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Beck - Day 23 - Dealing with Unfairness

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Some people think dieting, having to limit their food intake, is unfair. I don't currently have those thoughts. In fact, I often give thanks that I'm 5'6". I know that 1200 calories is the minimum recommended even if you are only 4'9". If 1200 was my planned amount and I would gain on 1300 I'm not sure I would have ever lost the weight. It seems like whatever my target calorie range, I'd usually go just a little over. I think about those people with RA and other painful conditions. Jhadhzia is an example of one who workouts through pain. My hero! I workout and feel good. How lucky am I??!!

My own feelings of unfairness are mostly around all the minutes, hours, days, months, years I spent so ashamed of myself and my behavior. I think of all I missed out on due to fat -- prom painfully comes to mind. I try not to blame my mother for raising me fat. I know she did the best she knew to do and never meant me harm. (I was put on my first diet at one year of age, skim milk.) It is unfortunate that my mother was absolutely convinced that some very unhelpful beliefs were accurate in regard to food and dieting.

I'm not quite ready to say, "Oh, well." I was raised fat. I had poor role models. I was taught all wrong thinking about dieting and food. OH, well, oh well, oh well. Not sure I've quite got it. The pain of the fat years is still very stinging. I need to let it go. It isn't fair that I grew up fat, that I was taught bad eating before I had the ability to know any better. It isn't fair that I didn't have a prom date and that I spent many, many hours feeling so bad and undesirable. It is bad that no adult close to me understood how the fat limited my teen and early adult life; that the expectations for me were so unrealistically high and oppressive.

I want now to say that it all brought me here. That it is all my life. I wouldn't change a thing. But I'm not there yet. I've read some amazing revelations from other Sparkers who went through abuse and far worse than I experienced. I've read of amazing forgiveness and acceptance. I can get there, too.

As far as Beck goes, I don't use unfairness as an excuse for eating now. But the chapter made me realize I'm still working through the unfairness of my fat youth.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KALIGIRL 2/3/2011 9:00PM

    Positive, cathartic blog.
emoticonfor sharing - you're on your way to letting go!

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WATERMELLEN 2/3/2011 8:33PM

    This is such a powerfully honest blog. Unfairness really does sting. And it's so hard to bear the memories of past unfairness-- fat related or otherwise -- or even the current unfairness that some people seem to be able to eat whatever they like, or not exercise, and nevertheless don't look fat. (They may not be "healthy" from a cardiovascular perspective -- but they aren't stigmatized or ostracized!). So why can't I eat a giant bag of potato chips every day? And french fries with my cheeseburger (not that I can or do eat a cheeseburger very often either!!).

Oh well oh well oh well. I'm practising this one. Hope it becomes more persuasive/convincing with repetition! Because just as sitting down to eat may be the core action, I'm suspecting that "getting over" unfairness may be the core attitudinal change.



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RAYLINSTEPHENS 2/3/2011 4:19PM

    At some point I let it go. Being obese in elementary school was not fun - and yet I knew fatter children that were happier and better adjusted because they were accepted by their parents and thought of as wonderful and beautiful.

I had a parent that although I was loved, I was also shamed daily for my size. As though I was responsible for the food being brought into the house and put on my plate.

One day you wake up and realize that if the worst that can be said is, "Linda is fat" - then "Linda" did pretty darn good. I'd rather be known as fat than as a thief or a liar. The day I accepted my fat self is the same day I found true happiness.

Now I have it all! You will too!!

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JOHAL52 2/3/2011 12:23PM

    Wonderful blog Marsha. I would have been very happy to have grown another three inches to 5'6! Or to have had a few of my 5'3" inches allotted to my legs :)
And I can certainly relate to your feelings about mom. From my birth, when mom thought I should be a "bonnie baby" and fed me mashed potatoes with plenty of butter.... Well, I understand. And we are NOT our pasts, we learn from them :)

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AQUAGIRL08 2/3/2011 12:04PM

    You are very wise to evaluate where you've been and where you are now. If you don't know why something occurred it's hard to fix it. I think you've been brutally honest with yourself. That takes away all the excuses and lets you see the "why" of things. Kudos to you Marsha!

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MEXGAL1 2/3/2011 10:13AM

    Good for you to look at everything and evaluate where you are today and where you came from. I really can identify with your journey as I was a fat teen as well. Very painful. There was not near enough education and help back when I was growing up. I sometime wish that I had known then what I know now as I am sure I could have done things differently. And now just getting ready to turn 59 years old this month I see my sagging skin and know that had I lost and kept the weight off earlier in my life it wouldn't be so droppy.
But we have to love our bodies and treat them with respect which means to eat right to be healthy and strong.
Best of everything to you. You sure are beautiful now with a beautiful family.
Sallie

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JHADZHIA 2/3/2011 10:00AM

    Even though my diet was unhealthy growing up, I wasn't fat. Staples would be mac & cheese, hot dogs, hamburgers, etc. and pop. Sweetened cereal and 2 % milk.
I am responsible for getting fat as I did it in my 20's when I was responsible for my own food. I was eating what I had learned though. I missed my prom due to being in the hospital with a collapsed lung. I have no regrets, I had no friends and would have been a wall flower anyway, insulted and teased by others.. I gave up pop on my own. One day I simply got sick of it and couldn't stand it any more. I don't miss or crave it.
I never much liked meat and so it wasn't hard giving it up, but pasta and cheese were huge staples. My lifestyle change has been gradual, in bits and pieces long before I found Sparks. Was sorry it took 28 years to get it right lol.
Here is to making our twilight years the best they can be..

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HAPPYSOUL91 2/3/2011 9:58AM

    excellent blog, your series is fantastic

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Beck - Dealing with Disappointment

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Day 22: This morning I weighed 127.2 for the second day in a row. Part of me thinks that is strange since I weighed 125.4 earlier this week. I have not strayed from my food plan one bite. I have not gone over the recommended sodium limit either. However, I know weight fluctuates and I know a lot of the reasons why it does. So, as Beck recommends, I look at my weight and say, "Oh, well." I wish it were 126, but it will just take another couple days to get there. Truly I am on my way. I am doing great! Actually, this close to goal and having come so far it is pretty easy to be optomistic, but I'm still determined!!! That is what Beck says to do, face disappointment with "Oh, well."

Sabotaging thought: I did catch myself with a sabotaging thought earlier today. I considered adding coffee creamer to my coffee this morning - I was thinking that it really wouldn't matter. I wasn't home and didn't have access to skim milk. I said to myself, "It does matter. I do not want to strengthen my giving in muscle. NO CHOICE," it isn't on the food plan today! Give myself credit!!!

Planning: I also recognize that I need to do a better job of planning my meals in the evening. They are ending up too plain. I was better at grabbing a spice or not too caloric-too full of sodium sauce or something to make my meal tasty when I didn't plan. Plain eating is good, but too much of it is going to make me feel deprived. I need to spend a little more effort on the meal planning.

Anxiety around food: I have less anxiety when eating food when I plan ahead. The "No Choice" attitude does reduce anxiety. I find the planning anxiety-producing, however. I have often eaten in response to anxiety. I want foods to be perfect. I want fish to have no heavy metals and produce no pesticides. I want my food plans to be perfect. There is no such thing. Oh, well.

Correction: I realize that yesterday I might have given the impression to blog readers that Beck is advocating daily weighing. She actually recommends weekly weighing for most people, but says that for some daily weighing desensitizes to the scale.

Other observations: I lost weight by eating often and preventing hunger. I am becoming a more normal eater by learning to deal with hunger when I need to do so. Hunger really is not an emergency.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOHAL52 2/3/2011 12:23PM

    That happened to me this morning--weighed 137 when yesterday I weighed 135.4. Oh well and go figure emoticon

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AQUAGIRL08 2/3/2011 12:06PM

    I lose weight by eating often to prevent hunger too.

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NOTFATCAT 2/3/2011 11:11AM

    Training ones mind to be different is difficult and, I believe, never ending.
Don't fuss over the scale but take it as a sign that you should pay extra attention to your food consumption and exercise for the next few days.
I am in the weigh daily camp as I believe it helps me catch this little up days so I can redirect myself. It also allows me to celebrate those down days that I may have missed if I hadn't weighed.
Good luck. You are doing great.

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SUGARBABY60 2/3/2011 1:08AM

    emoticon emoticon

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JHADZHIA 2/2/2011 10:27PM

    That is awesome not giving into hunger or extras.. I would think spicing (lots of non sodium alternatives out there) is allowed in meal plans. Should be no reason for boring foods...

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WATERMELLEN 2/2/2011 8:06PM

    This is so specific, it really zeroes in on what you're doing. The weigh-in disappointment: even when we "know" that weight fluctuates, we want the lower weight. The sabotaging creamer!! Tne planning anxiety. I'm not pre-planning my meals just yet but I do in fact eat pretty much the same thing every day anyhow. I'll be interested to see how that works when the time comes . . .

Thanks for your encouragement about my baby steps on the sitting down and eating mindfully: a pretty good day today but have to say, did not eat any meals alone as it turned out. DID eat all sitting down (except for one licked vanilla yogourt spoon!!), did eat slowly and mindfully. Will this ever be "natural"?

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RAYLINSTEPHENS 2/2/2011 4:36PM

    You are a work in progress! You are shaping the inner you!

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OPHELIA105 2/2/2011 3:24PM

   
'Hunger really is not an emergency' - I love this. It reminds me of before I lost weight - when being hungry seemed like such a panic. If I was hungry I HAD to eat NOW!!

After quite a bit of hard work my brain has finally accepted that being hungry is not a HUGE issue. In fact it can be quite nice to have an appetite.

And as for perfection - I think if we get it right 80% of the time then thats a good thing.


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Beck - Day 21 - Getting Ready to Weigh In

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Beck says when you weigh you should not say to yourself that you want to weigh a specific weight. She suggests you say to yourself that yesterday you weighed ______ pounds and today you will weigh .5 - 2 pounds more or less than that weight.

Usually I do wish for a weight. I see that sets you up for disappointment. Today I told myself, yesterday I weighed 126.2 ( I couldn't help but also think that the day before I weighed 125.4) and I haven't binged - in fact I stuck to my food plan for the last two days perfectly - so I will weigh 128.2 or less. I weighed 127.2.

I was not really disappointed. In my old mindset I would have been. My weight just confirms for me that if I want to live at my happy weight of 126, it is not yet time to add more calories. SparkPeople already added calories to my nutrition tracker. I'll need to manually adjust it back down.

I believe that this is probably the first time I have come close to using the scale as a tool.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HAPPYSOUL91 2/2/2011 11:15AM

    I believe this is excellent advice, everytime I am really specific and don't get the number, I start to feel bad about myself.

So, I get on the scale, mark it down in my spread sheet and use it to analyze the time between weights. Actually by weighing everyday I am amazed at how I can go up and down 2.5 lbs.

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HAWKEYERANT 2/2/2011 10:08AM

    I get on the scale for official weigh-ins once a week (Weds), and sometimes maybe twice a week? I jump on just to check on how I'm doing. Sometimes it's a motivator not to keep eating that night when I don't need to, and sometimes it's a motivator to get me out the door exercising the next day. I usually get on it and I don't look and think,, ughhhh I'm 12x, and I wish I was 11x. I get on there and think - what can I do to get as much pounds off before my weigh in day? I think that you (and Beck) have the right idea about it - we should shoot for just less than we were before. We shouldn't make it into a numbers game!

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JHADZHIA 2/2/2011 1:13AM

    I do not agree with daily weigh ins, there are just too many fluctuations and can lead to micromanaging. These scales that measure fractions aren't doing anyone any favors -there is a Spark article do not become a slave to the scale I believe...
A tool is a healthy way to look at it.. Beck has great ideas..

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KALIGIRL 2/1/2011 10:07PM

    emoticonSo proud of YOU for using the scale as a tool!
You HAVE arrived!

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INTHELOOP 2/1/2011 9:55PM

    Just dropping by to see how you are doing - I enjoy your posts!
Here's a scale obsession story from this morning.

I decided I was going to take a picture of my toes framing the "number" - I stepped on and realized just how ugly the linoleum floor was - so I decided to move the scale to the colorful throw rug - To my surprise it weighed me 5.5 lbs lighter! Ok, back to reality - I did take the picture for the vision board...lol and this experiment may have cost me new flooring and a pedicure.

emoticon

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JOHAL52 2/1/2011 9:31PM

    I just posted my blog and I am down 1.6 pounds. Can't figure that one out at all except that scales are funny things.

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WATERMELLEN 2/1/2011 7:43PM

    This "disappointment around weighing" is something that I really need to learn about . . . nice to have you leading the "weigh"!!

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RAYLINSTEPHENS 2/1/2011 6:17PM

    it is not an exact science - I had to quit adding extra calorie burns when I realized they are already configured in with the 1.2 of the BMR

you will figure it all out. of this I have no doubt.

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BIKE82X 2/1/2011 3:51PM

    That sounds like a good mindset. A happy weight and good feelings about your body & energy level are the best scales!

Thanks for sharing the information from the Beck program. It sounds worthwhile.

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Beck - Day 20 - Get Back on Track

Monday, January 31, 2011

My response card:
I will do the best I can each day to eat right and live healthy. I will count and be proud of my binge free days. When I overeat or don't follow my food plan, I will think through what happened and try to learn from it. I will stop overeating/noncompliance as soon as I can, forgive myself, and recommit to my program. I'll grab a glass of water, walk (if appropriate - like not 3am), track what I ate the best I can, Spark, read Beck books/cards, and otherwise demonstrate my commitment tohealthy eating for a healthy life.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AQUAGIRL08 2/1/2011 11:44AM

    Good job Marsha!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HAPPYSOUL91 2/1/2011 11:03AM

    Excellent! If we follow this, we will be winners in this weight reduction game

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WATERMELLEN 2/1/2011 7:52AM

    Well done! Good job!! (I'm giving you full credit -- and you are doing awesome). Day 20 and this getting back on track when (not if -- it's inevitable) we deviate has to be one of the most difficult and important techniques to be learned.

Sooooo glad you've introduced me to this. Thank you!!

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1BEACHWALKER 2/1/2011 3:35AM

    Good for you! Sounds like an interesting program. Keep going!! emoticon

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JHADZHIA 2/1/2011 1:07AM

    Being mindful of your lifestyle is very important. I don't do it nearly enough.
Keep up the fabulous work!

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JOHAL52 1/31/2011 9:44PM

    Amen sister, amen!!!!

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SNOOKUMS19 1/31/2011 4:58PM

    Those sound like great words to live by! I'll work on doing the same!

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KALIGIRL 1/31/2011 1:07PM

    Great way to stay accountable!

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Catching Up - Beck Day 16-19

Sunday, January 30, 2011

I've been so busy celebrating my new weight that I forgot to blog about my progress in Beck, but I am doing it.

Day 16 - I wrote out the "NO CHOICE" card to help me prevent unplanned eating. I am writing down my meal plans each evening. Yesterday the only thing I added was one tablespoon of vinegar that I had forgotten to write down to go with the oil on my salad. I wrote "veggies - probably green beans," but I had cooked carrots left from the roast and ate them instead. I had written "popcorn, if hungry." I really preferred a grapefruit, so I allowed that substitution. I think I'm doing fine, but I would like to get even closer to following my plan. I;m not sure if it is okay to write "fruit, if hungry." I've been doing that and like it, but may have to think whether that behavior will help me learn to think like a thin person.

I already blogged about Day 17 - End Overeating.

Day 18 - Change your definition of full. For one month I am to stop and think whether I could take a brisk 20 minute walk after I eat. If not, I'm too full. I'm doing it and so far have not come close to not being able to walk. I question whether this is a good measure. I think I could overeat and still walk 20 minutes. Maybe it ought to be a jog.

Day 19 - Stop Fooling Yourself - My response card: It's not okay to eat unplanned food. Every time I give in to spontaneous eating I strengthen my giving in muscle. When I resist I strengthen my resistence muscle. I can eat most nutritiously and wisely if I plan my meals and stick to my plan.

Area for improvement: I identify that I walk around drinking RoBarr or decaf even when it has skim milk in it. I am suppose to sit down for all eating, and I guess that means drinking, too, although I am going to allow myself to drink water any time, standing or not.

Giving myself credit: I am doing good in learning that hunger is not an emergency and I can withstand hunger. I even went to bed hungry a couple nights ago. I was afraid I would wake up and binge, but I slept fine, woke up and had a normal breakfast with no problem. I realize how much defensive eating I was doing, worried that I might get hungry, when it makes more sense for the most part to deal with the hunger rather than the fear of hunger.

So glad I'm on this journey. Delighted that Val and Ellen are joining me. Maybe more people will come along!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOHAL52 1/31/2011 11:57AM

    Cough, cough, cough. I am still here emoticon

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AQUAGIRL08 1/31/2011 11:49AM

    Fantastic job Marsha! You are learning so much that you can actually use right away and keep using.

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HAPPYSOUL91 1/31/2011 10:54AM

    I love that you are doing this....you learn and then I learn!

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JHADZHIA 1/31/2011 12:16AM

    I agree with you on 18, walking is too easy, in fact, if I feel I ate too much, getting out and walking makes me feel better!! I am fortunate I don't feel hungry in between meals, but lately, I have been giving into boredom snacking. So 19 is my issue right now...
Good luck with it!!

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KALIGIRL 1/30/2011 6:31PM

    Great info emoticon
emoticonon reaching your happy weight

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WATERMELLEN 1/30/2011 6:08PM

    It's great to have you going ahead, blazing the trail!! You're hitting on the stuff that I know will be challenging!!

I won't be eating standing up (that will be tough) but I'm thinking drinking (water etc.) has to be ok. Apparently Beck permits herself to eat raw vegetables while preparing dinner. And she suggests that you modify your diet in advance -- so I'm thinking that planning to eat fruit "if hungry" (and of course within the allotted calorie range) should be fine. That's the way I plan to handle my yogourt snacks: "if hungry".



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RAYLINSTEPHENS 1/30/2011 6:01PM

    WTG Marsha! You are really making miracles happen!!

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