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But it was SO FESTIVE! (w/pics!)

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I haven't been posting much lately.

Mostly because I've been making a dedicated effort to be a real-live grown-up, and to my surprise, grown-ups are boring.

Not so much to my surprise, I'm not very good at trying to be a grown-up.
At ALL.

I try to do grown up things like buy ONE little cute, office-appropriate Halloween figurine for my desk. Grown-ups can be fun too, I tell myself, grown ups can have this cute little ceramic Daisy Duck dressed in a purple witch outfit on their desk and it's totally okay but still festive. I don't NEED to pull out my cotton spider webs and light up spiders and over do it this year.

But she looked so lonely...

(mostly people got startled and terrified and I really like it)

And then before I knew it I had a blinking light up mini jack-o-lantern, witch-themed window clings, and a giant hanging jack-o-lantern totem pole.

But it was so festive!

Make-up every day. That's something grown-ups do. I will do THAT!


Stuff no one's doing at work that we should probably be doing? I will do those. I will do ALL OF THOSE!!

Especially the facebook and the twitter.
And the browsing around the internets a lot to "look at sample websites" to update ours.



I will clean ALL of the apartment before I have people over. And then I will KEEP it that way!


I'll probably never be a grown-up.

I'm gonna go dig the gold-lame turkey plushy out of my filing cabinet and put it on the chair in my office.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRIXIEBLUE 12/2/2011 12:19PM

    Honey being a grown up is over-rated. You are fun loving spirit, don't change to be someone elses idea of normal.

We love you the way you are!

Trixie

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SYZYGY922 11/18/2011 4:00PM

    I will never be a grown up.

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 11/18/2011 12:08PM

    Ahh love this - I think you and I must be in similar phases in our lives! I'm trying to be a grown up too but realize that it pretty much sucks!

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MISTERJ521 11/18/2011 7:59AM

    In my closet sized hovel of a shared office I have crayon love notes on the cork board from my daughter, patriotic buttons and brickabrack from tea party socials, a collection pot for the Harley fund, mini made in China motorcycle replicas and a genuine talking "Bob" the Badger, souvenirs that others bring me from their vacations (since I don't get one), a collection of poker chips from casinos all over the globe, a hand carved balsa wood version of a black bass that holds my sunglasses every day, a cornucopia of cough drops, hard candies and breathe mints for uninvited guests and an automotive air freshener hanging from a push pin.

But the swedish candies in the shape of pickup trucks that have been placed in a "fornicating" position seem to be the "peoples favorite".

What do you mean I am sooo childish? Get out or I'll shoot a spitwad at you!

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HEYBUTT 11/18/2011 7:29AM

    Pishaw. I have a wee plastic mouse sitting on a toilet (it's an eraser!) at my desk. YEAR ROUND. And right next to it is a wee T-rex contemplating a soft-serve looking pile of poo (which is also an eraser). And now that it's cold, I have trotted out my Stay Puft hat (complete with giant pom-pom).

As long as the work is getting done, decorate to your heart's content!

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MOONMANSON 11/18/2011 6:36AM

    I wore a cat-ears headband to work on Halloween.

And meowed at doctors.

And the patients loved it.

People are just afraid to show their festive

emoticon

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BETTERJULIA 11/17/2011 9:57PM

    Love it! Being a grown up is only part of it - being fun and enjoying the festive things in life anyone can do! Keep ROCKING it!

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DIANITAH 11/17/2011 9:33PM

    Love it!

I'm a teacher and my students keep me young and slightly immature. I prefer the company of them to most adults. They are hilarious and brutally honest.

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-CORAL- 11/17/2011 7:57PM

    I didn't realize until I was grown-up that there really is no such thing. I think it's good to pretend once in awhile though, because the world seems to expect grown up behavior (the audacity!). It's a constant struggle for me!

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AURORA.BELLA 11/17/2011 7:42PM

    I have 3 BOXES of Halloween decorations which I am still in the process of putting away. And I only wear sparkly colored makeup. Growing up is for squares. :D

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CARLYG8 11/17/2011 7:32PM

    If it makes you feel better, I am 48 years old and STILL don't know what I want to be when I "grow up"!
emoticon

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CROOKEDLETTER 11/17/2011 6:46PM

    I want a picture or at least as drawing of the turkey plushy!

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LULUTU 11/17/2011 6:46PM

    Standard definition 'grown up' isn't me either. Be yourself! And post a picture of that gold lame turkey -- I may have to get one of those....

Go Starfish!

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Sometimes Brains are Inconvenient. (w/pics!)

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Sometimes having a brain is really inconvenient.

Examples of this over the last week or so:

Attempting to come up with a fun blog idea:



Folding laundry



To Breakfast, or not to Breakfast?



Time Travel



Chocolate Math





  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOONMANSON 11/10/2011 6:37AM

    Hahahahahah.

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TRYTRYAGAIN10 11/10/2011 1:10AM

    Hahahha.... love it. Cute brain drawings and I emoticon the chocolate math.

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Q8PRINCESS 11/10/2011 12:21AM

    Totally understand!

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CROOKEDLETTER 11/9/2011 3:17PM

    If your brain goes 60 mph while eating short math pants in the Tardis, does U8=more chocolate?

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CAZANN2 11/9/2011 2:20PM

    Love it !! Thanks for making me laugh emoticon

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GIRLABILLY 11/9/2011 2:20PM

    I love your blogs....they make me smile :0) Even when they're about crap I *still* can't work out in my head....comic relief tends to take the frustration away!

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BETTERJULIA 11/9/2011 2:01PM

    emoticon emoticon LOVE it! Love the Tardis reference too!

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KJFRED77 11/9/2011 2:00PM

  Now i have monty python in my brain... 'if she ways as much as a duck, then...'
'She's a witch!'

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 11/9/2011 1:25PM

    emoticon(literally, my coworkers are asking me what's so funny!)

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LIVINGKERRY 11/9/2011 1:02PM

    i hope you do this for a living!

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BEATLETOT 11/9/2011 12:52PM

    Okay, they're all hilarious, but the last one was ESPECIALLY hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!

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You Don't Have a Femullet, So Things Could Be Worse! (w/pics!)

Monday, October 31, 2011

Thursday was a really exciting day for me, but not in the way I'd hoped it would be...

I discovered on Tuesday that I procrastinated buying jeans and dress pants in a size 12 for so long that I'm actually a size TEN!!! As in 10!

My reward for getting back to a size 10 was to get one of my favorite hair cuts from college. My very favorite requires a LOT of upkeep, so I decided to go for my second favorite.

Unfortunately, the only picture I have of myself with that haircut is this one:

I love that picture, but it doesn't show much of the hair.

So after hours of browsing the intertubes I found THIS one:

It's perfect!
(But don't worry, I swear to never make that face. Well maybe if I have like really bad indigestion and am also experiencing an allergic reaction that puffs up my lips to 4x normal size and way too red)


I printed it out nice and big and headed off to zumba.

I felt awesome in zumba. I was having a good time, I can do all of the jumping without my knees hurting, I know the moves now and don't have to concentrate so hard. Just general fun times.

Well about 5 minutes in I had one of those very sudden uncomfortable tickley nostril moments, and after a giant sneeze was sure there was a big ugly booger lurking somewhere.... But I couldn't find it. I kept checking my hands, my shirt, my pants, my sweat towel, the floor. I felt all over my face trying to find it. I tried to subtly check my hair.
Nothing.

Oh well, it must have been a tiny booger and gotten stuck on the bottom of my shoe or something.
Right?

Wrong.
When I scurried out to my car to hurry off to my hair appointment I found it. I was checking my mirrors and discovered it.

In the middle of my forehead.



And it wasn't tiny.


So there's that.

And THEN came the haircut. I was so determined to get the haircut just the way I want it that I drove 25 minutes away to the small town by my folks' house and have it done by the person who used to cut it that way for me.

It doesn't look like either of those pictures.
It looks like a puffy mullet with bangs that are way too short, no hair left on the sides of my face, and too much hair left in the back.
I hate it.


And it's going to take MONTHS and MONTHS to grow back enough hair by my face to rescue it.

I figure in 4-6 months it will actually grow out to a pretty hair cut...

In the meantime I guess I just get to be really creative in ways to style it?
Good thing it's fall and I have an extensive hat collection!

So just remember, no matter how bad things may seem, you don't have a femullet. So things could be worse!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KALISWALKER 11/1/2011 11:14PM

    A femullet! Poor girl but hats are great and could be your look!

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JAHCANNON 11/1/2011 6:31PM

    *giggle* I love your blogs.... and this is no exception!

First: SIZE 10!!!!!!! That's awesome! :)

Now, about the booger. Meh. Whatever. We all have them. We've all sneezed and had one appear somewhere not-so-pretty. At least it didn't end up on someone else, right? ;)


As for the hair - wash it!! Sleep on it. Then wash it again. Maybe try a couple different types of products on it. I bet you can TOTALLY make it work for you. I once walked out of my salon with 80s rocker chick hair. Except... y'know... it was 2010. It was SOOO much better after washing it and playing with it myself. :)

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THELILEA 11/1/2011 4:37PM

    I want you to shower a couple times and then post a pic of this hair! It can't be as terrible as all that. I'm with Cheetara, hair always freaks out at first!
Also, booger on your forehead?? FANTASTIC! I feel like we are both the real life version of those girls in movies who are supposed to be clumsy which makes them somehow realistic, but it's still just always adorable, like, "oops I fell into the guys arms!". In real life it's like, "oops, I fell into the soup display at the grocery store" and forehead boogers.
oh, real life, we have to laugh or we'd go nuts...

Comment edited on: 11/1/2011 4:39:47 PM

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CYNDERROSE 11/1/2011 3:09PM

    Congrats on the size 10 pants!!!

Sorry about the hair cut. I had the fem mullet most of my growing up years (Thanks Mom)

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PARASELENIC 11/1/2011 2:34PM

    Perfect timing for a bad haircut, tho, as hats/headscarves/big barrets to combat hat hair are pretty normal for the season!

Sorry about the bad hair cut, but really, size 10!!!! you win. you could be bald and you would still win.

Great job.

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MOONMANSON 11/1/2011 2:11PM

    Oh, I hate my bangs.

I have a five-head. I got bangs.

Oh, I hate my bangs.

It's been a month.

Oh, I hate my bangs.

I've got lots of headbands.

Oh, I hate my bangs.

Hair grows.

Oh, I hate my bangs.

I feel you here.

Oh, I hate my bangs.



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CHEETARA79 11/1/2011 12:09PM

    My hair always freaks out after a new cut. But once I style it myself and give it a few days, it calms down and looks normal. I'm sure that's the case with your hair! I bet when you style it yourself it will look tons better. If not, headbands are your friend till it grows out!

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BETTERJULIA 11/1/2011 11:20AM

    Oh no about the boogie and the haircut but you're in size 10 pants!!! Rock those hats and those months will pass before you know it!

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CAROLYN_ROSE 11/1/2011 10:50AM

    Ugh!! Nothing worse than a bad hair cut!! I see lots and lots of cute headbands and hats in your future. Also bobby pins can be a girls best friend!

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BEATLETOT 11/1/2011 8:22AM

    I'm sorry about your haircut. =( But you wear a SIZE 10!!!

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MISTERJ521 11/1/2011 7:47AM

    May I suggest a welders cap. They come in decorative colors and most of them are reversable.. If worn properly they will protect that forehead from the next booger invasion and double as a sweatband...

Stay funny and congrats on your latest reduction in mass!!!



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HEYBUTT 11/1/2011 7:42AM

    Mega WOOT! for those size 10s. Yeah booger and mullet, you can both SUCK ON THOSE SIZE TENS!!

And at least you didn't slip and fall in the booger. Or even worse, someone else slipping and falling in your booger.

AND, you have super cute dimples.

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DIVA-TO-BE 11/1/2011 12:51AM

    II'm really sorry about the booger and the haircut-will you feel better if I vote this the funniest blog EVER??? You are so funny!

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CROOKEDLETTER 10/31/2011 10:50PM

    That always, always sucks when what you want is not what ends up cut into your hair. Sending speedy hair growth fairies your way!

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BMORGANSON 10/31/2011 10:03PM

    Awww, I would have thought after the booger incident you would have had some sympathy karma coming your way but no such luck.

I'm sorry about your haircut! I hope it grows out quickly...
emoticon

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CAZANN2 10/31/2011 8:13PM

    So funny ! I'm still laughing...lol. Sorry about your hair though, at least you have lots of hats ! Congrats on getting to a size 10 emoticon

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JONICACALDWELL 10/31/2011 7:39PM

    Good thing clips don't go out of style. I'm so sorry!!!! Your blogs are the best tho!!!

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KRISTA64 10/31/2011 6:49PM

    emoticon

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CERULEANSIN516 10/31/2011 6:44PM

    I'm sorry, I'm still laughing about the booger. Lol. I think most of us have had that moment and it truly does suck. As for the femullet, it will grow back. And like you said, you have a nice hat collection. Rock it sista'.

emoticonGrats on the size 10.... emoticon emoticon



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Booby Trapping Chubberchaun Butthead (w/pics!)

Thursday, October 20, 2011

It all makes so much sense now!!!

Some of you may remember that I used to write rather frequently (and heatedly) about my constant struggle with Blobby McFlabface, the chubberchaun who hides in my rolls and attempts to expand his flab mansion with whispered suggestions of naps and designer ice creams and the like.

So you may also have noticed that I haven't written about him in quite some time.

That's because I hadn't HEARD from him in a really long time. Maybe the faintest hint of a whisper about how my couch is really comfortable and sitting empty and alone while I'm at the gym, but never anything with much force, volume, or convincing power.



I thought perhaps with the steady collapse of his flab mansion he had moved on to greener (or flabbier) pastures (or thighs).

Now I know better.

I've lost 45lb so far, and do you know what that adds up to?
The approximate weight of the mythical chubberchaun!
Coincidence?
I think not.

"Oh yay!" I can hear you thinking.
No yay.
No yay at all.

Today I got undeniable evidence that Blobby McFlabface has, in fact, taken on physical form and is lurking around my office, car, and home and trying to booby trap me into creating enough flab-space for him to move back in!!

I got up to fill my water bottle a little bit ago. The kitchen is just down my hall and it took only a minute or two to walk there, fill my water bottle, top off my brita pitcher, and walk back to my desk.

To a pack of HoHo's front and center on said desk.



WTF?
Where did these come from?
1) Most of the producers and staff here are douche-canoes in one aspect or another and none of them would be nice enough to give me anything, except maybe a cold.
2) The few exceptions who WOULD be nice enough to give me something have all very nicely commented on my weight loss and would not be so rude as to bring me HoHo's of all things.

Time to investigate!!!

But there's NO ONE in the building. It's a ghost town up in here. Just me and the dust bunnies (and they don't have the upper body strength required to find, transport, and deposit HoHo's).

So it's official. Blobby McFlabface is wandering about and booby trapping me.
That Butthead.

Edited for "profanity," but grudgingly. There are words you don't personally like and there are words that are profane. I pride myself in knowing when I'm being profane, and in keeping it off of SP out of respect to their rules, and in being as profane as I want in an appropriate setting.
You can read the original PG version here: www.legumelegroom.blogspot.com
Or get the best of my almost profanity on a regular basis on Twitter by following me, @LuluLegume

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRYTRYAGAIN10 10/23/2011 10:36AM

    Some people need to get off my internets. I can't believe someone reported this blog for profanity. People need to grow up.

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WENDYLADY003 10/22/2011 7:37AM

    Douche-canoe is pretty much the greatest thing I've ever heard in all my life. I LOLed for real when I read that.

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SYZYGY922 10/21/2011 11:46PM

    Never mind, I just saw it. Ha!

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SYZYGY922 10/21/2011 11:45PM

    Surprise snack foods are THE WORST. What was the "profanity?" I didn't see any in your PG version. Did someone get mad about douche-canoe?:)

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HUSKERSALAD 10/21/2011 9:17PM

    I was most offended when you said you liked a Justin Beiber (or is it Bieber?) song, otherwise--we're cool. I agree, I don't see why your picture caption was a "problem," it had the visual equivalent of bleep.





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AIMEESINGS 10/21/2011 6:53PM

    emoticon Oh no!

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HUSKERSALAD 10/21/2011 3:27PM

    Did you find the culprit? Is it the lumpia bringer?

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GIRLABILLY 10/21/2011 11:47AM

    Bahahahahahahhaa.....friggin chubberchauns.

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JSPIN74 10/21/2011 10:35AM

    emoticon this is so spooky! & hysterical HAHAHAHAHA :)


emoticon

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CHEETARA79 10/21/2011 10:08AM

    Maybe Blobby is dating Little Debbie? She may have left the HoHos on your desk as a housewarming gift for Blobby since he's trying to move back into your body.

emoticon

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PARASELENIC 10/21/2011 10:03AM

    I always thought that ho hos were evil, but I had no idea that they had teamed up with the darkside! wow.

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BMORGANSON 10/21/2011 9:47AM

    OoooOoo! Creepy! It's the scariest Halloween ghost-story I've ever heard! The mysterious Ho-Hos of DOOM! Seriously though, I'd be creeped out by those things appearing out of no where! No problems not eating them either...those Ho-Hos are haunted!
emoticon

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HEYBUTT 10/21/2011 7:46AM

    I say you lure Booby within grabbing distance, get a hold of him and cram those Ho-hos right up his bum.

Right. Up. His. Bum.

(and as for who ever did leave those Ho-hos, I'd find them and feign a fit. Something along the lines of "Is THIS what you think of me? I'm a HO HO! I'm calling H.R." Oh, that would be so fun.)

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MOONMANSON 10/21/2011 6:34AM

    That son of a beetch!

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TRIXIEBLUE 10/20/2011 10:19PM

    EVILE Flab monster!

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JONICACALDWELL 10/20/2011 9:14PM

    Seriously- WOW! Ding Dongs- ugh. Freshly baked cake -maybe, but Ding Dongs, ain't worth it. Is there a work fridge yo can put them in? (I hate wasting food, some will eat it won't they?)

Great story& great job on the weight. Maybe it was a test.

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KMICHA 10/20/2011 8:50PM

    Hmmmmmm . . . . beware!

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BETTERJULIA 10/20/2011 8:29PM

    Dooody dooody dooooo dooody doooo thats my twilight zone theme. That's crazy about the ho ho's! You're doing amazingly! Keep it up!

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BETTERJULIA 10/20/2011 8:28PM

    Dooody dooody dooooo dooody doooo thats my twilight zone theme. That's crazy about the ho ho's! You're doing amazingly! Keep it up!

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CROOKEDLETTER 10/20/2011 7:59PM

    Damn the little feed-loader!

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What Is This? Jellyfish Skin? (w/pics!)

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I am, officially, back into pants that haven't fit me since early in my senior year of college. Probably about this time in 2005.

While it feels AWESOME to pull those jeans out of the "someday drawer" and realize that 'someday' is, in fact, TOday, it also comes with some pretty horrifying revelations.

Like,

Who in the hell thinks it's even remotely appropriate to wear pants that low-waisted?

What the heck is this fabric? Jellyfish skin?


Did I really think this whiskery bleach line business by my crotch was a good idea?

Who's been stashing tacky, trashy clothes in my someday drawer?

I'm looking at you, cat!


You think this is SO funny don't you?

So, unfortunately, those jeans are going straight from the 'someday' drawer into the 'for someone else' donation trash bags (which are slowly taking over the guest room).

But you know what?
It feels a lot better to have aged out of my college jeans than it did to know I grew out of them!
And also to wear jeans made of actual denim with out anything accenting my crotch or buttcrack.
Who thought that up and how did I fall for it?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRYTRYAGAIN10 10/21/2011 12:20AM

    Haha! Love this blog... hilarious. Congrats of being back in the pants though - that is always the best feeling for me. I really judge my success on how my clothes fit. Tee hee hee, still laughing about jellyfish skin...

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BEATLETOT 10/20/2011 1:35PM

    Heehee...I forgot about those things. I don't remember them from fashion magazines. I mean, I do remember "butt cleavage" being in in the early-2000s, but that's a trend I missed out on.

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TRIXIEBLUE 10/20/2011 11:31AM

    Lol! I fit into a new dress this week!AND it didn't fit too tightly so

it was a good week for us both!

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Q8PRINCESS 10/19/2011 11:56PM

    Sounds like a good idea, I'm going to clean out my old clothes and make room for brand new now in style ones!

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CHEETARA79 10/19/2011 8:54PM

    Between your jellyfish pants and a slutty blue camo flowy camisole top I have inexplicably held on to for far too long, we could make one hell of a Halloween costume.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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-CORAL- 10/19/2011 7:48PM

    Same thing happened to me! How did I ever think those zipper-side skin tight green cords with butt-crack showing were cool? Into the goodwill bag they go.

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THELILEA 10/19/2011 5:26PM

    I have totally found that the old clothes I remember as SUPER CUTE and awesome are nooot at all.


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BETTERJULIA 10/19/2011 4:24PM

    Love it! You're doing super fantastic! Yay for no more jellyfish skin pants!

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AURORA.BELLA 10/19/2011 3:34PM

    My "someday again" wardrobe is from high school and I have the same jeans. I never bought the low rise, I'm glad that trend is kind of gone, but I happen to remember I have at least 2 pair with colorful gem designs on the back pockets (that I thought were totally hot since I had lost a lot of weight to get to that size at the time) that should really look good sometime next year!

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DLEDBETTER11 10/19/2011 3:21PM

    Ha ha ha ha...Good decision! I need to go through my closet and drawers too. Ugh...you had to remind me emoticon

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PARASELENIC 10/19/2011 3:11PM

    I say keep 'em and then wear 'em on your sixtieth birthday. I'm excited to pull out all my 16 year old goth crap when I'm sixty...

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CROOKEDLETTER 10/19/2011 2:30PM

    Fabulous. Your blog made me laugh out loud and was a much needed break from hammering at a paper I'm trying to finish (ah the joys of trying to get published).



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