Sunday, September 15, 2013
I had a very long day yet it was not long enough to get everything done.
I went to my churches 100th anniversary celebration. The service was 3 hours long but I hardly noticed. It was a wonderful celebration and we had quite the collection of speakers. After we spent the morning at church I spent a few hours with my Mom.
I love my Mom, she is a strong and wonderful woman but she can be intense and can be all over the place sometimes. She sucked the energy right out of me and my husband so much so that when we got home at 4pm instead of running errands we BOTH needed a nap. My mothers not elderly. She's 49, She had me as a teenager, I'm 31. My family has a history of bipolar. I got help at an early age but my Mom believing this illness skips a generation refuses to get help. So when I say she's all over the place what I mean is.....well.....she's nuts. (If there was an emoticon with a smiley in a straight jacket I would have inserted it here) But she's my mom so what are you gonna do?
I had planned to spend time with my brother, go grocery shopping, go to the gym and take back some motorcycle gear that no longer fits. But this all went to the way side. Our energy level was null. We passes out at 4pm and we didn't wake up till 8 pm. I started feeling guilty, like I wasted the day. I had only gotten 3000 of 10,000 steps. The gym closes at 7pm on weekends.
Then I remembered Coach Nicole has some great work out videos on spark people. So, I did 2 work outs:
8-Minute Cardio Intervals Workout
Bootcamp: 10-Minute Cardio Kick Workout
Today I learned that it is never too late in the day to proclaim a non-scale victory. My non-scale victory today is doing two SparkPeople workouts instead of throwing my hands up in the air and feeling defeated. I did it! You can do it to!
And Now My Daily Dave Matthews
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Warning: this blog may contain too much information for some people to handle. I'd like to attach a friendly reminder of "do not judge lest ye be judged". But by all means laugh and comment and share your own experiences.
(This is my Judgey Kitty Face Pic.....Don't be a Judgey Kitty, BTW this is not my cat just some random internet cat)
Ok this blog title is a bit misleading because I HAVE experienced many a night of drunken hedonism just never on Friday the 13th. I got drunk last night. I hate getting drunk. No that's a lie, I hate the day AFTER getting drunk. I usually only go overboard once or twice a year but I just got over a hang over a month ago. I'm worried this is happening more often. I need to stop this. My drinking got really out of hand a few years back that I actually quit drinking for a few years.
Only 2 years ago I started again in moderation. Not to get drunk and escape as was my goal previously but to try new and different micro brews and wines.
After last night I'm considering another drinking hiatus. Although when I started drinking last night it wasn't to escape or get wasted. I think I got drunk because I was socially drinking. I wanted to keep the good times rolling and didn't have the mental facilities to say stop. I just want it known that we were at home there was no drinking and driving.
UGH! I just feel the free radicals wreaking havoc on my body this morning!
So how do I get past this and move on well I think I have an action plan and it goes like this:
Step 1 find the aspirin. oh wow hubby did the dishes? I think he might have drank too much to. Drunkin dish washing, a cry for help, or can i use this to my advantage?
Step 2 Drink much more water than my normal 72 oz. MUST REPLENISH FLUIDS
Step 3 don't let yesterday determine today's outcome. Get out and do something different. Keep moving forward (don't ya just love coach Nicole?)
Step 4 get some rest to let my body recover, its ok to rest. And forgive yourself (myself, whatever)
Step 5 there is no step 5 my OCD just wouldn't let me close this list without a step 5.
I have a tendency to go way overboard on everything; food, drink, work, exercise. I got to keep practicing moderation to make life work.
Non scale victory: although last night I indulged way too much I still manage to hit 10,000 steps on my Fitbit without going to the gym. I got in more steps at work. I also kept track of everything I ate and drink and although I went over my calories at least I know where I stand . I went over my calories by 724. Therefore not knowing is not going to derail me. And going over is not going to set me off course.
This is gonna happen its part of the journey. The key is NEVER GIVE UP! Its ok to slip up but just NEVER GIVE UP! Now everybody say it together NEVER GIVE UP! (I hear SparkPeople in my head and know I'm not alone) I can say in my creepy Sixth Sense Movie kid voice "I see SparkPeople, I speak to SparkPeople. " ok when the blog turns into the bizarre I know its time to wrap it up. Have a great Saturday!
Note to self: might want to start deleting last few paragraphs of all blogs to end the blog BEFORE it takes a strange turn. meh, maybe start that tomorrow. Now where the hell is the aspirin?
And now my Daily Dave Matthews Picture. Time to rest
Friday, September 13, 2013
My non-scale victory is tied into this blog title. Yesterday I stayed within my calorie range and passed up unhealthy foods despite husbands worst efforts.
*******WARNING, May Contain TOO MUCH INFORMATION for some***************
After a very satisfying dinner and an awesome 1 hour workout, my husband got a call from his mother asking if he wanted a cheeseburger (Side note: we live with his parents) and he said yes. Ok I've tried and tried to get hubby to hop on the healthy bandwagon with me but I can only do so much. I have to pick my battles. When his mom brought over the burger king cheeseburger (Side note: We live in a back guest house) he kept asking me over and over, "you want some" "You want a bite" "You sure?". (Side Note/TMI: It's that time of the month for me) It's really hard this time of month to say no to junk food. But he finally scarfed it down and I was relived. Because of course I wanted a big juicy cheeseburger that smelled wonderful, but I also want to feel good and didn't plan on the extra calories. I do allow myself a cheeseburger now and then but I set aside calories for it.
Then he takes fries out of the bag and shoves one in my face! "want one". I shot him a dirty look and told him "for the last time, please stop offering me food!"
Finally he scarfed them down and YAY I celebrated another passing-on-junk-food-victory.
Then he goes into the main house to visit with his parents (Side note: They are in their 70s and are grateful as much as we are for us being there) He comes back to our little house has a huge smile on his face and throws snickers, and twix bars onto my lap.
(Side Note: The F*%#!) These are my favorite candy bars. Normally years ago during this time of month I would love these peace offerings but again….not tonight. I handed them back to him (Side note: even though I wanted to fling them at his head!) I was nice and told him no thank you and told him again that I'm trying to stay within my calorie range, please stop. And he took them back. I don't know what he did with them after that. I am proud of myself. I feel victorious!!!!!
My husband and his family are the worse saboteurs. They think I deprive my husband. Trust me husband is NOT starving. He's gained alot of weight since we moved back to San Antonio and he got out of the military. His family doesn't understand why I can't have those foods in the house. They are sugar junkies. They always keep sugary foods and snacks in their houses. Out in the open on every table and counter. They associate food with love. I don't think my husband intends to sabotage me, I think he means well but it's very hard living with a food pusher. Sparkpeople have really helped me to deal with them. I know this won't be the last time this happens but I am very proud of myself.
Operation try not to kill hubby on a Friday commences….
Last Side Note: We live in a 500 square foot studio guest house. There's nowhere to go to get away from each other. Before I could go to another room while he binges on cereal and chips. Now there is nowhere to run. But I'm getting better. Before it only worked if it was out of sight, out of mind, now I'm able to deal with these things literally being shoved in my face. I haven't conquered it, I know It's a work in progress, but it's nice to know I do have control over what I put into my body. But I still don't allow bad foods stored in the house. That's just setting me up for failure. It's bad enough being a food cop at work but to have to be one at home to is just exasperating sometimes.
Daily Dave Matthews (Side Note, a co-worker asked me today who Dave Matthews is, I don't even know where to begin)
Have a wonderful and healthy weekend friends!
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Yesterday my work cancelled OT. So I left to go to the gym, The same gym I'd been going to for over a year. MY GYM!. And there was 2 girls from my work that just months ago nearly destroyed my career and tried to get me fired. I almost turned around and walked out but I decided to stay. Not only did I stay and complete my work out I managed to log 20,000 steps on my fitbit and worked out for 2 hours! Behold, the motivating power behind betrayal, rage and paranoia. So I'm using my insane workout as my NSV because before I would have just walked away.
Ok, story behind why I was almost fired. In June I'd been battling a skin disease called Hidradenitis suppurativa for over 2 years. It got so bad it became infected and entered my blood stream. I almost died and thus was thrown off my healthy life style kick and wasn't on sparkpeople much. I had surgery to have it removed and it got rid of most of the infection. At this time I was struggling to get to work every day and maintain a life. My cubical sat between Three of the worst people I'd ever met in my life. One girl got mad because I didn't offer her some candy but offered it to someone else. (not intentionally on my part, I was just trying to unloud unwanted candy from my desk) There was another time one of them got mad because I told her "Good Morning" too many times. I later found on instagram a picture that said "Tell me good morning one more time and I'll cut you, some people just don't get it". And more and more and more. I delt with it for over a year but kept quiet at work. Those people also happen to be buddy buddy with higher ups.
One day as I was getting worse and worse my boss set me aside and told me to watch myself because some people were trying to get me fired. She said someone reported to her that I was starting rumors. She also warned me one of them is a friend of mine. She also said I don't have to be friends with everybody. This was a strange concept because I'm usually very friendly and trusting with everyone. And I don't talk bad about people. This person took what I said wrong "I don't know why they haven't gotten promoted because they are friends with lots of supervisors and have lots of pull". I didn't mean it to be a bad thing. Of course I shouldn't have said anything. Its none of my buisness. I was just trying to figure out what else my job is looking for to get promoted if its not just based on recommendation.
After the warning from my boss. I wrote on my face book that I got back stabed. I was pissed. Someone showed that post to my boss and I got an official verbal warning. So I took off everyone I worked with off my facebook save for one. This girl had been a really really good friend for over 2 years! I thought I knew her. She wasn't like one of the "bad ones".
Well I was feeling pretty sick, it was a Sunday and I wrote on my facebook that night "I don't want to go into work tomorrow and see those awful awful people". And I got so sick I couldn't go into work the next day. The day I did return to work my boss took me aside and told me someone showed her my post and she went to HR and my Manager and they decided to write me up for speaking bad about the company. Facebook doesn't list my employer. I found out later that close friend showed my boss my post. That person is blocked now. That person also told that other person what I said about knowing the supervisors and having pull. My boss kinda confirmed it was that person to. Also other people in my department saw her showing my boss her phone, going through my facebook post screen by screen. I felt so betrayed.
My only regret is I should have named names and said something worse. To get written up for saying those "awful people" just wasn't worth it. I'd never been written up in my whole life and to be written up for that was just ridiculous. When my boss wrote me up I acted like a fool, I was feeling really sick and couldn't handle my emotions. They had me on heavy anti-biotics and pain meds for the infection, the pills made me nauseas and emotional. I started crying and couldn't stop. And when I cry It's not pretty. I looked a red mess. My reputation was tarnished. I looked like a crazy person.
For the 2 years I had been at my workplace I'd been trying to become a supervisor or get a promotion. Now I don't see that happen. Although I'm feeling better now and back to myself. My reputation is tarnished. And they've had lots of openings but I can't apply because I'm considered on progressive discipline. I can't apply for any promotion for 6 months!
Since then I finally got the surgery, I'm feeling better. And they moved our department around so I got moved to a much better location rows away from those people. In that time I discovered Dave Matthews Band, became better aware of my situation, relaxed more and see that things are not in my control. I've also been able to work on my marrige and important relationships. . All in all it worked out for the best.
I'm not scared to write this. If I get caught and get written up or fired for this it's worth it. And if I get fired for speaking my feelings then that place doesn't deserve me. I was told when I got written up and started crying by my boss that if I want to work here I better toughen up. I straight out told her I don't want to work in a place that's going to compromise who I am. This is who I am. And I AM TOUGH DAMN IT! (I didn't say that last part though) It was horrible timing. I was down and out and I felt I was just getting kicked all over the place. BTW they didn't get written up for saying if you say good morning one more time, I'll cut you.
My boss and I are on good terms now. I've made new work friends but the trust is broken. No work friends on FB or sparkpeople but I do spread the spark all over work.
There was an opening for a supervisor position and that person that showed my boss my post had the freaking nerve to ask if I was going to apply. Everyone knows how much I wanted to be a supervisor. I can't, because of her!
Anyways, those people were at MY GYM and I didn't leave. I stuck it out and am so glad I did. My Sparkpeople, My church, my gym are my sacred places. I'm not going to let them destroy that. My facebook used to be but not anymore. Once you get written up at work for a facebook post it no longer becomes a happy place. While at the gym I felt self-conscious Because no one knows me there, I can be myself. My work clothes don't match. I wear all these devices and I wear a fanny pack. But all those things push me and serve a purpose. I don't care how I look all that matters are how I feel after my workout. But it did make me paranoid. I have social and generalized anxiety anyways so it was great getting passed that and just stay being me. I love me! Thanks Sparkpeople!
There's a lot more that happened that led up to that event and has happened since but that's the summary of the work drama. Take this as a cautionary tale or motivation. Who knew 10 years ago you could get written up at work by something as trivial as a thing called facebook?
Daily Dave Matthews (I made this one)
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