Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I wish I were more consistent with my weight throughout the year so I don't find myself higher than I'd like to be in January. I know part of me wants to be doing this for me and yet another part of me feels like I'm doing this because my husband wants me to and that honestly makes me want to stop to spite him. It just wouldn't make sense to cut off my nose to spite my face, though. I feel like I'm being molded into a Stepford wife. I am doing my best but I'm not 100% sure who I'm doing it for. I'm not in the mood to be working out and tracking my meals and yet I'm doing it. I used to be excited and happy to do this and now it just feels like I'm going through the motions.
I was thinking earlier today about what to get my husband for Valentine's Day and it occurred to me I should buy him what it seems like he really wants - a Barbie doll.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Dumb, dumb, dumb. I did, indeed, let my husband's digs get the best of me and fell off the wagon. That plus the holiday season didn't do me any favors. It could have been worse, but thankfully, I threw out all of the "big" clothes from my closet months ago, so when my wardrobe started feeling tight in the waist, I knew I needed to do something. My scale today says I weigh 130.3, which is not cool. That makes me about 4 pounds up from early October, so I need to nip this in the bud and turn that ship around! I'm still aiming for about 118 (oh Lord, please, anything under 120!) so I can't be allowing myself to get derailed.
My husband told me last week that he thinks I should weigh between 110 and 115. It was almost the identical fight to the one we had in October with him noticing me putting cream on my wrinkles and making a big statement about how I should be in better shape because people notice how fat I am before they get to see my wrinkles. I fought back and refused to give in to his antics. When all was said and done, I told him that I would like us to go see a priest or counselor to talk about this. He said he doesn't want to do that because he doesn't want "a referee." I asked him to come to my doctor with me to talk about my health but he doesn't want to do that, either.
I told him I love him but I think this idea he has in his head about thinking he knows what is best for me and trying to make me conform to HIS standard is ridiculous. He said that he is beginning to accept that I will never see how fat I am the way he sees it and he's "trying to accept that." In his words, "I'm not saying you're not cute but it's like the difference between good and better. Do you know how hot you would be if you lost 15 or 20 pounds?" It makes me wonder why he married my un-hot self 5 years ago. Charity?
Anyway, I'm trying much harder this time to pack his stupidity away in a neat little box and leave it for him to deal with and just focus on how I feel and the effort I want to put in. I want to be healthy. I want to not lose my breath easily climbing stairs. I want to be fantastic at dancing, housework, yardwork, or whatever without feeling horribly unfit to be doing those things. I want my blood pressure and all of my health metrics at the doctor's office to continue to be good. I don't want to be self-conscious in a swimsuit at the beach (I'm not!) and I want to feel like I look good in my wardrobe. As long as I'm under a size 10, I'm happy. As long as my waist is below 30", I'm happy. So what if I walk when others think I should run? I do run when I feel like it (lately, about twice a week) but I'm not training for a marathon. Maybe my goals are modest, but they are MY goals and I can't be fit and feel good for anyone else but me. I wish I could make his goals mine but they're not and I'm tired of him trying to change me when I wasn't unacceptable to him 5 years ago. I'm tired of being my husband's project.
Today is my birthday, and I'm promising myself that I will keep going with my plan because I care about the shape I'm in. It doesn't have to be good enough for anyone else. And if he can't let this go or at least help me seek a solution with a counselor, then maybe he's going to lose me over this. All I ever wanted was to find someone who loves me the way I am and supports me in MY efforts to be a better person. I thought I had found that person but deep down, I'm afraid maybe I made a mistake and that really scares me. I was willing to sacrifice having kids for him, but I'm not willing to sacrifice myself. I don't know if it makes sense to be really radical and lose the weight he wants me to, move on, or stay and deal with him giving me a hard time (since staying and him stopping being a jackass isn't among the options, apparently). I'm very scared and very sad.
I don't need comments because I know that no one can really say much not really being here and seeing the details and plus, it's my marriage and my problem. I just feel awful and putting this down allows me to mull it over and digest it. I probably just need a thicker skin and more chutzpah to shrug off his comments and keep on keepin' on. I'm kind of angry with myself for not having found a good solution to this, but proud of myself for standing my ground and suggesting we see a counselor. I just wish he were in my shoes and understood how much it hurts when the person you love more than anyone else in the world tells you you're not good enough.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
I admit that my goal is to lose about 8 more pounds. Any more than that may or may not be going too far but I'd be willing to go further from that point if I don't look too thin or if it's difficult to maintain. I don't want to live a life of deprivation to fit in a size 0, after all. So this is why last night's comments by my DH were particularly hurtful.
We had gone out ot dinner where I split a salad with DH (with dressing on the side) and ate 4 ribs from a small appetizer plate of them. I also snacked on a few fries from DH's plate and finished dinner with a double sized shot glass of panna cotta topped with a few raspberries and almonds. I could have done better but I sure could have done worse. OH yes, and I had a glass of wine.
When we got home, I was changing into my jammies and getting ready to wash my face and brush my teeth when I caught my reflection in the mirror. There on my forehead are three faint lines, the precursors to wrinkles. Over the last year, I have tried everything OTC to reduce/remove them but to no avail. I said aloud, more to myself than to DH, "I wonder if maybe I should go in to a doc to see how much it would cost me to get an injection to get rid of these suckers," as my fingers pushed the top of my forehead up to see what it would look like with them gone. DH's response? *big huff* "If I were you, those little wrinkles are the last thing I would be worried about fixing."
I was shocked he said anything at all, but not that he opened his trap, I walked right into it. "What" I asked "do you think I should be worried about?" His response: "You really need to get in shape!" Which is his way of calling me fat. He's too "PC" to actually say the word.
My mouth dropped open for a second. I had not been telling him how well I had been doing with working out and that I AM, in fact, the same weight I was on the day we got married. I fit in EVERYTHING in my closet - "skinny" clothes included. So inside, I knew I have nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I wore a bikini to do my swimming earlier and a lady I went swimming with said I look great and she can't believe I'm thinking of losing another pound. I wore a new, smaller size skirt out to dinner and was feeling pretty good about my appearance and had thought that maybe DH thought I was looking good, too. Apparently not.
My response was short, "Do you realize I weigh exactly the same today as the day we got married?" His response was even shorter. A big huff of air and a roll of his eyes as though I were lying to him.
I am not out of shape.
I am not fat.
I do have a few more pounds I would like to lose but I am very happy with how I look right now. That does not mean I am fat or unfit. It means I am fine tuning a little. I don't look like a supermodel and I'm OK with that.
I made a huge push when I returned from vacation in September and lost my vacation gain, and then some, within the period of about a month. I dropped a whole dress size and now I'm back in my happy place. So I have expected comments to the effect of me looking good or something. Not this.
I am hurt. Again. I am angry. Again. And I keep wondering why I let him do this to me. The last time he did, I was so angry, I went the OPPOSITE way. I thought, "If he thinks I'm fat, I may as well be!" and I gained some weight. I gave up working out and doing the right things because if he thought I was still unsightly when I thought I was pretty smokin', what was the point? I'm not going to let that happen this time because I realized that going the wrong direction makes ME unhappy. But what do you do when your husband, or wife for that matter, is so negative? It feels like emotional abuse. I don't know what else to say. And I don't know how to put my foot down and tell him that HE needs to see a psychiatrist to get to the root of HIS problem with seeing a perfectly healthy woman and tearing her down again and again and making her feel bad about herself for not being as skinny as he'd like. I'm wearing sizes 6 and 8. What's wrong with that? Is that really fat???
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Dinner last night was easier than I thought it would be. We wound up going to a different restaurant than the one we initially planned to visit. I had mahi mahi which was grilled and served with a garlic butter. On the side, I had steamed white rice (they had no brown) and steamed vegetables with no oil. The serving size of fish was reasonable but they had a LOT of rice on the plate. I ate about 1/3 of each the fish and the rice and 1/2 of the vegetables. I had no wine. I just drank one mixed drink and skipped dessert. No appetizer, either. I think that was fairly miraculous for me. Grade: B because I could have asked them to skip the garlic butter with the fish and I could have stuck to water or a non-caloric drink rather than the alcohol.
This morning, my DH had an alumni event to attend. We went to watch a college football game at a place where you chipped in your $ and ate from a buffet. DH and I split a plate of 3 eggs over easy with whole wheat toast. Then we had two huge servings of fruit and I finished with a small piece of a chocolate coffee cake while he had a danish. I had a few cups of coffee and a glass of juice that had been mixed wayyyyy too watery. Mimosas were also being served and DH and I split one. I felt like I did worse this morning than I did last night but still a lot better than old, out of control Sheryl might have done. Grade: C+ because I certainly could have skipped the mimosa and the chocolate coffee cake. I had room for improvement.
There. Now that I've aired the good, the bad, and the ugly, I feel better. In the grand scheme, I like to think that I enjoyed a couple of things that are not normally available to me (mimosa, cake) and kept my splurges pretty small. I know I could do better but it really could have been oh so much worse. People around us were ordering 3 egg omelets with cheese, hash browns, cheeseburgers, and loco moco (eggs, meat loaf, rice, and gravy). Dealing with the temptation of the smells of what others were having was hard, but I'm glad to have not given in. I really did like that bit of chocolate cake, though. Hey...I'm no saint!!!
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Tonight we're going to dinner at a fancy-shmancy restaurant where the hipsters go. The vino is supposedly excellent but the food not so much (so sayeth online reviews). Soooo...I've saved a good amount of calories and worked out extra long today to have a nice dinner and wine. I reviewed the restaurant's website menu and decided to do the following:
a) Sparkling sake for an apertif (it's a kind that's hard to find that I LOVE and haven't had in a long time)
b) Split the house salad with DH and get the dressing served on the side.
c) Let DH pick a second item to split and then take a small portion depending on how healthy an item he picks!
d) One 6 oz. glass of wine with the main course.
e) One 2 ounce pour of dessert wine instead of having a regular dessert.
I'm not driving so sake, wine, and a small dessert pour will be my big calorie expenditure and then I'm going to split, split, split a salad and something else with DH. Maybe we'll still even bag some to take home. No appetizers, TYVM! Dessert? No, not me. I would just love a little moscato, please. Or perhaps a little port. Or late harvest zinfandel. Mmmmm...heaven.
Our dinner companions are my hubby's co-worker and his spouse. We're going to dress it down, so the cute skirt I planned to wear won't be happening. Instead, I'm going to wear a denim skirt with a cute sleeveless summer top. Wavy vertical stripes and a couple of wooden beads over a keyhole accent in front. Tres cute! Oh, and flip flops. 'Cause this is Hawaii, brah. ;-)
I'll report tomorrow on how well I did. I look forward to dining out success!
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