Saturday, September 28, 2013
I have decided to start using this blog to use as a diary at least for a little while.I have been slipping into my old habits(badly) and need to do something to stop it before Im as heavy or heavier than when I started to lose weight more than five yrs ago. Im doing the blog for me because I have no one to talk to and if anyone decides to read it,great,maybe I will make a friend along the way.
I will start with explaining a few things in case someone is reading that wouldn't need explaining if I didn't talk about it a lot so I will. the biggest issues I have are two( I think) that have changed my life so much. #1. for the last five yrs or so,since I lost around 20 lbs I am unable to walk right.i cant control my legs,cant feel my feet,walk basically like a newborn horse..i have been for a lot of tests which all come back normal.have been tested for ms,had about 4 full body MRI'S,doppler studies,checked blood vessels and veins in legs,etc. anxiety intensifies the issues,therefore I don't do much anymore.i am afraid of people watching me ( I have fallen in front of "friends" at work who always found it hysterical) and have further injured myself each time . finally went to a chiropractor after getting no help through doctors,he believes it is my neck and lower back,i have been going to him about a yr and a hf. my head placement was pretty awful and so far that seems to be the only change.i feel the same.wrecked my car in march,so started back at step 1 with chiro,basically.still feel the same.i have massive panic attacks trying to work out.i have a recumbent bike,a total gym,a treadmill.my mind thinks I can handle about 20 mins,then I fall apart and find it almost impossible to stand up,let alone walk or pedal a bike...(sounds ridiculous? yes, I think so too)
#2. I have no one.
thought I had a best friend,for about 4 yrs.i was there for her in every way,while she battled cancer and had no one besides me there for her.now she doesn't talk to me at all since leaving my job(I worked with her and about 7 girls I thought were friends) now I hear from no one at all.i tried over and over to keep the friendship going,it is over. the only other people in my life are my kids (busy w their own lives )Katie is 21, Emily is 19,both out of the house and kyle is 17.The girls talk to me a little about it all,but im sure it gets old to hear it all...im quite tired of thinking about it....
other than that,there is my mom who honestly doesn't listen,and my aunt who seems to ...but bashes everyone and I worry that she does me too so I try to just not say much.that leaves my husband,,who listens and cares but doesn't say almost anything at all and def doesn't understand so I just stop talking.
that being said...lately I am struggling so much with depression that I have been doing as little as possible.i am alone almost all the time,my son works and has school.most of the time its me and my husband..he likes to sit in front of the tv or the computer...which I do also and im so sick of it..but too lazy lately to do anything else.i am ashamed of myself,i am angry almost all the time..i feel like im drowning and im too lazy to change it.
I don't know if blogging will help,i will prob do it a lot at first to try to get interested in myself again..but if you notice by even just looking at old blogs....I don't stick to much....im going to try,i think it might help to at least get it out of my head a little...
I have to add that after my accident I had a (second)nerve conduction study done which showed 2 pinched nerves in my neck and 2 pinched nerves in my lower back.chiro says continual care will solve this problem..fingers crossed..
and that I have been eating SO much junk in the last prob 3 weeks,started drinking soda again and have packed on 17 lbs....