Tuesday, July 10, 2012
I've been off my game lately. I felt great, I thought I'm looking better, I'm good.... it won't matter if I go out for lunch today... and then the next day... and then dinner the day after that... and then a weekend trip...
Oh wait. It does.
So now I'm up, I had a massive headache last night that prevented a good workout, and I felt crappy. My body is literally screaming at me to quit it and get back to the basics. So now I've got the guilt about screwing up my good streak with a few bad weeks, plus the anxiety that fat is magically going to reappear quickly on my body. Which it sort of has. I think now that I've lost this much, my body is fighting me to get back up to my old set point. Stupid biochemistry... You'd think that scientists could figure out weight loss, but we can't. Its too complex. I read a rather depressing article the other day -- after losing a massive amount of weight, your body literally uses calories differently. It assumes you've gone through a massive trauma, and even though physically you're so much healthier -- your metabolism is still freaking out about the change. The article was about how people who lose weight will ultimately gain it back, unless they're weird and super obsessive. Well guess what -- I want to be one of that 1-5% who keep it off forever. No more 200s!
I got on the scale this morning after just barely going over my calories for the day, and just barely working out (headache). And I was at first annoyed the scale hadn't moved. Didn't it know I put in the minimal amount of effort yesterday and expected a drastic result?!
It took me a second to realize, duh, you're the one with the issues here. My goal for this week is to track it all -- the good and the bad -- and be more mindful of my eating. I blew my calories on popcorners white cheddar snacks. Am I seriously going to get fat again by eating healthy food? The weight gain of this weekend was due to all of my poor food choices (3 days running) -- and guess what, I can't reverse that in 2 days. I hope to get it all figured out by the end of next week and be closer to my goal.
My motivation lately has been lacking. I felt too good. Well sorta. I had some emotional stuff with dating -- which instead of taking anxiety meds, I drank a bottle and a half of wine on the 4th and got plastered. Well that wasn't healthy and I learned about the hour and half I blacked out this past weekend = can you say embarrassing?
So back to being a teetotaler. It's calorically better for me not to drink and I know I can withstand the peer pressure to drink. I've done it for years -- I just need to remember that even though I may be going out -- I don't have to order food and I don't have to drink. I can be social without damaging my waistline.
I hit up Schnucks after work and stocked up on healthy stuff. 2# of strawberries, cherries, grapes, apples, salad mix, frozen pre-portioned fish, Jif PB to go tubs (on sale for a $1! So cheap), and my popcorners and skinny pop popcorn.
So far today I've been good. I seem to want to eat most of my calories in the morning/lunch -- then not have much left for dinner. I also workout at night, so I feel like i have to eat after burning 500 calories doing cardio... so I'm still figuring out what I'm doing...
I just wish I had a magic pill to make this all work... doesn't everyone? Instead I'm going to be one of those obsessive people focused on maintaining a healthy lifestyle. My body is basically in revolt right now over my 3 day binge. I'm still trying to get back to normal. No more caffeine, no more dairy, no more cheese especially, and no more excuses.
Monday, July 09, 2012
So I don’t hate cameras anymore… I don’t know when this switch occurred, but instead of the utter revulsion and hatred quickly followed by a scheme to get myself out of the picture – I just smile and pose and try to look cute.
I got preeeetty good at avoiding the camera. There are quite a few years of undocumented 250+ pound Sara. I was flipping back to pre-facebook days and there just are not photos of me. I have the requisite Christmas/Easter/family photos but none of me going out with friends.
This weekend I went on a Kansas City trip with friends to go shopping and go out. It didn’t go exactly as planned and I did not even bother with tracking. Normal, overeating, going with the flow and drinking too much Sara came out – I had RIBS(!), bread pudding, 4 fancy boozy unhealthy cocktails, and more… and guess what--I was up on the scale today. Right now I’ve been bouncing around the same weight up and down for the last two months. I’m almost at my goal weight. I’m not unhappy with my current weight. I still try to eat good and exercise 9 days out of 10 – but I just don’t have that same drive that I did when I was losing 5-10 pounds a month. Right now my body is in the “let’s adjust to this new weight” range. I don’t have the tenacity to lower my calories down too far either at the moment. I would say I run a deficit most days, but sometimes its only a few hundred calories, so its not adding up to a pound by the end of the week – but I know that before I get on the scale. I was a little annoyed by the reading this morning, but I know a weeks worth of good exercise and healthy eating should put me back down to where I was before.
One thing I do feel like I am making progress on is my mindset. Like I said – I’m not unhappy with my weight. I think that’s the first time I could ever say that. I’m still lumpy, bumpy, and not perfect – but I’m happy with myself. I took a bunch of pictures this weekend on our trip – I was going out of my way to get in pictures instead of the other way around. I even went out at night in a TIGHT dress – without spanxs! I had to suck in my gut – it wasn’t perfect – but I rocked the dress. People openly stared at me – and for once I wasn’t self conscious. True it made me suck in my tummy, throw my shoulders back, and smile – but I wasn’t worried about what they were thinking. This time I just assumed they were looking at my butt in the dress (I did mention it was TIGHT right?)
So yet another major milestone emotionally for me. First the swim suit… now a love for photography… maybe these little steps will end up with a new found dedication to get those last pesky little pounds off.
Oh and here’s the dress – it’s a green and white ikat print from H&M – so awesome – and only $17.95! (hence why I went to KC for shopping!)
Monday, July 09, 2012
I found a lot of this relevant to my mindset right now. I'm not at my "goal" weight -- but I'm damn close and on a plateau that I'm okay with.
The Downsides to Meeting Your Goal Weight
You've worked hard to reach your goal weight. Now what happens?
By Rachel Wilkerson
When I started losing weight, I often looked at women who were thinner than I was and thought, “Wow, her life must be so easy.” I knew that once I got to my goal weight, I’d feel awesome, and healthy living would be just as easy for me as it was for all the “I can eat whatever I want and not gain weight” women around me.
Now that I’ve lost 75 pounds, I can say that I do feel awesome... but I can’t say that a healthy lifestyle comes easy. Weight maintenance isn’t as simple as I expected. While being at my goal weight has its perks, I have to admit: I failed to appreciate some of the great benefits I enjoyed along the way. If I did it all over again, here's what I'd do different:
Celebrate Better Health Just as Much as a Smaller Dress Size. I always thought I worked out for the health benefits (mental and physical) as much as I did for losing weight, but now that I no longer have thinner thighs as a goal, I’m seeing that’s not the case. I’ve actually been pretty disappointed in myself for not finding lowering my cholesterol as compelling of a goal as looking hot at a social event. (“Wait, am I really that shallow?” I ask myself at least once a week. “Yes. Yes, I am,” is my response.) It turns out knowing that I was doing something to change what I didn't like about my body was a huge source of motivation.
Relish in Being Able to See My Results. When I was losing weight, I actually looked forward to my weigh-ins and the feeling of my pants getting loose. It kept my motivation high. But now, I don’t really see results. Now I have to find other ways to measure my progress, whether it’s focusing on more toned shoulders or shaving a minute off my mile time. I wish I could say these things are just as motivating as seeing the scale change, but that’s not always the case.
Embrace Change in All Aspects of Life. Or a new anything. While you’re losing weight, you’ll probably find yourself shopping for new clothes and trying on something that you’d never even considered before. And then you find yourself trying all sorts of new things: new hobbies, new foods, new friends. It’s such a great time to redefine yourself. Now that I’m at my goal weight, life seems a little ho-hum. Sure, I could go out and try something new, but I find I’m less likely to do that when I’m not out buying new jeans too.
Remember: You Can Eat More When You’re Still Losing. Though I feel a bit less concerned with what I eat now, I have to eat fewer calories overall because I no longer need the energy to sustain myself and, well, a fourth-grader. With every 10 pounds or so that I lost, I needed to eat less. And that is hard for me because I really like to eat.
Enjoy the Support and Encouragement Along the Way. When I was losing weight, I felt like everyone was cheering me on. Now I feel like at best, they’ve lost interest; at worst, they’re waiting for me to fail and gain it all back. New people I meet assume I can eat whatever I want and don’t think I need any cheering on in a workout class, but the truth is, I have just as many moments of I’d-rather-have-slept-in-and-oh-my-god-why
-can-I-just-give-up-now as I did when I was 20, 30, and 50 pounds heavier.
I remember how frustrated I often felt when I was trying to lose weight, so I am happy that I finally hit my goal. That said, I wish I’d appreciated more of these benefits when I was feeling impatient about my weight loss.
Sunday, July 01, 2012
I am one of those people who always are covered up. I'm getting better. I started wearing shorts last summer. People were shocked! They always used to bug me about wearing jeans in 90+ heat and humidity in St. Louis -- and I shrugged it off. I mean honestly I was used to it, so you just deal. Plus who wanted to see my fat legs in shorts, right? At least that's what I used to think.
Well shorts/legs -- okay. But upper arms. Heeeeeeell to the no. That's probably my worst body image issue that I have, hands down. I inherited my southern grandma arms from the Oswalt side of the family. No matter how skinny my aunts or mom has been -- they still have jiggly, large upper arms. Its our genetic curse. Seriously, my one aunt got down to 120-130--toned all over... except for jiggly upper arms. I should start researching that jello gene and get rid of it! But I digress...
Yesterday was a float trip with my grad student friends. Now for the past four years I've skipped. Why did I skip -- two words. Bathing suit. Those two evil little words carry so much power. Now every female hates to go bathing suit shopping. Hands down, worst experience we all have to go through. I think it has to do with the fact that you can't hide in a bathing suit. Its literally all on display for the world to see. There's no cardigans on a float trip either. So I would have to go in a bathing suit (with no sleeves) or wear a t-shirt and a)look like a boy and b)get a rocking farmers tan.
So I sucked it up (and in!) and went bathing suit shopping a few weeks ago so I would go on this float trip. I found a cute one at Torrid -- super tight with built in Spanx-like technology -- and ruffles to hide lumps and bumps. Its cute. It completely smashes my boobs down so my B-cup was an A-cup yesterday, but it also smashed down my stomach so I dealt.
When I started the float I had on a ridiculous caftan. It was long sleeves, but suddenly I was like -- screw it. I took of the caftan and let my upper arms see sunlight for the first time in public since... I dunno... EVER! And I am not joking about that. I will literally not go in public with my upper arms exposed. I used to not even go around family with my upper arms exposed. I will eventually take a picture and show you all what I mean, but this was a huge deal for me.
So now I was not only on a float trip, in public, with cute guys around, in a bathing suit, but my arms were flapping in the breeze as I paddled. My friends were like "no one cares" and I had to think to myself. Okay -- on this float trip will the most important topic of discussion be my upper arms. No? Okay then shut up inner monologue and deal with it.
I had a bit of self-consciousness as we passed other groups on the river, but honestly I saw a lot of women with stuff hanging out left and right -- and they were having an amazing time and probably couldn't care less what the heck I thought about them -- so conversely -- they probably didn't even register a comment about me either.
So I dealt with my issues -- had an amazing time -- and really wished I would have gotten over my issues a long time ago and stopped missing out on life.
All told yesterday I had a workout! We got on the river at 11AM and finished at 6:30PM for a 10 mile float. I know I didn't burn a super amount of calories as we floated, but I did a bit of swimming, some paddling, and dragging of the canoe -- so I feel like I did pretty darn good yesterday. Today my shoulders are like -- what the heck was that!?! Even my upper arms are joining the complaint brigade -- and that feels great.
Today I'm going to try and get my virtual 5K in for Spark. I made a 13:45 mile on Friday night -- which is again -- my fastest yet. I think my goal is to be under 50 minutes. Anything under will be great. I can usually get one 14 minute mile in... one 15 minute mile in... and one 19 minute mile. I just can't keep up the quick pace the whole time. But hey--as we all like to say--that's still faster than everyone still on the couch!
Last thing: I've come to the decision that as a reward for losing 100 pounds I am going to go see a plastic surgeon about brachioplasty to remove all of my extra upper arm skin. I reached this decision after I realized that I no longer have an elbow! Its practically disappeared. My arms my biggest hang-up, and as my mom put it "yea if you do that then it will actually look like you've lost a lot more weight" Ouch -- yep -- thanks mom.
I know what she means though. She's got the same fat arms as me--but as I'm writing this I'm in a size small t-shirt that matches one that I used to wear that was an XXL. I just visited my college, and wanted to get this shirt to wear in public. Going through the sizes and picking out a small was the weirdest feeling ever. This is officially the first small shirt i've ever bought. Now granted its unisex, and runs large, but still. Holy crap. I need to take a picture with a size comparison and post it on my wall somewhere. Anytime I start to feel like crap --- look at the photo.
I'm still readjusting to my new size and life... but the small steps to get over the mental stuff (like wearing a bathing suit in public) seem so much tougher than running a 5k or doing 100 squat thrusts... am I right? Yesterday to me was a major therapy session for me to get over some of my hangups. a) not everyone is talking about how you look and b) if they are--they might be positive things about your weight loss or your attitude or a joke you just made. I need to take the negative narcissist out of my brain and start focusing on being present and active in my life.
Here's to July being even better than June and finding another place to wear my cute swim suit ;-)
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