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feeling numb

Friday, May 31, 2013

Things had been fairly bad for me the past several weeks and I expected things to continue going downhill for another few weeks at the least. Less than a week ago I decided to go back to taking some vitamins after being off them for 3 months just to check that they weren't causing me to feel worse. I started back with the two vitamin B's I used to take, but am increasing the dosage by 4 times. Since the second day of them I have felt rather numb. Occasionally late at night or for a few seconds during the day I start to cry, but then I manage to somehow put it off and the feelings go away very soon. I'm still needing like 11 hours of sleep to not feel completely exhausted, but it is kind of nice to not feel bad for a while. I am a bit concerned though. Other times I felt numb like this I could only stand it for a few weeks before I started to feel 100 times worse than before I was numb. I don't know which is worse, feeling really bad in the future or feeling fairly bad now. The only good thing is that it is easier for me to get stuff done.

Also, I'm planning to reduce the vitamin B dosage in half after two weeks because I doubt it is good for me to be taking such a high amount of it. I only started taking so much in hopes it would take less time to have a positive effect.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EWL978 5/31/2013 11:43PM

    Maybe you shouldn't be doing anything without talking to your doctor first?? See what he suggests for you.

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Tuesday, May 14, 2013

It has been a rough week and I know the upcoming few weeks will be worse. I wish I could crawl into a hole and let the world pass me by.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ZENMIND7 5/15/2013 8:24PM

    I'm sorry you're feeling like that. Do you have someone to talk to?


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FLAMENM 5/14/2013 10:12PM

    This too will pass.

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Wednesday, April 24, 2013

I'm really frustrated today. I finally got to the point where I was again willing to try to find a psychiatrist to work with. I ended up with a list of 5 that are in-network providers for my insurance. Of those 5, two work at a university and don't accept patients directly, they would have to be referred by one of the psychiatry residents after at least 3 months of weekly treatment from a resident. Plus, they are more than 2 hours away from me. I can't drive 4 hours each week just to see a psychiatry resident in hopes they will refer me to the person I really want to see! Another 2 of the 5 won't accept any new patients with my insurance because they have had so many issues with my insurance not paying them for treatment provided to other patients. The other one is 3.5 hours away from me. I haven't called their office yet out because I'm afraid I will feel defeated if something prevents them from seeing me.

It is total cr@p that I can't get treatment because my insurance company messed with other providers. I was actually told that they had gotten authorization for services, but the company later refused to pay when they were billed for those services. WTF!?

I absolutely hate having a condition that no one understands! I wish I had some simple condition and could see basically anyone and get decent treatment!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PROVERBS31JULIA 5/15/2013 12:51PM

    This is exactly the kind of reasons why I haven't sought help from a shrink. Plus I've had friends in years past who DID take advantage of employer mental health plans, and after awhile of getting needed therapy, the family member who had the insurance plan at work ends up getting "laid off" or "RIF" or just out and out fired over some trumped up non-existent reason. It's basically nothing other than a form of discrimination, just because the employer no longer wanted to pay the deductible or whatever employer-provided share of the patient's health care costs (employee does have some of it taken out of their pay check, sure, but employer also has some costs involved in providing the insurance.) I finally did break down and call the local crisis center, but I still have to call them back today to find out when their group sessions are, or what actual costs are, etc. Ugh.

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RUBYREDIVY1 5/13/2013 5:42PM

    wow...sounds complicated - isn't there a way of changing insurance companies that offer a broader variety of options for treatment for you? I do hope sincerely that all works out for you - remember, we may think we are alone, but there are so many other people out there going through the same thing, so in effect we're not alone. I wish you all the best.

Good luck.

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BANANAFANNAH 4/24/2013 10:11PM

    So sorry to hear you are having such problems with your insurance and such. It sounds so frustrating! I hope it all works out for you. Stay strong!


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on the edge again

Friday, January 13, 2012

I've had eating problems all of my life. Most of the time I've been a bit overweight, but there have been times I was underweight as well. Leading up to those times I would get frustrated with myself, almost to the point of hating myself, and use exercise and food restriction as a messed up form of punishment. If I would make a mistake by eating something and later regretting it I would purge.

A few years ago I lost my job and began over eating. I slowly started putting on weight and then some medication I was on for my depression caused my thyroid to get out of control which caused me to gain almost 90 pounds in three months. This past year I've lost 95.

A few weeks ago someone that used to be a very close friend of mine, actually my dominant, saw me after I lost nearly 90 pounds. He said that he will consider me to be healthy enough to play with again when I'm back below 150 pounds (another 45 to go). Since he said that a part of me has been questioning if I should simply starve myself in order to loose the weight so that he will play with me again. I know that sounds insane and I've fought with myself over this idea.

On New Year's Day his wife, that was also my dominant, died. Two years ago They had pushed me away because of my mental health issues and told me to come back to them when I was healthy. I never really got to reconnect with her. By the time they found out she had cancer she was unable to communicate. In a number of ways it is killing me that I missed out on the last two years of her life.

I find myself again questioning if I should simply starve myself for a couple of months to loose the weight so that I don't miss out on more time with him. For a few days last week I was so depressed that I didn't eat much and I started loosing half a pound to a pound each day. I noticed I wasn't eating as I should and began forcing myself to eat, but now I'm not loosing the weight like I was. I know it is really messed up, but I can't stop thinking about severely restricting again. Today I've had less than 700 calories and, although I know I should eat something else, I simply don't want to. I have almost convinced myself that I was somehow a better person during the times I severely restricted.

On top of this I put on a corset today that I haven't been able to wear in the past two years and I look and feel horrible in it because of my loose skin. I really wanted to wear that corset to the upcoming lifestyle memorial service for my former Mistress that died since she was the one that helped me pick it out, but I feel so horrible in it that I'm questioning if there is a way for me to wear it and not hate myself.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TIBBAR2 1/17/2012 11:20PM

    I know this is presumptuous of me since I don't know you but it sounds like you are chasing a rainbow. The man just lost his wife. Even if you could make 45 lbs disappear tomorrow it doesn't mean that he will be ready for another relationship. If the reason they pushed you away was because of your mental health, then starving yourself is not the answer. Losing almost a hundred pounds is an amazing accomplishment. Be proud of yourself! I wouldn't worry about the corset. The memorial service should be about her life and your memories. The clothing isn't going to matter.

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Decisions and Fear

Thursday, February 18, 2010

These past three months I've been involved in a study for new medicine. Next Tuesday I will be done with the study and no longer taking the study medication. The psychiatrist involved in the study has taken the time to really understand me and the pitfalls I've faced as a result of all of the other medicines I've been on to try to treat my bipolar disorder. He wants to try a class of medications I've never been on before. He has decided on a particular combination he thinks would be a good place to start and wants to keep working with me until something finally works.

I've been down this road with many doctors before and, after getting no results, have always found myself feeling like I made a bad decision by trying treatment again. I'm always skeptical when I start treatment again, because deep down I know nothing has worked in the past and I think it is being excessively hopeful to think anything will work this time. At some point in the process I start to emotionally and mentally buy in to what the doctor tells me and I allow myself to believe that the doctor can and will help me. Months or years down the road treatment isn't working and we've just been going around in circles, which leaves me feeling like a failure since I can't do something as simple as be happy or not think about killing myself. Since I raised my hopes so high by believing I might 'get better' this time, the crash to the reality of it not working is worse than it would have been if I never believed treatment would help. I've tried not believing in it, but, eventually, I get sucked in. This is the point when I look back on my previous decision to seek treatment again and I feel my decision was a poor choice. I reason that there would be a higher likelihood of me being dead and not being in the current pain if I hadn't decided to seek treatment when I did. If I had kept my mouth shut after overdosing on aspirin as a kid it would have killed me and I wouldn't have spent the last 16 years struggling with this only to get no where. I would have only wasted 4 years of people's time and energy trying to help me. Looking back at my life I see all of my decisions to seek treatment as mistakes.

Now I'm at a place where the decision to or not to continue treatment is upon me and I'm just not sure what to do. The only reason I've even considering it is because this doctor has actually listened to me every step of the way and because I know he's one of the best out there. So, I can decide to forgo treatment and hope that things will build up enough for me to kill myself so that I won't be in this pain again or I can decide to get caught up in the mix of treatment again and hope and pray against odds that this time it will work. Also I must consider if I do decide to give treatment another go, how long should I give it? How long should jump through the hoops before giving in and accepting that my life won't change? How long do you fight for something before giving into the fact that it's something you have no control over? Have 16 years been enough?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ZENMIND7 2/21/2010 4:02PM

    Also, I would echo the other commenters (to your previous post) -- if you are feeling this bad, and don't have anyone to turn to, please call a suicide hotline.

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ZENMIND7 2/21/2010 3:56PM

    I'm really sorry to hear you have struggled and continue to struggle so much. I hope you give this doctor's treatment plan a chance. It sounds like he has really listened to your needs and might have a solution that works for you.

Also, treatments have really changed in the last 16 years. There are new medicines, and the doctors know more about the side effects from the medicines that are out there.

Does the doctor know your thought process around this? And how bad you are feeling?

I hope you will reach out to someone, anyone in your life, and tell them just how bad it is.

Also, if you decide to go with the medication plan, do give it time to work. Ask your doctor how long you should wait to see an improvement. It won't be instantaneous. It might take a few weeks, or more. The medicine might just give you a small lift that helps you to make other changes that help you help yourself.


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