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It was FUN being Fat, then it Wasn't

Monday, November 09, 2009

I, like so many people recall the moment that I realized I was overweight - well obese. It was shortly a year after my spouse died, he had asked me for 18 year's to marry him and I always declined, though I would be 'engaged'.

Two month's before he passed away from a drug overdose, I realized that we had 2 children together and we had been together almost 2 decade's. I had put enough trust in our relationship that I knew it would last - and I finally agreed to marry him. He was elated, at night we would do all the gushy stuff of preperation. Our wedding was to take place at the ocean on our 20th anniversary together (which would have been last year). Then within a matter of week's he had died.

The grief was intolerable, yet I knew I had to go through the motions of each stage of grief and not deny it, for surely it would eat me alive.

I did not realize how much I was eating, or that I was gaining weight. All I knew was that 'grease' was my friend, my best friend actually. Eating, drinking and doing drug's.

Then the day came. I saw myself in a full length mirror I have beside my bathroom. Hundred's of times I had walked past it, yet never 'saw' in it. I realized what family and the odd friend were telling me: I was Fat!.

Now in all honesty, I have to admit that I am a diagnosed Narrcacistic personality, so it isn't just 'looks' but also the behaviour I live with. So when a Narrcacist see's a flaw in themselves it is similar to a nuclear bomb BLOWING off. I 'needed' the praise of other's to make me feel good. I had to 'know' that I was still desirable, so I became promiscous - and it was GREAT!! Not only was I overweight, I was able to fill the void of emptiness, through men and women. I then discovered here online about 'BBW' or the fetish "Big Beautiful Women" - I then had an exscuse to continue my terrible eating habit's that brought me relief and joy..yet still be praised, to me, it was a win - win situation.

Once I had satisfied myself that I was a desirable person thin or fat... only then did I decide my weight gain was an issue. When the odd person would mention my weight, I simply told them "It is the blanket of love I wear for Eric"

Just as I had to accept the loss of my mate, I have come to accept that the blanket I am wearing must go as well.

I have alot of difficulty with pain in my shins (shin splints) and feet bones that walking for 10 minute's almost make's me cry in pain and I do know it is as a result of the weight.

Slowly but surely, I am going to win, as hard as it takes.

Blessings All,

Diet Diva

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MR_UNDER_300 11/9/2009 11:22AM

    I'm sorry for your loss.

Comment edited on: 11/9/2009 11:24:01 AM

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The Jiggle That Wasn't Jello

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Halloween has come and gone. It is my favourite holiday because I don't feel terribly out of place in public. I simply embellish my normal wear.

The day before halloween I was rummaging through a 2nd hand clothing store, there was a fabulous plate for $1.00 handmade and would look great with my current halloween place setting.

-Never send a woman to buy one or two item's. It has something to do with genetics I think-

I thought to myself *I'm going to surprise EvErY OnE and go as a NURSE for the holiday!!!* Women donating there uniforms smart idea! ... smart until I saw the size's emoticon. Nothing that would fit me, pants maybe I could get to my knees, shirts or cloaks - yeah right, suddenly the little cute flower's and other calming cartoons weren't comforting me when I looked like I was in a straight jacket unable to get them past my elbow's!.

Not terribly surprising, the division of clothes beside the nurse's uniform's were maternity clothes. When I started to gain weight 2-3 year's ago, I had purchased one pair of maternity pants, until they became to small. So I looked them over and there were lot's of jean's in large and xlarge. Helllooo, I hadn't worn jean's for almost 3 year's! They were mine!

Wow it felt incredible to be wearing jean's. I guess I am what people refer to as 'volupous', though I'm obese, it balances out still in a very fat hourglass with breast's that enter a room before I do and a bum that remains in the room as I exit, though the fat built alot on my stomach and hip's and finding clothes of any comfort has been difficult.

I'm very happy to have found pants, jeans that fit with comfort! though unhappy they are maternity with no baby on board?! It though gave me esteem to donate my 'someday I will fit in those clothes again' wardrobe away.

Currently, I am happy to be comfortable in clothes, albeit, clothes I do not need, this though has given me some initiative to still continue with my reduction of food intake. In the past year, I have 'maintained' my weight instead of continually gaining - but that is another entry all together!!

Peace Out, and yes, I'm guilty of eating a bag of halloween chips today emoticon

Diet Diva