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Mentally smacking myself

Thursday, February 21, 2013

One of my problems lately is thinking about cheat food. Cookies, ice cream, burgers... I can have a cheat day right? Oh I can go get Coldstone right? Nope. Stop it. I've been so bad about allowing a treat... which turns into another treat... and another treat.

After I weighed in at 188 last week, I gave myself a mental smack upside the head and audibly went "no duh" about the weight gain. Luckily it was mostly TOM weight gain and water retention from salt. I was back at 184 yesterday after getting all of that crap out of my system.

I'm trying to eat less carbs. Not low-carb yet, 'cause holy crap there are carbs everywhere! So far I've been doing good... I just need to avoid trigger foods while there are men at my house this weekend.

Today is a snow day, heck its a THUNDER SNOW day! So far I've gotten 2" in less than 2 hours and its supposed to snow for another six hours... so... that's gonna suck! My car's outside too since most of my big furniture is in the garage. I just hope this doesn't ruin the carpet install for Saturday. As I said above the "men" coming are my dad and my boyfriend. They still need to rip out the bad carpet and move all the furniture. I haven't been able to help as much as I want to.

For obvious reasons I'm not ripping out carpet, but even being on all fours is practically out of the question. Something about that angle pulls on my underarm skin in a way that just does not feel good. So with everyone in my family yelling at me to not doing anything so I don't hurt my arm, I feel a bit like a bum.

I also realized I own way too much stuff. I'm going to be downsizing from a 3-bedroom house into a bedroom in my parents house. Yikes! I own tooooooooo many pieces of furniture and stuff for this move. I almost can't imagine moving back in with my parents at 28, which I will be in May, but sometimes you just gotta do it to save money. Plus if TJ doesn't want to get an apartment with me ('cause his mommy doesn't approve), I don't want to have all of those bills on my own!

My dad is also retiring in May, but not taking social security until after his birthday in October -- so if I move in with them, I can help them out with the bills. Now this all hinges on me actually getting a job. I really should get off Spark and work on my two job applications. Right now I'm tailoring my CV (curriculum vitae) into a science resume targeted at both of the jobs. I really need to get on the job hunt more... Its starting to freak me out!

My plans for this snow day are to A) submit one job application, B) do a ton of laundry, C) clean the bathrooms, D clean the kitchen, and E) work on the bare bones of the two papers I want to have drafted for my committee meeting in 19 days!

I can do it!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOLABLACK69 2/22/2013 1:48AM

    Good luck with moving back. I almost lost my mind, and am still loosing it day by day a little. emoticon Not that I want to freak you out! But something just goes off after living on your own during college. And I had to move back also because I had to find a job to pay off my student loan. So, I'm most likely stuck here for next 5 years, and it freaks me out when I think of it! emoticon
Hope it goes well for you!
And good luck with your daily plans! emoticon

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MISTY_MOUNTAINS 2/21/2013 6:06PM

    Downsizing is SO hard. When I moved from my apartment back in with my parents (also to save money years ago) I had to rent a storage space!!

Good luck with your job search and beating the treats!!

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EMMYLOU010409 2/21/2013 3:42PM

    I'm in the same treat boat with you! My "trick" is this--

I love peanut butter and I eat way too much of it. Also, for some unknown reason, I bought two cartons of ice cream this week. For two days I stuck my spoon in the cartons for just a little bite... and then another... and then another... and yep, just kept going. (I do the same with PB.)

To break myself of this, I measure my PB out and have it on a rice cake, bread, English muffin, etc. When I feel the urge for it later, I remind myself that I've already had it. With ice cream, I get my cartons out, and have a half-spoon bite of each, then immediately put the cartons back, under 6 bags of vegetables, in the back of my freezer, so they aren't easy access, smack dab right there in the middle, front and center every time I open the freezer door.

It's not fool-proof, but it helps. Anything to cut down on the mindless snacking!

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LOLATURTLE 2/21/2013 3:31PM

    I feel you. I thought it would be a hot idea to bake cookies on my day off Monday. Haha, nooope. Bleh.

At least I am doing okay eating them in moderation. They've all gotten trackd and I've eaten a reasonable 1-2 instead of an insane (and wanted) 5-6... hah. I gotta be proud of what little accomplishments I have...

Good luck with the job applications! And keep being a bum. Your family is right, you've been through enough with the arm without hurting it again. emoticon

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CHODGES83 2/21/2013 12:27PM

    I live about 2 1/2 hrs southeast of StL and I'm reading about this snow you're having thinking about how it's supposed to be heading my way. UGH! I hope it doesn't mess with your carpet plans, but at least it's a good opportunity to hole up in the house and get a ton of stuff done!

"Mommy doesn't approve" PRICELESS!

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ADARKARA 2/21/2013 11:52AM

    His mommy doesn't approve? Parents can be really stupid sometimes. Telling your adult child that they can't live with another adult is dumb. It just drives your kids away from you. /rant over

Nothing wrong with downsizing, I have too much stuff, too!

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CAGMUAHFO2 2/21/2013 11:46AM

    I have a hard time to with eating "treats" I have to just block it out and tell myself no. I will end up eating more than I should, so I try not to start at all. Glad the extra weight was just water weight.

Wow, that is a lot of snow!! I hope you are still able to get your new carpet laid down. How are your arms doing? Have you gotten the second opinion yet?

I moved back home a few years ago. I was 28 also. It has helped me get money saved up and replace my car that needed replacing. I am hoping to be able to move back in the next year or so.

Good luck on your job search!!

Hope you have a great day!!

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Why I’m doing it:

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Why I’m doing it:

I just found a new Tumblr: whyimdoingit.tumblr.com

Basically tumblr is just a website for blogs that are mostly pictures. There’s a lot of Doctor Who fans on there, which is how I got sucked in. There’s also a lot of fitness Tumblrs. Some of them like the one above have fitness motivational pictures, so I like to go check out my Tumblr and Pinterest when I get bored or unmotivated.

Right now I want nothing more that to pick up handweights and do some dang crunches. Since my arm is refusing to heal fast enough, I’m on a complete exercise and diet hiatus. I don’t want to be in pain and stretch my skin (since its not closed) hence the not working out (other than walking, and I’ve been trying to walk more) – and I’m not dieting, because I want my body to put all of the extra energy and nutrition (read fats/protein/vitamins/minerals – not all complete junk) into healing this stupid armpit.

So I’m kinda gross… well okay, I’m a scientist, so gross stuff fascinates me. I’ve been taking photos of my wound at least once a day since this whole thing started. I’ve been planning a Reddit WTF post, but now it’s a really WTF post… (don’t ask, Reddit is a weird, weird website) Anyway, today I noticed an odd circle of new skin growth on the edge of my wound – I looked at yesterday’s photos and it was like two fingers reaching up from the edge – so its really nice to be able to SEE progress, literally as my skin starts closing. That being said, its like a mm in a day… I’ve got about 800 mm to go… so if that could speed up, that’d be great.

The plastic surgeon put me on high dose antibiotics two weeks ago. I’ve finished the course, but I feel like my healing is slowing down. I really don’t want to do another round of antibiotics, so hopefully I’m just imagining stuff.

I had to go on Tumblr today to get some inspiration. The scale was up the last time I stepped on it, but it was TOM + I had eaten a LOT of salt… like five days worth of salt, dang tortilla chips (I have a salt tooth) – and not drank enough water, so hopefully that was a fluke.

I’m making smarter choices in the last few days, but the whole “not dieting” thing is making me feel like I’m about to fall off a cliff. 190 is my official “oh-no-you-didn’t!” point to cut calories like a fiend. I’m close to that. I’ve been bouncing around the mid-180s for the entire year. Up 5, down 5, up 3, down 2, up 4, down 0… up 2…. Eek~! It’s a slippery slope. I’m trying to be around maintence, which is 2100-2400 calories/day based on my age/weight/activity level and my armband. This was at first AMAZING. What, I’m hungry, I can have a *gasp* bagel? And I had dairy. I had ice cream. I even slipped and had a few cheeseburgers. And I felt bad. Literally felt bad in my guts.

So I’ve cut dairy out again. And I’ve been looking into doing Paleo or Keto once I’m outta danger and can diet/exercise again. Keto kind of scares me. As a biochemist I just can’t justify tricking my body like that. If I did it, it would be “keto-lite” as in I would cheat with more carbs from fruits and veggies… which would basically make it Paleo. Gah… diets… For me I think cutting bread out and pasta, which I really don’t eat often, might be a good thing. The no dairy aspect of Paleo is a necessity for me, but dang it, I need a farmer’s market open before this will get cheap and easy.

I don’t know though… I may try keto for a bit just to get below 180. Heck just to get back to 180. I’m hoping this diet/exercise hiatus will kick my body back into weight loss mode. I somehow got my body to lose 90#... but this last 10# has been a battle. And if I want to lose the 20# I’m aiming to lose…. It might just be a battle!

Part of my problem now is that I’ve lost my muscles. Those perdy little rocks under my layer of fat that made me feel good are gone. I can feel my right arm muscles have almost atrophied. I’m trying not to use that arm much. Add in the fluid buildup in that arm and the nerve damage, and I just hope it gets better once the wound closes. When I’m doing experiments in the tissue culture hood, I can barely keep my arm up for more than 10 minutes pipetting before it starts to hurt my shoulder (and yes, I suck at left handed pipetting).

Dear Abs, I miss you…. that is all.

Its hard to explain to someone how badly you want to work out. Now I imagine the Sparkers on here who have gone through an injury know EXACTLY what I mean to feel grumpy about not getting to work out.

I get a little bitter when I watch the Biggest Loser and I can’t work out. I usually workout WHILE watching, I should say. I do consistent things the whole time I watch DVR TV, and no matter what, if I am watching BL, I used to ALWAYS work out. To add insult to my injury, the girls on the show have started to reach the point where they weigh less than me. Now I know this is all TV… I know those girls are probably WAY shorter than me… but it still gets annoying to want to be those girls with a certain number on the scale… and that is NOT how I need to be thinking.

So from now on I’m in planning mode. My arm is healing! This is a good thing!

I’m focusing on what I’m eating. I’m trying to be conscious of what is going into my body.

I’m going to phase out carbs slowly. No white flour or bread if I can help it… and I will cheat… I will slip, I will just choose to limit this.

More fruit! More veggies! (and if you buy them, actually eat them, instead of let them go bad, and then throw them away, and then buy them again!)

So that’s it. I’m going to go home and cook myself some chicken and veggie cheese (never tried it before—I’ll see if I like it) and broccoli for dinner.

I will get back to working out soon. I will strength train the crap out of my body. I will become strong again… and I WILL get to my goal weight in 2013.

[Oh yea, and write my dissertation, two research articles, sell my house, graduate with my PhD, get a job, and move…. In 87 days~!!!!!!!]

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SKINNYYENNY 2/20/2013 8:52PM

    I have a salt-tooth also, and tortilla chips are a total trigger food for me! I so feel you on that one. Amazng what a little extra salt can do on the scale - so frustrating to see it, but then a couple of days later you get to see it drop again :)

On the dairy and paleo - I have seen people say dairy is okay and others say it isn't. I guess I can see both sides - at least drinking milk seems okay, but not dairy foods?....

Glad you are seeing some progress with the healing - maybe when it's all done you can do a you tube ontage of the pictures day by day to show the process :)

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APOLLONIA1 2/20/2013 6:03PM

    I understand how you're feeling you have a lot more on you're plate then the average person , but you've come this far and are so close I know you know and everyone who has been on you're page know you can get down to the 180's and even pass . So glad you're arm is doing better . I hate antibiotics I have asthma and usually when it flares its a steroid shot and a around of antibiotics . One day at a time sister

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BLVINBUTTERFLYS 2/20/2013 2:05PM

    emoticon emoticon

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ATTACKFATCAT 2/20/2013 11:29AM

    Could you try something that doesn't jar your arm around, like a recumbent bike or one of those pedal exerciser you could get off of Amazon?

http://www.amazon.co
m/Drive-Medical-Exerciser-Attra
ctive-Silver/dp/B002VWK09Q/ref=
sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1361377272&s
r=8-1&keywords=pedal+exerciser

You could up your heart rate and cardio without putting stress on your arm. There are some studies/articles out there that suggest it may even help with wound healing:

http://www.liftbige
atbig.com/2011/11/exercise-can-
speed-up-healing-of-wounds.html


As for the ST, maybe you could get a resistance band and do some of the seated chair workouts on SP. I did one a few weeks ago and it didn't put a lot of stress on other parts of my body when I worked out my abs and legs. You could probably also work on one arm as well.

None of these suggestions may be an option if you are really in pain. But it sounds like you are going through a lot of stress right now and feeling a bit down. I know that doing SOMETHING, even if it's not the exercise I had planned, makes me feel a lot better and it's doing a lot for my stress level too.

Nutrition is a big part of that too. I think even if you are not "dieting", by adopting a healthy way to eat, you'll probably feel a lot better as a result.

I'm glad to hear your arm is finally starting to heal. The picture idea is a great way to look at progress and document the healing process.

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NIMIRRA137 2/20/2013 8:15AM

    I love tumblr! I have a tumblr blog. It's a mix of fitness inspiration pictures and then dorky Firefly, Joss Whedon, 90s tv shows. Shiny134 is my tumblr.

That's great your arm is FINALLY starting to heal!

You said "More fruit! More veggies! (and if you buy them, actually eat them, instead of let them go bad, and then throw them away, and then buy them again!)" I do this all the time! I need to stick to it too.

I know you cannot do arm workouts and ab workouts may be difficult too but in addition to your walking can you add squats and lunges? That may make you feel less bitter about not working out. I haven't been able to do cardio in months but I am trying to still do a little exercise like those.

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LOLABLACK69 2/20/2013 2:45AM

    I checked out tumblr link... I seriously almost started crying when I got #53 "To hear the words 'Did you loose weight?'" - it happened to me today at work. I heard those words and I didn't know what to say to that because I still don't know how to deal when somebody asks me something about my weight.
Anyway, sounds like you're healing up ok finally, and I bet you'll be able to start with light workout soon. And you'll be able to do all of those things that you listed. I'm sure you will! emoticon Just one step at a time. Don't let it overwhelm you.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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-MOJOJOJO- 2/20/2013 1:12AM

    Haha I'm one of those weirdos who like WTF reddit and pop it reddit lmao! I got issues I know! :P I hate when I buy veggies, they go and, then I go buy the SAME veggies haha glad to know im not the only one -_- haha funny ecard! I feel the same way!

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LYNNIERN 2/19/2013 10:26PM

    In no particular order, 32, 52, 80, 89, 49, 37,35, 29,22 but mostly 8. You have the best links. Thanks for sharing. emoticon

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MISTY_MOUNTAINS 2/19/2013 7:52PM

    Great blog!! I love the picture too!!

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NEEDBU66 2/19/2013 6:07PM

    "I will cheat. I will slip. I will choose to limit this."

Excellant. It's something I need to do too

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http://www.modelmydiet.com

Friday, February 15, 2013

I just saw this on another Sparker's blog and thought I'd share it with you all: www.modelmydiet.com

Aaaand then I threw in my pics of me "now" and me at my goal weight of 170:



And me at my "well if I'm crazy" goal weight of 150:


And then to make myself feel better (cause I don't see much change in those except a smaller butt) -- I modeled what I look like now against my high weight.


It really does put things in perspective... I have come a long way. The little bit that's left is more for myself to feel good. If I don't ever get to 150... I will be happy with myself. I don't look bad now. The old me would slap me across the face for saying negative things about how I look now. I have a body the old me would have killed for and dreamed about.

I am happy. I love myself. I am loved. Losing the last bit of weight is for myself -- but after looking at the pics above -- I will DEFINITELY be doing A LOT of squats! I need a better butt than that ;-0 !

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOLATURTLE 2/21/2013 3:54PM

    I'm so glad you feel happy & satisfied with your progress so far! I think you look awesome.

The virtual model isn't working for me right now but I'm going to try again after a long needed browser update. Those never look the same as me though, because there's no setting for "absurdly gigantic rack". emoticon

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UEBUNG3 2/19/2013 12:29PM

    I love it! It is easy sometimes to forget how far we´ve come!

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LOLABLACK69 2/19/2013 3:41AM

    Woooow!! Thanks for posting that link. I'm gonna put my pictures on the page also! emoticon Also, congratulations for your achievement! You have really done a lot! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LYNNIERN 2/17/2013 7:54PM

    Great job!! emoticon

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FIREFLY4407 2/15/2013 7:55PM

    Thanks for sharing - I just tried it out too. I started at 208 and am now at 170, looking to get to 155 (5'9 1/2"). The before looks right. I can't see a difference between my 170 and 155, although my 170 model looks smaller than I really am. If the 155 turns out to be accurate I will be happy with that. Will keep pressing on so I can see the results!!
emoticon

Comment edited on: 2/15/2013 7:56:16 PM

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MISTY_MOUNTAINS 2/15/2013 7:05PM

    Thanks for sharing.... I'm about to use that link myself!!

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CHODGES83 2/15/2013 1:35PM

    Well I just wasted some time playing on that site. Interesting.

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VIXSTERLU 2/15/2013 12:57PM

    Interesting! Thanks for sharing.

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TIME2BLOOM4ME 2/15/2013 12:53PM

    emoticon

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APOLLONIA1 2/15/2013 12:50PM

    That's a good way of putting things in perspective to see it visually and just by numbers

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Well yesterday SUCKED

Friday, February 15, 2013

I feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster in the past few days.

Monday I had the job-ish interview for a post-doc. It went well, but as expected… yada yada yada I like you but I have no money.

Tuesday I drove back and caught up with my work.

Wednesday I saw my plastic surgeon again. Luckily my wound is getting smaller. It shrank 2cm last week, so instead of being 11cm wide, its only 9cm wide and I can actually see the skin starting to scar in from the outside. Bandage changes still suck. Pain meds are still needed – but its making progress.

Now Thursday… I feel like I should mention is TOM and that + Valentines day = crazy hormones. Plus this was officially the first Valentines Day of my life I have had a BF. A serious BF, one who I know loves me – so I was expecting SOMETHING from him.

I texted him at 7:30 when I got up… something cute and V-day ish. No response…. For an hour and a half, and he only texted me ‘cause he was stuck in traffic. And it wasn’t even V-day related! So needless to say, I was starting to get pissed off. So I assumed, give him time, he’ll do something sweet. Or you know, at least SAY Happy V-day.

Nope.

So I’m mad at him. Officially mad at him. He didn’t get why I was mad, so I told him. Then I finally had to tell him, ‘hey jerk, want to say happy v-day or something.’ He did, through a picture message he copied of Reddit… I was still mad. My emotions were all over the place. I was basically thinking, I know this guy doesn’t plan anything, like ANYTHING, but I thought he would at least put SOME thought into this. As the day dragged on at work, and people kept texting me or asking me what TJ had done for me, and my response was “NOTHING.” Cue grumpy cat. Seriously. I had like six people ask me. Do you know how annoying it was to be constantly reminded your BF has done nothing for you on Valentine’s Day? Very…

And then I was also mad at myself for getting so into this holiday. Usually I just kind of ignore it. Dress cute, have fun makeup… this year I felt I was entitled to at least a card or something. It didn’t have to be anything expensive. Hell I would have been happy with a Happy V-Day text. (by the way – never got either of those) Where did the independent woman who had survived 27 previous V-days gone? Why was I so upset? I was mad at myself for being upset. I was mad at TJ for sucking at life. It was annoying.

So I went to Ulta to buy makeup to cheer myself up. After browsing for a bit… none of my coupons worked. I was going to buy fancy foundation – the coupon I had won’t work on ANY of the fancy make-up… ever. And I didn’t really need the other thing I grabbed to use my 20% of coupon, so I kind of left the store in a huff. And then proceeded to lose it in my car. I was so annoyed.

So I went home. Curled up around my Pomeranian and just tried to calm down. I literally made myself sick. Super bad headache, nausea, so no emotional eating yesterday…

I eventually watched the Walking Dead from last Sunday and that of all things cheered me up—which tells you what kind of mind state I was in. My one friend Mariah kept trying to drag me out. I got a little bit of a rally in me. Went to change my clothes. And hurt my arm. And felt annoyed at having to wear this massive bandage and ace bandage. And then felt upset again, and then laid on my bed for an hour.

I turned my phone off again. I was just annoyed at the world. Refused to leave. Sat around half-dressed in a robe because F-it. Then TJ called. He was super chipper and perky and reeeeeeeeeeally annoying. I didn’t want to talk to him. I almost didn’t. He blah-blahed about how work was really long and how he was just going home, and how he was busy all day… and I was like… uh huh. Yep. Sure. Nope. Single-word answering him. After that call I just curled up in a ball again.

Then the jacka$$ knocked on my door and gave me flowers. He drove 2 hours to bring me flowers. I was still really mad at him, and I just ended up crying all over him. And yelling at him. It was ridiculous.

I hope he learned his lesson. I don’t like surprises. If I’m having a sh!tty day – then cheer me up and tell me you have a surprise for me. Don’t play this “I’m ignoring you” game and then try to surprise me. I hated it. I hated yesterday. Even though I got to see him, it was too much emotionally for me with TOM and everyone else getting love and attention.

So yes, I saw TJ and I got flowers, but I was miserable yesterday. And it sucked. He got up super early today to drive back for work – and he won’t be spending the weekend now. So it was cute…. Ish…. Eventually… but I still don’t know how I feel about the whole situation…

I really hated yesterday. But I made myself so sick I didn’t emotionally eat… so there’s THAT… I guess…

Happy Cheap Candy Day everyone…

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOLABLACK69 2/18/2013 3:28AM

    Oh yeah... know the feeling... I also can get all fired up and sometimes I'm not sure why I even do that. And in the end it turns out that it really was for nothing, and I'm left ashamed because I doubted something, or got mad at something my boyfriend does. Hate those hormones... But I'm still fighting the urge to binge in those situations! Thank God they don't happen often, and are not so bad, so I manage to get through them with no extra damage.
Hate myself for sounding so weak now. emoticon emoticon Hope you're getting better at this than I am... emoticon

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MISTY_MOUNTAINS 2/15/2013 7:10PM

    emoticon That is a very bad combo of things!! I think you were bound to crack, I sure would have!!

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MARIANNE9855 2/15/2013 3:29PM

    Men just don't get it- I have always been the one to make the effort- the only person who ever sent me flowers unexpected was an older man with a lot of health problems and I think he wanted a young woman to take care of him.
When I first started working I always made sure to send my mother flowers and special gifts that I knew she always wanted to make up for my dad never doing it.
I guess I never held out for the right one but I guess at 57 its not too likely. If you are young- set the standard for yourself early so you get what you deserve and want.

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RR1_RR1 2/15/2013 3:00PM

    If it makes you feel better- my bf only got me one flower and it because I told him in advance I was getting him something for vday....and on xmas he got me a baking set...umm for me or for me to bake -HIM stuff...lol. Guys can be so dense sometimes.

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CMCP23 2/15/2013 2:36PM

   
Whoooosa, you survived to fight hormones another day! Yay, lol.
I know the feeling, spirals of frustration suckered. But hey silver lining, no emotional eating and at least he tried to right his wrong.


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SHRINKING_SARA 2/15/2013 1:25PM

    He's just learning my nuances... He actually had planned with a friend to get me out to a bar -- and then he was going to surprise me there with flowers, while I was all dressed up and take me to dinner. I ruined THAT plan really well. He tried... didn't work... I'm feeling better today. Hormones + V-day = bad combo!

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NIMIRRA137 2/15/2013 1:10PM

    Sorry everything seemed to go wrong yesterday!

Men can be so dumb! Ignoring a woman on an important day even if you have a surprise later on is not the way to go! I had friends (male and female) do that to me once on my birthday. Ignored me, made plans for lunch, and stood me up only to have a surprise birthday party the day after my birthday. Not cool.

At least he did give you flowers at the end of the day. Hopefully he learned his lesson and next time he at least acknowledges the special day before surprising you.

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APOLLONIA1 2/15/2013 1:01PM

    I feel you girl I've been married for 5yrs and yesterday was the first time I got token out to dinner for g'day previous yrs fast food didn't want me to cook on vday but here's mcdonalds emoticon guys are numb nuts they need training lol

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STLADEE 2/15/2013 12:55PM

    As others have said men can be so clueless and I do believe you have to be very specific about what you want and expect. I do hope you feel better and please look to the brighter side you did get to see him, albeit once in a bad mood its hard for to get out of it too. Have a better weekend!

Sending Positive thoughts about a job to come your way!

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TIME2BLOOM4ME 2/15/2013 12:52PM

    emoticon

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SPASTASTIC 2/15/2013 12:05PM

    I'm sorry your feelings were hurt that he pretended not to remember. But I also think it was very sweet and special of him to drive two hours to see you and give you flowers in person instead of having some stranger deliver them to your work, etc. Valentine's day is about love after all and not the showing off presents to other people. Hopefully next year he'll make the whole day special since you don't like surprises. I don't think that what he did makes him a jerk though like the other poster said and I hope you cut him some slack.

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WHOVIANGIRL23 2/15/2013 11:45AM

    Men are completely clueless. I've had a man on valentines day before but they still made it suck. Look at the bright side, you didn't eat a ton of candy like I did... emoticon

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JUJUFISH 2/15/2013 11:40AM

    My boyfriend did something similar the first year we were together. Same 'I wanted to surprised you but I won't be up on the weekend' thing. He learned and now if he wants to surprise me it's via proflowers.com. I agree with ADARKARA, sometimes they just don't get it.

Hooray on your healing progress! That's 18% more healed in a week. Hope you have a good weekend.


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SARAHJ19 2/15/2013 11:34AM

    hopefully he learned his lesson!!!! emoticon My hubby forgot Valentine's day...one time...and only one time. He definitely learned his lesson!
Sorry your day was crappy, hopefully today is better for you! emoticon emoticon

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ADARKARA 2/15/2013 11:27AM

    I'm really sorry sweetie. In my experience, men are totally oblivious. My husband included. I think the best thing to do is be really explicit about how your feelings were hurt, no subtlety. Sometimes they really don't understand that our feelings were hurt. emoticon

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KRICKET4 2/15/2013 11:14AM

    Yup, some days just plain suck. Sorry it had to be your Valentine's day.
(Please don't black-list me but... you might be dating a jerk...)

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I am a size 8 AND a size... 14

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Whew… becoming a grown-up sucks, and yes I’m almost 28, but I don’t consider myself a grown-up… until after I graduate from grad school.

I really don’t know what I want to do after I graduate. I went to ask for a post-doc, partly because that’s what’s expected… I really want to apply for jobs at companies too… but there’s less support for that decision. And its more grown-up-y… and scary… and out of my comfort zone.

So last Thursday I got an e-mail back from a researcher who I wanted to do a post-doc with. She wanted to do a phone interview, but since I was in StL this weekend for the Blues game, I asked to meet her in person. I like that better. So I set up an appointment for Monday *stress!*

So I printed out a gazillion papers to read. And tried not to freak out about not having anything to wear. I figured, heck, no problem. I have tops I just need some new shoes and new pants. My mom was going to go with me… so I didn’t freak out too bad. That came later.

After my mom decided she didn’t want to go, I waited for my friend Krista to finish with work and we headed out. I got some new flat shoes… and then no pants. Went to store 2 and 3 and 4 and 5… no pants! Ack! This was starting to piss me off. Now add pressure and the fact that I needed nice pants… coupled with not being able to find said pants… that fit or looked good… and I tried not to be a crab a$$.

Clothes shopping lately hasn’t been too horrible for me. I found stuff I look good in and I rock it… but job interview appropriate pants… yea… none to be found! I look great in pencil skirts and dresses, so that’s been most of my dressy clothes lately. Pants = jeans. The End.

Friday clothes shopping was a bust, so luckily TJ was more than willing to tag along with me on Saturday. We skipped Mardi Gras so that I could prep for my job interview, and find pants. After breakfast I headed over to a different mall. Stores 1, 2, 3, and 4 were a bust. I kinda started to flip out a little. You can only try on so many horrible looking pairs of pants before you start hating your body.

*Note, I do not hate my body. I should rephrase that to say, “hate the way your body looks in certain clothes.” My nemesis = dress pants! I refuse to say horrible things about my body, its unhealthy, but my thighs just do not look good in flimsy pants. I need thicker fabric to hide the cellulite. Hell I should just invest in Spanx tights to wear under pants if I’m going to have to wear some at work. But back to shopping. After passing by everything… I finally walked into The Limited. Now I’ve never shopped in The Limited before. There isn’t one down here where I live, and in StL I just have better options usually that I go to… But I was stuck, on a deadline and needed pants. Being a new shopper, I didn’t know what size pants I wear there. I’m a size 8 at the GAP. Other stores I fit in size 10 skirts… and yet other stores I wear size 12 pants. I get it. Women can’t rationally design clothes. As TJ put it, “women’s stores size their clothes to get the clientele they want.” So being me, I grab size 10 and 12 pants to try on. I get in the dressing room… not a 10… fine I’m a 12. Try on the 12s… not a 12 either. Now it’s the end of the time I had set aside for shopping, so I put on my big girl panties and went back out for the quick tour of ‘what the heck do they have in a size 14’ round… Not much. Apparently they only go up to a size 14, so my butt was literally almost too big for this store. I luckily found ONE pair that wasn’t horrible, and by that point I just threw my credit card at the lady and wanted to get out of the mall.

There is nothing worse than clothes shopping to bring up all of your old insecurities and body issues. I try not to get hung up on the size of clothes, but its been a long time since I felt like I was too fat to shop at a store. And I’m not too fat to shop there, that’s a horrible thing to say – but clothing stores like that make me nuts. They have everything sized so much smaller than other stores. There’s still a part of my brain that cringes when I realize my hips are wide or my butt looks big… but then I remember that my a$$ can rock a pencil skirt, and my boyfriend is FAR from complaining about my assets.

So this weekend I learned I am a size 8 AND a size 14. Heck somewhere else I’d probably run a 16…. SO what… I found clothes that fit and looked nice = mission accomplished.

Saturday night I went to the Blues game with TJ and couple friends of mine. We were in the club seats so we had free food and drinks. So we all went starving. I ate too much grease. I used it as stress relief after shopping. TJ and Keith each put away 8-12 beers… they lost count. Erin put away 3 glasses of wine and two beers and got wasted. She ended up screaming in my ear about being my maid of honor at the wedding and TJ having to ask her for permission to marry me… *yea, that went over well. After I drove everyone home, my belly was complaining about all of the nasty food I put into it. I had bloat belly… not a good feeling.

Sunday TJ played Minecraft all day while I read papers ALL DAY. I kid you not. This girl was preparing.

Monday I spent the day prepping even more… planning my strategy to talk to her… then I met with the doctor I wanted to work for. Now she is awesome. I’d love to do the research… I just have to find my own money. This is a common problem right now. No one has any money to hire you. In science, if you can write a grant and get yourself funded = mission accomplished. Usually though, you need someone to carry you until you can get a grant. She just doesn’t have it right now. But I think I made a good impression, so hopefully I can convince her to take me.

What might interest you all, is the fact that she studies how maternal obesity can lead to cancer in the offspring. Specifically having a high-fat diet/obese mother, might change gene expression in the fetus as its developing, which could lead to health problems in the children. Children born to obese mothers tend to gain weight faster than children born to normal weight mothers – even if they are on the same diet.

Health facts like this are one of the reasons I lost my weight in the first place. I knew that if I wanted to start a family in the future, I would want to be in great shape. *No need to despair though. Simply exercising and eating healthy, even if you have a higher BMI makes things better for your future kids.

I’d like to explore this further in a post-doc. Obesity and its health effects are only going to get worse as my generation starts reproducing. The obesity epidemic is fully raging, and if we can understand the science behind WHY some kids gain more weight than others, potentially we can create more effective treatment programs to combat it.

Okay I’m taking my science hat off now… Its crunch time! I have a lot of things to accomplish and not a lot of time to do it in… no pressure though, right? ;-)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOLATURTLE 2/21/2013 3:45PM

    Ugh, sorry about your shopping nightmare. I feel your pain!! I think I will just repeatedly take in my non cellulite showing fabric pants from LB, LOL... Hopefully that will work for a while... I would shank someone for a bolt of that fabric. For reals.

It's interesting, I was reading a bunch of articles about sizing recently and TJ hit it right on the head. Stores do research about the people they typically consider their target market. Whoever is their average customer = a medium in that store. So if the average person who shops at The Limited is thinner than the average person who shops at The Gap, BAM. A "medium" is going to be smaller. It has nothing to do with psychology (trying to make you feel bad about your hips) and everything to do with manufacturing. It's easier to plan, and saves fabric and money, if you cut most of your clothes to fit the people who mostly shop at your store. Then they size up and down from there.

The reason sizes have changed since "Marilyn Monroe wore a size 16" is because those sizes were based on a physical tool - a scale that was printed on the paper. Size 16 actually MEANT something, like in inches and such. Now drafting is done by computer so the "scale" of old isn't used; the number size is essentially meaningless. 6-8 is "medium", so average customer = 6 or 8.

Does that help? You're not too fat to shop at The Limited, you just have more sexay bootay than the average woman who shops there. emoticon

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CALLMEPAVLOV 2/13/2013 9:15PM

    Pants shopping is the devil!

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MISTY_MOUNTAINS 2/13/2013 4:32PM

    Clothes shopping makes me homicidal.

The topic you were speaking of sounds REALLY interesting!! I hope everything works out and goes very well!!

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NIMIRRA137 2/13/2013 12:51PM

    Clothing manufacturers and their sizing is the worst!! I cannot stand shopping because of this. My size ranges all over the place just like yours does! I am comfortably a size 12 most days. I was able to borrow a friends dress that is a size 8 and it fit great. Yet I have a pair of size 12 faux leather pants that I probably won't be able to fit in until I am a regular size 8. They are tiny! It's ridiculous.

I have found that numbers for clothing and numbers on the scale lie. If we all just measured ourselves we just may be a lot happier.

Best bet is to just focus on how you look and feel in an item of clothing and not what size it is or what store it's from. Of course saying this is a lot easier than actually doing it.



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CHODGES83 2/13/2013 12:04PM

    Hope this works out for you!

PS clothing sizes are insane!

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LOLABLACK69 2/13/2013 1:45AM

    Hope you'll get to work with that doctor, and everything goes well! Good luck! emoticon emoticon

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STRONG_SARAH 2/13/2013 1:27AM

    Cool post! Your life is interesting, I enjoy reading about it.

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SKAHONEY4U 2/12/2013 10:56PM

    I bet my mentor knows that lady! We are doing more studies like that. I don't recommend moving to DC though. And Georgetown is a lame University. My lab just got an R01, but I don't think there is enough salary money even then. So lame!

Also preggers mice on a high fat diet increase the risk of their grandmousies from getting breast cancer! We're doing an even larger study on the transgenerational stuff now... so cool!

the thought of doing a postdoc makes me die a little inside.


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SENIMMO 2/12/2013 10:41PM

    emoticon So glad things went well! Hope the funding thing works out, I will add that to my prayer list. I also hate current sizing! And I'm WAY bigger than you, lol. But yeah, having a different size for every dang store you go into just really bites. That's why I seriously plan to lose enough to start snagging my husband's and son's jeans and just rolling them up! At least I will have a chance of the waistbands actually coming NEAR my waist and not barely halfway up my butt emoticon

Have a wonderful rest of the week!
emoticon

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JUJUFISH 2/12/2013 8:43PM

    You and me both sister! emoticon

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A-DAY-AT-A-TIME 2/12/2013 8:37PM

  I truly hate the sizing of women's clothing. It can drive you batty. Glad your interview went well.

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TIME2BLOOM4ME 2/12/2013 8:28PM

    emoticon

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