Sunday, September 14, 2008
Ok...so I know I have trouble with my moods. I can be very moody at times. I know that at times I get euphorically high. But I don't really have bad lows. I DO have periods of EXTREME MAJOR irritability and agitation and anxiety and anger, and the drs always want to call that "depression". But they usually pass within a day or so. At this moment I am in a downright FUNK. I have been so irritable/angry for the past few days. And now I have a SUPER case of the pure BLAHS. I literally feel like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. I don't know what's up but I hope it passes it fast. Maybe it's just some strange one-time hormonal thing. Y'all just pray for me. I have tried at least a half dozen various meds in the past to try and make me stay on an even keel, but nothing ever worked. I had gotten so much better for a long time, this is the first yuck time I've had in a while. I just pray it passes and doesn't return!
Anyhoo, THANKS to all who gave me birthday wishes!! I did have a good birthday! (And, no...my turning a year older did NOT send me into this yucky downward spiral I'm on. I don't stress TOO much about aging...yet!)
I have to apologize for my "absence" lately. I have not felt a lot like computing over the past week and it's really hard to be a great motivator to others if you are not feeling too motivated yourself! But the biggest reason for my not having checked in is that I HATE MY SLOW GOOD-FOR-NOTHING USELESS POINTLESS AGGRAVATING IRRITATING WASTE-OF-MONEY dial-up internet!!!! I have had it!! Every evening when I would try to get on, it would connect, then disconnect 2 minutes later. After 2 days of that, then another 2 of it refusing to load pages unless I waited 15 minutes, I just gave up!! I finally decided to try again tonight and it has been just ok. S...L...O...W...but working at least. I am getting sattelite internet ASAP. I filled out a form to place an order tonight so hopefully by the end of the week I will be up and computing like normal folks!!!
As for me and my eating...well...I have not GAINED anything so I am THRILLED with that. But at the same time, I have not lost any either, so that's a bummer. I have been having too many bingisodes and NOT enough exercising. It's just been so hard keeping things going with school starting back and all. I am so tired when I get home.
However, two bright points in my exercise dilemma...we just recently got a Wii game system and I LOVE it!! ( I was much the video game addict back in the day! And that was just when there was nothing but regular Nintendo, so you can imagine how much I am LOVING this thing!!!) I would not let my kids have a game but my mother insisted on getting them the Wii. I had heard so much about the Wii Fit game and all that kinda stuff until I finally gave in. We don't have Fit yet as it stays sold out at the Wal Marts and other stores around here. I'm probably gonna just get it off eBay this week. We got the Wii Sports package and it is great too. I played the boxing for a while the night we got it and man was THAT a help!! My arms were pertty sore for a few days afterward, but I really ENJOYED beating the crap outta those folks! LOL! It certainly helped with some of my frustrations. Ya know, I will try that in a little while! Maybe it will help me now! Hahaha...
The other bright spot is also a downer too...my oldest son is playing in our town's Youth Football League. That means practice 3 evenings a week for 2-2 1/2 hours at a time. UGH! My hubby doesn't get off in time to take him or even pick him up so I have to. But the good news is that practices are held at our town park and there is an AWESOME walking track there. I stuck around to watch him practice every time last week , but starting with tomorrow's practice, I'm going to use that track. Even if I am tired and worn-out feeling, I cannot stand just sitting around with NOTHING to do, so I will make myself get up and walk.
Ok. I do feel better! I have been missing my spark because I have been missing My Spark!! LOL! Ok...if I'm up to making cheesy jokes like THAT, I MUST be feeling better!! LOL!
Peace and blessings to all my fellow strugglers!!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
This past week was pretty uneventful as far as my "New Way of Life" is concerned. I don't have any huge news to blog about. I had a great blog entry going last Sunday evening about that past week, but the lights went out for a few secs and I lost it. When they came back on, I was so aggravated that I just said forget it.
School started back on Monday. Boy was it quite the roller coaster!! I am teaching kindergarten AND 1st grades this year. But they each have their own self-contained classrooms, so my assistant and I are playing mad-dash all day. I'm back and forth so much that I feel as if I will pass myself! At least maybe I'm getting in some kinda work-out with it though. The only problem is that I am so tired and my feet are hurting so bad that by the time I get home, I don't feel like doing the 10,000-step walk I had been doing 3-5 times a week. I need to get some better shoes for one thing. I've been just wearing my various flip-flops. But the outside sides of my ankles (esp my left one) are swelling and KILLING me, so I think I need something a little more supportive. I wear capris though and hate to wear tennis shoes with them. Don't know if some good sandals will cut it. (If anyone has any input on possible causes of my pain and ways to solve it, please let me know! I'm not so sure it's just my weight. I think it may be arthritis. I have it bad in some of my fingers already, and in my knees, so why not my ankles too?)
As for my eating, I am still doing good. Every day is not perfect, but my absolute worst eating day now is still FAR better than my best days used to be. I don't do junk food, other than pretzels and occasionally some Pringles. I sometimes eat a little more than I would like to at supper, but it's usually cuz I have been too long since eating and have let myself get ravenous. Still, I am eating about half what I used to for supper. My water consumption is inconsistent to say the least. It's an all-or-nothing kinda thing. If I get started on it, I drink the full amount I should. But some days I just don't get it started to begin with. Gotta work on it cuz I def want to eat more when I don't have my water. Also gotta break out my exercise DVDs and find some stuff to do if I can't walk. And, like now, Fay is settled over us and we are expecting rain until Wednesday, so I gotta find smething to do indoors.
I am practicing lots of the "tricks" to cut back my food consumption. I have always used the biggest plate I could find. I've been using my smallest ones now. And I used to pile the food on. Now I dole myself small portions, half or less of what I used to fix. And when I am done, and find myself wanting more, I get up and go potty, or just fumble around in the kitchen for a bit to see if the desire to have more passes and it almost always does. I also used to hang around the table, just sitting there after everyone else had gone. When my hubby would head out for his After-Dinner Smoke, I would have some more After-Dinner Dinner!! I would eat. And eat. And...u get it. Now, I am the first one done. And he and the kids have been clearing the table, so I'm not tempted to finish stuff off then either. If I pull out all my little tricks, and I STILL find myself unsatisfied, I have a hand full of pretzels or some baby carrots. And I don't have anything at all after supper except water and carrots or pretzels if absolutely neccessary.
I have also passed another little hurdle. I love, adore, and crave Chinese food. My favorite is Moo Goo Gai Pan. And we actually have a small local Chinese take-out place. I love their Moo Goo combo, which is a container of Moo Goo and pork fried rice, and an egg roll on the side. Their egg rolls are AWFUL, so I don't eat that. I used to sit and scarf the whole meal down at once. Well, now when I get it, I get a plate and rake out half of the Moo Goo and rice onto the plate to eat then and put the other half in the fridge for a second meal later. And the thing that AMAZES me is that I am FULL after I eat half!! I look at it now and wonder how I was ever able to eat to eat the whole thing before and not be just miserably sick. Sometimes I was sick afterward though.
Thankfully, I have only had that miserably full feeling once in the past few weeks. One of the things I love about my new life, is that I don't wake up every morning feeling hung-over. That is exactly how I used to feel most mornings. I would awaken feeling (still) overly full, blah, yucky, fat, headachy, breathless, gassy, etc. And of course, I'd vow, promise, and swear that it was the LAST time I would EVER do that to myself again. Then my day would start, and inevitably, it would end with me going to bed making the same kind of promises that I woke up making. What a nasty, nasty cycle!! Waking with disappointment, guilt, anger, and dread. Eating through your day obliviously. Going to bed with the same disappointment, guilt, anger, and dread that you woke with. Yecchh! THAT IS N-O WAY TO LIVE.
Now, I have more energy. I have less pains. My stomach doesn't stay upset. I don't feel breathless all the time. My mood is better. I feel tremendous pride in myself, pride that I am DOING IT!! And pride in how I look...even though there are no real noticeable differences yet after just 10 lbs., I still FEEL like I look better. Used to, I would go out most of the time with my head hung in shame...feeling as if everyone in the world could see what a nasty, gorging pig I was. Now, even though most people have no idea that I have changed and am changing, I just feel so much better about myself when I am out. It's weird and hard to explain.
I ramble on like this in all of my postings and blogs for 2 reasons. First of all, it is so very therapeutic for me. Secondly, it is my sincerest hope that...somebody on one of their darkest days, or somebody who needs to embark on this kinda journey but just doesn't think they can do it...it is my hope that these people might find some kind of inspiration/hope in my writings.
I cannot say this enough...IF I CAN DO IT, ANYBODY CAN. If you are there, I HAVE BEEN THERE TOO. If you are going through it, I HAVE GONE THROUGH IT TOO. If you are struggling, I HAVE STRUGGLED TOO. If you have felt depressed and hopeless, I HAVE FELT DEPRESSED AND HOPELESS TOO. If you feel totally powerless over food, I HAVE FELT TOTALLY POWERLESS OVER FOOD TOO. If you want to just give up and decide to stay fat forever, I HAVE GIVEN UP MANY TIMES AND DECIDED TO STAY FAT TOO. I have told myself and friends so many times..."Well, I'm not trying to land a man, I have a man and he loves me no matter what, so what's the point in losing weight? I'm still mobile, so why bother??" I am probably the only fool on the planet who has always looked at anorexics with pure JEALOUSY. I actually TRIED to become bulimic, but thankfully I was just never able to make myself throw-up no matter how hard I tried. (Please don't chastise me and fuss about these kinds of thoughts...I truly DO realize that anorexia and bulimia are TERRIBLE diseases and I am NOT trying to make light of them. I am just being honest about my own twisted thought patterns.) I have been a sick, sick girl. I know that I truly do have a problem with food, the same way an alcoholic has a problem with alcohol. (Imagine them HAVING to still drink alcohol several times a day though, but in moderation!!) This is and always will be a journey for me. And it will be always be a minute-to-minute struggle to remain gorge-free. At this moment I am winning the battle. So I just revel in this moment without looking back at the moment before or looking ahead to the moment yet to come. If for no other moment in time, for right now...I am okay.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Huge Hurdle Number 1 for this weekend: So last night we went out to eat as a family. And where did we go? Where we always go of course! Golden Corral, home of the absolute BEST country and steak buffet around these parts!
I was nervous going into it. Waaayyy nervous. Me and Golden Corral go way back in my dieting history. The last time I did Weight Watchers, several years ago, I fell off the wagon and was never able to get back on mostly due to a buffet meal at GC. And it was supposed to have been my REWARD MEAL for a job well-done and several pounds lost after a month with WW!! It was NOT a pretty sight. I ate until I was sick. LITERALLY. After that lil episode, I decided that I COULD NOT and WOULD NOT "deprive" myself of food...my fave foods and lots of em... EVER AGAIN. And that was that.
So from the moment we decided yesterday to go there for supper, I was a lil scared. Okay...I was a LOT scared. But I know that I can't hide from restaurants, and buffets in particular, forever. So I decided that I needed a plan ahead of time. I have SUCH a HUGE problem with quantity. I started trying to think of what I could eat there...and eat LOTS of it...and not feel jealous of everyone else and deprived of great food joy. So, I made pre-planned what I could have.
And...drum roll please...I STUCK TO IT!! I started with a salad. It was sizeable, but it was 95% greens with a little parm cheese, egg, fresh mushrooms, grilled chicken, and Thousand Island dressing. It was great! And I was actually pretty satisfied afterward. But I couldn't go to GC without and leave without some of their awesome steak. So I had a lean piece, approx 6 oz. I also had some steamed broccoli, lima beans, and a small piece of baked fish. I did have a moment of weakness where a roll jumped into my hands and begged to be put out of its misery. Who am I to deny such a request?? For dessert, I had fresh strawberries dipped in a tiny bit of chocolate.
Now..I know this is a lot of food. But I tried to choose good quality. And if you had seen how I used to eat there...well let's just say that it's far better left unseen.
Today was Huge Hurdle Number Two for this weekend. We go every Sunday to my dear mother-in-law's for lunch. She is a great cook! And she cooks all my old country faves...rice n gravy, chicken n dumplings, dressing, roast, fried chicken, biscuits, etc. And I usually end up so full that I can do nothing else for the rest of the day except lie around. Well, today I did GREAT! I had 2 little barbecue chicken wings, some butterbeans, a SMALL portion of chicken n dumplings...but..yet again another darned roll came at me. And once again, I did away with the dirty little thing. (Can you tell that I have a MAJOR WEAKNESS FOR CARBS??!) But, I vowed that I would have no cake for dessert cuz of the roll so I didn't.
YAY! One weekend down!! Weekends can be potential traps for me as we don't really have routines on the weekends and we alwyas like to eat out. But surprisingly, I sit here Sunday eve and I do not feel ravenous, bitter, angry, deprived, mad, jealous or any of those other feelings that I often get when I am "changing the way I eat". (I'm trying to completely STOP using that nasty lil word that begins with a "D" because what I am actually doing is learning to eat like a NORMAL person. I am NOT dieting. You "diet" to lose a few lbs. I am eating to MAINTAIN.)
So. There. I know I am long-winded. But writing this helps me so I will try to keep it up for myself. If youtake time to read it GREAT! You can struggle along with me!! LOL!
Friday, August 08, 2008
Well...I have survived Days One and Two!! Woo Hoo!! Believe me, I am ecstatic cuz I am NOT one of these people that finds dieting/losing weight easy AT ALL. I loves me some food and I loves LOTS & LOTS of it! lol. Yesterday I did ok, but I didn't eat enough calories, drink enough water, or exercise. Today I have done a little better. My caloric intake should be ok and I ma about to go for a long walk. I'm going to the grocery store tomorrow and stock up on all the veggies and healthy stuff that I love. The whole family is about to learn to eat light and healthy!
I passed a huge hurdle today. My hubby wanted to go to McDonald's for lunch (for those who don't know my SMALL town, we only have a choice between that, pizza, Sonic, chicken, or Chinese & we chose cheap and dine-in in the cool air!) So I'm panicking going in...literally clammy, nervous pacnic. I was like "Awww...you did good yesterday, you can have the 10-pc. nugget meal that you usually get! NO BIG DEAL!" But then that angel on my other shoulder said "NONONO! That's the kind of thinking you ALWAYS have and that's what always gets you into trouble! You need to learn to make better choices EVERY time!" So I got the Asian salad with grilled chicken and I hate dressing so didn't calorize it up anymore than it already was. And I LOVED IT! It was sooo good! I did splurge a lil tho and ate probably about a small order of fries from those my hubby and son had left over. And when I left I was STUFFED so that made me feel GREAT!! I crave that FULL TO THE BRIM feeling. And it wasn't that "Ohhh I'm miserable and queasy feeling from all that grease!" kind of stuffed. So I was THRILLED to find that I can love something HEALTHY from McDon's!! For me it's all about having things to choose from!
Okay...off to walk now!! Until next time...
Thursday, August 07, 2008
I joined Spark several years ago when some friends and I were doing a little private weight loss group together. I enjoyed Spark immensely, but as with most things in my life, I either got too "busy" or bored with it. I thought of it several months ago and rejoined. But I guess I was not as serious as I then thoguht about weight loss, because here I sit almost 4 months later ahving even logged on to Spark a handful of times. If I am not ready, and I mean REALLY READY, then weight loss is impossible for me. As I sit here right now, today, I am ready. Really ready. If I can just conquer that ravenous beast in me that cannot get enough to eat, then I can and will do this. I am going to take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I have to. I am one of those people who will majorly blow my "diet" in the blink of an eye by bingeing out on a tub of ice cream or a whopping plate of spaghetti or whatever. And it's really easy to get discouraged after an episode like that. I just have to try my best and if I do slip, oh well...life goes on. I always tend to slip once or twice and say "Oh forget it! It's impossible!" I just wish I knew WHY OH WHY I loved food so much!! UGH!! I will keep the mantras "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" and "A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips" rolling through my head and do this one step at a time.
So...here I go AGAIN. Ready to embark on this lonely, scary, dreaded journey that will hopefully result in my shedding this ugly caterpillar body so that the light, airy butterfly within can emerge!! Only time will tell.....
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