Friday, March 29, 2013
It's been one hell of a week. Actually, it started way before that.... years, months, weeks and finally the culmination!
I have decided I'm not going to dwell on the past, the stuff that led up to this, because I've dwelled on it for a long time, and it created a really unhappy girl. Cute, but unhappy.
Here's the good, all along the way, I've collected some of the best people the earth has to offer, and I have been surrounded by people who love me, and understand me, and thankfully, enough of my good shone through to retain them :-) OK, that's just being too hard on myself, and it wasn't THAT bad, but in my reflections this past week, I found out that I was really unhappy and I was lashing out, but I was blaming others thinking THEY were lashing out!
What I'm doing about it is changing my thinking. I'm reflecting of course on what has happened, and on one of my closest friendships that I didn't even realize I was sabotaging! I have this great friend, and she's not perfect by a long shot (even though I HAVE accused her of being perfect - and she has tried hard to convince me otherwise LOL). This friend has been very central in my life the last few years, and she makes me laugh, and she brings me a lot of joy and happiness. She was also driving me crazy, because we have completely different styles of communication - she keeps everything in, and I can't HOLD anything in :-D It's made for an interesting few years of fights and make-ups, many of which my closest sparkfriends have read about in team threads.
Well, last week, I'd reached my boiling point. There was other underlying stuff, but unbeknownst to me, I was pinning it all on her. I was taking all my "yuck" and somehow transferring it to her, and I just blew. I wrote her a note, ended our link, and was 100% finished. Or so I thought...
She reached out to me, and I eventually reached back. We had a conversation, and I wrote her a LONG letter. I poured out my heart and soul in this letter, and emailed it to her. I felt very peaceful after writing the letter - I tried really hard to leave as much emotion, etc. out of it, but of course it leaked in. She got back to me really quickly the same day. Her response was short, but what I realized between our conversation from the previous day and this response was - maybe it wasn't her - maybe it was ME!!! All of the sudden, this little "lightbulb" went on in my head - because her message was kind, sprinkled with humor, but it was also resigned and tired and long suffering and patient. I didn't really know what exactly to make of it - and I was confused.
Throughout this process, I'd been sharing with my mom what was going on. I actually had talked to my mom for about three hours on the day before this blow up (and BTW, I had no intention of having a blow up...). So, through the blowup, and aftermath, I'd been communicating with my mom, and sharing my various thoughts, etc. emails, etc. and when I received the email response, I shared that with her and my newest thoughts. You know what she said? She said I sounded "desperate"!
1.reckless or dangerous because of despair or urgency:
2. having an urgent need, desire, etc.: desperate for attention.
3.leaving little or no hope; very serious or dangerous: a desperate illness
4.extremely bad; intolerable or shocking: clothes in desperate taste.
5.extreme or excessive.
6.making a final, ultimate effort; giving all: a desperate attempt to save a life.
7.actuated by a feeling of hopelessness.
8.having no hope; giving in to despair.
9.Obsolete . a desperado.
Can be confused: desperate, disparate.
1. rash, frantic. 3. grave. See hopeless. 8. forlorn, 9. desolate.(definition below)
1. careful. 3, 8. hopeful.
World English Dictionary
desperate (ˈdɛspərɪt, -prɪt)
— adj (often postpositive and foll by for )
1. careless of danger, as from despair; utterly reckless
2. (of an act) reckless; risky
3. used or undertaken in desperation or as a last resort: desperate measures
4. critical; very grave: in desperate need
5. in distress and having a great need or desire
WOW!!! Now the lightbulb was fully illuminated!!!!
That's exactly what I was! I was desperate for her to understand me, to communicate with me, to listen to me, for answers regarding the future, to not give up on me, etc., etc., etc.! I was also desperate to stop being so DESPERATE, miserable, to actually be happy, to be ENOUGH!
It has been a week of so much prayer, reflection, frustration, sadness, hurt, pain, love, hope, gratitude, the list of feelings goes on and on as I have navigated APOLOGIZING to my dear friend, numerous times, and talking to her, and working things out with her, and hurting her feelings more as other actions come to light (mostly innocent, but still hurt her) and through it all, she has been so good. She's continued to be long suffering, and patient and just proving to me that she always WAS my friend, and I never understood just how much of a friend she was.
Not only that, I've grown closer to my mom (who BTW, doesn't actually know this friend, but LOVES her through this too) who is so wise, and just adores me. I've grown closer to the Lord through prayer and reflection and music. I've grown closer to a few of my friends and I've realized quite a few of us are having their OWN enlightenments. I am soooo blessed with the people who surround me in my REAL life, but also the people who have always supported and loved me here on spark, and when they see my posts on Facebook or even this blog, they rally around me.
What have I done, and what do I plan to do? I plan to look forward. I can't change the past, I can only focus on the future. I now see what I have available to me and I will nurture it. Yesterday, I had a great day with this friend, and while she'd been hurt by something the day before, she came out with me, and put it all aside, and played right along side me. She worked with me and was patient with me, and we had a lot of fun. She let me hang with her, and when I started to talk about myself, she said to me "no, we're not going to talk about you right now, we're going to sit and watch this match". OMG! She totally shut me down - and guess what - I LOVED IT!!! It was HONEST, and she was right!!! I totally respected and loved it, and I just loved her all the more because of it. She had a rough morning today, and you know, I didn't give her any crap, I just loved her, and we had one of the best days we've had in a long time. We talked about some things, and you know, it's just great. This is how it probably should have been all along, and now, this is hopefully how it's going to be.
I'm reading a book called "The Anatomy of Peace" by Terry Warren, and OMG it's amazing! I'm learning so much about what I was doing wrong - I don't understand it all yet obviously, but I can't WAIT to figure it out so that I NEVER do it again. I've been listening to Hymns in the car, and I am finding so much peace through the music and the words. I find myself humming them throughout the day, and I find that when I start to drift into negativity and contention that if I just start humming a tune, the ugly lifts away. Even today in my tennis match, when I was starting to have negative, self defeating thoughts, I turned to the fence, pulled a song out of my head, found the words and instantly I had peace. Fascinating!!!
This week, it's just been a week of discoveries. It started out so AWFUL, so sad, it's been so hard, and yesterday, it finally felt a little better, and today it was so good. I don't know what the roller coaster will bring as my friend and I work through the emotions, but I DO know that I will NOT bring that ugly negativity and meanness back into the relationship, and if things need to be discussed, I will follow the rules above and just love her, and allow myself to be loved by her, and rather than focus on the external stuff, I will just focus on what will make this friendship right, and make us whole and happy. She is a very important part of my life, and I am thrilled that she wants to hang with me and work with me.
I am happy :-)
(BTW - tons going on in other aspects of my life, but the above is SO HUGE to me, and a huge part of my makeup the last two years. But the rest of life is somewhat complicated, but also HUGE things are happening and all looking good, the kids are great, and my scale is continuing to go down. I started out the BLC at 237 for the most part (official weigh-in may have been lower) which was 3 pounds away from my highest weight and while I DID drop out very quickly (I wasn't ready...) I am down 15 pounds as of Weds to 222.6!!! I couldn't BE happier!!! As far as tennis goes, my partner and I are undefeated this season, and we only have two more matches to go (24-0!!!!) and my main team is in first place by at LEAST 5 points (the second place team still needs to do their rain make-ups) so it's looking REALLY GOOD that we're going to win!!! I am soooooooo excited about that!!!!! Not to mention my 40+ team just finished in first and we're going on to the next step towards Nationals, and I played singles for the first time in a REALLY LONG TIME today and I WON 6-3, 6-1! That was really huge for me. The opponent was a lower level girl, but it was great to get my feet wet and remember how much I love singles!)
HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY and if I follow the "7 RULES OF LIFE", continue to work on relationship with the Lord, continue to work towards having peace in my heart, and love the people who love me, I can only expect great things to happen - even with the bad.