony and ecstasy that one dares not try to make sense of, I figured that maybe writing about it would be cathartic. Maybe not. I think it dawned on me at the point when I lost Kevin – at the tender age of 18 – that my life would always be too cold for cacti.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2WHEELEDSHARON 11/18/2012 11:48AM

    Many hugs Jesse.

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IAM_HIS2 11/17/2012 10:20AM

    Jesse: What deep, deep sorrow you have the courage to express and share. What love, pain, sorrow your choice of words bring out from your heart. I know Jesse that this blog will touch others and I sincerely hope someone who needs healing, as well as you.

Please keep writing about this--I know your true friends want to share this with you the best we can. It is an honor to be able to hold you in our hearts and offer prayers and words of comfort to you. You see, many of us love you as a friend and want to be there for you.

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WALLAHALLA 11/16/2012 10:07PM

    I want to know more...more...more...

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DDHEART 11/16/2012 5:39PM

    emoticon Intrigued, saddened, wondering as others are if this is based in fact....if it is my heart aches...if it isn't...you are very very good at hooking a reader!

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MORTICIAADDAMS 11/16/2012 10:37AM

    I am wondering if this is actually your own experience as well. It is very sad.

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CARAFAE37 11/16/2012 10:09AM

    emoticon

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RYDERB 11/16/2012 10:01AM

    emoticon

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TIGGERJEAN 11/16/2012 8:39AM

    I'm torn between sorrow for your loss and admiration for your powerful writing style. I do hope that there is more to the story - you have me hooked.

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SIMPLELIFE4REAL 11/16/2012 7:37AM

    I'm kind of at a loss for words right now.....you are so right that our lives take lots of unexpected twists and turns. You write beautifully. It's amazing how writing can be so healing.

Thank you for sharing such a painful, life-changing part of your life with us. It reminds me of how we all have such complicated lives.

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FANGFACEKITTY 11/16/2012 6:59AM

    I'm so sorry for your loss.

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NANCY- 11/16/2012 5:32AM

    emoticon

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CHRIS3874 11/15/2012 8:57PM

    emoticon

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JLITT62 11/15/2012 8:01PM

    I'm with NATPLUMMER, hoping it's a novel. Otherwise big, big hugs.

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BARBIE176 11/15/2012 7:30PM

    What a heart breaking story. I am sorry for your loss and I can't imagine having a baby live for two days and not being able to even to see or hold him. Surely seems rather cruel. The death of a child definitely gives us a long road ahead of us. My son died when he was 15, and that was nearly 20 years ago. I am still walking the long road as I am sure you are. Praying you find comfort and peace from writing. As you know, they may be gone, but they will always live in our hearts. emoticon and prayers my friend.

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MARY1313 11/15/2012 6:59PM

    oh I can't imagine how much it hurt you not to get to hold him and kiss him. I'm so sorry that happened.

((((HUGS))))

Mary

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ALEXSGIRL1 11/15/2012 6:44PM

    I am so very sorry for your loss I hope the writting makes you feel a little better emoticon emoticon

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NATPLUMMER 11/15/2012 4:10PM

    A novel?

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Thermogenics. Thx OWNSMALLCLOTHES!

Monday, November 12, 2012

Yesterday, I read her blog about swimming in a cold pool and the principle of thermogenics, which I've heard about many times. My response to that blog was that I had to put on a sweater just reading about her cold temps! (smiling)

Then I researched on the internet and, of course, pros and cons about whether it's safe or not.

And although I can't and won't go to extremes, I DID remember it when I awoke to a cold house. Instead of bundling up, I let my body warm me up. I'll do this in baby steps as I really don't like being cold. That's why I originally moved to San Diego many years ago. (smiling)

Woohoo, though, because I could feel my body working and burning to keep me warm. I'll never have icicles dripping out my nose, but I will make an effort to not bundle up as I usually do during colder weather.

Wishing all a good day. And thanks again to all who are so supportive during my exciting time right now.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1BEACHWALKER 11/14/2012 9:55PM

    I hate the cold too!! I find now instead of bundling up (even in the house I get cold, if I sit too long) I get up and exercise. That does the trick. Would never get in a cold pool, although I have done it when I was a kid and your body does adjust...it is always the first plunge that gets you. We moved to Fl, like you did CA, to get away from the cold and will never go back to snow, ice and sub-zero temps!! No way! emoticon

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JILLYBEAN25 11/14/2012 2:15PM

    I had an unplanned exercises in how that works yesterday! Since I knew it was going to be hot during the day, I wore a flimsy, thin jacket to travel to practicum. At 6am it was freezing out!!! I could feel my body burning through energy just to stay warm in the 2 hours it takes me to get there. While waiting for my final bus, I have to sit outside about 25 minutes. I ended up doing jumping jacks and marching in place to stay warm. Hope that burned a lot 'cuz my nutrition wasn't so great that day.

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DDHEART 11/13/2012 1:52PM

    ROFL!!! Unfortunately, I will have icicles dripping from my nose in not too long....but I won't like it!!

I have read that even drinking your water cold will help to turn on the body furnace...I hate iced beverages though! LOL

Whatever works, keep melting the lbs!

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NANCY- 11/13/2012 7:49AM

    Now that's a way to stay warm. Keep moving!!!
emoticon

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ALEXSGIRL1 11/12/2012 8:28PM

    i dont like being cold either so awesome for you you are doing awesome at the weight loss

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WALLAHALLA 11/12/2012 3:13PM

    I read that blog as well. Brrrr. However, I do prefer to sleep in a cold room. I rest better that way.

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2WHEELEDSHARON 11/12/2012 1:35PM

    You do seem to be learning a lot of exciting new things. emoticon

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SPARKLINGME176 11/12/2012 1:17PM

    As I didn't see the blog, what was the temp. in the pool? How does she do it? Our pool is 50, outside 55. Just wondering! Thanks!
*~LIGHT

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LIVINGFREE19 11/12/2012 1:06PM

    I have to check out her blog. Now it really has my curiosity.
emoticon

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NATPLUMMER 11/12/2012 12:55PM

    Good luck!

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MORTICIAADDAMS 11/12/2012 12:50PM

    I don't get cold like other people do and like I did when I was thin. It's 42 and I was outside in short and a t-shirt earlier. LOL.

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Guess What? Another Lb Gone!

Sunday, November 11, 2012

To say I'm thrilled is an understatement. I'm on a roll and get on the scale now in order to see a number I haven't seen in about 7 years!!!!! Wooooooohooooo!

A big hug to all my sparkfriends for their wonderful support.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WALLAHALLA 11/11/2012 10:31PM

    emoticon for another pound lost. May it stay where it is and never return.

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DEBBY4576 11/11/2012 9:43PM

    Seven years!!!! Wow you are really really doing well. You must be as proud of you as we are!!!

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MORTICIAADDAMS 11/11/2012 9:10PM

    I am soooooooooooooooo happy for you!! You deserve this!!

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JILLYBEAN25 11/11/2012 7:04PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Too, too awesome!!! I'm so glad you busted through your plateau!!!

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CATLADY52 11/11/2012 7:00PM

    Just remember that 98% is up to you. emoticon

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LIVINGFREE19 11/11/2012 6:11PM

    I'm so happy I can be a part of this moment in your life!! So glad to hear it!!
emoticon emoticon

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CHRISTINASP 11/11/2012 3:56PM

    Congrats!

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2WHEELEDSHARON 11/11/2012 1:04PM

    Way ta go!

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SIMPLELIFE4REAL 11/11/2012 12:52PM

    emoticon That is great!!

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PRACHI17 11/11/2012 11:07AM

    Yay!!!! good job keep up the good work

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FANGFACEKITTY 11/11/2012 10:14AM

    emoticon emoticon

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NANCY- 11/11/2012 9:56AM

    You are just kicking it. emoticon
emoticon

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NATPLUMMER 11/11/2012 9:53AM

    emoticon

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RYDERB 11/11/2012 9:44AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Another Pound Gone Gone Gone

Thursday, November 08, 2012

Woohoo, another lb kicked to the curb.

Very excited.

Have a wonderful day.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2WHEELEDSHARON 11/10/2012 8:45AM

    Wow, Jesse, nicely done! Congrats and way to go!

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LJCANNON 11/9/2012 4:58PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon That is some FINE Kicking!!! Congratulations!!

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CATLADY52 11/9/2012 4:27PM

    emoticon

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NANCY- 11/9/2012 7:54AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ALEXSGIRL1 11/8/2012 7:28PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JILLYBEAN25 11/8/2012 4:35PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

Too fabulous to see those pounds go away!

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WALLAHALLA 11/8/2012 2:59PM

    Let's sing it...
Duh duh duh, another pound bit the dust
duh nuh Duh duh duh, another pound bit the dust
and another pounds gone
and another pounds gone
another pound bit the dust
hey, I'm gonna lose more too
another pound bit the dust...
emoticon emoticon


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NATPLUMMER 11/8/2012 1:48PM

    emoticon

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CARAFAE37 11/8/2012 11:26AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RYDERB 11/8/2012 11:03AM

    emoticon emoticon

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MORTICIAADDAMS 11/8/2012 10:06AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SIMPLELIFE4REAL 11/8/2012 9:19AM

    Awesome!!! That no/low carb thing must be working for you!

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08ESCAPE 11/8/2012 8:14AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LIVINGFREE19 11/8/2012 8:13AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Leave those Clocks Alone!

Monday, November 05, 2012

Enough with this time change! Just when I get used to it, it'll be time to "spring ahead." There's absolutely no reason to do this. Let's stick to Daylight Saving, how 'bout it?

Wishing all a happy day.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JILLYBEAN25 11/7/2012 2:46PM

    I hate the time changes. HATE. THEM.

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WALLAHALLA 11/6/2012 8:01PM

    I really don't care which time they choose, just pick one and stick with it.

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ALEXSGIRL1 11/6/2012 7:27PM

    I do know i am sleepier sooner emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MORTICIAADDAMS 11/6/2012 5:20PM

    I much prefer DST over Standard Time. They do it so children don't have to wait for the bus in the dark.

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LUCYJOY 11/6/2012 12:48PM

    Spring forward and leave it! I like my light to be later in the day.

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NELLJONES 11/6/2012 8:00AM

    Or stick to standard time?

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RUNNER12COM 11/6/2012 12:42AM

    I just miss Spring and Summer.

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LINDA! 11/6/2012 12:34AM

    I agree!

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DEBBY4576 11/5/2012 8:31PM

    One of the main things I like about Arizona, is it doesn't do the time change or DST. I really like it. When the babies were little in California, I had to put up with them being all out of sorts for at least a week.

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CATLADY52 11/5/2012 6:45PM

    I can remember the time when we turned back the clocks in the middle of October. Now it turns back so much later in the year that it almost seems like we aren't "Saving" any time at all. emoticon

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MEETSADMAMA 11/5/2012 6:37PM

    I find it's easier to get out of bed in the morning if I can see a bit of light. Dark makes me think it's too early and I can't seem to drag myself out of bed.

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LIVINGFREE19 11/5/2012 4:41PM

    This always screws me up for a few days after doing this...in the spring and in the fall!

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KANSASROSE67 11/5/2012 2:52PM

    It is hard but I'm excited about running in the daylight in the mornings again!

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NATPLUMMER 11/5/2012 2:09PM

    emoticon

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-LINDA_S 11/5/2012 12:11PM

    Well, I kinda agree, but it's awful dark in the mornings in DST time for kids who need to get to the bus stop and such. I would like it to stay light later at night, though.

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ALISHAB3 11/5/2012 11:34AM

    I agree. Why do they think we need to be jerked around like this?

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