Monday, May 13, 2013
Thank Jesus that the scale is moving down. It honestly made me feel better to see 189.7 this morning. Even though its just 0.3# from 190, that made all the difference to my silly head.
So, back on the plan for one week + shark week bloat gone = down three pounds.
This weekend was a roller coaster of emotions. Friday I ate well-ish. I ate my veggies. Got my lunch comped because they overcooked my tuna steak (mmm... tuna steak!) and made it home. My mom was sick so she didnít want to see me really to ďnot get me sick.Ē She actually told me to get away from her... she was in a mood. TJ met us at the restaurant, but we were late since my older sister was not ready at all. She then flipped out that she was not perfectly done up since she used to work at this place, so she popped a Valium. *shakes head*
My poor dad had worked third shift so he was exhausted. We had to wait like 25 minutes for a table, so we had a bit to drink. It was okay. I ate a big salad before dinner, and only have a few slices of pizza that were small. TJ put away some pizza ;-) Beth ate a salad, and practically an entire pizza herself and talked constantly because of the pills she was on. It was annoying to say the least.
After that we had cake and ice milk at the house. I ate it. It was awesome. But it was a small cake and my mom ate half of it, so I didnít do too badly on that.
Saturday I made breakfast and basically headed to the ballgame since it was so nice out and I slept in. TJ got us tickets close to the third baseline for the game. It was nice, but hot and sunny out. I forgot sunscreen of course, so Iím a little red now. Luckily my foundation had sunscreen in it or Iíd be annoyed at having to buy new foundation (I tan easily). So once my burned cleavage heals up (yep... that happened) I should be good to go.
While we were at the game the sh*t hit the fan. My mom was in a mood. My oldest sister left the house bitching and screaming... and then my mom started... also the reason to leave for the game early... Basically my mom is still really annoyed that my stuff is still in the garage and her house is a mess. Her house is always a mess. My stuff isnít that badóshe has crap EVERYWHERE she needs to organize, but instead she vents everything on me and my dad. Its just emotionally abusive right now since she gets really depressed with SAD in the spring and not winter like most people. Iím trying to avoid it, but its definitely a huge trigger for emotional eating that Iím dealing with right now.
By the time we got home though she had passed out from drinking so I packed an overnight bag and stayed at TJs place. Ended up cooking his mom a motherís day breakfast instead of my own. Iíve had a few texts from my mom since then, but Iím honestly just trying to stay away from her at this point. I donít need her drama dragging me down right now. And I will work on my stuff... she seriously throws a hissy fit anytime I choose to spend time with TJ, even if it is on my birthday or going to a game (which was a birthday present). *sigh*
Iím used to it. It sucks. BUT I stayed healthy this week and lost weight.
Now I just need to keep doing that AND find a job!
Wednesday, May 08, 2013
Yesterday was my Day 1 of rebooting. Done. Just barely under my calorie goal. But under. I also redid my tracker/goals. Spark called me a crazy woman and I readjusted my expectations.
I'm still feeling a bit lazy, so I'm focusing on food. I need to get used to counting and tracking everything. If it goes in my mouth, its going in my tracker. I am doing this ASAP after I eat. I think I need the accountability of doing this. Its weird looking at the food I was eating both portion and calorie wise and just cringing. Thank god its almost summer. This means good fruit is finally available again. Hello honeydew! Hello good cheap strawberries! Ooh and watermelon/cantaloupe/grapes/hungry for fruit yet? I'm also upping my veggies. I spent an hour Monday chopping up fruit and veggies so that they were a) portable, b) ready to eat, c) going to go bad if I didn't eat them, and d) perfect for salads. I feel dumb even saying it, but when you put them in your tracker and see that a cup of broccoli is like 40 calories... I just realized I need to eat a sh*t ton more veggies. I'm a fruit-a-holic but veggies are kind of a necessary evil for me. That's my goal now. Each some dang veggies... every day.
Friday's my bday. Everyone wants to make plans to eat out and I'm a little worried. Tomorrow I'm going to a mongolian grill for lunch. That way I can control my portions and honestly, I only use garlic broth and soy sauce for my meals. A scoop of garlic water is like 2 calories max. A scoop of oil is over 100 calories! I get worried when I see put 4-5 ladles of oil in their bowl. I do like 4-5 of garlic broth... so I don't worry + a sh*t ton of vegetables = good to go! Oh and that's where I eat most of my cabbage. Note to self: take beano tomorrow!
Friday night I'm going to get pizza at Peel in Edwardsville, IL. Its so good. Its artisan brick oven pizza. yum! My mom's insisting on a cake or something. I'm not a huge cake person, so I asked for a lemon meringue pie... that will go a lot quicker than a cake, so hopefully I won't eat as much.
Saturday is a Cardinals game with TJ. We may or may not go to the Brazillian restaurant in Chesterfield after the game (I got a groupon a few weeks ago). So this weekend might be a little difficult. I'm still going to try to track stuff. AND I will get in exercise moving my stuff around and trying to organize my rooms around. So that's pretty much it.
I'm already feeling better. Today I'm in 2-day jeans so they actually went on without a fight today. I secretly loathe freshly washed jeans... My hormones have calmed down a ton... I'm almost done editing my thesis... I just finished a big salad with veggies and grilled chicken... I'm feeling good. I'm not worried this week about the scale magically dropping 2-3# of my 10+# gain. It took me 2 months to gain the 10#, its not going to come off in 2 weeks. Baby steps. This week' goal = food + more veggies. Next week's goal = get moving!
Monday, May 06, 2013
Well that hurt, but it wasnít as bad as it could have been... Stepping on the scale this morning, I just said to myself ďscrew it, whatever it is, is just the beginning of starting over.Ē So I got on. 193. It was up. Honestly it has been up for awhile, I just kept denying that my tracker set at 184 wasnít that off. OR I was just going to not update it again until I got below 184 where it has been set for awhile.
Then I remembered, this is not the point of Spark. Sometimes I feel a bit of pressure since Iím a motivator and since I have lost a bunch of weight. Dropping from 270/280 to 180 was great. Then... I hung out at 184 for half a year... Then I had my arm reduction surgery... swelled up a bit. Maintained around 184... then the second revision surgery went bad. Then I got busy/lazy/stressed. Crazy thesis drama ensued. Sold my house. Came up with a lot of excuses to not work out or care what I put in my mouth... So Iím up to 193.
Iím up 10# for not watching myself or working out. Not as bad as it could be. But also not far from where I was. Its just 10#. My stomach is bigger, my arms that I just paid $6k to fix are bigger (now that is enough to irk me!) and my jeans are very vocal about my increased waist. I still donít look bad though. I feel a little uncomfortable in my some clothes, but Iím still cute. But Iím going for hot. Iím going for beat the men off with a stick hot. I will get there.
Iím finishing up my thesis edits now. Turning it in Friday. Then the serious crazy stressful job hunt begins. Also. Mission HPOA. Fill in the blanks on the acronym ;-)
On the boy front I was just at another wedding with him. He knows a ton of people getting hitched. He seriously needs to stop taking me to weddings when Iím hormonal. It was supposed to be that time of the month... still waiting. So I was either PMSing or pregnant = horrible time to go to a wedding. Honestly its like 99% PMS. Weddings + hormonal girl friend = googly eyes and crying.
Weíre doing really good. He keeps helping me move stuff around. I almost have all of my furniture in my bedroom at my parents house. Its still a mess. Havenít been able to spend any time there to reorganize the stuff. Ugh... and of course Iíve gotten guilt trips from my mom about that.
Fridayís my birthday too. Is it weird that Iíve been so busy I donít have a wish list or want to do anything? I wouldnít mind crawling into pajamas with my dogs watching Netflix with TJ but thatís about it. Moving stuff around makes me feel a lot less materialistic. I donít want any more stuff to move, lol.
Okay, now onto the plan. Iím staying with my friend Mette this week. Sheís getting married in two weeks so eating healthy is on the game plan. I brought salad and fruit and center cut bacon and eggs for breakfast. I spent a ton of money on food last week, and I added up the calories... reality check time! I canít afford $100 and 2000 calories of food! Iíll be fat and broke!
So planning ahead = salads, eggs/bacon, fruit, healthy food = staying under my calorie goal = losing weight!
I can do this. You can do this. We will do this!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Okay... so I'm doing this again. I shouldn't expect to be perfect and be in my calorie range right away day 2. I'm close. I tracked -- so that's better than before.
I'm staying with friends in town from now on, seeing as I'm homeless. Trying not to freak out about life in general. I still have to edit my thesis. I'll turn in my D4 form to the grad school tomorrow, right before I meet with financial aid. Ten years of college, and private undergrad to boot = more than I bargained for. If I go the standard route, my payments are $1100+ a month, so needless to say, I'm gonna try to figure out my options and talk to an advisor for his opinion.
I need a job. That's the realization that's scaring me right now. I need to use this fancy degree I earned and find a job that will pay me well. That's not easy as many people on here know. I won't get into it, and unless you all know of a biochemistry/science-related job in St. Louis -- I'm not really looking for help. I just wanted to vent a little.
I sent myself into a panic attack today thinking about it. Made myself sick. And instead of getting Chinese at Hy-vee I bought a salad and some mixed fruit, and some more mixed fruit for breakfast. Apparently my breakfast today was well over 700 calories. Thought "its not that bad," tracked it, and saw it was. So I'm slowly Sparking again. I need it. I need to feel like I'm accomplishing something good, and working out and feeling better is good.
I mean I already felt better this morning after working out last night. I didn't do a lot, but considering I had no equipment but myself, I didn't do too bad. I'll do it again later after all the fruit and veggies settle out of my stomach.
Today I learned, being a grown-up sucks...
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