Monday, November 09, 2009
I, like so many people recall the moment that I realized I was overweight - well obese. It was shortly a year after my spouse died, he had asked me for 18 year's to marry him and I always declined, though I would be 'engaged'.
Two month's before he passed away from a drug overdose, I realized that we had 2 children together and we had been together almost 2 decade's. I had put enough trust in our relationship that I knew it would last - and I finally agreed to marry him. He was elated, at night we would do all the gushy stuff of preperation. Our wedding was to take place at the ocean on our 20th anniversary together (which would have been last year). Then within a matter of week's he had died.
The grief was intolerable, yet I knew I had to go through the motions of each stage of grief and not deny it, for surely it would eat me alive.
I did not realize how much I was eating, or that I was gaining weight. All I knew was that 'grease' was my friend, my best friend actually. Eating, drinking and doing drug's.
Then the day came. I saw myself in a full length mirror I have beside my bathroom. Hundred's of times I had walked past it, yet never 'saw' in it. I realized what family and the odd friend were telling me: I was Fat!.
Now in all honesty, I have to admit that I am a diagnosed Narrcacistic personality, so it isn't just 'looks' but also the behaviour I live with. So when a Narrcacist see's a flaw in themselves it is similar to a nuclear bomb BLOWING off. I 'needed' the praise of other's to make me feel good. I had to 'know' that I was still desirable, so I became promiscous - and it was GREAT!! Not only was I overweight, I was able to fill the void of emptiness, through men and women. I then discovered here online about 'BBW' or the fetish "Big Beautiful Women" - I then had an exscuse to continue my terrible eating habit's that brought me relief and joy..yet still be praised, to me, it was a win - win situation.
Once I had satisfied myself that I was a desirable person thin or fat... only then did I decide my weight gain was an issue. When the odd person would mention my weight, I simply told them "It is the blanket of love I wear for Eric"
Just as I had to accept the loss of my mate, I have come to accept that the blanket I am wearing must go as well.
I have alot of difficulty with pain in my shins (shin splints) and feet bones that walking for 10 minute's almost make's me cry in pain and I do know it is as a result of the weight.
Slowly but surely, I am going to win, as hard as it takes.