Thursday, February 03, 2011
Some people think dieting, having to limit their food intake, is unfair. I don't currently have those thoughts. In fact, I often give thanks that I'm 5'6". I know that 1200 calories is the minimum recommended even if you are only 4'9". If 1200 was my planned amount and I would gain on 1300 I'm not sure I would have ever lost the weight. It seems like whatever my target calorie range, I'd usually go just a little over. I think about those people with RA and other painful conditions. Jhadhzia is an example of one who workouts through pain. My hero! I workout and feel good. How lucky am I??!!
My own feelings of unfairness are mostly around all the minutes, hours, days, months, years I spent so ashamed of myself and my behavior. I think of all I missed out on due to fat -- prom painfully comes to mind. I try not to blame my mother for raising me fat. I know she did the best she knew to do and never meant me harm. (I was put on my first diet at one year of age, skim milk.) It is unfortunate that my mother was absolutely convinced that some very unhelpful beliefs were accurate in regard to food and dieting.
I'm not quite ready to say, "Oh, well." I was raised fat. I had poor role models. I was taught all wrong thinking about dieting and food. OH, well, oh well, oh well. Not sure I've quite got it. The pain of the fat years is still very stinging. I need to let it go. It isn't fair that I grew up fat, that I was taught bad eating before I had the ability to know any better. It isn't fair that I didn't have a prom date and that I spent many, many hours feeling so bad and undesirable. It is bad that no adult close to me understood how the fat limited my teen and early adult life; that the expectations for me were so unrealistically high and oppressive.
I want now to say that it all brought me here. That it is all my life. I wouldn't change a thing. But I'm not there yet. I've read some amazing revelations from other Sparkers who went through abuse and far worse than I experienced. I've read of amazing forgiveness and acceptance. I can get there, too.
As far as Beck goes, I don't use unfairness as an excuse for eating now. But the chapter made me realize I'm still working through the unfairness of my fat youth.
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Day 22: This morning I weighed 127.2 for the second day in a row. Part of me thinks that is strange since I weighed 125.4 earlier this week. I have not strayed from my food plan one bite. I have not gone over the recommended sodium limit either. However, I know weight fluctuates and I know a lot of the reasons why it does. So, as Beck recommends, I look at my weight and say, "Oh, well." I wish it were 126, but it will just take another couple days to get there. Truly I am on my way. I am doing great! Actually, this close to goal and having come so far it is pretty easy to be optomistic, but I'm still determined!!! That is what Beck says to do, face disappointment with "Oh, well."
Sabotaging thought: I did catch myself with a sabotaging thought earlier today. I considered adding coffee creamer to my coffee this morning - I was thinking that it really wouldn't matter. I wasn't home and didn't have access to skim milk. I said to myself, "It does matter. I do not want to strengthen my giving in muscle. NO CHOICE," it isn't on the food plan today! Give myself credit!!!
Planning: I also recognize that I need to do a better job of planning my meals in the evening. They are ending up too plain. I was better at grabbing a spice or not too caloric-too full of sodium sauce or something to make my meal tasty when I didn't plan. Plain eating is good, but too much of it is going to make me feel deprived. I need to spend a little more effort on the meal planning.
Anxiety around food: I have less anxiety when eating food when I plan ahead. The "No Choice" attitude does reduce anxiety. I find the planning anxiety-producing, however. I have often eaten in response to anxiety. I want foods to be perfect. I want fish to have no heavy metals and produce no pesticides. I want my food plans to be perfect. There is no such thing. Oh, well.
Correction: I realize that yesterday I might have given the impression to blog readers that Beck is advocating daily weighing. She actually recommends weekly weighing for most people, but says that for some daily weighing desensitizes to the scale.
Other observations: I lost weight by eating often and preventing hunger. I am becoming a more normal eater by learning to deal with hunger when I need to do so. Hunger really is not an emergency.
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Beck says when you weigh you should not say to yourself that you want to weigh a specific weight. She suggests you say to yourself that yesterday you weighed ______ pounds and today you will weigh .5 - 2 pounds more or less than that weight.
Usually I do wish for a weight. I see that sets you up for disappointment. Today I told myself, yesterday I weighed 126.2 ( I couldn't help but also think that the day before I weighed 125.4) and I haven't binged - in fact I stuck to my food plan for the last two days perfectly - so I will weigh 128.2 or less. I weighed 127.2.
I was not really disappointed. In my old mindset I would have been. My weight just confirms for me that if I want to live at my happy weight of 126, it is not yet time to add more calories. SparkPeople already added calories to my nutrition tracker. I'll need to manually adjust it back down.
I believe that this is probably the first time I have come close to using the scale as a tool.
Monday, January 31, 2011
My response card:
I will do the best I can each day to eat right and live healthy. I will count and be proud of my binge free days. When I overeat or don't follow my food plan, I will think through what happened and try to learn from it. I will stop overeating/noncompliance as soon as I can, forgive myself, and recommit to my program. I'll grab a glass of water, walk (if appropriate - like not 3am), track what I ate the best I can, Spark, read Beck books/cards, and otherwise demonstrate my commitment tohealthy eating for a healthy life.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
I've been so busy celebrating my new weight that I forgot to blog about my progress in Beck, but I am doing it.
Day 16 - I wrote out the "NO CHOICE" card to help me prevent unplanned eating. I am writing down my meal plans each evening. Yesterday the only thing I added was one tablespoon of vinegar that I had forgotten to write down to go with the oil on my salad. I wrote "veggies - probably green beans," but I had cooked carrots left from the roast and ate them instead. I had written "popcorn, if hungry." I really preferred a grapefruit, so I allowed that substitution. I think I'm doing fine, but I would like to get even closer to following my plan. I;m not sure if it is okay to write "fruit, if hungry." I've been doing that and like it, but may have to think whether that behavior will help me learn to think like a thin person.
I already blogged about Day 17 - End Overeating.
Day 18 - Change your definition of full. For one month I am to stop and think whether I could take a brisk 20 minute walk after I eat. If not, I'm too full. I'm doing it and so far have not come close to not being able to walk. I question whether this is a good measure. I think I could overeat and still walk 20 minutes. Maybe it ought to be a jog.
Day 19 - Stop Fooling Yourself - My response card: It's not okay to eat unplanned food. Every time I give in to spontaneous eating I strengthen my giving in muscle. When I resist I strengthen my resistence muscle. I can eat most nutritiously and wisely if I plan my meals and stick to my plan.
Area for improvement: I identify that I walk around drinking RoBarr or decaf even when it has skim milk in it. I am suppose to sit down for all eating, and I guess that means drinking, too, although I am going to allow myself to drink water any time, standing or not.
Giving myself credit: I am doing good in learning that hunger is not an emergency and I can withstand hunger. I even went to bed hungry a couple nights ago. I was afraid I would wake up and binge, but I slept fine, woke up and had a normal breakfast with no problem. I realize how much defensive eating I was doing, worried that I might get hungry, when it makes more sense for the most part to deal with the hunger rather than the fear of hunger.
So glad I'm on this journey. Delighted that Val and Ellen are joining me. Maybe more people will come along!!
Get An Email Alert Each Time SLENDERELLA61 Posts