Monday, November 12, 2012
Okay. I'm officially hitting reset. I'm starting from square one again. This doesn't depress me or annoy me, which I often read when blogs talk about this topic.
I'm giving up control over my food and getting back to basics. No more, well I can have this... no more--well this won't hurt me if I only buy one bag... no more, I know what I'm doing, I lost 100# -- I can eat badly for a few days (which has turned into over a week!)
So back to basics. Back to tracking. I need some cardio minutes tonight. Back to a protein and vegetables for dinner. Back to a strict breakfast full of protein (I actually really like my breakfast now, I just didn't have the food in my house--problem solved yesterday). But I think the biggest thing is tracking what I eat. Measuring what I eat. Seeing what I've eaten all day on the screen in front of me --and having long hard thoughts about, "was that really worth it?" vs "holy crap, I ate so much and have calories left over." I need more of the second and less of the first.
I finally got back to my house on Saturday night. Admittedly I ate McDonalds on the drive home as part of my 'ahhh screw it' attitude. I did stop myself from getting a McFlurry, but after the calorie bomb of a greasy dinner *shakes head* -- it didn't even taste as good as I remember... Guess what body -- you're getting the fruits and veggies you requested back. I just miss summer. The produce was delicious and cheap. I feel like everything in the stores now is a crappy substitute for the crisp, juicy stuff of summer. But no whining -- I'm going to get some canned lite/no syrup fruit when I get to the store, and some more frozen fruit cocktail bags to enjoy.
This week was so stressful I literally came home, unpacked my car, and took a long bubble bath. Then went to bed at 8:30 on a Saturday. After dragging myself out of bed at 9:30 Sunday morning I went to the store. Target was out of Turkey Jerkey *so mad!* and I didn't feel like going to walmart, so I ended up just going to Natural Grocers and Aldis. I also forgot my soy milk *facepalm* so I do need to make a Walmart run soon... I was just a little crabby yesterday so I continued my "me time" by cleaning out my DVR and not working out as planned.
For that reason - no more excuses today. That's it. I've already tracked breakfast, and I tracked lunch while I was at it. I can do this -- I've done it before -- I will do it again. I'm afraid to step on the scale though. I've somehow managed to not weigh in for a few weeks. I need to tomorrow to see the damage of the past week... It might not be that bad, but my head is telling me it will be BAD. I guess I'll find out tomorrow.
Here's to not giving up and getting back to basics.
Thursday, November 08, 2012
So much has happened in the last few days -- its been a rollercoaster.
Starting out with good -- I spent last weekend with TJ again. He's officially going to stick around for awhile. Everything was going great until I heard my grandma had a stroke on Saturday. Then on Sunday we found out it was worse than initially thought, so I was trying to not be a weepy girl with the new BF, but it was really emotional.
Basically my gma is 93, so she's frail, but she could still walk and lived in an apartment building that cooked her food but still gave her independence and space. Now she can't walk, is in a new facility that is nursing home-ish and is angry and embarrassed at how she has to live.
My mom called us on Sunday to ask me and my sisters to come home just in case she didn't make it. So I came home Monday into chaos. My mom had been manically cleaning (her coping mechanism) and was irritated and touchy. My dad (its his mom) was flustered and coping. My uncle was upset and will throw as much money at this problem as we can, but the reality is worse than all of them want to admit.
Monday we get her transferred to a new rehab center from the hospital... but she's worse off physically than they might be able to care for. My sister who is a doctor tells the whole family that she was misdiagnosed and in order for us to get an accurate medical diagnosis she needs an MRI and then insurance will be able to pay for more of her care and rehab.
Tuesday was a lot of a) cleaning to help my mom out, b) running around trying to get my grandma some clothes and personal belongings at her new place, and c) trying to maintain a level of calm in the storm and keep the fights from breaking out... that didn't happen so much. Everyone is touchy right now.
Plus TJ is only 50 minutes away so he wanted to see me to at least give me a hug since this is so rough emotionally.
Wednesday I went shopping with my mom and sisters to get my grandma new clothes since she won't be able to wear a lot of her old clothes with her inability to move her arms and legs as much -- so more elastic waistbands and soft silky nightgowns. Then my crabby sister Erin (the doctor) finally left. She has been antagonizing me this whole time. We never got along, so spending 3 days in each other's company is a little too much.
Beth is still here but going home tonight on the train. I had to drive to pick her up on Monday since she has developed too much anxiety to drive... Erin tried to guilt trip me into wanting to stay here in STL to see TJ instead of driving my sister Beth home... I am not falling for it. The $16 ticket will save us 2 hours and $30 in gas, so yea... Beth's taking the train today.
I finally got to see TJ for dinner last night and we did some shopping to waste time together. It was really nice and I needed the break from the family.
Today I'm switching back to cleaning my mom's house and doing laundry. I know that's the kind of stuff that helps her out more than anything.
So basically I've been eating crap and emotionally filling the drama with food. Its been a bad week. I've eaten horribly, but holy crap! The drama!
Now my family is starting to slow down. Gma is settling into her new place and had an MRI last night... I'm going to see TJ again tonight so I'm looking forward to that.
Hopefully once I get back home next week I can work it out and get back on the healthy eating train.
Monday, October 29, 2012
I'm all smiles today... heck I've been all smiles this entire weekend. If cheek muscles could burn a ton of calories I'd be stick thin by now.
I can finally say that after a year of online dating and tons of frogs, I am officially off the market. TJ came to visit this weekend and we've both been acting like silly 13 year olds in love ever since. He lives in the St. Louis area, so we won't be able to see each other in person every week, so hopefully that will keep me in check from falling off my healthy wagon and give us time to really get to know each other. Even as I'm typing this I'm smiling like an idiot.
Now I know anyone who's lost weight freaks out about the "fat little secret" we carry around. I was so worried that a) TJ would see my arm scars and freak out or b) would see my formerly fat pictures of FB and run away. After our dates last weekend I begrudgingly added him on FB since he was being so cute and sweet. I even freaked out before I added him and tried to remove the tags from all of my fat photos... and there were a lot of photos... so it didn't really work. He was apparently enamored enough to go through my whole profile... so needless to say, the fat girl inner voice said he was going to run. And then the fit girl inner voice kept telling me (as did all of my friends and you guys) that if he runs, he wasn't worth it in the first place...
I made dinner on Friday for us, and afterward I started to bring some stuff up... He quote "had noticed my scars, but was too much of a gentleman to ever bring them up." He talked a lot about his battle with depression too over the weekend, so I finally felt comfortable sort of mentioning the weight loss. Once again he said he had noticed, and that it looked like "I had really changed" but never once did he say anything negative.
He's smitten... I'm head over heels... so its been fun. I also have a post over on reddit with a link to my progress photos. He wanted my username over there so he could see what I've been posting -- once again the inner fat girl said *NO, don't show him that! He'll run!" But being TJ he kept being really sweet so I caved and sent him my user information -- so I know now for sure that there aren't really any fat girl secrets between us.
This was scary for me people. My blog and posts may be positive (and I always try to stay positive) -- but my inner fat girl is a b*tch and she rears her ugly head every now and again to make me feel like crap. So I've calmed down a bit about TJ running. He seems like a keeper, and I am incredibly happy right now.
I think I finally found my new motivation to keep my diet in check. I've been not tracking, and apparently I'm doing okay. I've stabilized to around 181 so I finally updated my weight tracker. Maybe if I keep up with my strength training and weight lifting mixed with cardio I'll bust the 180 mark soon. It definitely helped me get through my 3000 crunches routine again last night. I was going to up it to 4000 but I got bored, lol.
I have a follow-up visit with my plastic surgeon on Friday, so I'm going to try and kill my arm muscles tonight with a great workout. I think my biceps are finally starting to show :-D And maybe I'll finally stop smiling... but I doubt it ;-)
Here's my reddit posts if anyone is interested or is a redditor: www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/10a
Bonus -- here's a pic from this weekend's tailgate.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
That's a quote from one of my favorite fitness Tumblrs the Arthlete : arthlete.tumblr.com You should all go check her out. Her stuff is great for motivational boards.
Lately I've been thinking of this one ;-)
I managed to do 1000 cruches on the ball, 1000 crunches on the ground with my feet on the ball, and 1000 sidebends holding a 25# kettlebell. That's 3000 crunches... Yes, I can feel that today!
I also did squats, single leg squats, quad workouts, glutes stretches, dumbbell presses, and dumbbell hammer curls, and dumbell... well I kinda forgot what all I did.
Basically I'm in a super good mood. TJ has been nothing but attentive and super cute via text. (An alternative title to this blog would have been WHY THE HECK ISN'T IT FRIDAY YET!?!?!?!) Haha... but I'm trying to not get ahead of myself.
This morning I weighed in at 180.8. I won't change my ticker until I see if this was a one day fluke or an actual weight loss -- but that ALSO helped my fantastic mood.
Before I ramble, here's some of the other artwork from Arthlete I love:
Yes crunches are easier when you actually have ABS!
I'm weight lifting to improve my shape not lose weight. Right now the scale and I have broken up. I'm having an affair with my mirror. I'm learning to love what I see there instead of focusing on what I hate.
Today I let myself splurge on breakfast. I knew I was going to be running late. It was an allergy shot morning and I stayed up too late last night... (we won't mention the Cards game) So I used a free breakfast sandwich Monopoly piece I had (from the one time in 6 months that I caved and got it after a night of drinking = bad habits!). I was planning on being good and getting a McMuffin since they're healthier than the biscuits but wouldn't you know, those sly devils put a thing on there it had to be anything but a McMuffin. Oh well. I splurged on a hashbrown since I knew I could factor it into my daily calories -- and wouldn't you know I won a McFlurry and a medium fry! It's like these people know I am a reformed fast food addict and a cheapskate -- they're luring me back with free food. Bad combo. I need to gift someone I like a free McFlurry stat before I go eat one.
Or maybe I'll save it for a rainy day...
That's about it. I need to go make my tutu for Halloween (and see if my one costume will fit. I bought it online and I'm still scared as heck that I'm not small enough to fit into some of the women's sizes since sizing is so crazy... *fingers crossed* I won't look bad! I'm so going to post a side by side of the last few Halloweens for everyone to see the progress. I hated photos, but I ALWAYS got dressed up for Halloween.
And now for some final motivation ... seriously go check out: arthlete.tumblr.com
Monday, October 22, 2012
So I have had quite a busy, busy past five days.
I had an ex(ish) guy from June/July of this year out of the blue ask me if I wanted to go to game 4 of the National League Championship Series at Busch to see the Cards play… Moral dilemma… didn’t want to date him – made that perfectly clear… he thinks he can a) change my mind and b) bribe me with Cardinals tickets.
So I made it clear it was just as friends, and he seemed okay with that. Cue to us at the game TALKING for three hours. Apparently he’s been completely hung up on me (after only 2 dates people!) and needed to either convince me to date him or get closure. So I spent about three hours beating around the bush. I don’t want to be mean to the guy but he is definitely in the friendzone… and I don’t particularly like a guy who thinks that if he takes me to the World Series (which he offered) that I would instantly date him. I can’t be bought, and the fact that he kept trying offended me.
SO after the game he asked me to help pay for the tickets!!! What?! I was kind of shocked since he had just bragged about his promotion and pay increase and the fact that he has tickets to 4 World Series Games… I ended up buying our dinner as peace offering. Then told him I wasn’t going to go to Game 5 with him… then just bought them off him (at a markup!) to go with my Dad instead. So that was drama…
So Friday I did some crafts with my Mom, got some shopping and cooking in, and then went to Game 5 with my Dad. It was so cold! I had on a pencil skirt and tights for Game 4… Game 5 = thermals under my jeans + a blanket!!! It was fun. It sucked that we lost. I think the best quote of the night came from a 10 year old next to me when the Giants made a great play, “Don’t boo him guys—that was a great catch!” So that was my mentality for the rest of the game after it was clear we were going to lose…
Cut to Saturday. I went with my mom to a crafting day with my “other moms” aka my friends moms and fellow girl scout moms. They all hadn’t seen me for awhile. I was apparently “unrecognizable” (in a good way). Then I showed off the arm scars and they were all appropriately horrified and impressed. And of course there were the “oh you’re so pretty now, well you were always pretty, but…” then my mom cut in “yea, but now people notice it!” *sigh* That sentence still makes me cringe a bit.
But I was in a good mood. I had a date! Completely new guy for anyone keeping track, haha. This guy is 6’7” tall! (not a typo) so me being 5’10” I was in heaven. I finally got some exercise in too! I suggested a zoo date so we could walk around and be distracted by animals. And walk! I needed to get some activity in, there was a lot of sitting involved in the baseball games. Then dinner at Schlafly and some drinks… all in all a really good time and this guy definitely has the most promise for an actual relationship… I’m still a little *squee* about it right now…
As I was packing up Sunday to come back to Columbia he sent me a text asking if I had lunch yet, ‘cause he couldn’t wait another week to see me… sorry for everyone who just got a cavity ;-)
So we went back to Forest Park (with my two little dogs in tow) for a quick picnic before I left…
Now I didn’t do too badly with food this weekend. It’s Shark Week so I’m not weighing myself and I’m determined to get in a good cardio workout tonight. I have a lot of strength training planned this week. I’m going to be a bit more careful though, since it took three days for my right shoulder to calm down after I wrenched it. Being tall my joints tend to pop out every now and again, and a 10# weight pulled my right shoulder a bit too much.
That’s it. I had a really fantastic four days and now I’m back to work and back to making smart decisions with food and exercise.
AND it’s Halloween weekend!!! I have changed my costume like 5 times. What I thought I was going to be might not be shipped till after Halloween, and who knows if I really want to paint myself pink… so its going to be a surprise after all!
Plus today I gave myself a Frankenstein manicure… It’s adorable. I love Halloween. Everyone have a good week and avoid fun size candy bars! I’m telling myself, I’d rather have a fun sized a$$ than a fun sized candy bar!
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