Thursday, February 16, 2012
After I finished my super quick workout at the gym this morning, I realize that I had already achieved my goal of workout 3x/week this week. And it's only Wednesday.
I've also had a somewhat productive day as well, mainly because I was SOOOOO generally annoyed and irritated. Cleaned kitchen, cooked food, went to gym, scheduled meeting with bank.
My eating is still iffy. Made a great turkey/veggie stirfry, then ate everything but. I need to learn to fuel my body at certain times, such as right after a workout, rather than putting it off because I'm trying to run around and get ready for work. Just leads to overeating later, because I apparently REALLY need some kind of food after working out. My body demands it if I don't comply. Funny. :) Not so funny when the only thing in site to eat at work in a chocolate bar...
I'd really like the scale to move back down, but it won't if I keep stuffing face. Must remedy that.
I should start training for my 8k soon. I need wayyyy more than 8 weeks for that 8 week C25K plan...hope the weather cooperates.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
I've really had it quite up to here with my bs.
I did quite well on my eating today. Kept it very light and easy to offset the overeating of the last couple of days.
Then Valentine's happened.
Supper was okay--not the healthiest, but okay and reasonable--about 400 cals.
Those chocolates---9 pieces, 720 cals. Those OTHER chocolates-60 cals per ball, and I had 420 cals worth.
I'm done. Done sabotaging. Done being an idiot. That doesn't mean I'll be 'perfect', or never enjoy A piece of chocolate or meatball or whatever again--but that kind of shiite up there? That's just not okay in my world anymore.
Dam you, Laura Secord and Lindt. Lol.
I've started a ball rolling, and I feel like all this...excess is just interfering. I feel irritated and annoyed right now, and just impatient to shake it off and continue on.
On that note, must get sleep NOW.
PS. The franchise that I've dreamed of running for 3 years has come up for sale--and there's zero chance that I can buy it. Well, okay 1 in 1.43454556 billion chance, if my lottery ticket pays off. Heh. I'm not sure how that makes me feel. Kind of like my true calling is passing me by, or something.
Maybe I'll buy TWO tickets this time. Ha.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Went to the gym Sunday and Monday. Gave myself permission to take this morning off--I'm super sore! :) In a good way. My shoulder is bugging me a bit though, and I don't want to tax it.
It snowed last night! Winter Valentine's Wonderland. Lol.
I took some advice and broke my cleaning up into 15 minute intervals. My kitchen still isn't 'perfect', but I actually have some clean counter space, which makes all the difference. :) I even did my laundry, while pointedly ignoring the overflowing pile of clean laundry that has nowhere to go. Sometimes, ya gotta pick your battles.
I'm still eating too much. Too many things in the fridge to choose from, and I tend to want them all. Note to keep foods down to 2 meal type things at most.
I made a deal with my boss to get to work 5 mins early every day this week. Not sure why I have such trouble with that--if I can consistently come in at 11:01 and 11:02, why can't I make that 10:55 or 10:56. Have to adjust that mental cutoff time in my head. It's all mental--leaving those 5 minutes early seems too.....early! Lol.
My hubby's work hours are concerning me. I've been trying not to think about it, but it's definitely manifesting in other ways. It's been quiet the last few weeks, which would definitely affect our mortgage acquiring ability. I'm avoiding going to the bank to find out the actual numbers, because I think I would be heartbroken if we couldn't qualify for enough to move. Again. Just Hoping that this slump picks up again with spring coming.
Maybe I should just go in with the current work hours and get a quick rough estimate. Get it over with.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
I always imagine that I want a clean and tidy house, instantly ready for unexpected company, or the like. The kind of house that I could tidy up in about 15 mins if I had to. Except.....I did have that kind of house, for a time (when we were trying to sell the house, it was spotless, sparse, and shiny). And I was uncomfortable in it. Felt like I was living in someone else's home, and was scared to relax and just...LIVE... in my home (the memory of the echo-y kitchen lingers....awesome for selling, makes it feel big and roomy, but horrible to live in). As much as I like how clean everything was, I quickly reverted to my slightly dishevelled, over-cluttered state at every opportunity.
So why does what I think I want clash with what actually makes me comfortable?
That is an intense question, that probably could use a shrink to analyze.
I can try and decipher it a bit...I've always envied/looked up to those people who seem to have it together in that way...marvelled at their ability to go to work, chase after their two kids, buy groceries, make supper, clean the house, and still go out and socialize aftewards. I wondered how they managed to keep their house so tidy, being so busy, while I could never achieve the same thing.
It took me a while to realize that I COULD achieve the same thing.......if I wanted to.
But I don't want to. Not badly enough anyway. So then I end up in this perpetual loop of feeling embarassed and...not good enough, or something....when people arrive and my house is a mess. I have to fight the urge to shoo them out the door and not look at my house.
And I know I've written about this before--I seem to have a small obsession with house cleanliness/presentation--but I realize that this very much applies to another part of my life as well.
I had planned on going home this summer to visit the parents. Part of that plan included losing weight and working out to look as good as possible. I didn't want people at home to see me as soft and squishy....clearly showing that I'm soft and weak and undisciplined. I want to appear strong and lean and muscular--showing that I'm disciplined and hardworking and take care of myself and care about how I look.
When I went back last month for the funeral, one of my thoughts was 'oh god, they're going to see how fat and squishy I've gotten', and depressed acceptance that there was nothing I could do about it. Followed by beating myself up over WHY I left myself go so much to being with. If I had just kept up with my proper eating and going to the gym regularly....
Soooooo...I don't like people to see the real me. No, wait...it's beyond that. I don't WANT that to be the 'real' me....I want the real me to be that strong, lean, girl. I want the real me to be the one with endless energy and enthusiasm most days, who can manage my tiny household, and my health, and my job.
I don't want people to know that I'm so pathetic that I can't do ANY of those things.
I don't want to be the loser who can't do it.
I don't want to be a loser anymore. The loser that everyone hated as a child, who was told as a child over and over again what a loser I was. I don't want them to be right.
Yet, they clearly are. Presenting a false picture of who I am to the world, from time to time, in an effort to hide who I truly am, is just a facade I hide behind in a desperate attempt to hide myself from the truth.
Why am I such a loser? Why am I so unmotivated? More importantly.......
WHAT will it TAKE to STOP BEING THIS WAY?
Even when I do the right things, take the right steps....if feels like a constant struggle. Struggling against what I really want to do (sit on couch and play here). Struggling against who I really am.
Who am I kidding?
Why do all my efforts take so much.....effort? Why can't I just embrace my plan for the weekend (for example) and go for it with full gusto? Why is it such a struggle and argument in my head ALL. THE. TIME.
THIS is what I want. What I truly, bottom of the barrel, beyond the weight loss and the tidy house, want. To become the kind of person that CAN do these things, that WANTS to do this things, instead of fighting so hard not to.
Is it supposed to be like this? Is changing one's core system always hard? Will it actually get easier if I'm consistent at the change? Because if it's always going to be soooo hard to struggle against myself, I don't see much point.
Well. That was a bit of a downer. I wasn't expecting that. All I was thinking when I sat down was... gotta get my work clothes washed for tomorrow. Lol.
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