Monday, June 23, 2008
I want those. Beautiful abs. I want to be able to walk around in a bikini and think nothing of it because I know I look good.
So 2008 has been ridiculous on my emotions and my self-esteem. It definitely started out with a bang as my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me suddenly, and to top it off - 4 days before Christmas. It destroyed me. Now, 6 months later, I'm taking control of my life. To fix my self-esteem, I need to fix my weight. My weight just seems to be directly linked to my confidence.
This summer I left my midwest hometown and moved 1700 miles away to a suburb of Phoenix, Arizona. Everyone is thin. I rarely see adults who are overweight. That for me is motivating. When I see someone 20 years older than me who is in better shape, weighs less, or fits in a smaller size than me I get annoyed with myself. I left to focus on myself. After this whole experience, I want to be 3x more amazing than what I was before I met him. I want to have the confidence in myself to know that I don't need a boyfriend to make myself happy. And of course, I need to lose weight to get back on the market. I want to attract the people that I deserve. Lately, I feel like I'm a girl who unfortunately always attract creepy, strange guys. No offense to them, they're probably nice, but I can do better.
Let's take a look at a little of my history with weight. In 5th grade I broke 100 pounds standing 4'6" tall which is about 30 pounds overweight. That is when I started realizing that I am not the same size as all the other girls. This really shook me up. I basically dipped into depression for the next 3 years because of my weight. It was a vicious circle, depressed because I was fat, and fat because I was depressed. My first victory happened at the end of 8th grade when I lost 10 pounds and that was enough to pull me out of depression. I don't remember how I did it but I weighed 128 pounds at 5'1". It didn't last long because when I was weighed in at the fitness tests in gym of freshmen year of high school I weighed 138 pounds at 5'2".
So all of high school I stayed within +/- 3 pounds around 140. My sophomore year spring I lost 12 pounds on the atkins diet that brought me from 145 to 133 but I was back upto 138 by summer. My junior year I decided to go out for track and run long distance to help me lose weight because I just couldn't eat right no matter how hard I tried. Unfortunately, I didn't lose any weight but I did gain confidence from never finishing a 1/2 mile to running 6 miles in under an hour. By summer I gained another 5 pounds and then I went to France. I lost 7 pounds on the trip that brought me back to 138. That fall, I went out for cross country and lost about 5 pounds throughout the entire season.
At Thanksgiving senior year, I weighed in at 133 pounds and was almost into a size 6. I was really starting to feel amazing. I could run as long as I felt like and I was on the verge of buying new size clothes. Then I met my ex-boyfriend, who spoiled me by taking me out to eat and told me over and over how great I looked. So I got a little lazy. And I also went on the pill. By the end of my senior year I weighed 145 and was waivering between a size 8 and 10.
So starts freshmen college. I don't remember my weight specifically but all second semester I stayed at 148. I don't know what it is with the 8's. That summer I wanted to train for a half-marathon but I worked 60 hours a week and was trying to combat all of my eating out with the boyfriend. Needless to say, it didn't happen. Fast forward to November 2007, that fall, I broke 160, in fact I was getting eerily close to breaking 170. A number I never thought I would ever see on the scale.
The beginning of Christmas break I weighed in at 169.5 pounds. I cried. I felt disgusting. All of my size 12 jeans were getting very tight, I actually had to buy a pair of 14's. I no longer fit in anything sold at Abercrombie or Hollister. 2 of my favorite stores. All that was left was American Eagle, where I worked.
I remember when I was a loose size 8 folding the size 12 and 14 jeans. Holding them up and thinking these are friggin huge! I called them the fat pants sizes that belonged on the bottom shelf so no one would see them. December 20th, my boyfriend broke up with me in the most unhumanely way. I lost 11 pounds in 3 weeks over that Xmas break because I basically stopped eating. I remember Xmas day all I ate was a sliver of turkey, 1 slice of apple pie and a peanut butter cookie, THE WHOLE DAY! I probably ate around 2,000 calories for the whole week. I really didn't keep track.
I slept like all day and stayed up all night crying. And on top of that I had to face myself in the mirror at nearly the biggest weight I have ever been wondering if he really meant it when he said he's not attracted to me anymore because I let myself go.
I started spring 2008 semester with a goal to lose 20 pounds. School took up too much time that I just couldn't dedicate myself to it completely. Sleeping on average 5 hours a night, it was just too hard. And drinking myself under the table helped me get through the weekends without having a boyfriend. At parties, I would somewhat get hit on but not a whole lot and definitely not by people that I thought I would... that was heart-breaking. I never got asked out on date. And I really hated being single.
So that was really long but I needed to get it all out. Now it's summer. I've somewhat healed by heart and fixed my mind, but now I need to fix my body. I've been working out for 3 weeks now, and sticking to my nutrition plan. I've lost around 1 or 2 pounds but really I haven't noticed any change. Then I realized that this is not going to happen on crash dieting and exercising. It's going to take a lot longer than just the summer. I'll admit, I am really frustrated because I thought I would notice differences by now, but really I feel no different at all. But I just gotta keep going.