Thursday, July 15, 2010
well after the 4th of july i haven't been doing much with this summer. i've completely slacked on eating healthy or even watching what and if i'm eating at all. i don't think i've had a piece of fruit since the 4th. and i've been giving into temptations and cravings left and right. my weight is back up to 144.5 AGAIN. the 7th time now i've rebounded from 140-145. am i ever going to get over this wall?
do i really even want to get over this wall? i've been struggling with finding the motivation and the reasons why i don't just call it quits right here and say that 140-145 is a good weight for me. i'm satisfied here. obviously i want to have a flat stomach and be skinny but do i really want it that bad. maybe i'm just being a pansy. the last 20 pounds are always really hard. and let's face it? i'm not exactly trying. i don't have the persistance of getting 60 minutes in at the gym 5 days a week and tracking all of my calories under 1400 like i did 2 years ago. im sure if i did do that again the weight would start to come off at 1-1.5 pounds a week again. i know i can lose more but again.. do i want to?
this summer has been about relaxing for me. just kicking my heels, trying to pay off debt (while accruing more.. not exactly working the right way), hanging out at the pool and with friends. but it's getting a little overboard. i wake up before only on the days that i have to work in the morning, which is at 11:15 so not even much better. and i'm having a drink or two pretty much everytime i'm not at work. last night my laziness was making me feel so guilty that i went home after being at the bars for an hour.... and my poor best friend got a DUI driving herself home because i left. she blew a .10, just barely over.
but everyday has been waking up around noon.. going to work at 5, maybe eating something before then, starving at work, getting home and having something fast, like wendy's, work food, little caesars, taco bell... etc before going out to the bars for drinks and late night food even later. i feel like crap. i'm so tired. i'm sleeping horribly because i just can't shut my mind off. i need something to focus on everyday to get back to feeling like myself. but i just want to sit here and stare at my computer screen all day until i go to work and then repeat until i fall asleep. some summer.. i'm wasting away SO much time for me to accomplish my goals. i know as soon as school starts again i'm gonna be complaining about i just don't have time to work out and how i wish i could be sleeping right now. why can't i find a balance?