Thursday, January 07, 2010
Thank God for a blog to vent to! If anyone is out there reading this, I am sorry in advance, it's going to he a negitave one, but this is a very theraputic way for me to get out my frustrations... hold tight it's going to be a bumpy ride.
First things first, how have I some how lost ALL my hope for the new year in the span of one week. I really was hyped up for the year and feel completely deflated and like nothing is going to change and I am going to just have to accept myself as a big fat non-loser (of weight). I have alot of goals for myself this year, which I posed a few blogs ago, awith rewards for reaching those goals and a plan and everything. It's so daunting and even though I have a clear path set out I can't seem to just get on to the path. I have 9 weeks before the 1st 5K I wanted to run but I can't seem to get weel enough to get to the gym. I decided to give myself this week to finish recovering but now I am anxious that I won't get the C25K done in the 9 weeks that are set out for it and I will miss my first goal of the year and throw all the other goals that build on that completely under the bus.
Second thing that is really causing my anxiety to sky rocket is my job. We are really slow right now and have very few trainings going on so the powers that be are trying to find work for us to do. So what did they find? A "refresher" on a product I am very familiar with with teachbacks to my peers. That may not sound so bad but when I train customers I am not self concious, when I mock train my coworkers to get practice, my anxiety instantly rages because they can be hyper critical. Everyone thinks they are an expert and working with a bunch of software trainers is possibly worse because we are supposed to be experts. That is looming out there in February but knowing it's there is killing me.
Third thing that is getting me all worked up is the fact that I am on anti-anxiety meds and CLEARLY they don't seem to be working by reading the previous two paragraphs. When I am anxious I can't stop worrying which then leads to depression and hopelessness. I really think I am mentally defective. Ugh, I am a total greese fire! I don't know what to do to get through this. That feeling of helplessness and not knoing how to fix myself makes me want to just stay at home in bed and never leave.
Wow, getting all of that off my chest is helpful. I haven't come up with any resolution for myself but just writing it all down and actually putting my thoughts into words makes it seem less intimidating. Only time will tell how this will work out I guess.
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
This year has not started out the way I had hoped. I had to call in to work sick yesterday and use one of my precious PTO days but having a fever and lovely sinus infection will do that. O am trying to be positive about this and not be discouraged that I didn't hit the ground running in 2010. I will rest more this week, maybe do 30 minutes of light cardio starting tomorrow and start next week with a bang. I built in an extra week for my C25K plan for my first 5K so I have used the grace period and need to get to it! All is not lost, I can still reach my goals even if a few little germies bring me down temporarily!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
This week has been goal setting week. And I feel I have made goals that are not only reasonable but also inspiring and life altering. I am afraid to make them all public but here goes!
Physical Goals (there are WAAAY more of these so it gets its own section):
Overall goal: Lose 80 lbs by 12/31/10 - 1.54lbs per week - Goal weight 150 lbs
10 - Hair cut/ color
20 - Massage
30 - Mani/Pedi Massage
40 - New Running shoes and stuff
50 - New outfit with shoes!
60 - Piercing or tattoo (not sure which)
70 - New SEXY outfit (and sexy shoes too!)
80 - First EVER bikini and beach vacation
How you might ask, this is my plan:
1. Train for 1st 5K - Starting C25K program next Monday! (I won't bore you with the WHOLE workout regimen I have established for myself, it's long!)
2. Run 1st 5k - St. Paddy's Day 5K March 14, 2010 Reward: iTouch
3. Run 2nd 5K - Ravenswood Run April 25, 2010 (it's one block away from my house, I almost have to do it!) Reward: Spa Day
4. Run 1st 8K - Run for Youth May 23, 2010 Reward: Kindle
5. Run HALF MARATHON (Gulp!!! This one scares me alot!!!) Chicago Half Marathon September 12,2010 Reward: Digital Camera
Financial, Mental, and Spiritual Goals:
1. Read at least one book per month.
2. Pay off all credit cards and establish savings.
3. Get back to Church and volunteer at Church Food Pantry.
4. Pack Lunch every day (when not traveling for work).
5. Plan out weekly meals and groceries eating out only 2 times (Brunch and Dinner ant the local haunts).
I am really excited to start this and feel like it's all very do-able and practical, not to mention that this all builds on itself. I shared this with a girlfriend at work and she wants to get in on the races with me and help push me along. We can do this. I just need to keep focused and positive. I can do it, I can do it!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I am feeling ueber-discouraged today and wanting to chuck it all in. When I started this journey to reinvent myself I had success at the beginning but now I feel completely stuck. I have gained 5 pound of the first 11 I lost (I'm hoping it's muscle, but my body seems to hate me) and the scale isn't budging. I know the scale isn't the ultimate be all end all of measuring weight loss, but nothing else is changing either. My clothes don't feel any less tight, my face doesn't show any difference, NOTHING. What is really bugging me is that I have been journaling my food intake and not going over my calorie limit, I do an hour of cardio per day and I have even added stregnth training 3 times a week to the routine to help boost my metabolism. I am really starting to get a complex that my body just doesn't want to be thin. Last year I had my thyroid tested to see if maybe that's why the weight wasn't coming off, but there wasn't anything wrong with it. When the doctor told me, I actually cried because I hoped I could have some reason for my lack of success. There is no reason why I should still be 230 lbs with all the work I am doing and have done.
I feel like giving up and not caring anymore but that just isn't me. My mom raised me to be a fighter and as much as I want to quit, I just can't. I don't know what is wrong and why I can't seem to lose the weight but I will just have to keep on psuhing through. Feeling sad is ok I guess but it seems to be overwhelming everything in my life right now. I don't want to be the girl who can't enjoy things because she's too worried about the calories or feels left out because she can't shop at the regular stores. I just don't know how to get there...
Monday, December 07, 2009
Ugh, so today is turning out to be one of those days. And by one of those days I mean one where I can't seem to keep my anxiety at a reasonable level to function at a normal pace. It's the time of year where I start freaking out about work (my company loves to lay off at the holidays!), gifts, money, not reaching my goals or keeping any resolutions (New Years is always so depressing for me because of that! Worst holiday for me since I was a kid.). To top off today, my head feels like there is an elephant stomping around inside of it making me REALLY not want to go to the gym. Sadly, I think the gym may be the solution. If I can go blow off some steam about life that should help the anxiety and getting the blood flowing should help my headache, but it is still the last thing I want to do. I realize that I am an emotional eater and when I feel down and out I end up wanting to go home and sit on the couch with my dogs and eat (they REALLY love me if I am eating something ). I will not give up, I must carry on and get to the gym. Things will seem better after, I am sure.
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