Never Would Have Made It... Without GOD!!!

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Marvin Sapp

I absolutely LOVE the songs this man sings, especially He Has His Hands on Me and Never Would Have Made It... There are some folk who criticize Never Would Have Made It because the song does not mention God or Jesus by name at all; however, I'm of the opinion that I know who he's talking about and when I sing it, I know who I AM speaking of, so whatever! Anyway, I know I haven't blogged in months, but that doesn't mean I have given up on the fight! It's been a rough few months, but I had a milestone today and just had to share. Many of you may remember when I first joined Spark in February 2009 I blogged about my job having moved us upstairs to the 2nd floor of my building. I cried tears of despair when they moved us up here because I struggled like nobody’s business to get to my desk downstairs and when they moved us, I was so distraught. When I started taking the stairs in February 2009, I had to walk into the building, sit, rest and catch my breath at the blood pressure machine down stairs, walk up the 30 steps to the 2nd floor, stop, sit, rest and catch my breath at the empty cube outside the door and then go to my desk. It took me nearly 25 minutes every day back then to get to my desk. Well today, for the first time in the nearly 3 years since my team was moved from the first floor to the second – I parked my truck, walked up the stairs to my desk without stopping or sitting down to catch my breath and I’m just so glad about it, I don’t know what to do. Nearly 3 years ago, it took me 25 minutes to get to my desk and today, I got here in less than 4. Now, I was dogged tired when I got here and I said "Lord, please don’t let the fire alarm go off because I’m too pooped to move", but still I DID IT! I know it may seem trivial to some, but this is absolutely amazing to me because, at one point, I never thought I’d be able to do it. I’ve been hitting that gym for months and felt like I wasn’t accomplishing anything because I haven’t really lost that much weight, in comparison with how much I need to lose, but I realize that there are other victories besides weight loss, like being able to do just what I did today. I was so overwhelmed, I could hardly speak this morning. Literally, I sat at my desk for 15 minutes in tears – and believe me when I say they were tears of joy!!! I can't hardly wait to get to the gym to tell my trainer about my feat! I know I never would have made it to this point if the Saviour hadn't been on my side! THANK YOU JESUS!!!

Anyway, thanks for the ear and letting me share my praise moment with you. Peace and blessing, Kita.

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Even through life storms and rains...God is STILL GOOD!!!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

It's been a rough couple of days... Things went a bit downhill yesterday at the gym. My trainer had me doing lunges and, after the first set of 20 (10 on each leg), my knees were killing me and my back was hurting. My trainer said I was leaning too far forward, putting pressure and strain on my back. We bounced the weighted ball back and forth for a while and went back to the lunges, so I made sure to keep my back straight and, after that first set of 10 that go around, I was hurting so bad, I wanted to walk out right then! However, I went on and did the other set of 10 on the opposite leg. When I got through, I ached ALL OVER!!! If anyone tells you lunges are a piece of cake, they LIED!!! I thought I was going to be sick right there in the gym. We were going on to the treadmill, but just walking across the room hurt so badly. I think I scared Cindy, my trainer, because, after the lunges, she suggested we skip the treadmill last night. I told her I just needed a few minutes to get myself together - I was fighting back tears because of the pain in my knees, but I lost the battle and the tears started to flow. At that point, Cindy was adamant that I stop. I was irritated mostly with myself because I felt I should have been able to do that exercise; maybe if I had done it right the first time, I wouldn't have been so pained the next go around. I tried to convince her to keep going, but she said no. Now, I'll be out of town for a few days and won't be back in the gym until next Monday, so I was so disappointed in myself at that point because we had a team birthday luncheon at work yesterday and, instead of partaking in the pizza, I brought my own SmartOnes Pizza and some whole kernel corn and only ate some salad my manager brought to have with the pizza. During the luncheon, I was telling some of my teammates about my workouts as some of them noticed my mobility is better and made mention of it. (That felt kinda nice...) Anyway, after having that victory, not being able to complete the workout felt like defeat, so I left the gym kind of down. Well... on my way home, I usually take the straightest route, but last night I felt compelled to go through a subdivision with less traffic. I'd just crested the hill when I heard this wobbling sound and I immediately lost control of the steering wheel - the truck started veering to the left and I instantly hit the brake. I thought I'd blown a tire, but I hadn't. At this point, I was like "Girl, get yourself to the house." I made a right turn - with a bit of speed because now I'm anxious just to get the truck to my house. Okay, BIG MISTAKE! The wobbling sound came back and the truck then started veering to the right - I had no control of the steering again and almost ended up in someone's yard. If I hadn't hit the brake when I did, I could have very well ended up in their LIVING ROOM!!! I was so scared... There was a lady driving a car behind me who saw what was going on. When I came to a stop, she drove up next to me and asked me if I was alright. I told her I thought I was, but I didn't know what was happening to the truck. She said she saw sparks coming from under the truck by the driver's side front tire. I was at a complete loss on what to do. I was about 10 miles or so from home, in a neighborhood where I didn't know anyone, it's getting dark and I was alone. So, I said a quick prayer and repeatedly said "Please Lord let me make it home". I drove 5-10 miles an hour from the spot where I said the prayer. I said - out loud - "Please Lord let me get home" from that spot to the front of my house - without incident. When I stopped that truck, I was so relieved, I forgot all about the pains in my body and my gym upset. I was just glad I wasn't on the high traffic road I usually travel when this happened. If I had, the probability of my hitting someone or something would have been so much greater. I was not pleased in the least with this turn of events by no means; however, when I stopped and really thought about it, I was glad things happened the way they did. We'd planned on driving the truck to the Atlanta airport for our flight out - what if this had happened while we were on the highway travelling at 65-70 miles an hour? Heck, what if it had happened while I was on the bypass coming from the gym last night, traveling at 65-70 miles an hour? When I got home, I called a friend of mine and told him what happened. He came over, took a look under the truck and said something about an arm related to the steering was broken on the driver's side. He also said it would be expensive to repair. I started getting emotional about having to repair my truck and, now that the adrenaline has returned to normal, my pains were evident again, I almost dropped a few tears, but then when I thought about what COULD have happened, I got alright! I am so grateful and thankful to God for keeping me from the seen and unseen dangers. I could have been hurt, I could have hurt someone else, lives could have been lost, but God didn't see fit to let it be and I AM SO GLAD ABOUT IT!!! I got home, I have a car so I am still able to get back and forth to work, and I'm employed, so I can get the truck fixed too. Again, by no means am I glad things have happened, but I am glad to know, even in the midst of this storm, GOD IS STILL GOOD!!!

Anyway, at this moment in time, my entire lower body - hips, thighs, knees, shins, ankles and feet - ache like nothing I've ever felt before. Cindy warned me that I would be sore and she is exactly right, but I'm hanging in there. After that scare last night, the gym ain't nothing in comparison! The devil meant it for bad, but I'm SO glad, God meant it for MY GOOD!!!

Peace and blessings, Kita

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Long Time... No C, No Hear, but still working the journey

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

I can't believe it's been almost 5 months since I blogged. I've been super SUPER busy these last few months, but mostly in pain and only doing the bare minimum to keep the hurting to a minimum. What I didn’t realize is, the more still and sedentary I became, I was allowing myself to hurt even more! Our bodies are designed to MOVE and I wasn’t doing much at all. Carrying this kind of weight can sure make mobility difficult, to say the least. Anyway, in December, at the age of 40, I had my wisdom teeth pulled; actually, I had the 4 wisdom teeth pulled and two smaller partially impacted numerary teeth behind each wisdom tooth on the top of each side of the mouth. THAT WAS EXCRUCIATING, but necessary. My dentist has been at me to get them out for over two years, but, in my opinion, if they weren’t bothering me, why bother them? LOL!!! I had to take some amoxicillin (an antibiotic) and Prednisone (a steroid) for about a week after the procedure and I noticed I felt the least pain I’d felt in YEARS!!! I thought it was because I had to be on a liquid diet for two days and my intake was the cause of my pain; however, once I stopped taking the medicine and continued the liquid diet, I realized the Prednisone was what made me feel better. I had to take some years ago and I remember I asked my doctor back then for a prescription and he flat out said “NO” because of the possible side effects. This time, when the medicine got out of my system, I didn’t even bother to ask my doctor – I found an online pharmacy that didn’t require a prescription and bought the same dosage I’d been prescribed by my dentist. I know, I know – don’t even bother to tell me – DANGEROUS!!! I know, but I was willing to risk the side effects – including weight gain – to keep from going back to the pain. Well, after ordering the Prednisone, and taking it sparingly over a week, I did some more research and knew I couldn’t keep doing that. I confused my “crime” to my current doctor and she didn’t give me a real hard time about it, but she was surprised I was able to get that medicine without a prescription. She prescribed some topical cream to put on my joints she felt would ease the pain and, being that I was also diagnosed with sciatica, she prescribed me some Vicodin and Flexeril. Now, I’m already taking Lotrel, Atenolol, Lasix (as needed), Potassium (as needed), and HCTZ for blood pressure and, with the added prescriptions, I felt like I had my own pharmacy. Plus, my glucose level was 105 (normal range is 65-99) and my A1C was 6.2 (normal range 4.0-6.0) and my doctor told me, if my glucose rises to 125 or higher and/or my A1C goes up to 6.5 or higher, she would put me on diabetic medicine, also advising me I’m still pre-diabetic (I have been for a while now). At that point – I was like, “Kita, this is RIDICULOUS!!!” All this medicine and possibly adding more – too crazy!!! That doctor’s visit was on 2/28/2011. I’d already gone back to monitoring my eating and logging my food, but I knew I had to do more, so I did. Wait for it… wait for it… I joined a gym, but here’s the kicker, I HAVE A PERSONAL TRAINER I WORK OUT WITH 3 TIMES A WEEK!!! For me, this is M-A-J-O-R!!! The facility was offering a special price for two days a week during work hours at my job, but I knew I wouldn’t be in any condition to work after working out, so I called the gym and, bless the Lord, spoke with Cindy Lee, who is my trainer. I was so glad to know she herself used to weigh over 300 pounds and had lost 130 pounds. I met with her for the first time on 3/5/2011 and it took all I had in me to keep that appointment. I’m so self conscious about my behind being in pants (which is why I only wear dresses and skirts), but I knew I had to put that aside and walk in that gym. Fortunately, she was the only one there at the time I arrived and we worked out that same day. TALK ABOUT ACHING??? Muscles I’d forgotten all about said “HELLO!!! You forgot about me didn’t you? Let me reintroduce myself to ya!” ROTFLOL!!! I almost didn’t go back on 3/7/2011, but I did and I’m happy to report I’ve lost a total of 25 pounds since I’ve been going and I’m down a total of 47 pounds from my highest weight – GOOD BYE 500s!!! Neva to be seen again!!! LOL!!! I’m amazed at myself because, by this time, I would have quit in times past, but I’m trudging along and doing okay. There are days when I want to cry and I do… I still have pains but I can walk farther, stand longer and do more now than I could a month ago! I’m still getting stiff when I sit for long periods of time, but my recovery time is greatly decreased. I used to have to stand up, sit down, and stand up again before I could take a step to go anywhere, but now I just stand, stretch my legs and MOVE!!! Amazing transformation – I wonder what I’mma feel like in 30 more days!!! Well, I’ve bent your ear long enough, but I’ll keep ya posted. Keep praying for me, I know you are, and I’ll do the same for you. Peace and blessings, “Diva-in-the-making” Kita! LOL!!!

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Whew… I feel betta nigh!!!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Be strong and do not lose heart. Refuse to give up. The enemy would have you to believe in hopelessness, but he will not succeed as long as you maintain your position of hope. Give him no ground. Take the time and make the effort to exercise your faith and to believe Me and know that I have heard your prayers, says the Lord.

2 Corinthians 4:17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.

I received the above in an e-mail from a friend who didn’t even know I was going through a rough patch and it has become my mantra. Last week this time I was more despondent than I think I’ve ever been in my life. I don’t know if I was that low when my Mom passed. Believe me, I kid you not – I felt like I was at rock bottom then, but, last week, I think was even worse than then. It just seemed as if I was falling apart from the outside in. My body ached ALL OVER and the one person I would have vented to about how I felt was my Mom, so I felt completely alone. My grandmother, bless her heart, is a kind, loving person, but she’s never had a weight problem and, whenever I’ve tried to release my frustrations with her, she goes into that “all you got to do” speech of hers, which usually makes me feel worse than I already felt. I want to scream “don’t you think I know that? If it were that easy, I would have done it already!!!” however, to do so would immensely hurt her feelings and I don’t want to do that. I’ve come to accept that she has a different perspective and she can’t know what I’m feeling because she’s never been here before… More than I can say, I want to rid myself of this weight; however, my MAIN purpose right now is to STOP HURTING PHYSICALLY!!! Every morning it seems as if something ELSE is pained. If it’s not my knees, it’s my back. Not my back, it’s my hip/leg, shoulders, ankles, something hurting and the stiffness!!! Sometimes I’m so stiff, I burse into tears when I go from a seated position to standing because the pain is so bad. I don’t even understand why I get so stiff. However, last week, I started having some crazy aches in my hands (right hand especially) and that’s when I just fell completely apart. My entire livelihood is in my hands – as a Research Analyst, I’m constantly typing letters in response to whatever grievance has been submitted and I’m a Minister of Music, so of course I’m playing the piano with my hands… I just kept thinking, “Lord, if I can’t use my hands, what will I do?” I’m single, no children, my mother’s deceased, my father and I have just started developing a relationship, my grandmother is elderly, my brothers have lives of their own, so if I can’t take care of me, what will I do? Friends will be there for a while, but they grow tired of you quickly. So does family, so I’ve got to get it together. I know my grandmother would do whatever she could for me, but she was married to my grandfather for 52 years and 23 of those he suffered ill effects of 3 strokes. She took care of her brother before he passed, which was during the same time she had my grandfather to care for. When my Mom was ill, she went with me to see her daily and even stayed overnight with my Mom at the rehab center in Warm Springs, GA a few times. Within the last couple of years, she was the caregiver for her sister who was ill with what we think was pneumonia and my grandmother saw about her for nearly a month. Fortunately, my aunt is doing much better and back in her home in Albany, but my grandmother has had her share of taking care of our family. I can’t get down on her… besides, she’s been feeling poorly herself lately, but, even in her current state, she’s helping my uncle care for his ill wife. At 83 and not feeling so great, she’s still in a much better position than I am. So, I’ve just got to pull it together.

So many of you reached out to me and I appreciate each and every one of you. I’ve received so many suggestions from you all and I’ve been making a few changes that I pray will aid in my efforts. In regards to exercise, I purchased a motorized mini bike and that has been uncomfortable sometimes, but it does get me moving. I’ve only used it on my legs, but I’m planning to incorporate both my legs and arms. Right now, I’m doing 3 or 4 minute intervals a few times a day, but I hope to increase that and see some results. While I’m a soda addict, I stopped drinking regular soda and drinking more water, crystal light and diet soda. I know some people recommend no soda at all, but I needs me some carbonation. LOL!!! I think that’s all I will do right now. When I tend to make several changes at one time, I believe I get overwhelmed quickly and chuck the whole program out the window. I’ll go along with these changes for a couple of weeks and then I’ll incorporate something else. Someone said “Taking baby steps is the key” and I think that’s going to work best for me. Again, I thank you all and I can truly say, I feel betta nigh!!! Watch out world, here I come!!! LOL

Peace and blessings, Kita

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Mercy...........

Monday, November 08, 2010

Ever had your faith shaken? Ever felt like just throwing in the towel? Well, if you haven’t, God bless you because it’s an awful place to be! Right about now, I’m so down, if death were to come at this moment, it would be welcomed! No matter how much I try to convince myself that I can win this weight war, my motivation does not last long enough to get me anywhere NEAR where I want to be and I feel like such a failure… I know I’m an intelligent woman and I know what to do to lose weight, but I find myself struggling all the time and coming out on the wrong end EVERY TIME. I feel as if I’m in a catch 22… in order to lose weight, I need to exercise, but my body aches so much exercise only intensifies my pains. I have labored breathing just walking from the side of the bed to the bathroom – not even 30 feet! For the last 5 months, my knees have been calling my name something awful. Actually, it started out on just the right knee. I woke up June 3rd with it feeling a little stiff, but, by the end of the day, I was literally hoping around because any pressure on the right knee was excruciating! My doctor says I have arthritis in the right knee and gave me some topical cream and medication to help with the pain, but sometimes that doesn’t help. Further, having favored the right knee, I’ve placed more stress on the left and now they are BOTH hurting. My doctor said the arthritis is degenerative and eventually I’ll need a knee replacement; however, she is doubtful any surgeon would do it because of my size. Now, with this development, along with my other issues – labored breathing, high blood pressure, pre-diabetic, you’d think I’d be motivated to lose weight, but lately, all I’ve been doing is what I absolutely have to do to get by. I work from sun up to sun down because, after having the issues I had earlier this year, I feel I have to do more than anybody else just to be considered on the same level with my co-workers. So, when I’ve worked 8, 10 sometimes 12 hour days, when I get off, the last thing I feel like doing is cooking. I usually grab something from a drive thru, which is not a good thing, I know. On top of that, I don’t eat breakfast, most days I eat twice a day maybe, which my doctor says is hurting any weight loss efforts.

I have seriously thought about having gastric bypass surgery. I even went for a consultation; however, the doctor recommended I lose 100-150 lbs before doing it. Really? Losing 100-150 lbs BEFORE the surgery? If I could do that, I WOULDN’T NEED THE FRICKIN’ SURGERY, which is what I told him as I whisked out of his office! Truth be told though, I’m terrified of it because I’ve had a three friends who had it - two have died and the one still living suffers from so many medical problems – things she didn’t have before the surgery, so that’s not an option. Besides, if I made it through the surgery, I’d still have to be disciplined enough to not eat ANYTHING for 6-8 weeks… From the consultation, I learned that I’d have to be on a liquid diet for that long… seriously, I know me well enough to know that would be a monumental problem!!!

Along with all the aches and pains, I think all of this “pity party” (for lack of a better word) started when I got my feelings hurt by people I didn’t know. I was in church and I was providing piano accompaniment for a friend of mind doing a solo for my pastor’s 10th pastoral anniversary. The guest church was from out of town and I didn’t know nor had any interaction with these people before. The pastor brought his youth choir comprised of mostly teenagers ranging in age I’d say from 15 on up. I went to go into the choir stand when it was time for my friend to sing and the kids gave me this “OMG” look and burst into laughter. I usually have tough skin and don’t give reactions like this much thought, but, for some reason, this time really got to me and it hurt badly. I guess I could have shrugged it off if it was just a minute and over with, but they continued to laugh and whisper to each other between laughs the whole time I was in the choir stand. I held it together for the rest of the program, but when I got home, I cried for a while. After that, I decided to just roam within my own circle of family and friends because I just didn’t want to go through anything like that again. Honestly, I’d already done that, but couldn’t avoid it here. My nephews are 13, 9, and 5 and the closest I have to children. I love them with all my heart and would love to be a support system for them at their football & basketball games. As must as it hurts me to be mobile these days, I’d even push through the pain of getting there, but I have yet to attend one game because I don’t want to embarrass them. I don’t want to put them in a position of having to defend me or worse yet, they not defend me and chime in. I don’t think they would do that, but I don’t even want to put the possibility out there, so I stay away. Just this past Saturday, my baby brother invited me to a “cook out” where he wanted me to meet his latest lady friend. Being that she’s never met me and she not only has a couple of teenage kids, she also has a young grandchild, I made up some reason not to go and declined the invitation because I didn’t want to subject myself to another episode like above or embarrass my brother. Sad, I know, but it’s better than having people judge me and me allowing them to make me feel less than human. I realize I have total control over how I react to things, but your feelings are not so controllable and I have had my fill of being hurt by people who don’t even take a minute to get to know me, just make their own judgments and conclude it’s okay to snicker and jeer. Why is it we wouldn’t dare laugh at someone who’s deformed or handicapped, but the world thinks it’s just fine to make fun of fat people?? Where is it written that we don’t have feelings like everybody else?

So, for me exercising is not an option, my eating habits are not working, I absolutely hate my body and myself, I feel as if I’m an embarrassment to my family, and well meaning people have been advising me how I’m slowly killing myself and, at this point, I’m in a total agreement – so what’s the point of being here? It’s seriously doubtful that I’d be missed…I’d be replaced on my job in a New York minute, my church would find someone else to play, my brothers have their own lives and families, so I’m sure me being gone wouldn’t affect them - except when they need money or my help with something, but I believe they’d still figure it out without me… maybe my grandmother, father, and a couple of friends would feel the void, but that’s about it. If you’re thinking I’m suicidal – DON’T! I am well aware to do so would mean damnation and, trust me, having gone and still going through enough hell on earth I can’t die and be in hell for all eternity. So, I’ll tell you as I’ve told others, if I’m found dead somewhere and there is a suicide note – OPEN AN INVESTIGATION IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE I DIDN’T DO IT!!!

I know I’m rambling here, but I’m just so frustrated and feel totally useless! Besides this crazy frame of mind I’m in, I’ve lost 4 people who were dear to me within the last month. Two of which I blogged about earlier: Reverend H Randy Stephen on 9/9/2010 and Bishop Kenneth H. Moales, Sr. on 9/20/2010. That same week of Bishop’s passing, TWO members of my church, Mrs. Marguerite Davis passed on 9/24/2010 and Mrs. Mary Barnes passed 9/25/2010 – both of which I’ve known practically all my life. They were more like family than church members and I miss them like crazy. It feels as if my circle is getting smaller and smaller and I’m not trying to expand for fear of having more episodes like I described earlier, so what’s the point? What is wrong with ME!?!?!?! Why am I here? There's GOT to be something better than THIS!!!

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