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80lb Loss Maintenance - YEAR THREE!!!!

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

You read that right!
Three years of maintaining (and every so gradually building upon) my 80lb weight loss and lifestyle change!!!

It's hard to believe that my dedicated readers from years past are still around, but some of you probably are. I once again feel like I should post an update for y'all, and for any new followers who may have stumbled across this.

NO NEWS IS STILL GOOD NEWS.

Since posting last September I have:
Broken my foot.
Had a bad concussion.
Sprained my knee.
Pinched a nerve in my neck, leaving me bed-ridden for nearly 3 months.
Lost some close friends.
Been singled out for severe bullying in my first roller derby league.
Dated a baking enthusiast with a love for bacon grease for several months.
Went through a very emotional break up with said enthusiast.
Went on a lot of weird dates with a lot of awkward men, nearly convincing me that spinsterdom and 14 cats might be right up my alley.
Moved back to my very favorite place, but away from ALL of my friends.
Gained some new friends.
Started work at my dream job.
Transferred to a new, higher-level derby league.
and
STAYED WITHIN THE SAME 10LB WINDOW FOR ALL OF IT, until recently, when I very unexpectedly started losing more weight.

That's right, make ups, break ups, bacon grease, injuries that left me nearly incapable of moving, brain damage... A lot has happened, and NONE of it had a major effect on my weight.

How can this be possible for the girl who just a few short years ago would have used any one of these as a perfectly acceptable excuse to eat all of the things and gain all of the weight, let alone all of them in just over a year?
You've got to be tired of hearing it, but, LIFESTYLE CHANGE!!

Although, personally, I think it's more than that.
Really, it's a HEAD change.
I had to make a dedicated effort to learn to like and then to love myself.
Being fat was just one of many easy outs for me. It was a focus. It was a crutch. It was a weird combination of obsessions. It was a drug.

"I'll feel so much better about myself when I'm 20lb thinner."
"I'll feel beautiful when I can fit into that size negative 47 dress."
"People would like me more if I were thin and pretty."

NONE of that is really true, if you reallllllly think about it.

Do I feel better about myself thinner? Of COURSE, but not BECAUSE I am thinner. It's the opposite; I am thinner because I feel better about myself.

I don't give a rat's arse about what number or letter is on the tags in my clothes, and believe me, they're ALL OVER THE MAP. I have XS clothes and size 18clothes that fit me exactly the same.

Women's clothing sizes are basically arbitrary numbers and letters thrown onto things made to itch you near your ladybusiness during long commutes and important meetings, and have no place in your life.

All of that stuff: what was I going to eat or not eat, how many calories did I have left for the day, how many times do I need to work out this week, what size should my goal size be, all of that fantasizing about how life and myself would be different when I was thinner, ALL OF IT was a distraction. An OBSESSION. Whether I was gaining weight or losing it, I was obsessing.
It was an easy thing to blame for my self-loathing.
It was an easy thing to blame for my lack of social interaction.
It was an easy thing to blame for my fear of trying things.
It was an easy thing to blame for feelings of insignificance.
It was an easy thing to blame for those times I just felt awkward, or sad, or lonely.
It was an easy thing to blame.

So, what's my big secret? My new gems of advice?
It's still the same, and unfortunately it doesn't have a magic pill, suggested meal plan, workout schedule, or some super mathematical calories in and self-esteem out ratio for you to follow.

Do what makes you feel good about yourself.
Think at least twice before doing the things that don't.
Remember the difference between having an excuse and making one.
Learn from the results.

TaDa!!!

In spite of injuries, bullying, new love, heartbreak, moving, intense work schedules, and losing almost all of my free time, I am still a derby girl.
I have more friends that call me "Mangle" than by my 'real' name.
This, to me, is almost a more significant struggle than my weight loss.
It's kind of the ultimate proof of my lifestyle change.
I love derby, but it is not an easy thing for me. I am, by nature, more of a 'brain' than a 'jock'. Even more significant, I am one of those annoying people to whom most things come very easily. So, when I come across something that is difficult for me, I usually just don't do it, or quit.
With every major injury, people around me were astonished.
"Doesn't this prove that you're just too old for that?"
"Aren't you worried about getting hurt again?"
"Do you really have time for all of that with your career goals right now?"
"You do realize you'll never have time to find a boyfriend, right?"

I can't explain why, but even as close friends were hanging up their skates to be able to pay attention to similar events in their lives, quitting was never an option for me.

From November of 2013 to November of 2014, I was either hurt, or recovering from my last injury. AN ENTIRE YEAR of having to 'come back'. Over. And Over. And OVER again. Most of that while at a league where I was very aggressively bullied by a few girls in positions of power. An entire year of either being purposefully excluded, having to miss practice for work or injury, or hang with the newbies where I could regain my strength and agility. It was grueling physically, emotionally, spiritually, heck, even financially!
But there I was, every practice I could attend. Whether I wanted to cry because I could barely make it around the track 5 times without getting out of breath, or dance with joy because I regained feeling in my left foot after several months of numbness, I was there.

Last month, it all paid off. I bouted again for the first time in a whole year at a fun Thanksgiving themed tournament. It being a tournament, I skated mostly with girls I'd never met, and was coached by a coach who had never seen me skate. Within a few jams, I was in the "power wall", meaning I was one of the best blockers on my team and got tons of extra skate time. More than anyone else on my whole team!! I had never felt so good out on the track, ever. Being recognized by a coach that way after being told I was so awful by those bullies for so many months was one of the most vindicating experiences of my whole life.
One of the photographers even snapped my very favorite roller derby picture of me (so far)!!

(I'm in the green, and that skill took me a very very long time to learn!)

This weekend past, I realized in the funniest of ways that I'm in the best shape of my life.
I danced the whole night away with one of my best friends.
Sure, I've done that lots of times, but I really MEAN it this time.
We weren't just dancing, the two of us OWNED that dance floor. Our moves were as big and silly as our smiles. People would come out to join us for a song or two, and then leave. Finally one of the guys asked me if we were on drugs, and when I laughed and said no, he asked how we could POSSIBLY dance that hard for 4 straight hours then.
My answer?
"We're athletes!"

I didn't even think about it; it just came out so naturally.
"We're athletes"
As in me, girl who couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded, confidently self-identifying as an athlete, and receiving an interested but un-astonished response.
That was a thing.

And then the next morning I got to TAKE OUT the girl who was most responsible for bullying me before my transfer on the track. It might be a little petty to body-check someone 10x harder than you need to, but damn did it feel good.
She can consider herself Mangled.


I still drink too much beer.
I still eat pizza and candy and burritos with tortillas.
I do not avoid any food or foods as "bad"
I don't have a gym membership, or the time or money for them.
I almost never "workout", unless my body is just begging me to.
I definitely don't sleep enough.
I haven't looked at a nutrition fact other than to check ingredients in over a year.
I stepped on the scale for the first time in 6 months this morning, and even super bloated for my period, have somehow managed to drop 5lb below my previous low, pushing me across the 80lb loss threshold, which somehow has so much nicer of a ring to it than 75...

Lifestyle CHANGED.
Life is still good, AMAZING in fact.
No news is still good news.

I promise you I'm not anyone special, or, not any more special than anyone else.
If I can change, if ANYONE can change themselves for the good, you can.
You are the one and only thing that's really in your way.

If you want to see a before and after, there's already one on the maintenance update I posted last year. It feels silly and vain to post it in two blogs in a row!

Be well.
Love,
Mangle




  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LYNSEY723 12/21/2014 1:21PM

    Great blog!! Congrats on everything. You are an inspiration to us all. Keep up the great work and have a great year!!!

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CATHERINEMN 12/18/2014 11:28PM

    WTG Mangle! I love your blog, your writing style especially. Wishing you all the best this holiday season and in 2015!
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BUTTERFLY-1976 12/17/2014 5:02PM

    Great blog!! I've missed your blogs :)

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THELILEA 12/17/2014 12:39PM

    I love you for writing this blog!! I took some time off of SP and I missed some of your previous update blogs, so when I saw a post from you this morning I got SO EXCITED!!!!
It's ever so very impressive that you have gone through so many ups and downs, injuries and bullying, heartache and triumph, and MAINTAINED.

Maintaining is, in my estimation, just as/more tricky than the losing is. It's a different beast and it's AWESOME to see you hip check it so handily.

So happy to see you again, old friend.


Comment edited on: 12/17/2014 12:42:18 PM

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WETPTARMIGAN 12/17/2014 11:39AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon You rock!!

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ISABELLE31 12/17/2014 10:22AM

    Great post! I've missed your blogs!

Congrats on your maintenance success! emoticon

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CAKAROO 12/17/2014 5:42AM

    emoticon

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EVER-HOPEFUL 12/17/2014 4:02AM

    awesome blog love as awesome as you are.glad to see that despite everything you are keeping on keeping on.i remember when you first started to roller derby how nervous you were at the tryouts etc and look how far you have come love.totally awesome.proud of you.i am still yoyoing as usual and letting lifes ups and downs get to me.must catch more of your attitude i guess.take care and keep smiling but above all.keep on keeping on emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RAINBOWCHOC 12/17/2014 3:59AM

    Congratulations! Wonderful to read such a positive and upbeat blog.

You deserve to have an award for this one, but it seems you are creating your own reward system. Go girl!

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JANIEWWJD 12/17/2014 12:53AM

    Wow, you are a champion!!! All I can say is, "Way to go"!!!!
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KLONG8 12/17/2014 12:34AM

    Amazing journey. Rock it, girl!

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ROCKYCPA 12/16/2014 11:32PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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_CYNDY55_ 12/16/2014 11:14PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BEATLETOT 12/16/2014 11:08PM

    Soooo happy to see a blog from you. I'm not on FB near enough to keep up with anyone, so I have missed all these happenings. You are awesome and amazing, but I think you already know that!

Hugs to you!!!

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NANHBH 12/16/2014 10:46PM

    Kudos for taking life head on - and still maintaining that awesome weight loss! That's a true testament to the fact that you have made permanent lifestyle changes. How awesome is it that you are having so much fun living your life that someone thinks you have to be on drugs! Way to "get high on life!" Keep up the good work.
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JO88BAKO 12/16/2014 9:50PM

    Congrats, that's awesome. You have been through a lot and maintained. Way to go!!

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LODESTONE 12/16/2014 9:26PM

    You are amazing, and I still love your artwork! Keep doing what you are doing. It's making you happy! Hugs!

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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

Now I Smash My Friends.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

If you're a follower, and still around, oh my goodness, awesome!!!

I felt like all of you were / are owed and update and explanation. You stuck by and supported me through so much. My friends, and Sparkpeople as a whole...

IT WORKED!!!

That's why I haven't been here.

I don't need it.

My lifestyle changed, and the worst thing I could do is obsess about it.

I have kept off every pound I lost, and a few more, though I don't often bust out the scale anymore. Maybe once every other month or so, just to make sure I'm not delusional.


I did finally pass my Fresh Meat derby assessments, though I had to go through ALL of fresh meat a second time to do it, and roller derby is the highlight of my life these days. I skate 2-3 nights a week, I have this huge circle of new friends, it builds physical activity into my schedule in a way that doesn't feel like "exercise," and, most importantly, it makes me SO HAPPY.


See? Proof!
The final verdict on derby name, by the way: Charlemangle
It makes me feel tough and smart!
It used to be that I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without getting huffing and puffing. Now I smash into my friends 3 nights a week on skates and covered in sweat and love every second of it (well, maybe not that exact second when I hit the floor real hard).

I ended my relationship with my ex just shy of 10 years together. I didn't mention him much, but he was mentioned, so I feel like I should say something.
It's a big risk, when you change your life, that you will change yourself right out of several friendships, and maybe even your relationship. I saw it happen with a lot of other successful sparkers.
It makes me feel like I have to defend myself. He stayed with me all the years I was fat, and as soon as I start feeling empowered and good about myself I have the nerve to dump him?
Short answer: yes.
Hint at the long answer: weight loss was just one (admittedly major) part of really working hard to be the person I want to be. The more I changed, and the more he stayed the same, the less we had in common. He couldn't understand or appreciate me anymore. I did things that made my soul grow and grow and grow, and he kept working a soul-crushing job and just complaining about it. So, our souls changed in opposite directions, and we weren't soul-mates anymore.
We're trying hard to still be good friends.

So, you know what that means...
I'm dating again for the first time since I was 18!
It's crazy and mostly ridiculous and more fun than I expected. It's really teaching me a lot about myself!
It's also taught me that most guys really don't care about a few extra pounds, not the fun ones anyway. Particularly if you carry them in the fun places!! They're really looking for confidence and independence and sense of humor and all the same stuff we are.
So, single ladies, lighten up a little, m'kay?!

Also, if you know of any single, large, attractive, preferably bearded, viking-esque men with a quick wit, full-time job, and appreciation for good whiskey and bad puns in the Monterey Bay area who like rainbow-haired girls that like unicorns and rollerskates way too much for a woman of nearly 30, help a girl out!!!


Food is no longer a struggle!!
If you get nothing else from me, any of my blogs, or this post, know this:
I HAD A CRIPPLING PROBLEM WITH FOOD AND BINGE EATING AND NOW I DON'T.

I've been maintaining the same window of 10lb for nearly two years now, and it feels great.
Would I like to be thinner? Sure! Not many of us wouldn't.
Could I lose the last 25lb to get to my original goal of 100lb lost? Probably anytime I want!!
BUT, I don't really care. I like pizza and beer and naps and ice cream and 25 extra pounds don't feel like that big of a deal 90% of the time.
I mean, 10% of the time I'm pretty convinced I'm just as big as I was when I started, that I'm giant and fat and gross, that nothing looks good on me and never will.... Hey man, that's progress. I'm down to 10%!! And I'm confident that that percentage will continue to get smaller.
I hope it never gets to zero... I'm pretty sure that makes me a sociopath... or at least a narcissist.


So what's the secret?
What's the take-away?
What can those who have been struggling so hard who come across this and look for inspiration or guidance or ideas or at least commiseration find here that makes it worth reading?

I wish I could answer that.
The secret for me was common sense. You know what you should and should not be putting in your body and in what quantities. You know which choices make you happy, make you feel good about yourself as a person, and which don't. You know you need to exercise, and probably even have a pretty good idea of what kinds and how much of it make you feel good, without feeling like you're over or under-doing it. You know you need to sleep. You know that food doesn't really solve anything but actual hunger and lack of nutrients.
I made a decision that I was done with disliking myself, so I tried to make each decision with that in mind.
I still do!
I'm just not focused on food anymore.

I bought a Snickers bar (my favorite easy to find candy) from some kids raising money for their soccer team and I forgot that sucker in my purse for 3 weeks.
I THREW AWAY left over pizza (my kryptonite) from my favorite establishment because IT SAT IN MY FRIDGE TOO LONG.
A pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream lasted me a whole week, and 4 sittings.
I went to derby practice 3 nights this week, and swam on 3 lunch breaks, and don't feel like I exercised once.
AND NONE OF THIS WAS A STRUGGLE, even a little bit.


I still don't drink enough water.
I still drink too much diet soda and beer.
I still eat too many carbs and sugar and cheese.
I rarely sleep enough.
I let my swims turn into power napping in the sun on nice days.

I also got wolf-whistled TWICE today on my lunch; and I'm really not that thin.
I got told that I am "ripped" by a strange man last week, as a compliment, and loved it.

Most importantly: I'm so happy.
I'm so comfortable with who I am, and even the things about myself that I'm still working toward changing. My weight, what I eat, and how much I exercise are really not a focus anymore.
REALLY.

There's hope.
Lives and lifestyles change!!

And, because I know everyone loves a before and after:



Oh, and I have rainbow hair and my dream job!!
Life is good.
No news is good news.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NDKARIKARI 12/17/2014 6:14AM

    This is an emoticon and inspiring post! Struggling through some injuries now, and feeling sorry for myself. Thank you for showing us that we can come back, even from those!

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GODDESSELLIE07 8/27/2014 5:51PM

    I'm finally coming back to spark after a long time away (gotta finally get rid of the baby weight)... and I am SO, SO, SO happy to see this blog. I hope you are still just as happy in life!

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GOALSR10 1/21/2014 11:15PM

  Thank you for sharing your story so eloquently. I have just begun my journey, but I'm ready and inspired by people like you. My goal is to lose 85 lbs. So far I've lost 3, but I'm on my way. :)

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CARLYG8 12/3/2013 7:11PM

    I had just asked someone about you the other day from the Starfish team. I am so happy to hear that you are well and happy! It is a blessing to have them both. Keep on keepin' on! ~hugs~ Carly

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NASFKAB 11/23/2013 10:59AM

  AWESOME

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GRAMPIAN 11/20/2013 6:15AM

  Well done. emoticon

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CHRIAMARIA1983 11/3/2013 10:00PM

    One of the most encouraging blogs that I have read in awhile!

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BEEAUTIFULDAY 10/28/2013 1:35PM

  Great post. Great story. Reminds me of that movie ~ you know the one ;)

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BECKY3126 10/17/2013 4:40PM

    This made me so happy :)
I had seriously missed reading your blogs, but to hear that it is because you are just so busy out there living and that you have reached such a great place in your life....well, that is all we can hope that comes out of this experience on SP. Congrats to you and I wish you all the best and hope that dating remains fun (wink, wink) and that you have fun smashing all your friends!

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MISSLISA1973 10/14/2013 8:39PM

    Thanks for sharing your awesome story!

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NANHBH 10/13/2013 8:27AM

    This blog just makes me smile. You are ROCKIN' it, Sister! Let your soul soar.
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EFFRAYECHILDE 10/10/2013 5:53PM

    emoticon

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WHITEANGEL4 10/8/2013 11:42PM

    Sounds like you are doing something right. You have a satisfying life and are happy with yourself. That is a big plus for most people

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GEORGE815 10/5/2013 10:49AM

    Way to get to maintain. Congrats!

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OFFICECHIK 10/4/2013 9:34AM

    emoticon

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_JULEE_ 10/3/2013 11:55PM

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GOOSIEMOON 10/2/2013 2:48PM

    I missed your posts (and delightful pictures), but am so glad to see that you are happy and healthy and thriving!

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SHARBEAR100 10/1/2013 7:53PM

    So wonderful you're happy and doing well!! We were lucky to have you here for the time we had. Your blogs are always enjoyable and I'll miss you.
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-CORAL- 10/1/2013 7:48PM

    Oh my gosh, reading this made me SO happy for you. So many times, people leave SP and come back a year later talking about how they gained back all the weight or half of it, how they felt embarrased to admit they failed, etc. I am so excited that you made it onto the derby team and have a fun, happy life. And what you said about pizza and beer and an extra 25 lbs... hey that's me too. I feel like I have to apologize or justify it all the time, but my husband loves my big girly parts and we have so much fun together, and isn't that what life is all about? Congratulations a million times for turning your life around. This really seriously brought tears to my eyes.

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JRRING 10/1/2013 5:22PM

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IMAGINE46 10/1/2013 12:34PM

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LKS2GAB2 9/30/2013 10:05PM

    Good for you for finding your way. Keep it up, have fun and kick ass!

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DENNETJ 9/30/2013 9:45PM

    I didn' t realize you lived in the Monterey area. I used to live there. Awesome place! I'm glad to hear you are doing well. I hear you on the soul growing away from someone. I finally had the piece of mind to step up and say goodbye to my spouse of 14 years. It wasn't working for me anymore. You know what I'm the happiest and healthiest I've been in a long time. I'm still a big girl with a long way to go but now I have people who want to be with me. Dating is a whole new world that is for sure. Best of luck to you!

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JRRING 9/30/2013 2:00PM

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IGSBETH 9/30/2013 11:13AM

    Good for you! So happy for you!

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LDRICHEL 9/30/2013 10:14AM

    This is one of the best things I've ever read on Spark! LOVE this blog! What team to you play for? My sister is Asian Sinsation from Naptown Roller Girls and I have done a lot of writing and bout recaps for Bleeding Heartland Roller Girls in Bloomington, IN. We, no doubt, would know some of the same people!

So proud of you. What a great post to illustrate "Roller derby saved my soul". :)

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CUDDLYPOLARBEAR 9/30/2013 7:15AM

    Great post

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RUNNINGYOGINIRE 9/29/2013 10:03PM

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ALIDOSHA 9/29/2013 5:59PM

    emoticon

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FUNZ81 9/29/2013 2:01PM

    Awesome blog! You have given me courage to continue the weight-loss trek I am on. Thank you

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VALKYRIA- 9/29/2013 12:42PM

    I don't think you owe an explanation about the ex.... people can not work out for lots of reasons. No one should judge you for your decision to be a happier person! Congratulations~

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ILOVEMALI 9/29/2013 12:24PM

    This makes me so happy. Your voice is so fierce! Happy ever after to you, Pal! I now know that I can do it, too!!!

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_CYNDY55_ 9/29/2013 12:46AM

    MARVELOUS emoticon Blog!!
emoticonTHE emoticon Wishes emoticon And Did emoticon
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GRATEFUL_BEING 9/29/2013 12:28AM

  Yay! Well done! Congrats on all your hard work.

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TEDYBEAR2838 9/28/2013 10:20PM

    Great story! YOU LOOK emoticon

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LIVINHEALTHY9 9/28/2013 10:00PM

    From reading your blog, it sounds like you are in a happy and healthy place and enjoying life.

Good for you!

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AJB121299 9/28/2013 8:46PM

    nice

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JERICHO1991 9/28/2013 8:26PM

    great!

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NAN111 9/28/2013 8:12PM

    AWESOME!!!!

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RENATA144 9/28/2013 7:47PM

  What an emoticon transformation !!! You are an Inspiration !!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BIKERBABE76 9/28/2013 7:05PM

    Awesome! You look great! It's really encouraging to read your blog. I have lost my first ten pounds and your story makes me nt to keep going... emoticon

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MSROZZIE 9/28/2013 6:46PM

    What a wonderful, uplifting blog! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JACKIE542 9/28/2013 5:56PM

    emoticon

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FIRECOM 9/28/2013 5:20PM

    Your writing skills are superior and very enjoyable.

Thanks for a great blog.

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RICKISMOM1 9/28/2013 3:40PM

    To "effect 25" : You write:
" I just wanted to know that a binge eater can become a normal (!) eater and a "naturally" thin person. "
I'll have you know that a LOT of thin people monitor themselves. Some women can maintain without continuing to track what they eat--- but many still have to continue to a certain extent. Also, taking care of the underlying psychology that caused binge eating is pretty essential.



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MOMMY445 9/28/2013 3:10PM

    the roller derby sounds like so much fun! love the hair!

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KKLENNERT809 9/28/2013 12:46PM

    Wow, I really enjoyed reading your blog! You are awesome and a great example for us all.

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TORNADOTAMER 9/28/2013 12:05PM

    The tear of happiness I shed for you will water my my newly planted seed of health! Thanks for sharing

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JOANNHUNT 9/28/2013 11:46AM

    AWESOME LADY JUST AWESOME. YOU GO GIRL. MY 10 YEAR OLD GRANDDAUGHTER LOVES ROLLER DERBY. HER ROLLER DERBY NAME IS KAMAKAZI 2003. THEY HAVE A NO CONTACT GROUP FOR AGES 9 TO 18 YEARS NOW AND SHE LOVES IT. SHE HAS GOTTEN A FEW CLASSMATES TO JOIN.
KEEP DERBYING.

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RUNNINGYOGINIRE 9/28/2013 10:10AM

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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

Be Somewhere Else, Do Something Different (w/pics!)

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

This morning, in a fit of pout, I bought a baggie of cheddar chex mix snack stuff.

I was invited to go to turtle racing at the local bar that supports my roller derby league with some of the other skaters last night, and was really excited about it, but skipped it because I had to get up really early this morning for a meeting.

Or so I thought.

AFTER getting up really early, and driving 30 miles to the meeting location, and standing in line for an eternity for my monthly Starbucks treat, and sitting in my car for 15 minutes waiting for my coworkers, I started to think...



Is today even the right day for this meeting?
Did I just get up 2 hours early and go through all this hassle and use up that much gas on the wrong day?

Yep.
I most certainly did.

So, after some creative swearing in my car, I had no choice but to turn right around and hurry back to the office.

I was SO ANNOYED with myself.
I was having at least a class 4 pout, and in a moment of pouty weakness, I pulled off at the 7/11 on the way to the office for a giant diet coke and some kind of salty snack.

I walked past the snacks and resisted; I don't need it, it wont even taste good, it's not something that will help me toward my goals.
I went back and picked one up (because with the morning I've had I deserve it!), only to immediately put it back on the shelf, because I know better.
I got in line for my fountain drink.
I went back and picked up the bag again with an eff it attitude.
I can make up for it later. I'm skating for 2 hours tonight, I can have a light lunch, a light dinner, a lighter food day with extra exercise tomorrow.

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

How many times have I been here before?
How does that quote go about insanity being doing the same thing and expecting different results?



Well I might be crazy, but I'm not stupid.
That bag of chex mix will not make me less tired, or give me back those couple hours of sleep, or put gas back in my tank, or make me feel less dumb for mixing up my weeks.
It will just make me feel sad, and gross, and disappointed in myself.

Just because I bought it doesn't mean I have to eat it!
I buy things that I don't eat or use all the time. I don't mean to, but it happens.

I'm going to get up from the computer right this second, and go give it away.

HA! Ran into a cool producer right outside my office from the weekly creature feature show who could not have been more excited to be gifted a bag of chex mix.

Now not only do I NOT feel super crummy about myself for eating something I don't even really want, I feel GOOD about making someone else happy.

I might be slow, but I'm learning, and I'm changing.
I've been there, and I've done that. LOTS of times.

Today I decided to be somewhere else, and do something different.







PS.
If you want to share this or any of my blogs outside of sparkpeople, I'm honored! But, please do it from my blogger page. I put some fairly personal things here on my sparkpage, and it's a little weird to think of non-sparkers reading it, but this has just the funny stuff!
www.legumelegroom.blogspot.com

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOANNHUNT 2/23/2013 7:27PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SUTERSPACE 1/29/2013 10:49AM

    I have things still sitting in my glove box that I bought because I wanted to and then decided I couldn't afford to eat them but they are there, 'just in case'. I guess it is time to go find a worthy recipient, LOL. Thanks.

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MISSFORTE 10/31/2012 7:34AM

    Amazing! When I buy things out of frustration I can't say I "give it up" you are great!

Hope you are doing well these days!

Happy Halloween to you!

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CHUM48 9/19/2012 10:29AM

    If you are not a writer you are missing your calling!

Great victory with the chex, double blessing I would call it!

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SPSPSP1 8/31/2012 2:40PM

    Well done!

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AROCHFORD 7/11/2012 6:37PM

    Love it that you gave it away! I still love to snack but it's getting smaller and smaller.

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MISSLISA1973 7/7/2012 10:37AM

    emoticon

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CLEO27 7/5/2012 10:58AM

  That's awesome. I gave away a bag of chips after having a few to try. No need to eat the whole bag.

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MARYJEANSL 6/30/2012 10:25AM

  I really enjoy your funny blogs. Thanks!

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EEJAAY01 6/28/2012 7:51AM

  i really love your blogs, and the little drawings. they make me smile, appreciate and feel inspired. thanks you from across the water.

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MNTWINSGAL 6/27/2012 4:50PM

    Love your blogs. You might have saved me from making a dumb choice today. :)

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EMILYDOODLE 6/27/2012 2:54PM

  awesome!

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LALISJO 6/26/2012 4:40PM

    Oh my goodness! What a great blog! Definitely put a smile on my face. Congrats on you will power and on your awesome blog! emoticon

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ELIELECTRIC 6/26/2012 12:46PM

    how awesome! your will power is great! emoticon

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CHANGE_4_ME 6/26/2012 11:15AM

    emoticon

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SUZAN137 6/25/2012 6:26PM

  So cute! Great blog.

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ANIMAL_L0VER 6/25/2012 1:31PM

    emoticon

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MOMASAURUS 6/25/2012 1:28PM

    Great blog!!

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LALALEELOU1354 6/25/2012 10:29AM

    emoticon That is fantastic! I love your creativity.

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SMILES650 6/25/2012 10:22AM

  You go girl, thanks for being so upfront and honest.......really exciting to read real people stories...... emoticon

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DWILLIAMB 6/24/2012 9:18AM

    GReat blog emoticon

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JFIZZL 6/24/2012 6:50AM

    I love your drawings and sense of humor! :) Your will-power is inspiring!

Thanks for sharing,
-Jackie

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BONIFIANT 6/23/2012 7:09PM

    Very creatively said and illustrated. Thanks for your frankness and making your point so well.

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KIMMYLOU4 6/23/2012 7:03PM

    emoticon

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1MATHTEACH 6/23/2012 5:31PM

    LOVE the "creative swearing"

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LEUCOSIIA 6/23/2012 2:21PM

  Can I borrow that doodle-headed hampster waffle? I'm still giggling at that!!

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VXWALL1942 6/23/2012 12:26PM

    LOL - I could swear you sneaked along on my last fiasco of a meeting. It included the Starbucks and the post-non-meeting stop at the 7-Eleven too. Wish I could say I had your will power. What a grand example. Congrats!

vicki

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DIANA3 6/23/2012 11:09AM

  What an excellent story and the pics are wonderful. Such a talent!!

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MAMA2EEEE 6/23/2012 11:05AM

  Wow, what willpower! I've managed to walk away from stuff in the store, but never, never have I managed to get rid of it once it is in my house (or my car, for that matter). Thanks for the inspiration!

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BANDMOM2012 6/23/2012 9:48AM

    I love it! Reward yourself in some non-food way for being a super cool chick today! Go get yourself a bad-a$$ roller derby shirt!

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DOTSLADY 6/23/2012 9:04AM

    Cutie patootie - you did it again! WTG gf! Woot for yourself and dance in the leftovers!

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RAINBOWMF 6/23/2012 8:01AM

    Self talk! One of the best things we can do for ourselves.
Thank for sharing.

Excellent blog.

Mary

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DEBK0923 6/23/2012 2:07AM

    great job on the blog

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AMANDAETR 6/22/2012 10:30PM

    emoticon

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IACTA_ALEA_EST 6/22/2012 10:00PM

    Yay you!

You've got brakes and you know how to steer out of a slide!
thanks for the good reminder
Allie B.

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CURVYELVIESAYS 6/22/2012 9:50PM

    Love the pics! You are doing emoticon

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SONYALATRECE 6/22/2012 9:12PM

    Excellent choices/actions!

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JEWITCH 6/22/2012 8:51PM

    emoticon You should be very proud of yourself.

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FLUTTER-BY)L( 6/22/2012 7:43PM

    Way to go. glad I am not the only one.

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TPETRIE 6/22/2012 6:51PM

  You should be really proud of yourself. It's amazing how happy we can make people with a little gift. Not only re they happy , but so are you. You made someone's day. Congrats on a great choice.

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AMOREMOREE 6/22/2012 6:30PM

    Most of the time I have to pick up bits of food my little girls through around, feeling guilty to throw away all that food, then feel guilty I ate it.
I wish I would also not eat it because it is there & no one else will. I will remember you next time. Thanks

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BLNBIKERIN1 6/22/2012 4:32PM

  Thanks for making me feel less guilty: just gave in to an entire oz of potato chips for dessert after lunch...
But just like you: I still have my Martial Arts workout ahead of me, and I can't just not go, because we have a special event today.

P.S. Liked your creative swearing!

Comment edited on: 6/22/2012 4:33:41 PM

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PMFISH 6/22/2012 4:27PM

    emoticon Be proud of yourself, because I am proud of you!!!

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ANYVAR54 6/22/2012 4:27PM

    GREAT BLOG, ALWAYS ENJOY READING YOUR STORIES, ABOUT YOUR JOURNEY.

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GAMELISSA 6/22/2012 4:23PM

  Hey, thanks for the story- - I was thinking about grabbing a piece of chocolate from my boss's office, but you resisted, and I will too!



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LEB0401 6/22/2012 4:00PM

    Hey!... So today a coworker surprised me with a huge coconut maccaroon from the bakery across the street. It was a super nice gesture, but this thing was the size of a softball and greasy with butter. Plus I already budgeted out my calories for the day. After I read this, I slipped it on the desk of the guy down the hall and made his day. Thanks, you inspired me :)

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MRS_EVA_K 6/22/2012 2:45PM

    It was what you made it Lulu. I'm proud of you for saying no to that bag of mess and yes to someone's smile at an unexpected "gift".

emoticon

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BEAUTIFUL_REINA 6/22/2012 2:32PM

    Wow, this really inspired me. From now on I am going to do my best to adopt your attitude of "just because I bought it I don't have to eat it". That's great. Thats a breakthrough for me!
emoticon

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KATIEM929 6/22/2012 12:37PM

    That's great! What a way to turn around a crummy situation. Thanks for sharing.
emoticon

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MELLYBEANS0919 6/22/2012 12:17PM

    emoticon

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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

Several Weeks After "Someday" (w/pics!)

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

Yesterday I binged and ate a WHOLE THING of Chips Ahoy chewy gooey chocfudge cookies.
In one sitting.
In maybe 20 minutes.
I'm not even sure why.

No, you know what, that's not true. I have a pretty good idea why, but it doesn't seem like a legitimate reason, so I try to brush it off and say I don't know why.
In fact, it sounds crazy.

I binged because I'm becoming exactly who I want to be, and it's scary, and it doesn't "fix" anything.

About 85-95% of the time I feel fantastic about myself. I've put in all this work and I feel good and I usually feel like I look good and I'm putting in the effort to be and become who I want to be. It's great!

But then sometimes, for no obvious reason, out of seemingly noplace, I have doubts.
I feel depressed.
I get overwhelmed.
I feel fat and unwanted and unloved and unlovable, even when I KNOW those things aren't true.
I still feel them.

So, the good news is I'm probably not a narcissist or a sociopath.



The bad news is that I will always have at least a little bit of self-doubt, and will probably always have this impulse to soothe that self-doubt with food.

The most important news is that I'm finally learning that that is okay. No one, including me, is ever going to be perfect even most of the time. I have weak spots, and one of those weak spots is my love of chocolate chip cookies.

That is totally okay.
In fact, I'm pretty lucky.
My weak spot could be for crack or moonshine or collecting too many stray cats.

All things considered, cookies aren't so bad.

It's okay to be scared.
Really, being scared of becoming exactly who I want to be is a pretty neat thing to have to be scared OF.

It wasn't scary when it was a far off daydream to be a fit and independent person who was out of the house doing things instead of watching other people do them on tv.
It wasn't scary to lay on that couch in my too-small sweat pants and tell myself that tomorrow I would start. Monday I would begin. Next week would be the first day of that life. Of becoming that person. Someday. On some particular start date in the future I would finally get to doing what I knew I needed to do so I could start pulling those too-small jeans out of the "someday drawer."

There aren't any more things in my "someday drawer."
It's completely empty.
It's been empty for WEEKS.
After years and years of stuffing it fuller and fuller of jeans that I once loved but could no longer stuff myself into, after years of it getting so full that it started to overflow into the drawer above it, there is absolutely nothing in that drawer.
Most of the jeans from that drawer are too big for me now.

I can't bring myself to put anything in that drawer.
It's pretty silly, a whole big drawer I could use to store SOMEthing, sitting empty.
But I don't want to put anything in there. I like knowing it's empty.
I like knowing that I'm living several weeks out from "someday."

I just didn't really prepare myself for the day several weeks after someday. It was always someday I will get my act together and I will become this person. I didn't really plan for what it would be like to actually BE that person. "That" person in those daydreams wasn't really me, it wasn't really even a person, it was just a daydream.

I am a totally different story.
I'm not active because it sounds so so dreamy and "right" to be active; I'm active because I'm out doing things I love! I'm playing disc golf every weekend and learning to play roller derby. I go to Zuma and now love to dance to the pop music I used to scoff at so smugly. I did a triathlon, and I won!! Okay, so I didn't win as far as anyone else participating in the race was concerned, but by my standards I won.

I don't do these things because I have to or am supposed to or because I should, I do these things because I WANT to, because I enjoy them.

That person in those daydreams lived on rabbit food and didn't even want any of the good stuff anymore. I love the good stuff. I drink beer and eat pizza and chocolate and sometimes even cookies. I don't want to give up my love of food, even occasional junk food.

So I don't really want to be that person from those daydreams.
Those daydreams are outdated. "That" girl can go ahead and join the princess and the mermaid and the vampire hunter as fond memories of something that I thought I wanted to be so badly.


Yesterday I binged and ate a whole thing of Chips Ahoy chewy gooey chocfudge cookies.
But you know what else I did yesterday?
I made myself snap out of it. I put on some good motivational music and yelled along and put on my work out clothes and went to the gym and worked hard and felt great about it.
I put that binge behind me and I moved on and had a great evening.

Yesterday I binged and ate a whole thing of Chips Ahoy chewy gooey chocfudge cookies.

Today that doesn't matter.
Today I got up and put on a cute outfit that makes me feel good about myself.
Tonight I will go to roller derby practice and work hard and have a fantastic time.

The only someday I'm worrying about now is the end of July when I get to take the skills assessment, hopefully pass, and officially pick out my derby name.
I'm currently leaning toward "The Rad Hatter."

Yesterday I binged and ate a whole thing of Chips Ahoy chewy gooey chocfudge cookies.

Today I wont.






PS.
If you want to share this or any of my blogs outside of sparkpeople, I'm honored! But, please do it from my blogger page. I put some fairly personal things here on my sparkpage, and it's a little weird to think of non-sparkers reading it, but this has just the funny stuff!
www.legumelegroom.blogspot.com

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ONEKIDSMOM 7/12/2014 7:59AM

    I tripped over your blog after seeing you as today's featured motivator! Spark is such a HUGE place, and sometimes you don't find the kindred spirits for a while. Anyway, I wanted to add my "thanks" for a great depiction of what happens when we GET there!

I've sat in those shoes a few times, but being a slow learner... I had to re-lose the weight (after it didn't fix life) three or four times. Now in my fourth year of maintenance, I think I MAY have found out that it's OK that it didn't fix life. It made me stop blaming life's problems on weight and food! And it has made life so much better.

Good wishes for continued success at living as YOU! emoticon

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LADYJAJA 7/31/2013 7:14PM

  Excellent blog post! Hope you made the team (love the name you picked!). Don't stop writing, you're so good at it! emoticon

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CJYOUCANDOIT 5/10/2013 11:15AM

    Love the empty drawer. With me it is a shelf in my closet. It is full of pants I cannot fit into. I am planning on an empty shelf in a year or so when they are gone because they are too big! Congratulations on your accomplishments and thank you for sharing your journey. You are an inspiration!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MITCHARVEY 11/13/2012 9:10AM

    I am reading this blog after i had a similar night. It is always great to hear how other deal with minor set backs. emoticon

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WILDFLOWERMA 10/26/2012 12:20PM

    I think we can all relate to what you've said here -especially when it comes to the "someday" drawer. My someday clothes are in a storage bin in the attic, but I wonder if it's really helpful to keep them. Congrats on your amazing progress :)

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GOOSIEMOON 10/26/2012 9:10AM

    I know the feeling! emoticon

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MISSLISA1973 9/5/2012 11:31PM

    AWESOME blog!

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SPSPSP1 9/3/2012 3:53AM

    Good for you!

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CHARTHESTAR 7/12/2012 8:59PM

    love the empty drawer! It doesn't seem silly to me. i have a big suitcase that I am going to see empty someday.
When- you no longer need the empty you will fill it with perfect fit items. Maybe for a once in a life-time vacation that you have totally earned by taking all the baggage off of your body and mind and celebrate the improved you- that you keep fit and healthy now.
That sounds like a good goal for me to work towards to.
Now.... where should I go? Hawaii? Norway? Can't really plan that- I will change and evolve and the new places that I go might reflect that.

Where would you want to go? Maybe the place where chocolate chip cookies were first made? or manufactured?

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SYZYGY922 7/9/2012 4:54PM

    I still have occasional binges, too, for the same set of reasons. I guess we just have to remain honest with ourselves and continue to tell ourselves that we're worth taking care of!

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JANWHOSOEVER 7/8/2012 3:42PM

    Thanks for the blog. I binge once in awhile too. Good reminder to just pick yourself up and keep going rather than beat yourself up over it.
BTY -I love the name "Rad Hatter" Good luck with the roller derby!

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LOVELY1INRED 6/24/2012 1:27AM

  This is EXACTLY why my mother stopped going to Weight Watchers after she lost her pregnancy weight....and then promptly put on twice as much. It scared her to be successful after so many years of being told she wasn't good enough, and she sabotaged herself. Kudos for your self-awareness and jumping back on the bandwagon!

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SLUDERCATS 6/22/2012 2:55PM

    Thank you for being so transparent and sharing something so personal that speaks to others like myself!

Gayle

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MYNAMEISSMILE 6/21/2012 5:19PM

    Love it! Today I had maybe 12-15 cookies, but then I just went for a 5 mile run, and I don't feel bad about it. The run was just to relax and let my mind wander, but running serves so many purposes in my life, and I love it. And cookies. I love cookies :)

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NANHBH 6/21/2012 4:59PM

    I can so relate to this. Thanks for sharing this with humor!
emoticon

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SSORENSEN1 6/21/2012 10:06AM

    I love cookies and brownies too! We won't be successful if we give up our loves so I have learned to plan for them. So good to hear about the someday jeans fitting and that you aren't beating yourself up over cookies....like you said it could be much worse! Keep on sparking!

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TIGERESTJEN 6/20/2012 4:44PM

    I loved this blog. It made me think that we can all do it. I especially loved that your someday clothes are all gone. Great work and great motivation. THNAK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for sharing your story emoticon emoticon

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AMIV07 6/18/2012 6:19PM

  emoticon

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WHITEANGEL4 6/18/2012 1:58AM

    You will become a member of the team. You have what it takes to win. Loved the blog and all is well emoticon

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SANDIK9806 6/14/2012 9:59PM

    Yep! You really nailed it!! Thanks for reading my mind!

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TERESANAVARRO 6/14/2012 8:28PM

    I love this blog! Thank you for putting these feelings into words. And thank you for giving yourself permission to eat cookies from time to time. I feel like I can give myself permission to do that too.


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CHEETOMATH 6/13/2012 11:32PM

    Great blog! I too have a weakness for cookies: chewy chocolate chip! Good for you for getting back to it the next day! That's what we gotta do, not dwell on it. It happened and now it is over!

Thanks for sharing! You are not alone! emoticon

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SMILESHINE81 6/13/2012 1:24PM

    What a great blog! Thanks for sharing it, and the reminder that each day is a new day.

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NHEMBERGER 6/13/2012 12:07PM

    You go Rad Hatter! Great Blog! emoticon

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BRANDI.FEY 6/12/2012 5:52PM

    Great post! And great attitude!

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CINDERSJR 6/12/2012 5:25PM

  I say "Ditto!" So much of what you say makes so much sense! I also have a "someday" drawer that I've emptied, how ever I'm filling mine up with "today" stuff. LOL. Thanks for sharing! emoticon emoticon

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LAINYC 6/12/2012 3:17PM

    emoticon

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EGMFROMGA 6/12/2012 2:09PM

    I loved your blog I do see me there and my someday drawer is a bin full of clothes just waiting for me to lose the weight to fit in them. One day it to will be empty just like your drawer. emoticon

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LMCGLOT 6/12/2012 11:18AM

    WOW!!! Love your analogies!! I can so relate! GO YOU!!

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RAEHIPPYCHICK 6/11/2012 4:04PM

    This struck such a chord with me (I ate far too many home-cooked hotdogs on Sunday!) and I adore the illustrations :-)

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MOLLIEMAE50 6/11/2012 3:15PM

  I can relate to much of what you say. I am reading this at a time when I am feeling afraid to become as you so aptly put that "someday" girl. Thanks for sharing. emoticon

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LMJ2874 6/11/2012 11:29AM

  Sounds like you are a strong and amazing woman! I understand 100% what you were writing about. Helped put things into perspective. Thank you for sharing such a personal battle.

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TRAVELISMYGAME 6/11/2012 8:31AM

    Thanks so much for sharing this! I see so much of myself in some of your comments!

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AUSSIEFLOSS 6/10/2012 6:56PM

    Yep. sounds like me...but my someday 'drawer' still has stuff in it. I think I'm doing great, or horrible in my healthy habits, then proceed to stuff myself, being fearful of my feelings, either good or bad. Your Blog rocks!

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APPLEGREENGIRL 6/10/2012 6:26PM

  LOVE the fact that your "someday" drawer is still empty!!

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STINASTEW 6/10/2012 11:49AM

    Btw, the pics were hilarious too :P

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STINASTEW 6/10/2012 11:48AM

    LOVED this blog! I love that you owned your overeating, but then got up from it. That you didn't let it get you down & admitted that it's scary, but that it's okay. Thank you for sharing things a lot of us feel but sometimes can't admit. Good luck to you! :)

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FLPALM 6/10/2012 11:01AM

    Love the "PICTURES" makes it a GREAT BLOG!

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SUNSETSEEKER 6/10/2012 8:27AM

  Thanks for the encouragement, great writings, cute drawings, you are awesome. SOMEDAY I hope to have an empty closet too! (My stuff is in the extra closet!)

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STIFLEDSARCASM 6/10/2012 2:32AM

    I can't wait for that feeling of someday being today. It even sounds ludicrous in my mind, but this blog has got me craving the feeling. Thank you and also congratulations being the person you set out to be and enjoying it as well.

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FLUTTER-BY)L( 6/10/2012 1:04AM

    Thanks for the reminder. I sometimes think it is harder to go down in sizes than it was to go up. I am working on an attitude adjustment.

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FLUTTER-BY)L( 6/10/2012 1:00AM

    Thanks for the reminder. I sometimes think it is harder to go down in sizes than it was to go up. I am working on an attitude adjustment.

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SHEL_V2 6/9/2012 11:53PM

    Great read (except I need to listen to Manah-manah until I can no longer picture your cookies). I think with your artistic talent you could build an awesome diorama of a derby match in your "someday" drawer!

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TRIPLEL1977 6/9/2012 9:02PM

    Thanks I needed this.

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CARDAMOMMA 6/9/2012 6:16PM

    Huh, I guess I haven't realized that there will be a day several weeks after someday. Interesting to know that it might like it looks an awful lot like today, except for the empty drawer. I can't wait for the empty drawer.

Thanks for another inspiring blog post!

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GODIVADSG 6/9/2012 2:48PM

    You did anamazing job ofmoving on. Thanksfor the lesson! What a fun blog to read.

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CASTIRONLADY 6/9/2012 2:32PM

    I was listening to bunch of graduation speeches - one was "it doesn' matter how many time you fall down - if you get up one more time that you fall".

You've done it! You're up at at'em again. emoticon

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SPUD676 6/9/2012 11:43AM

    Kudo's to you!! What an inspiration! I, too, have found exercise that I looooove such as Basketball, Dance, Tennis, Swimming, Volleyball..and the list goes on and on..Exercise I have found does not have to be something you hate emoticon!! So what if you ate that many cookies at one sitting..you pulled your boot straps up and didnt feel sorry for yourself..you went and worked out and felt great about it!! Awesome!! So happy you dont have a "someday" drawer anymore as well...Awesome!! Again, Kudo's to you!! By the way, "The Rad Hatter" is a TERRIFIC Roller Derber Name!!!! emoticon

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LAURA_1982 6/9/2012 10:41AM

    This is a fantastically insightful blog. Thanks so much for sharing. It was an absolute pleasure to read... and the pics are hilarious. :)

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SUSIEGKORN 6/9/2012 10:37AM

    Great insight and a motivating post! I can relate! Thanks for putting it to words.
Here's to us!

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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

Go Pink! (w/pics)

Thursday, May 24, 2012

I did it!!!
On Sunday morning my alarm went off at a time I generally associate with the most raucous of my drunken evenings, I rolled excitedly out of bed, and put on the ugliest thing I've ever owned.

Or at least bought for myself to wear. I was a child of the 80's and 90's and I'm sure there were uglier things, but there were also adults to blame them on.

My partially floral one-piece triathlon suit was allllll me.
You know you're jealous.



I had a light breakfast, checked that I had everything I needed for the 47th time, and drove off into the darkness surprisingly calm. During the hour long drive to my race destination the edges of the sky began to lighten, and just as I pulled up to the water of the reservoir the sun broke over the surrounding hills.
I knew it was going to be a great morning!!!

I felt pretty out of place with my bookbag full of gear and my street bike with the nifty thing on the back for carrying stuff, but everyone was smiling and positive and looked just as sleepy eyed and almost as confused as I felt.

I found a place for my bike on what I thought was a rack near the back, spread all of my goodies out on my towel, and commenced the excellent people watching of pre-race rituals.


I got over-excited and put on my wetsuit about half an hour too soon, and then took it half way off because I felt silly and it touched my throat, and then pulled it back on only 20 minutes too early, and then felt tired of standing around and marched down to the water.
Well gingerly picked my way over all the rocks and twigs and things to the edge of the water, made some general "ewww" faces at the squoogey mud at the edge of the water getting between my toes, and then some really happy faces as I realized the water was a balmy 71 degrees.
Ahhhhhh.

The racers were divided by age and gender into different start "waves," and the waves were distinguished by different colored caps. I sort of clumped together with my fellow bright pink cap wearers (my current favorite color, which I took as a further sign that everything was going to be awesome). And was relieved to find out that everyone else seemed just as confused and nervous and excited and unsure of themselves as I did.

And then time magically sped up and slowed down all at once.
It was time to swim, so I swam!
Swimming was the only part of all of this that I have any previous experience with, so I was able to settle into a comfortable pace right away. I stuck to the outside edge of the pack, and looked up to get my bearings every 5-6 strokes or so.
Some super fast people from the waves behind me passed, and I passed some slower swimmers from my packs and others. All the different colors of swim caps were mixed together in no time, and I just stopped worrying about it and kept swimming.
Just as I turned the corner around the buoy I was guestimating as half way through my 0.75 mile swim, I caught sight of the finish!!
I couldn't believe it!!!

I climbed up the slippery boat ramp to the transition area surrounded by smiling strangers shouting encouragement. It was a little overwhelming, and I couldn't pick out my personal "cheering section" of dad and boyfriend from the crowd, but it was encouraging and made me smile in return.

I hurried over to my little transition spot and was able to get ready for the bike ride with a lot less stress than I'd expected. Just peel off the wetsuit, wipe off a little with my shammy, throw on the tank top I brought to cover the hideous tri suit and hold my number, sit down shamelessly to put on socks and shoes (just 'cause other people around me can do all this standing up in 3 seconds doesn't mean I should tip over and hurt myself trying), shoved on my helmet and sunglasses, and I was off!!
Kind of.
You can't get on your bike in the transition area, and the little "mounting" line was pretty crowded with people trying to hurry out onto the bike course, but it all sorted itself out pretty quickly and THEN I was off!!

I was literally one of 2 people out of the 700 participants on a street bike (with big fat tires and handle bars that have you sitting almost straight up) instead of a fancy road bike (With skinny little tires and handle bars that have you lean way down - they are easier to pedal faster. I walked around and checked), so I wasn't off very FAST, at least not compared to the road bikes, but I didn't mind as much as I thought I would.
People were very polite about letting you know they'd be passing, and as the miles wound on, and more and more and more people were coming up behind me, my thoughts weren't so much that they were passing me, they were more that I was doing AWESOME.
If people on super fancy road bikes, who couldn't have started the swim more than 20 minutes after I did (when the last wave started), took until miles 12, 14, even 16 to catch up and pass me, I was doing really well!!! That means I had to be ahead of all of those people on the swim for them to pass me later. They had the advantage of superior equipment and were only barely faster than me at the bike, obviously I was winning at my made-up newbies with lamer equipment division.

About half the people out on the course even seemed to comment that I was doing amazingly well "on that bike" or "those tires" and shouted "go pink!!" as they passed.

All that training out on the local rec trail paid off. I was even able to bike all the way up the horrible steep awful mile long hill at mile 11 that had about half of those fancy bikes being walked up it!!
Sure, I was in first gear, but I was pedaling, and the coast down the other side made it seem totally worth it!

According to my dad and boyfriend I managed to finish the bike leg before a good 40-50 people who were on those fancy bikes, which to me is pretty darn awesome!

I felt surprisingly energetic as I pulled into the transition area... and then I got off of my bike.
My legs were like twitchy gelatain!
I had about 5 seconds of panicking that I wasn't going to be able to complete the race, but as I walked my bike back to my little stall, and took off my helmet, and chugged down some water and sports drink, I started to feel just fine.

Everything was going to be okay, that bike ride was just hard!
I was pretty sure I had to be forgetting something, since the transition from bike to run was basically getting off my bike and ditching my helmet since I didn't use fancy bike shoes or anything like that, but I walked quickly out of the transition area smiling and excited.
The run portion went 2.5 miles up the road and then just turned around and came right back down it, so there were runners going the opposite direction the whole time. Everyone was totally positive and encouraging. We all shouted encouragement back and forth. "Almost done!" "The turn-around is just past those trees!" "Keep it up, doing awesome!" It was great! I felt encouraged and had fun encouraging others.

I reminded myself over and over of my goal for the run (to run at least half of it) and repeated my running mantra when I was flagging. If I'm not going to actually die, pass out, or injure myself, I can keep running.

There were water stations at each mile marker, which made it easier to gauge the distance, and I ran about half of each mile, just as I'd hoped!

I even got stung by a bee and kept going!
(I'm not allergic or anything, so this isn't technically an important part of the racing experience, but for whatever reason it stands out to me as proof of how bad ass I am at triathloning)

When I crossed that finish line I was running, and I was happy, and I knew that I really did it.


Finishing 614 out of 700 may not sound very impressive, but I did it, and I did it in the amount of time I set a goal to finish in, so as far as I'm concerned that 614 is just code for 1st place.

Go Pink!








PS.
If you want to share this or any of my blogs outside of sparkpeople, I'm honored! But, please do it from my blogger page. I put some fairly personal things here on my sparkpage, and it's a little weird to think of non-sparkers reading it, but this has just the funny stuff!


www.legumelegroom.blogspot.com

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LADYJAJA 7/31/2013 7:04PM

  I'm behind on everything since being away awhile, so just read your blog post and have to tell you, as a voice among many, how proud I am of you! I could just imagine you out there, giving it your all, staying positive, and being so brave. Great blog post and an inspiration! Congrats on all your accomplishments over the past year! emoticon

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NANHBH 6/21/2012 5:01PM

    Congratulations, Lulu!

I'm training for my first triathlon. I got sideline for awhile with a knee injury, but hoping to do one in August. Any tips for another "Noob?"
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DEBK0923 6/14/2012 2:47PM

    awesome blog, great job

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GEORGIAPAM 6/12/2012 9:17PM

    I just love your style! LOVE the running graph! you are so great! emoticon

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GODIVADSG 6/11/2012 5:22PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticonI especially love the bike part of your Tri! The last tri I did I was so inspired by this fellow on a similar bike... and he had 2 ironman reflectors on it!! Way to go! You did great!!

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AUSSIEFLOSS 6/10/2012 7:33PM

    Oh my. Ah, tears. Laughing. I loved the 'I make this padded crotch look hawt'. Can I borrow you or your humour whenever I feel like crap about myself? Great! Thanks! I'm going to follow you around like a fan follows a celebrity. No, I'm not like weird or scary or anything. Just a lost soul, who recently has been betrayed like in the worst way ever by the man who was supposed to love her,cherish her till death do us part. Whatever man. So I'm looking to boost my self esteem that was pretty much not only trampled on but thrown to the 'dawgs'. Well, I can say that he's not MY problem anymore. Someone else can take his crap now. Not going to be me.
Sorry. Well, you inspire me to care for myself, and be positive!!

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AROCHFORD 6/9/2012 12:14PM

    Congrats. I absolutely loved the legs are for wimps pic!

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GRACEFULJOURNEY 6/8/2012 6:00PM

    emoticon

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CATDUG19 6/8/2012 10:14AM

    I was teared up at your running picture of the happy pink girl. Good for you and continue your blog I love it

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IVYLEE31 6/7/2012 7:49PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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AHAPPYLIFE 6/7/2012 1:52PM

    SUPER blog! Thanks - loved it!!

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KIMCOLLINGS 6/7/2012 12:08PM

    Way to go!!! What a terrific accomplishment! Love your blogs!

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PLYNSN316 6/7/2012 11:38AM

    GO PINK!!!! So amazingly inspired by you! What an awesome accomplishment!

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MOSTMOM1 6/7/2012 8:24AM

    Go Pink!!!!! Fly your Noob flag, fly it high! WOOHOO!
Love your blogs.
emoticon

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SAFETYSUE 6/6/2012 10:59PM

    Go Pink! My favorite color, you rock my friend! You did it with courage and grace!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ELPHYY 6/6/2012 6:39PM

    YOU. ARE. AWESOME!
I love your blogs and you are an inspiration!
Congratulations on your HUGE achievement!

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FLY0NTHEWAL1 6/6/2012 4:16PM

    totally bad ass. : )

really enjoying the blog posts that I've read too!

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ANIMAL_L0VER 6/6/2012 2:37PM

    Lulu, this is amazing and hugely inspiring! Congratulations on a tremendous job well done and for always seeing the bright side of things! How awesome!

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SAHARASUE 6/6/2012 2:34PM

    emoticon emoticon That is SO awesome! Way to go. I'm totally impressed. You should be very proud. emoticon emoticon

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DABLUECAT 6/6/2012 1:10PM

    emoticon

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FEISTYOWL 6/4/2012 12:28PM

    What a great blog!! (well, obviously as it's a popular one too!).

I really enjoyed reading about your experience - it was like I was right there with you! I hope to do one of these someday, so it was great to read a Noob's story!!

Way to go!! You totally rocked it!

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CHRISTIE6625 6/1/2012 2:57PM

  You're amazing.

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HEALTHYME229 6/1/2012 9:02AM

    Sweet! I love how you were able to see how successful you were when it would be so easy to see otherwise. What an inspiring tale!!
Go pink!!

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CERULEANSIN516 5/31/2012 7:18PM

    I always enjoy reading your blogs, they make me laugh and inspire me!

Awesome job with completing this Triathlon!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ERLYWA 5/30/2012 9:55PM

    I loved this blog! And you did super great!! :)

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YIWEN39 5/30/2012 9:21PM

    Congratulations :-) Sounds like you had so much fun and your attitude is just fantastic! emoticon and emoticon one more time!

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XXEDRA 5/30/2012 5:21PM

    Congrats!

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KAREN_NY 5/30/2012 4:56PM

    THAT is how you smack it down -- WOW!!!!!!!!!!
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And bonus! One of your very best blogs. Love it -thanks for sharing!!

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BMCKEOW1 5/30/2012 2:27PM

    It is code for 1st place. That is awesome it sounds like you had such a good time. Whoo. You are a rock star

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COLEE82 5/30/2012 2:02PM

    Congratulations!

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3RDTIMECHARM11 5/30/2012 11:47AM

    emoticon emoticon

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CUDDLYPOLARBEAR 5/30/2012 10:50AM

    great Job....

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ABILUCHA 5/29/2012 6:20PM

    So inspiring! Yay!

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ERINTHEROCKSTAR 5/29/2012 4:14PM

    YAY!!! GO PINK!! Awesome blog - I hope to try a triathlon one day - thanks for the newbie perspective!!

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ROOKSMOM2 5/29/2012 4:04PM

    Fabulous!!

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PIXIEMOM13 5/29/2012 2:08PM

    That is so awesome! I'd love to try a "tri" one day..but I'd need to get a bike and learn how to swim. (LOL)



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MRS_EVA_K 5/29/2012 9:21AM

    You did awesome Lulu and 614 is pretty good for your first outing. Go Pink!

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MEA6785 5/29/2012 7:23AM

    AWEEESOOOOMMMMMMEEEEEEEEE! emoticon emoticon

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TMOORE073 5/28/2012 10:45PM

    Wow! I am so inspired by your story! I so want to do a Triathalon myself! I'm almost 50! Little scared about the swim. Not a very good swimmer. Been running for almost 29 years! I still have knees believe it or not. Ha ha Good for you for getting out there & trying something new! Wish me luck! emoticon

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MYADOG1 5/28/2012 10:38PM

    Go Pink!

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PHOTOFIT 5/28/2012 7:46PM

    kudos!

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SHAYWEE 5/28/2012 8:13AM

    Great Job!! :D

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SBNORMAL 5/28/2012 3:47AM

  Go Pink!!

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NYARAMULA 5/28/2012 2:46AM

    emoticon

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LAURIETAIT 5/27/2012 11:37PM

    Great job! Go Pink!

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COUPONS0216 5/27/2012 11:09PM

    Your story was AWESOME, as always! Way to go "Pink."
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MBGUYER 5/27/2012 8:54PM

  way to go! Go PINK!

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HEALTH4LYFE 5/27/2012 4:58PM

    emoticon Really enjoyed reading about your TRI!! Way to go, and since it was your first, it was a PR for you! What's next? emoticon emoticon emoticon

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XMAS2012 5/27/2012 4:28PM

    emoticon
That is SOOOOOO AWESOME!!!!
emoticon

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IBECCA 5/27/2012 4:24PM

    right on

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