Sunday, January 17, 2010
Jist me growing up... i hated anything that was healthy. until i joined sparkpeople in june of 2008 and tried dieting and eating healthy, i ate 4 main food "groups"
they were: pizza, pasta, chicken nuggets, and fruity candy...
and i'm not exaggerating. those were the only four foods i would ever eat. even when i was 20! my ex-bf would always make fun of me for how picky i was. i would eat other things but rarely... and i always preferred those. now they still are my favorites which is though living in italy where pizza and pasta dominate..
we had a group dinner last weekend and the girls made salad. i found some ranch-like salad dressing (i think it's a mix between ranch, italian, and caesar) and tried it on the salad for dinner. i didn't want to be the only person not taking salad so i tried it. i suprisingly really LIKED it! and i have no idea where this has come from.. but i've been eating a bowl of salad with every meal since then. i rarely eat vegetables still so it's amazing that i'm actually getting servings of veggies each day now.
and on the downside... i hate running now. like i have absolutely no motivation to go running. i could walk for hours and no problem with that but i just don't want to go running. like getting dressed and finding my ipod and not being able to look at buildings around me when im running, it's annoying. like it's boring and repetitive. cobblestone here creates an uneven surface so i constantly have to look at the ground and watch out for dog crap everywhere. i can't look up and at the buildings which makes it annoying. i just start walking then so i can look around. and i hate getting all dressed for running where walking i can just be in street clothes.
i'm trying to focus on food, so exercising isnt that important... but still i need both if i want to maximize my efforts to lose weight... bleh.. i've just become so lazy here. i sleep all the time and lay in bed and never want to get up which is crazy because i'm in Rome but i feel no urgency to get up..
Monday, January 11, 2010
So I'm just starting to watch Julie and Julia.. but I really want to learn how to cook. I'm in Italy for god sakes.. I should take the time to visit markets and find amazing little new foods everywhere. Get myself out in the culture without being scared of it. I'm honestly completely scared of talking to italians or having any conversations with them. I don't know why, but I am really scared.
Every time I've gone to supermarket it's been closed. So tomorrow I need to get to the store and just buy a bunch of stuff, like fresh veggies and fruits, some chicken and herbs, bread, cheese, and wine. Agh it'll be fun I hope.
My mind just can't shut off these last few days. I've been having a really hard time sleeping and just crazy weird times. It's 1:08am. I have class tomorrow starting at 9:30.. Yuck! But I just can't shut my brain off.
The ex-bf that caused me all that misery.. the one that fueled my rage to lose weight.. added me on facebook on new years. at first i was so angry that i just let his request pend... forever.. until today. i changed all the privacy settings for his so he can't see anything of mine except profile photos, some info, not my relationship status, and my status updates.
so of course when i added him that meant that i could look at his profile too. and when i did i was suddenly filled with jealousy and anger and i just can't let these feelings go. from what i gathered though, he's still the same person. and single. and i feel bad because he let me see his entire profile, nothing blocked that i'm aware of.
i know i won't ever get back together with him. i did not love him in a way that was true love. i would be completely unhappy marrying him. but i still care, i want to know everything going on in his life. but i'm not sure if i'm ready. i don't have answers for any of the things he did. why suddenly i was just kicked out and he had a complete change of heart? i want to know. i don't know how i'm supposed to be as a person with him until i know. i just can't forgive him until i know. i can't be happy for him until i understand why he did what he did.
i don't know how i'm supposed to be friends with my first love. he was my first everything. absolutely no way i can treat him just like any other male friend. facebook has made this so difficult. i don't want to let him into my life, not without explaination. but if i turned him down on facebook it just shows i'm not over it or i can't deal with it yet. by adding him its like he's got total forgiveness, he's completely let off the hook, never has to speak to me, apologize, even acknowledge that he knows me if he ever saw, but yet knows everything going on in my life.
i thought by adding him and letting him only see my updates and profile photos that he really doesnt get to know the people involved in my life, just enough to see that i'm doing fine. maybe that's sends the message. like im ok with you know knowing im fine. but we are not just peachy-keen and you aren't off the hook. i don't know if i'll get my answers but i hope i can just move on and not obsess about knowing everything in his life now. i could see myself developing some kind of feelings for him again just out of loneliness, and longing for what we used to have. when i think about the relationship we had, it's still so unreal sometimes that it is over. that i just pretended he didnt exist for the last 2 years. god, this whole thing has really thrown me for a loop. much, much more than i would have ever thought.
Saturday, January 09, 2010
It's Saturday in Rome. I've been here for 1 whole day now. Now I need to start getting my $hit together.
I just got back from an attempt to go running. I completed 3.88 miles plus warm-up and cooldown in 60 minutes. Burned 448 calories according to my nike+. I bought one before leaving so I could track my calories.
I am finally facing the reality of the damage I didnt in November and December. All that time it took to lose weight and struggling with running the whole past year and I threw it away. I looked at some people pages after they left spark for a little bit and then they would come back have gained weight and say, "that will be never be me." The funny part is, I barely left Spark. I checked in like once a week but I never made any changes.
I weighed myself this morning. (Yes, I brought a scale with me to Italy...and protein powder) 151.8 pounds. I can't kid myself anymore. This is not TOM, this is not just a binge from the night before or drinking a lot of water before going to sleep. This is fat. My pants don't fit, all my shirts are tight and look like crap. I have this tire around waist now, where it was almost flat before.
This time last year I weighed 139.5 pounds. 5 pounds crept up over the summer to 144. 3 crept up on me in September to November. and Late November/December I gained 8 more. That just put me over the edge.
I stare at myself in the mirror and I'm literally in shock of how this happened. Like I blinked suddenly I'm big, fat, and lazy again. All of my running endurance is gone. I ran 8 miles in 1hr 22 minutes in September. Today I attempted 4 and it took 1 hour.
I can't believe that it just piled on so quickly.
Since I'm in Rome, I don't have access to a gym. But I also don't have a car. So walking around is all the only choice I have. I don't know much about walking, in cross-country walking was always being lazy, so walking to me doesnt feel like exercise. I need to get out and run for 45 minutes a day though. That's what I'm going to try to do. Just get out there, set my nike+ for 45 minutes and just go trying not to walk. And push myself to keep running. Eventually I know it will get easier.
Standing at the bottom of the hill always look so daunting, but once you get going, find your rhythm it becomes easy and all of sudden you're at the top.
I'm pretty sure this is rock bottom for me. But I'm in a foreign country, processed food is hard to find. I need to get healthy groceries and buy them often. Cook healthy meals and delicious meals. I brought my clean eating cookbook with me and I'm excited to put it to use.
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