Sunday, February 06, 2011
Yesterday I had a bunch of sabotating thoughts centered around the scale. Actually it was more like doubt, self doubt, and confusion rather than real sabotage. I weighed in at Weight Watchers two full pounds above my weight the week before. I weighed 128.8 this Saturday morning and 126.8 last Saturday morning.
This past week I planned my food the night before using my WW three month journal, followed that plan, and then put my food into the nutrition tracker each evening to see how it did on SparkPeople. I did not deviate from my food plan. I exercised even more than the 6 hours cardio I had set out to do. Last week I had a calorie deficit of nearly 600 calories per day according to what I recorded. So I was very disappointed to have this gain. I kept thinking about it and thinking maybe I'm not eating enough. Maybe I should be eating all my activity points. Then I'd think no, I'm eating too much fruit. I'm not measuring my fruits and vegetables accurately enough (they are free on WW) so that I'm really eating a lot more than what I recorded. I need to be eating less. I need to get my new heart rate monitor out of the box and learn how to use it. Maybe I'm not burning near as many calories as I think. I argued with myself on and off all day. I finally decided to keep on doing what I'm doing for another week. It is undoubtedly a fluctuation. It will probably go away.
All this thinking and concern over my weight is silly. When I am eating good and exercising well I have nothing to worry about and should relax. Hmmm. Easier said than done. Although I don't think my current level of thinking is sabotaging -- I still feel very committed to healthy eating and exercise -- I do think if I don't get my weight in proper perspective I'm setting myself up for discouragement that could then sabotage my efforts.
The one sabotaging thought that I did identify that is more like Beck is looking for happened last evening. I was having 1/4 of a small cantaloupe for an evening snack. There was 1/2 a cantaloupe left, upside down on a plate in the refrigerator. I told myself that I didn't want to get out the cellophane and I might as well eat it all. It didn't matter. Wasn't many calories. Just too much trouble to reach down below the counter. Wait! Wait! I told myself it did matter and I would stick to the food plan. I got out the plastic wrap. No problem. Except ooops! The cantaloupe was good, but it was hard to cut with my spoon. When I brought the rind back into the kitchen I picked up a sharp knife and cut a little more orange flesh off the rind and ate it standing up. Ooops. I caught myself. Didn't mean to do that. I'm suppose to sit down to eat. Oh, well. Not perfect. Pretty good though. Eventually the scale will reward me -- it will, it will, it will.......
Saturday, February 05, 2011
One suggestion in chapter/day 24 is to add up the hours that you struggle. Beck's point is that often the struggle is between 20 minutes and 2 hours several times a week; most of the time the dieters are not struggling. I think this is a very good point. Back in 1986 or 87 when I just gave up the struggle and chose to gain weight rather than struggle any more, I wish I had added up my difficult hours. I'm sure it wasn't more than a small fraction of the time. This exercise helps put some perspective on whole issue of how difficult it is to lose or maintain weight.
One other important point in this chapter is not to think too far in the future. I remember thinking I can't keep this up the rest of my life. Well, that's not the point. I can keep it up this minute and if I take it minute by minute it will all add up.
So there are 2 very good points I was about to overlook. Day 25 is about sabotaging thoughts, Day 26 about types of thinking mistakes in these sabotaging thoughts and Day 27 has seven questions to analyze and correct the sabotaging thoughts. So, I need to be looking for current sabotaging thoughts in order to do my Beck work. I've only caught a couple of these thoughts so far. I'll be on the alert today!!
Yesterday I did make a mistake. I wrote I hadn't weighed 124 since 7th grade. That isn't true. I forgot that in 10th grade I lost 60 pounds, from 172 to 112. It took me 9 months to lose it and 3 months to gain it back with virtually no maintenance time. I might not always remember it just right, but it is true that I have struggled with my weight for years and years and years.
By the way, my daughter found several pictures of me at over 200 pounds back in 1998 and 99. They aren't digital, though, so if I want to post them I'll have to figure out how to get them scanned. She looked at one and said, "That doesn't even look like you, mom." And then there was a series of pictures of me attending her performance of "L'il Abner" in high school. She said that I just looked really blown up and bloated in them. I'll try to get one or two posted when I can.
Friday, February 04, 2011
I would have greater use for a chapter on dealing with euphoria than a chapter dealing with disappointment!! I mean overall I'm just thrilled to be where I am. even if I'm .8 pounds over my happy weight. Today this chapter does not apply to me very well.
However, it did happen to me. In the mid 80's I lost 50 pounds and got down to my goal at that time, 143. I stayed there about 6 months and gained up to 155. My doctor said that was okay and that became my new goal. I stayed around that weight for about a year. I can still picture where I was when the thought occurred to me that it was just too hard, that I could not keep it up. I was taking on a much more responsible and stressful job and thought that in order to be successful I just could not be focused on eating and exercise. Then I adapted a new rule. I said I could eat anything I wanted as long as I did not binge, and I knew exactly what I meant by binget. For the next five years I did not binge once. However, I gained 10 pounds a year for 5 years. I know I must guard against such thinking. For one thing it is faulty thinking. In my twenties I learned how to comfort myself and quit depression eating. In my sixties I'm finally learning how to calm myself and quit anxious eating.
I read my advantages response card, my sit down to eat card, NO CHOICE card, It's Not Okay to Eat Unplanned Food card, and my Get Back on Track cards twice.
I ate slowly every time.
I gave myself credit for helpful eating behaviors (and activity) repeatedly. I enjoyed the way my body feels thin.
I did spontaneous exercise.
I did a great cardio and strength training workouts.
I monitored my eating in writing right after I ate.
I said oh, well, I'd like to eat more at this buffet but I'd rather live at my happy weight.
I did not weigh myself yesterday, but I did this morning, and I will report it to my diet coach. (Hey, Val, I weighed 126.8 this morning. Only .8 over my happy weight.)
I caught a sabotaging thought first thing this morning. I woke up thinking I feel skinny. Maybe I weigh 124. This is fantasy thinking. I haven't weighed 124 since 1978 on a fast and I only weighed that or below -- got down to 121 -- for three starving weeks. (Before that I hadn't been 124 since 7th grade.) I stopped. I did my Beck. I said to myself day before yesterday when I weighed I was 127.2. Today I will weigh between 125.2 and 129.2. I couldn't stop other thoughts like "but I weighed 125.4 just a few days ago. I could be 124. No, you ate out last night and had more sodium than usual. It is more likely you are up. No, I feel thin. Today I will weigh between 125.2 and 129.2. Yeah. Okay. We'll see." Getting more tuned into this internal dialog is a hoot! Man I argue with myself a lot and never really realized it!!
The next sabotaging thought was about how much fruit I can eat this morning. On Weight Watcher fruit is free and I frequently just put "fruit" on my meal plan. I think I need to specify amount so that it is NO CHOICE and I don't struggle over whether to have1 or 2 or 3 or 4 servings. This morning I had three. Two is enough. Not a big mistake. I'll be fine.
Thursday, February 03, 2011
Some people think dieting, having to limit their food intake, is unfair. I don't currently have those thoughts. In fact, I often give thanks that I'm 5'6". I know that 1200 calories is the minimum recommended even if you are only 4'9". If 1200 was my planned amount and I would gain on 1300 I'm not sure I would have ever lost the weight. It seems like whatever my target calorie range, I'd usually go just a little over. I think about those people with RA and other painful conditions. Jhadhzia is an example of one who workouts through pain. My hero! I workout and feel good. How lucky am I??!!
My own feelings of unfairness are mostly around all the minutes, hours, days, months, years I spent so ashamed of myself and my behavior. I think of all I missed out on due to fat -- prom painfully comes to mind. I try not to blame my mother for raising me fat. I know she did the best she knew to do and never meant me harm. (I was put on my first diet at one year of age, skim milk.) It is unfortunate that my mother was absolutely convinced that some very unhelpful beliefs were accurate in regard to food and dieting.
I'm not quite ready to say, "Oh, well." I was raised fat. I had poor role models. I was taught all wrong thinking about dieting and food. OH, well, oh well, oh well. Not sure I've quite got it. The pain of the fat years is still very stinging. I need to let it go. It isn't fair that I grew up fat, that I was taught bad eating before I had the ability to know any better. It isn't fair that I didn't have a prom date and that I spent many, many hours feeling so bad and undesirable. It is bad that no adult close to me understood how the fat limited my teen and early adult life; that the expectations for me were so unrealistically high and oppressive.
I want now to say that it all brought me here. That it is all my life. I wouldn't change a thing. But I'm not there yet. I've read some amazing revelations from other Sparkers who went through abuse and far worse than I experienced. I've read of amazing forgiveness and acceptance. I can get there, too.
As far as Beck goes, I don't use unfairness as an excuse for eating now. But the chapter made me realize I'm still working through the unfairness of my fat youth.
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Day 22: This morning I weighed 127.2 for the second day in a row. Part of me thinks that is strange since I weighed 125.4 earlier this week. I have not strayed from my food plan one bite. I have not gone over the recommended sodium limit either. However, I know weight fluctuates and I know a lot of the reasons why it does. So, as Beck recommends, I look at my weight and say, "Oh, well." I wish it were 126, but it will just take another couple days to get there. Truly I am on my way. I am doing great! Actually, this close to goal and having come so far it is pretty easy to be optomistic, but I'm still determined!!! That is what Beck says to do, face disappointment with "Oh, well."
Sabotaging thought: I did catch myself with a sabotaging thought earlier today. I considered adding coffee creamer to my coffee this morning - I was thinking that it really wouldn't matter. I wasn't home and didn't have access to skim milk. I said to myself, "It does matter. I do not want to strengthen my giving in muscle. NO CHOICE," it isn't on the food plan today! Give myself credit!!!
Planning: I also recognize that I need to do a better job of planning my meals in the evening. They are ending up too plain. I was better at grabbing a spice or not too caloric-too full of sodium sauce or something to make my meal tasty when I didn't plan. Plain eating is good, but too much of it is going to make me feel deprived. I need to spend a little more effort on the meal planning.
Anxiety around food: I have less anxiety when eating food when I plan ahead. The "No Choice" attitude does reduce anxiety. I find the planning anxiety-producing, however. I have often eaten in response to anxiety. I want foods to be perfect. I want fish to have no heavy metals and produce no pesticides. I want my food plans to be perfect. There is no such thing. Oh, well.
Correction: I realize that yesterday I might have given the impression to blog readers that Beck is advocating daily weighing. She actually recommends weekly weighing for most people, but says that for some daily weighing desensitizes to the scale.
Other observations: I lost weight by eating often and preventing hunger. I am becoming a more normal eater by learning to deal with hunger when I need to do so. Hunger really is not an emergency.
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