Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Taking full advantage of the lovely weather, I finally drove over to the lake and ran around it. 2.8 km, according to the map feature. I considered doing it again, but I got out later than planned and it was already getting a little warm. Plus my run was a struggle, so I saw no need to torture myself further today! Lol. Going to test out my toes in the pool shortly.
Funny--I was on top of the world this morning--nice weather, days off to enjoy it, etc...now I'm rather bummed out. No real reason that I could think of, then I realized it was close to that time of the month. I'm really getting quite annoyed with my hormones for that--I mean, really? Bum me out for no other reason than to..I don't know...I guess shift it preparation for my monthly lack of baby? Bad moods for no reason are just plain irritating. Let's see if I can't change that around. :)
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Today is Father's Day. Happy Father's Day!! There are many of you whom enjoy this day. There are also many who find if stressful, an unpleasant reminder, or downright depressing. For those, I'm sorry. Holidays are oft a double-edged sword, no? Especially parental days, Valentine's, and bloody Christmas.
So...my dad. Is a pretty cool dad. One of those distant ones, though, I think. Ours was a typical 'dad works, mom runs the house' families. He had little to do with the raising and discipline side of things. He also wasn't actively involved in activities with us--but he was always there for ice cream Sundays! And, yes, I DO mean SunDAY. Every Sunday-ish we would go for a drive around the countryside. My brother and I were always super-excited about that...not because we cared much about looking at fields and country homes, but because we knew the end of the ride would mean soft ice cream! From 'the corner', our local convenience store. I'm sure we often drove our parents batty with our pleas of 'are we stopping for ICECREEEEEAM yet?' I remember get excited every time the car would head back towards the corner, then disappointed when we would veer off down another dusty side road. Ah, good times.
Now? My daddy is getting old. He has Parkinsons', arthritis in his back, and herniated discs. He has trouble hearing us a lot, but hates hearing aids, so we always have to shout. He is unsteady on his feet, and randomly falls down a little more often than we'd like. He also went from a 6'0, large man with a bit of a beer belly, down to a thin rail of a man who hovers just slightly taller than me now (I'm 5'5.5"). Some days I'm grateful that he's still around and able to at least have some limited mobility. Other days--it breaks my heart. To know he'll never be able to go fishing or camping again. I would give anything to give that back to him, just the ability to enjoy his retirement, instead of being slowly shut out of life. My poor daddy.
So, Father's Day is very bittersweet for me. Glad he's around. Wish his circumstances were...different.
Hmmm...I was going to post some workout/eating related stuff, you know, to make this a SP related blog. But I'm drawing a blank. Maybe later.
Oh, random thought--I don't associate soft ice cream with any emotional kind of 'feel good' stuff. In fact, I rarely have it. Considering my proclivity to having other foods bear such strong emotional ties, I'm kind of surprised by this. But on that note, maybe I'll go find a soft ice cream cone in honor of dad today. :)
Friday, June 17, 2011
I've been thinking about my skin color (as in, how tanned I am) a lot lately. Actually, for the last couple of summers now.
Apparently, I'm really, REALLY white. I think I'm just normally pale, but I'm also kind of...translucent? On top of it--meaning you can see my veins pretty clearly under my skin in a lot of places--my wrists, inside of my elbows, below my knees--oh, and you should SEE my shoulder area after a good workout! Maybe I'll take a pic and post it someday. :) So, yeah, I'm pretty pale--pale enough that more than one person has commented on it.
The comments, though, didn't start until more recently--the last couple of years or so. Why? Because, prior to that, I tanned, oiled, bronzed, and fake-and-baked like you wouldn't freaking believe. I kid you not--I clearly remember being 18 and 19 yo, and my roomie and I worked part time 4 days a week. So the other 3 were devoted to TANNING. 2-3 hours out in the noon sun with oil (I used SPF, not to protect myself but so I could lay out in the sun LONGER. I used the bared minimum required to prevent me burning), followed by the max amount of allowable minutes at the tanning salon downstairs. We were HARDCORE, and we were also young and skinny--and got TONS of compliments.
Fast forward a few years. I found out that my boyfriend, as well as a couple of his friends, had mistakenly thought my friend/fellow tan addict was my MOM. I was shocked. And I took a good hard look at my friend, and was even more shocked to realize how...ummm...leathery she looked. It freaked me out. I stopped tanning at salons altogether--though I still liked going to the beach and developing a good base tan so I wouldn't burn every time I forgot my sunscreen for 20 minutes. Then as I got older, the sunspots started. My normally pristine peaches-and-cream (other than the freckles lol) complexion suddenly--wasn't. And each year it gets worse. I also developed moles. LOTS of them. Every spring a few more new ones pop up (one of the reasons I won't get a tattoo of my ultimate cute kitty). Most are teeny tiny freckly like ones, but some aren't. My doc warned my that I was prone to getting a LOT, and I should NOT BE IN THE SUN. Which is impossible. I run, I golf, and I spend a lot of time mucking about my yard. But deliberately prostrating myself before the yellow orb of sol each time it appears? Yah....not so much. It was a lesson that took a long time for me to learn, and chances are good that I may not have escaped totally unscathed--only time will tell regarding skin cancer.
When someone makes comments about my pasty whiteness, I get defensive. And a little angry. I kind of don't have a CHOICE. Well, I do, but it's kind of a no-brainer--cancer or less risk of cancer?? Hmmm gee lemme think about that one oh gosh I guess I'll pick the LESS RISK. And no, I don't feel like justifying my skin tone to everyone who says that.
So I resort to self-tanners now, at least until my skin gets more color just from being out and about. The one I'm using is very, very gradual and (so far) stainless--more of a lotion with just a hint of gradual darkening tone thrown in. Hopefully enough to keep the wolves at bay.
Funny--I would never DREAM of saying something negative about any aspect of a person's appearance--I wish more people would think like me sometimes. Could you IMAGINE if I said 'you need to LIGHTEN up your skin tone a little! You look like a cowhide! Hahaha' Nope, I couldn't.
Brought to you by Snow White and her Seven Dwarfs--Grumpy, Cranky, Annoyed, Tired, Resigned, Dopey, and Sleepy
Thursday, June 16, 2011
,,,was my run attempt on Tuesday. Lol! Everything hurt, my ankle was acting up big time, so instead of my intended 5 kms I just went out and around my 1 mile loop. Then I came home and mowed my lawn for an hour (which is only half the lawn..yikes).
Then Wednesday came. I was determined to run my 5-6 kms to get to the little lake/pond thingie--I'd mapped this route out a couple of weeks ago, and really wanted to see it. So off I went--much better this time! A little ankle tightness 10 mins in that worked itself out after about 10 mins. I wasn't in any rush, took a lot of walk breaks, I just wanted to see the lake. :) Made it there--umm, yeah, let's just say the lake is in a REALLY hoity toity part of town. Immaculate, intricately detailed yards, tiered, ponds, waterfalls, statues, mini-lighthouse(!!), the whole nine. It was like walking into a completely different world. Worth every step. THEN....I got caught in the rain on my way back. Thought about standing in a bus shelter until it passed--then I decided I was being a wuss and kept going. I have to say, it's kind of fun. Only thing I wished I had was my hat to keep the rain off my glasses. :)
Total run was 5.94 kms in an hour. What struck me while walking home was--I just ran/walked 6 flipping kms without batting an eye. Like it was perfectly NORMAL.
So, anyway, it's funny how a little exercise, or a good clean run, makes everything better. Like the endorphins chase away all that doubt and angst and frustration. I think I really needed that run after my race, just to remind myself of WHY I like running so much. I was getting too caught up in numbers and placements and times. I run because I CAN. And it FEELS GOOD. And I like scoping out houses and potential areas to move to--lol. :):) Definitely NOT the 600K plus lake area, though! Double lol! Though I DO have that lottery ticket for Saturday's draw.....:D.
ETHNIU02 (what is your NAME, btw? Lol)--you're absolutely right--I could go back to that wedding 40 lbs lighter and he could STILL make some comment about how I'm 'kinda big' (he prides himself on all of his exes getting super fit and lean after he broke up with them--twisted, huh.) I think I just wanted to be in a place where *I* am comfortable enough with my body to not let that be an issue. I realize I AM actually, at that point--if I approach it with the right perspective. So my focus will be on maintaining my PERSPECTIVE of myself at this point, as opposed to trying to whittle down a couple more lbs.
And, you know, I'm WHITE. Really really white. I think it bugged me because I myself don't like it too much. So, guess what I did? Got me some 'gradual tan' lotion. Self-tanner! Very light, very gradual, easy to use--and cancer free. :)
Corrie--Funny, my first thought was 'but she's NOT an insensitive and rude person! I LIKE her (as a co-worker)' But then I started thinking--yeah, actually, she kind of is. Rude, that is. Not all the time, but sometimes her comments about stuff are kind of insensitive--so I shouldn't be surprised to be on the receiving end of them from time to time. Duly noted.
I'm going to the gym now, to work on my lovely, amazing arms.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Oh YOOVIE, dam you and your blog for making me cry.
(Not really. I just hate crying sometimes, it gives me a headache and makes my eyes all puffy)
I've been feeling kind of off the last couple of days. I finished my 8k run, the run I looked forward to all year, and trained for since January. I did GREAT! Shaved 8.5 MINUTES off last years' time.
Yet I feel like 'I could have done better'. I don't know why I keep thinking that. As a RUNNER, my time sucked. As a WALKER/JOGGER, it was pretty darned good. I don't want to be a wogger anymore. Want to be a runner NOW. (insert little girl foot stomp). Sigh. Why am I suddenly so impatient? Maybe because this run was my ultimate goal, and I'm done it now, so I feel like I should be 'finished'? Hmmm.
I've been eating like a horse. (the thought just occurred to me that this might coincide with my going back on the pill) I feel like I've given up. I have a wedding to go to in less than 2 weeks, and I DON'T CARE what I look like. Because at this point, what I eat and how much I exercise isn't going to change how I'll look. So who cares?
What does it matter?
Really, no one cares. I ran my race. No one, save my hubby, was around to notice. It didn't CHANGE anything. It doesn't matter than I finished the race, I still can't run well. It doesn't matter that I'm on the verge of getting below 145, because no one except me gives a shiite what size I am. No one at that wedding will be looking at me and noticing whether I'm 150 or 145 (as well they shouldn't--weddings are about the WEDDING COUPLE). HowEVER, my ex will be around, and he will most definitely notice me. And judge me. I hate him. I HATE him. I hate that his judgement of me MATTERS so much to me. Why? I definitely don't want him anymore--but he was a dyck, and the last thing I want is for him to be glad he's not still 'stuck with that girl who let herself GO so much'.
My co-worker made a LOVELY comment about how white my legs were in my shorts. Huh. And all this time I was worried about stretch marks and fat--who knew I needed to think about the COLOR of my FRICKIN' SKIN? Considering she's Japanese or something--she has naturally dark skin. Why is WHITE skin so bloody unappealing? Why do I have to keep putting myself at risk for SKIN CANCER, just to be visually appealing???? WTH is up with that.
I think Yoov's is right. I need to get angry at whatever I'm angry about, run it out, scrub it off, and give that little girl a BIG hug, and try to get it through to her head that I DO matter.
I don't even know what I'm saying right now. I'm going to attempt a run. And then attempt to tan my pasty white stumps. bleah.
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