Thursday, February 21, 2013
One of my problems lately is thinking about cheat food. Cookies, ice cream, burgers... I can have a cheat day right? Oh I can go get Coldstone right? Nope. Stop it. I've been so bad about allowing a treat... which turns into another treat... and another treat.
After I weighed in at 188 last week, I gave myself a mental smack upside the head and audibly went "no duh" about the weight gain. Luckily it was mostly TOM weight gain and water retention from salt. I was back at 184 yesterday after getting all of that crap out of my system.
I'm trying to eat less carbs. Not low-carb yet, 'cause holy crap there are carbs everywhere! So far I've been doing good... I just need to avoid trigger foods while there are men at my house this weekend.
Today is a snow day, heck its a THUNDER SNOW day! So far I've gotten 2" in less than 2 hours and its supposed to snow for another six hours... so... that's gonna suck! My car's outside too since most of my big furniture is in the garage. I just hope this doesn't ruin the carpet install for Saturday. As I said above the "men" coming are my dad and my boyfriend. They still need to rip out the bad carpet and move all the furniture. I haven't been able to help as much as I want to.
For obvious reasons I'm not ripping out carpet, but even being on all fours is practically out of the question. Something about that angle pulls on my underarm skin in a way that just does not feel good. So with everyone in my family yelling at me to not doing anything so I don't hurt my arm, I feel a bit like a bum.
I also realized I own way too much stuff. I'm going to be downsizing from a 3-bedroom house into a bedroom in my parents house. Yikes! I own tooooooooo many pieces of furniture and stuff for this move. I almost can't imagine moving back in with my parents at 28, which I will be in May, but sometimes you just gotta do it to save money. Plus if TJ doesn't want to get an apartment with me ('cause his mommy doesn't approve), I don't want to have all of those bills on my own!
My dad is also retiring in May, but not taking social security until after his birthday in October -- so if I move in with them, I can help them out with the bills. Now this all hinges on me actually getting a job. I really should get off Spark and work on my two job applications. Right now I'm tailoring my CV (curriculum vitae) into a science resume targeted at both of the jobs. I really need to get on the job hunt more... Its starting to freak me out!
My plans for this snow day are to A) submit one job application, B) do a ton of laundry, C) clean the bathrooms, D clean the kitchen, and E) work on the bare bones of the two papers I want to have drafted for my committee meeting in 19 days!
I can do it!
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Why I’m doing it:
I just found a new Tumblr: whyimdoingit.tumblr.com
Basically tumblr is just a website for blogs that are mostly pictures. There’s a lot of Doctor Who fans on there, which is how I got sucked in. There’s also a lot of fitness Tumblrs. Some of them like the one above have fitness motivational pictures, so I like to go check out my Tumblr and Pinterest when I get bored or unmotivated.
Right now I want nothing more that to pick up handweights and do some dang crunches. Since my arm is refusing to heal fast enough, I’m on a complete exercise and diet hiatus. I don’t want to be in pain and stretch my skin (since its not closed) hence the not working out (other than walking, and I’ve been trying to walk more) – and I’m not dieting, because I want my body to put all of the extra energy and nutrition (read fats/protein/vitamins/minerals – not all complete junk) into healing this stupid armpit.
So I’m kinda gross… well okay, I’m a scientist, so gross stuff fascinates me. I’ve been taking photos of my wound at least once a day since this whole thing started. I’ve been planning a Reddit WTF post, but now it’s a really WTF post… (don’t ask, Reddit is a weird, weird website) Anyway, today I noticed an odd circle of new skin growth on the edge of my wound – I looked at yesterday’s photos and it was like two fingers reaching up from the edge – so its really nice to be able to SEE progress, literally as my skin starts closing. That being said, its like a mm in a day… I’ve got about 800 mm to go… so if that could speed up, that’d be great.
The plastic surgeon put me on high dose antibiotics two weeks ago. I’ve finished the course, but I feel like my healing is slowing down. I really don’t want to do another round of antibiotics, so hopefully I’m just imagining stuff.
I had to go on Tumblr today to get some inspiration. The scale was up the last time I stepped on it, but it was TOM + I had eaten a LOT of salt… like five days worth of salt, dang tortilla chips (I have a salt tooth) – and not drank enough water, so hopefully that was a fluke.
I’m making smarter choices in the last few days, but the whole “not dieting” thing is making me feel like I’m about to fall off a cliff. 190 is my official “oh-no-you-didn’t!” point to cut calories like a fiend. I’m close to that. I’ve been bouncing around the mid-180s for the entire year. Up 5, down 5, up 3, down 2, up 4, down 0… up 2…. Eek~! It’s a slippery slope. I’m trying to be around maintence, which is 2100-2400 calories/day based on my age/weight/activity level and my armband. This was at first AMAZING. What, I’m hungry, I can have a *gasp* bagel? And I had dairy. I had ice cream. I even slipped and had a few cheeseburgers. And I felt bad. Literally felt bad in my guts.
So I’ve cut dairy out again. And I’ve been looking into doing Paleo or Keto once I’m outta danger and can diet/exercise again. Keto kind of scares me. As a biochemist I just can’t justify tricking my body like that. If I did it, it would be “keto-lite” as in I would cheat with more carbs from fruits and veggies… which would basically make it Paleo. Gah… diets… For me I think cutting bread out and pasta, which I really don’t eat often, might be a good thing. The no dairy aspect of Paleo is a necessity for me, but dang it, I need a farmer’s market open before this will get cheap and easy.
I don’t know though… I may try keto for a bit just to get below 180. Heck just to get back to 180. I’m hoping this diet/exercise hiatus will kick my body back into weight loss mode. I somehow got my body to lose 90#... but this last 10# has been a battle. And if I want to lose the 20# I’m aiming to lose…. It might just be a battle!
Part of my problem now is that I’ve lost my muscles. Those perdy little rocks under my layer of fat that made me feel good are gone. I can feel my right arm muscles have almost atrophied. I’m trying not to use that arm much. Add in the fluid buildup in that arm and the nerve damage, and I just hope it gets better once the wound closes. When I’m doing experiments in the tissue culture hood, I can barely keep my arm up for more than 10 minutes pipetting before it starts to hurt my shoulder (and yes, I suck at left handed pipetting).
Dear Abs, I miss you…. that is all.
Its hard to explain to someone how badly you want to work out. Now I imagine the Sparkers on here who have gone through an injury know EXACTLY what I mean to feel grumpy about not getting to work out.
I get a little bitter when I watch the Biggest Loser and I can’t work out. I usually workout WHILE watching, I should say. I do consistent things the whole time I watch DVR TV, and no matter what, if I am watching BL, I used to ALWAYS work out. To add insult to my injury, the girls on the show have started to reach the point where they weigh less than me. Now I know this is all TV… I know those girls are probably WAY shorter than me… but it still gets annoying to want to be those girls with a certain number on the scale… and that is NOT how I need to be thinking.
So from now on I’m in planning mode. My arm is healing! This is a good thing!
I’m focusing on what I’m eating. I’m trying to be conscious of what is going into my body.
I’m going to phase out carbs slowly. No white flour or bread if I can help it… and I will cheat… I will slip, I will just choose to limit this.
More fruit! More veggies! (and if you buy them, actually eat them, instead of let them go bad, and then throw them away, and then buy them again!)
So that’s it. I’m going to go home and cook myself some chicken and veggie cheese (never tried it before—I’ll see if I like it) and broccoli for dinner.
I will get back to working out soon. I will strength train the crap out of my body. I will become strong again… and I WILL get to my goal weight in 2013.
[Oh yea, and write my dissertation, two research articles, sell my house, graduate with my PhD, get a job, and move…. In 87 days~!!!!!!!]
Friday, February 15, 2013
I feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster in the past few days.
Monday I had the job-ish interview for a post-doc. It went well, but as expected… yada yada yada I like you but I have no money.
Tuesday I drove back and caught up with my work.
Wednesday I saw my plastic surgeon again. Luckily my wound is getting smaller. It shrank 2cm last week, so instead of being 11cm wide, its only 9cm wide and I can actually see the skin starting to scar in from the outside. Bandage changes still suck. Pain meds are still needed – but its making progress.
Now Thursday… I feel like I should mention is TOM and that + Valentines day = crazy hormones. Plus this was officially the first Valentines Day of my life I have had a BF. A serious BF, one who I know loves me – so I was expecting SOMETHING from him.
I texted him at 7:30 when I got up… something cute and V-day ish. No response…. For an hour and a half, and he only texted me ‘cause he was stuck in traffic. And it wasn’t even V-day related! So needless to say, I was starting to get pissed off. So I assumed, give him time, he’ll do something sweet. Or you know, at least SAY Happy V-day.
So I’m mad at him. Officially mad at him. He didn’t get why I was mad, so I told him. Then I finally had to tell him, ‘hey jerk, want to say happy v-day or something.’ He did, through a picture message he copied of Reddit… I was still mad. My emotions were all over the place. I was basically thinking, I know this guy doesn’t plan anything, like ANYTHING, but I thought he would at least put SOME thought into this. As the day dragged on at work, and people kept texting me or asking me what TJ had done for me, and my response was “NOTHING.” Cue grumpy cat. Seriously. I had like six people ask me. Do you know how annoying it was to be constantly reminded your BF has done nothing for you on Valentine’s Day? Very…
And then I was also mad at myself for getting so into this holiday. Usually I just kind of ignore it. Dress cute, have fun makeup… this year I felt I was entitled to at least a card or something. It didn’t have to be anything expensive. Hell I would have been happy with a Happy V-Day text. (by the way – never got either of those) Where did the independent woman who had survived 27 previous V-days gone? Why was I so upset? I was mad at myself for being upset. I was mad at TJ for sucking at life. It was annoying.
So I went to Ulta to buy makeup to cheer myself up. After browsing for a bit… none of my coupons worked. I was going to buy fancy foundation – the coupon I had won’t work on ANY of the fancy make-up… ever. And I didn’t really need the other thing I grabbed to use my 20% of coupon, so I kind of left the store in a huff. And then proceeded to lose it in my car. I was so annoyed.
So I went home. Curled up around my Pomeranian and just tried to calm down. I literally made myself sick. Super bad headache, nausea, so no emotional eating yesterday…
I eventually watched the Walking Dead from last Sunday and that of all things cheered me up—which tells you what kind of mind state I was in. My one friend Mariah kept trying to drag me out. I got a little bit of a rally in me. Went to change my clothes. And hurt my arm. And felt annoyed at having to wear this massive bandage and ace bandage. And then felt upset again, and then laid on my bed for an hour.
I turned my phone off again. I was just annoyed at the world. Refused to leave. Sat around half-dressed in a robe because F-it. Then TJ called. He was super chipper and perky and reeeeeeeeeeally annoying. I didn’t want to talk to him. I almost didn’t. He blah-blahed about how work was really long and how he was just going home, and how he was busy all day… and I was like… uh huh. Yep. Sure. Nope. Single-word answering him. After that call I just curled up in a ball again.
Then the jacka$$ knocked on my door and gave me flowers. He drove 2 hours to bring me flowers. I was still really mad at him, and I just ended up crying all over him. And yelling at him. It was ridiculous.
I hope he learned his lesson. I don’t like surprises. If I’m having a sh!tty day – then cheer me up and tell me you have a surprise for me. Don’t play this “I’m ignoring you” game and then try to surprise me. I hated it. I hated yesterday. Even though I got to see him, it was too much emotionally for me with TOM and everyone else getting love and attention.
So yes, I saw TJ and I got flowers, but I was miserable yesterday. And it sucked. He got up super early today to drive back for work – and he won’t be spending the weekend now. So it was cute…. Ish…. Eventually… but I still don’t know how I feel about the whole situation…
I really hated yesterday. But I made myself so sick I didn’t emotionally eat… so there’s THAT… I guess…
Happy Cheap Candy Day everyone…
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Whew… becoming a grown-up sucks, and yes I’m almost 28, but I don’t consider myself a grown-up… until after I graduate from grad school.
I really don’t know what I want to do after I graduate. I went to ask for a post-doc, partly because that’s what’s expected… I really want to apply for jobs at companies too… but there’s less support for that decision. And its more grown-up-y… and scary… and out of my comfort zone.
So last Thursday I got an e-mail back from a researcher who I wanted to do a post-doc with. She wanted to do a phone interview, but since I was in StL this weekend for the Blues game, I asked to meet her in person. I like that better. So I set up an appointment for Monday *stress!*
So I printed out a gazillion papers to read. And tried not to freak out about not having anything to wear. I figured, heck, no problem. I have tops I just need some new shoes and new pants. My mom was going to go with me… so I didn’t freak out too bad. That came later.
After my mom decided she didn’t want to go, I waited for my friend Krista to finish with work and we headed out. I got some new flat shoes… and then no pants. Went to store 2 and 3 and 4 and 5… no pants! Ack! This was starting to piss me off. Now add pressure and the fact that I needed nice pants… coupled with not being able to find said pants… that fit or looked good… and I tried not to be a crab a$$.
Clothes shopping lately hasn’t been too horrible for me. I found stuff I look good in and I rock it… but job interview appropriate pants… yea… none to be found! I look great in pencil skirts and dresses, so that’s been most of my dressy clothes lately. Pants = jeans. The End.
Friday clothes shopping was a bust, so luckily TJ was more than willing to tag along with me on Saturday. We skipped Mardi Gras so that I could prep for my job interview, and find pants. After breakfast I headed over to a different mall. Stores 1, 2, 3, and 4 were a bust. I kinda started to flip out a little. You can only try on so many horrible looking pairs of pants before you start hating your body.
*Note, I do not hate my body. I should rephrase that to say, “hate the way your body looks in certain clothes.” My nemesis = dress pants! I refuse to say horrible things about my body, its unhealthy, but my thighs just do not look good in flimsy pants. I need thicker fabric to hide the cellulite. Hell I should just invest in Spanx tights to wear under pants if I’m going to have to wear some at work. But back to shopping. After passing by everything… I finally walked into The Limited. Now I’ve never shopped in The Limited before. There isn’t one down here where I live, and in StL I just have better options usually that I go to… But I was stuck, on a deadline and needed pants. Being a new shopper, I didn’t know what size pants I wear there. I’m a size 8 at the GAP. Other stores I fit in size 10 skirts… and yet other stores I wear size 12 pants. I get it. Women can’t rationally design clothes. As TJ put it, “women’s stores size their clothes to get the clientele they want.” So being me, I grab size 10 and 12 pants to try on. I get in the dressing room… not a 10… fine I’m a 12. Try on the 12s… not a 12 either. Now it’s the end of the time I had set aside for shopping, so I put on my big girl panties and went back out for the quick tour of ‘what the heck do they have in a size 14’ round… Not much. Apparently they only go up to a size 14, so my butt was literally almost too big for this store. I luckily found ONE pair that wasn’t horrible, and by that point I just threw my credit card at the lady and wanted to get out of the mall.
There is nothing worse than clothes shopping to bring up all of your old insecurities and body issues. I try not to get hung up on the size of clothes, but its been a long time since I felt like I was too fat to shop at a store. And I’m not too fat to shop there, that’s a horrible thing to say – but clothing stores like that make me nuts. They have everything sized so much smaller than other stores. There’s still a part of my brain that cringes when I realize my hips are wide or my butt looks big… but then I remember that my a$$ can rock a pencil skirt, and my boyfriend is FAR from complaining about my assets.
So this weekend I learned I am a size 8 AND a size 14. Heck somewhere else I’d probably run a 16…. SO what… I found clothes that fit and looked nice = mission accomplished.
Saturday night I went to the Blues game with TJ and couple friends of mine. We were in the club seats so we had free food and drinks. So we all went starving. I ate too much grease. I used it as stress relief after shopping. TJ and Keith each put away 8-12 beers… they lost count. Erin put away 3 glasses of wine and two beers and got wasted. She ended up screaming in my ear about being my maid of honor at the wedding and TJ having to ask her for permission to marry me… *yea, that went over well. After I drove everyone home, my belly was complaining about all of the nasty food I put into it. I had bloat belly… not a good feeling.
Sunday TJ played Minecraft all day while I read papers ALL DAY. I kid you not. This girl was preparing.
Monday I spent the day prepping even more… planning my strategy to talk to her… then I met with the doctor I wanted to work for. Now she is awesome. I’d love to do the research… I just have to find my own money. This is a common problem right now. No one has any money to hire you. In science, if you can write a grant and get yourself funded = mission accomplished. Usually though, you need someone to carry you until you can get a grant. She just doesn’t have it right now. But I think I made a good impression, so hopefully I can convince her to take me.
What might interest you all, is the fact that she studies how maternal obesity can lead to cancer in the offspring. Specifically having a high-fat diet/obese mother, might change gene expression in the fetus as its developing, which could lead to health problems in the children. Children born to obese mothers tend to gain weight faster than children born to normal weight mothers – even if they are on the same diet.
Health facts like this are one of the reasons I lost my weight in the first place. I knew that if I wanted to start a family in the future, I would want to be in great shape. *No need to despair though. Simply exercising and eating healthy, even if you have a higher BMI makes things better for your future kids.
I’d like to explore this further in a post-doc. Obesity and its health effects are only going to get worse as my generation starts reproducing. The obesity epidemic is fully raging, and if we can understand the science behind WHY some kids gain more weight than others, potentially we can create more effective treatment programs to combat it.
Okay I’m taking my science hat off now… Its crunch time! I have a lot of things to accomplish and not a lot of time to do it in… no pressure though, right? ;-)
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