Wednesday, December 07, 2011
I've been bored at work today, so I've been reading a bunch of blogs... It seems like a lot of people on the site have had a negative image of themselves for awhile. I know I definitely do, and I'm working on changing that.
I don't know why I started gaining weight when I was little. I was a stick until I was about 8, then I don't know if pre-puberty kicked in or what, but from 4th grade on I went from being the 'chubby' kid in the class to the 'fat' girl in high school.
I think everyone has been tormented in some way if you were a kid that was overweight. Fortunately for me I had a really great group of friends, and sarcasm was my second language. When idiots would pick on me, I would verbally harass them right back and make them look stupid. While everyone else around me probably thought it didn't bother me, laughed at the bully, and that I had "won" that fight -- it was really damaging to my psyche.
So ever since high school I never really felt pretty. I mean I know I'm not ugly, and everyone can leave supportive comments -- but until it sticks in your head, you never really feel pretty. I've always been stylish with hair and makeup (as long as we don't look back at the photos from the 90s!) -- but I have never, ever been hit on by a guy that was decent. Honestly I have been hit on by 4 men in cars at stoplights smoking pot. The first one was weird, the second one was like--woah deja vu, and the next few just got annoying.
None of my guy friends ever saw me as a woman, but now that I've had my epiphany -- I'm taking control of my life and getting rid of all of that negative self talk. Part of this confidence boost has come from online dating. My friends basically forced me to join, kicking and screaming. And now I have a date with a lawyer and an engineer this weekend... Its crazy to go from zero interest to being double booked in one weekend! So my self-confidence has gone off the charts.
I have officially banned negative self-talk. There won't be anymore coming out of me! So I am officially raining on everyone's pity parties. Stop the negative self talk! You are beautiful, you are great, and you can continue to make changes that will make your life better!
Monday, December 05, 2011
So I haven't weighed in for two weeks. I was imagining a terrible weigh-in, or at least a so-so weigh-in. But... I didn't! Sometime in the last two weeks of stress/cleaning/Thanksgiving 1/traveling/Thanksgiving 2/my cousin's wedding/early X-mas ... (yea, I've been busy!) -- I managed to not only maintain, but continue to lose.
I tried to be very conscious of my eating, especially since all of the food was made for people who didn't care about their weight. But I did indulge in chocolate. Maybe I should just add that to my daily intake to see if it helps :-)
I had to go through a lot of stress with my mom this past week, who has food issues, and try to show her SparkPeople. She just doesn't understand it. She's semi-computer literate, and totes her iPad everywhere, but she just doesn't understand about adding food and how the trackers work. And her portion sizes are all ridiculously underestimated. She asked for a food scale for X-mas like mine, so hopefully she'll use it. She also ate almost an entire box (wait, scratch that) between two boxes of candy, she ate more than one box of chocolates just by herself. I helped a little, but it was See's and we only get that once a year a X-mas.
My mom and I did have quite a successful shopping trip last week. I said earlier I wasn't going to splurge on clothes and stuff for myself... but I did. Major shopping overload. I found the cutest (and very tight!) size 14 dress at Nordstrom Rack for my cousin's wedding. I could barely breathe, but I looked great, so I was fine with not being able to sit comfortably. I'll put a pic up later.
And I found my new motivation. I got a $350 pair of knee high, leather Ugg boots (the cute designer kind, not the slipper kind) that just baaaarely fit for $120! I'm a size 12 shoe, so if I find a cute shoe/steal like that, I can't miss it. The problem is -- right now they really don't go all the way up to my knee. My calf is still slightly too big = motivation to keep going, so I can wear my boots!
My last post was about how awful my first thanksgiving was -- this second round with the entire family was better. The family was invited to the rehearsal dinner for my cousin's wedding friday night. My aunts fawned over me, telling me how good I look. One of them complimented my butt -- weird. Another raised my arms, and said, 'oh that's the only place you can still see you're...' -- and then my grandma said, 'you know you look a lot better than you used to.' For a second I felt like I was in Sixteen Candles... awkward family moments!
Then Saturday before the wedding we had a big family thanksgiving with all of the aunts and uncles from out of town. I did good, didn't eat any dessert (since i wanted wedding cake that night), and managed to get through that debacle with a decent calorie count. Then it was a mad dash to get ready, when my sister (who had to wear a size 16 dress) threw a hissy fit. She hated her hair, she hated her outfit... yada yada yada = she hated herself for gaining weight and was lashing out. I let her husband deal with her and got into my new dress.
The wedding was fun. Since I didn't have to do anything (like at my sisters' 2 weddings this year) it was relaxing... but there was a candy bar... and dinner wasn't for 1.5 hours.... so I ate a lot of gummy bears... and some Hershey kisses... but dinner wasn't that great, so I didn't eat much of it (everything was drenched in butter and salt, ick). So after my candy binge, I was a little worried about the weigh-in today.
When I got back to my house yesterday after being gone for 9 days -- I was just happy to be able to relax. AND to get back on my treadmill. I had only been doing core workouts while I was gone, so my abs are fine, but my calves weren't up to snuff. I didn't get as far as I usually do, but I'll get back by the end of this week.
Now today. I'm planning a baby shower for tomorrow. I bought the usual candy bars to go in the diaper bit -- but I don't feel like wasting the entire candy bar... so either I'm going to be tempted like mad tonight, or I'll bring the other half of the candy bar to the shower. Hui wants an ice cream cake too. I could usually make a cake, but I'm going to go to the professionals for this one. I know Coldstone Creamery makes good ones, but the calorie counts are staggering. Trust me, once you real their nutritional information, you'll second guess your next trip there. I think I'll go with Baskin Robbins since its close to work, but does anyone know if DQ is healthier? (as healthy as chocolate and ice cream and cake can get anyway)
So I'm in a fantastic mood. SUPER motivated after this morning... and I will be cashing in a ticket to ONEderland by the end of the year!
So yay me! (Sorry if this is annoying, but I'm in a really great mood!)
Monday, November 28, 2011
So Thanksgiving is supposed to be a happy time, right? 'Cause it was awful. We technically aren't having Thanksgiving until next weekend -- but my parents still made me come home, not directly, but basically through guilt. My sisters got spared the fun...
My parents apparently got in a fight, expected me to play referee, and did nothing to help cook or clean. So I cooked, so we would at least eat something together. I made some healthy sides to go with the ham -- which I didn't know that a cooked ham needs to bake for 4 hours to caramelize. Who knew a cooked ham, had to be cooked more -- I only put it in for 2.5 hours... it was okay, but not great. But while this was going on, my dad was cursing and throwing stuff -- my mom, who doesn't drink, had 3 beers and wouldn't talk to anyone -- and I just put on really loud christmas music on Pandora to drown both of them out.
So I got through the day, started to get ready to go to bed, and I realize I left a really important bag at my house -- 2 hours away, so I didn't get any of my allergy meds that night. Since I had to fly out Saturday morning for my vacation, I got up super early and spend 5.5 hours in a car going back home, grabbing my bag, and driving back to my parents. It was fun, let me tell you...
So the next day my mom wasn't any better -- her depression has really got her in a funk. My dad was crabby because he had gotten up at 3am to go spend waaaay too much money at Sear's Hardware and Lowes... I needed to get out of there!
But then on Saturday I flew up to Chicago -- hung out with my old college roommate -- saw the Muppet movie (btw--its amazing), and then had a really fun game night...
The next morning, I saw yet another one of my former roommates and we hung out for a bit as she drove me up to visit another college friend (Chicagoland is huge). That friend then drove me up to Ann Arbor, MI with her since she was going back to school. I have had the best two days. I am so glad I took the time and money out to visit these girls.
And my MI friend convinced me to start online dating... so *eep* here goes nothing! I definitely would not have done this 70 pounds ago. Or hell, 40 pounds ago. So its definitely interesting. We'll see how this goes...
I'm trying to be good while I am here -- eating smartly, but there are no calorie counts on local restaurant menus or snacks people brought to game night -- so I'm trying to be sensible about what I'm choosing. I've had to deny food a lot though. They know I'm losing weight, but they just don't understand how deep choosing what you eat goes. I'm not going to be the friend that splits a fried appetizer anymore. I don't care if you feel guilty for eating most of it... I'm not joining in. No I don't want more churros after we had a full dinner, I'm good. So I'm trying, I'm working on it, and I better damn well make it to ONEderland soon.
Here's to hoping this weekend's family thanksgiving/cousin's wedding doesn't kill me from stress!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
And so it begins... the Holidays.
I had an earlier start than I had planned. My sister didn't have anything to do on her birthday today--so my mom decided to drive down, pick her up, and stay last night and today at my house to go shopping (and to eat).
My sister's favorite restaurant is Red Lobster. The same Red Lobster who just got a "F' when rated for being healthy... So I planned ahead, had very good calorie counts for breakfast and lunch, only ate 1.5 biscuits (which is amazing, since I used to eat like 4!), limited my splurge to the caesar salad and ate grilled shrimp and broccoli -- and not even all of the shrimp or any of the rice pilaf. So I felt pretty good. Meanwhile my sister put away an entire fried appetizer, a salad with like 4 tbs of blue cheese dressing, four biscuits, and a dozen coconut shrimp in pina colada sauce... My mom hates seafood, so she didn't really eat much more than biscuits and salad.
And then we got back to the house. I was stuffed to the gills, so I was done for the night. Not my family. They kept asking for stuff to eat. It was kind of shocking, since I've been isolated in my own little diet world for the last few months. My mom ate half a bag of chips, a few cups of milk, and a king size candy bar that my sister had in her purse, and some ice cream. My sister had two bowls of ice cream, like 4 glasses of milk, and six of the left over coconut shrimp from my mom's dinner that she didn't eat... and this is all like 2 hours after we ate dinner. I don't get that at all!
So to put this in perspective -- they both want to lose weight. They both want to be healthy. They both complain about being overweight. And when I say -- well duh, don't order fried food or try to pre-portion the chips when you buy them -- or plan meals... they just say, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So one of my goals when I joined was that I was "Done being the fat sister." Well through a mixture of me losing 60 pounds, and my sister gaining 30 -- mission accomplished -- but in a much more negative way than I had originally planned... so although I feel bad for her, I know it is her own choices that made her have to go buy a size 16 dress for my cousin's wedding next weekend. While I am so excited to wear a form fitting size 14 from Coldwater Creek.
So that was Monday... now Tuesday. We had planned to go to breakfast at a really nice place in town. I was up at 7:30, usual for a Tuesday. Beth didn't get up until 9:45 and we basically had to both take showers and try and stir her awake. I don't know many 37 year olds who sleep 11 hours. And sleep until noon. But that's another story.
So I ate breakfast at 10:45. That's not breakfast -- that's friggin' lunch! Ugh. Anyway, I ordered a healthy, 1 pancake, scrambled egg whites, and a side of fruit. My mom got pancakes, eggs, and bacon. Beth got eggs benedict. Both not super healthy. Then my mom the food pusher tries to get me to eat some of her food since she had too much. So I had about 1/3 of a piece of bacon, but no more. I shut up, put some of her food on my plate and moved it around. Sometimes I just don't get why my mom tries to get me to eat food that I know isn't good for my calorie count, she knows isn't good for my calorie count, and tries to constantly make me eat it?
I was planning on leaving them in the early afternoon to get to work, but my sister was being a crab ass -- which pissed my mom off, since she made this special trip to be with Beth on her birthday, so I was stuck playing peacemaker and trying to get them back home without killing each other... so I didn't really go to work today. I'm not sure my boss did either, so I think I got a pass. The campus is a ghost town right now, which I love. So tomorrow I need to play catch up since my 1.5 week long vacation starts on Thanksgiving. And then the trial continues to keep from slipping.
One of my friends in Chicago offered to take me to her gym if I wanted to go, but I only have about 16 hours with her before I leave to visit another friend -- but I really like that she offered.
I am going to hit the grocery store tomorrow (with the rest of the crazies) and try to stock up on some healthy options for Thanksgiving and the days I spending at my parents. And hopefully the sabotage from the family won't be too bad. Seeing them stuff their face one minute, then tell me I look really good in my dress is just messing with my head a bit. I am only six pounds from ONEderland, and I don't want anyone to stop me!
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